Transcripts For KCNC The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2016

KCNC The Late Show With Stephen Colbert November 5, 2016

Just a moment of peace. I know, ill relax by finishing my ship in a bottle. Lets see, just straighten the mast here and then pull the rigging over the spar. You son of a bitch colbert you stabbed me as sure as the sea is wet, i will have my revenge you will rue the day you tried to murder captain bainbridge i have need to take my mind off this severe puncture wound. I know, ill work on my desk its the late show with stephen colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Viggo Mortenson. Patton oswalt. And comedian maz jobrani. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york cheers and applause stephen hey, whats up . Thanks for being here. Hey, jon. Stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Hey, please have a seat, everybody. Than oh, hows everybodys friday going so far, everybody. cheers and applause i suspected as much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. Dont forget, Daylight Saving time guys, dont forget this, dont forget this, dont forget this. Daylight saving time is this weekend. That means when its 2 00 a. M. On sunday morning, turn your clock back to 1 00 a. M. But dont forget to set your alarm to wake up at 2 00, so you can set it back to 1 00 again. And if we all remember to do that, it will never be tuesday. Somebody tell barack and michelle theyre not leaving. And with just four days four days left in the race, theres some strange stuff going on. For instance, this is true, we just learned that Trump Supporters are trying to trick people into thinking they can votey now, i just want to be clear to everybody watching you cannot do that for the president ial election but it does explain why Hillary Clinton just won americas got talent. Her talent by the way . Her talent . Jon yes, big time. Stephen hillarys talent by the way blowing huge leads. Now, no one is saying the Trump Campaign is out to stop people from voting, except for the because last week, an unnamed adviser said that the campaign was having three major Voter Suppression operations under way, targeting liberals, young women, and african americans. Wow, they really dont want alicia keys to vote. laughter of course, people are angry about the election, but they are angry about everything these days. For instance you North Carolina its. Time for the annual for everybody to get mad about starbucks holiday cup. Now, starbucks hasnt unveiled their official holiday cup yet, but the new preholiday cup is out. Here it is. You can get a shot of that jimmy . Its green and has a picture of people drawn with one continuous line, okay, because what says starbucks more than a line that goes on forever cheers and applause just know your order when you its meant to symbolize unity but people on twitter have written furious responses to this cup, like this one, starbucks. Green cups . War on christmas. Last days. laughter and perhaps the hottest take of them all yes we want snowflakes. We want symbolize this team of peace and love where i will gouge out your eyes with a cinnamon chip scone people are more divided than ever by this unity cup, so i figured we should check in with someone whos an expert on christmas and, like starbucks, is literally everywhere god. Lets do that now. Are you there, lord . Its me, stephen. How you doing there . Im here. Stephen its the lord, everybody, say hi hey, everybody, hey, everybody. Stephen how you doing, lord . Well, im a little tired from watching the world series the other night. Did you like how i made it rain. cheers and applause yes, good game, good game. Stephen what did you say . Did you like how i made it rain before extra innings . What can i say, im a drama queen. Stephen god, how do you feel about the new starbucks cups . Are you boycotting . Oh, good m i need my starbucks. Fidont have my morningula taw, i get all old testament. Sodom and gomorrah happened because someone served me decaf. Stephen but what about the war on christmas . Oh, please. People need to lighten up. Without some stupid cup, people will just forget my sons birthday . Oh, that reminds me. Im taking him to dinner. Got to make reservations. Its the 25th, right . Stephen yes. I should know that. Well, before you go, im just curious. Since god has many names, what does the barista write on your cup . Well, as a celebrity, i have a lot of aliases god, yahweh, jehovah but mostly i use my real name, gary. laughter . Stephen your name is gary . Yeah, gary trendleton. Nice to meet you . Stephen nice to meet you, too. Ladies and gentlemen, gary. cheers and applause bye, everybody. Stephen thank you, gary weve got a great show for you Viggo Mortenson is here, so stick around well be right back. . . . applause fact. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. Whats it gonna be . An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Man long live queen elizabeth. You dont think i wouldve preferred to grow up out of the spotlight, away from the scrutiny and the visibility . flash bulbs popping man are you my wife i have seen three great monarchies brought down through their personal indulgences. The crown must win. flash bulb popping whooshing . . . This is the time . . The time for harmony . . Let love be the song . . That everybody sings . S. C. Johnson. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, whether youre wearing layers. Beads, stripes. Or cheese. If you bleed blue. Black and yellow, purple or various shades of red. Hillary clinton im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. Vo in times of crisis america depends on steady leadership. Donald trump knock the crap out of them, would you . Seriously. Vo clear thinking. Donald trump i know more about isis than the generals do, believe me. Go fu k themselves. Vo because all it takes is one wrong move. Donald trump audio only i would bomb the sh t out of them. Vo just one. Woman after all donald trump has said and done. She ate like a pig. You can do anything. I moved on her like a b h woman trumps just so disgusting and degrading. Hes bragged about assaulting women, and congressman mike coffman said he didnt know if Donald Trumps a sexual predator. Come on. Look, we just cant vote for coffman or trump. Women vote is responsible for the content of this advertising. . . . cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band. Ladies and gentlemen, listen. If you watch this show, and you watch on a regular basis, you know we like to have a lot of fun on the show tell jokes, hahaha. But also, we have deep concerns about the future, and occasionally i like to use my massive celebrity to raise service announcement. And i recently learned about the plight of one species that deeply troubled me. And so, right now, im going to record a p. S. A. , and joining me is another famous person who truly cares. Hello. We are stewards of the earth. And every living thing is precious. Im stephen colbert. And im viggo mortensen. cheers and applause and were asking you to please help us both save the bees. Stephen no other single animal species plays a more integral role in our food chain. And over the last decade, the global Bee Population has plummeted over 30 . Stephen which means less stinging here but more stinging laughter so, wont you please do your prart r part and save the bees . Stephen thanks so much. Thanks so much. Thanks, man. Thanks for stepping up and doing the right thing. That really felt great. It feels really good to give back. Stephen it sure does. I know we have to do the interview in a second, but i was thinking as long as i got you maybe we should just Record Record next years p. S. A. S, too . Sure, why dont we just record the next decade or something. Stephen that would be great. Why dont we record all the p. S. A. S we were going to record for the next five years but do them now. Youre on. Stephen jimmy. Last year, we asked you to save the bees, and it worked. Stephen thanks to your help, scientists solved the mystery of colony collapse disorder, and Bee Populations are on the rebound. More yummy honey in my tummy. laughter . Stephen thats right. But sometimes saving bees isnt enough. The bees deserve a better tomorrow. And thats why were asking you to help both educate the bees. The bees are thriving, and they want to learn. Stephen theyre so much smarter than we thought and are quite interested in subjects like military history and engineering. laughter so, wont you please do your part and cheers and applause we asked you to save the bees. Stephen we asked you to teach the bees. And you did more than we could ever imagine. Stephen now there are too many bees. laughter and they are alarmingly smart. Stephen they know too much about us. So, please, dont bumble this opportunity to stop laughter as you know, humanity is at war against the bees. Stephen the time for talking is over. Weve lost every battle and were running out of food. But we still have hope. Stephen the bees must have some kind of weakness, even if they seem like tiny indestructible gods. Which is why we need you to both join the fight against the bees. Stephen head to a recruiting station before nightfall. They own the night. Stephen but if you act now, you can be the buzzerbeater. Together, we can all both defeat the bees. He were he were stephen hi, im stephen colbert. And im viggo mortensen. Stephen did you know every day more and more dolphins suffer at the hands of our fishermen . In order to protect these noble creatures, we must act laughter stephen wont you please help us to both save the dolphins . Dolphins are beautiful, intelligent creatures. Stephen and they would make a powerful ally in our war against the bees. They can jump out of the water and swat the bees with their tails. Stephen and maybe they could use their soans to confuse the bees . Sonar. Stephen they have the bees have begun building submarines. Stephen why did we teach them engineering . Calm the hell down, Stephen Stephen im sorry, im scared. I am, too. So, act now to both save the dolphins in order to recruit them in our war to destroy the bees. cheers and applause stephen the war with the bees is finally over. But humanity still has big reseed the earth. But first, we must build monuments to our merciful bee overlords. Please join the hive and both serve the bees. They let us live, and deserve our obedience. Stephen unlike those treacherous dolphins. They were the ones who tried to lure us into an unjust war against the bees this guy get over here it was them it was them, my queen. We would never disobey you. Down slave down stephen get down there im drone 27534. And im viggo mortensen, asking you to both please continue to . . 23rd times the charm. Shhh. clink boom. Yes 23rd time is the charm, cliff. Yea, you showed me. Yes, you did. shelly thinking this must be how Odell Beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. Touchdown Odell Beckham jr. crowd noise odell thinking this must be how shelly felt when she won that purple bear. . . Pepsi. Before danny got what he was dreaming about for the holidays. Before his mom earned 1 cash back everywhere, every time. [ dinosaur growls ] yeah even before they earned 3 back on gas. Dannys parents used their bankamericard cash rewards credit card to give him the best day ever. Thats the joy of rewarding connections. Learn more at bankofamerica. Com getcashback. When cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula with a unique warming sensation you instantly feel. , applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Good to have you. One of my favorite actors is my first guest tonight and has appeared in some of my Favorite Movies of all time. His latest is captain fantastic. Please welcome viggo mortensen. . . . applause nice to see you. How you doing . Very good. Thanks for having me. Stephen you know, as i said in the introduction, youre one of my favorite actors. You know, not just from some of my Favorite Movie of all time, but from your performances in a lot of movies. I would say that your your fight scene of all time, okay. applause id like to say it was fun. Stephen one of the greatest movies ever made. Do people still kind of yell, hey, look, its aragon. Is that how they mostly know you . Do they think of you as that . I sometimes yell that, im aragone. I have gotten a lot of mileage out of that. Stephen we have your sword. Could we have a shot of that, jim . We have your sword. Just to make me happy. Good luck. Stephen thanks very much. Thanks very much. I dont actually think of you as aragone anymore. Thats good luck. Stephen im getting a vibe off of that. I dont think of you just as aragorn, i think of you as thoh, rogorn. I think of you one as one of the alexwon. Also, secretly the strider of the rangers. Stephen, yeah. Impressive. Youre up on your token. Stephen oh, yeah. I can live with you . laughter . Sure. Stephen maybe. We could practice sorld fighting. Stephen what is it like to be what would it be like to live with viggo mortensen. In this new movie, captain fantastic, you play an unfengzal dad to lives off the grid with his kid. Six kid. Stephen unconventional person and you have lived off the grid, right . I dont know. I keep to myself a lot. But i dont know that i live off the grid, exactly. What do you mean by that . Stephen you seem like you eshoe convention. You go your own way. You go is what im saying. You go your own way. Sure. Stephen do you have an iphone . Ive got a yeah, ive got an well, its my phone. Stephen you have a flip phone . Its ringing. This is a phone. Stephen is this someone really calling you . Hello . Vinny . Vinny, no. Im im in the middle of something. laughter im with my friend stephen. No, you all right, all right. You vinny wants to say hi. Stephen vinny . laughter hey. Tell him ill call theres actually a guy on the phone. I thought you were bleep me. Theres actually a guy on phone. Hello . Yes . Hello. Vinny, not now. Stephen no, you cant come over. We dont have any clothes on right now. Were off the dprid right now. Sword practice. Stephen sword practice, he says. Exactly. Well, listen okay, thanks vinny. Thats good. Were going to need a release for him to put this on air, i think. Thats fine. Stephen this is a stone tool. laughter this is a motorola flip phone from, like, 1997. Yeah, you dont have to you can walk around with it. Stephen its magic, my friend. You have to plug it in. You have to plug it in eventually. Do you . Stephen yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can walk around on the street. You dont have to use it just in your house. laughter . Stephen thats true. Its one of those new cordless phones that they have. I recommend it. I recommend it. Stephen when you were play the dad in and ill turn it off because i should have done that. Im sorry. Well, vinny, sorry. Yeah. Stephen yeah, you really should have. Yeah. Stephen that was very rude of you. Unprofessional. Stephen yeah, it is. Even. Im sorry. Stephen but youre a consummate professional. You throw yourself into your roles with complete abandon. I do. Stephen like in this one, you play the father of all these six kids out in the wilderness. Yeah. Stephen again, totally off grid, living in what are you what are you living in. A tee tee. Stephen do you think this would be a good way to teach children, a good way to raise them . Honestly it, doesnt matter. You dont have to win out in the woods woodz. But i think the idea, honestly, to be truthful, at all timeses not matter how young the kid is, no matter what the subject, whether its death, sex, anything, just tell them the the truth, no matter what age they are. I think thats good. And have open discourse and, you know, encourage them to think defend their ideas. I think thats all good. Stephen well we have a little clip here of applause we have a clip of its you on the family bus talking to the kids about what youre going to have to do as a family or how you might have to conform, because mom is actually back in the city because she has some problems. Stephen some problems that have to be dealt with in the back into society and this is you telling them how life is. Yeah. Stephen another jim . Powerful, controlled the lives of the powerless. And thats the way the world works. Its unjust, and its unfair. But thats just too damn bad. We have to shut up and accept it. bleep that. applause that was you know, i mean, its also a road trip. The kids insist on going to see the mom, even though ive been told by my inlaws, who are quite a bit different. Theyre very conservative, sort savages. And weve been ive been forbidden to come anywhere near their daughter. And the kids insist on going on this road trip, and thats when everything starts to go haywire. Stephen how much of that is what youre like . Could you give that speech and end it with bleep that . Is that how you live your life . Because you know youre not like to my son, could i say that . Stephen do anybody. Not just raising a child, but is that how you feel, like you have to do message of nonconformity . Because i know youre not choosing between trump and clinton in this election. No, im not. Im voting for jill stein for the same reason i supported bernie sanders, you know, because shes talking in a meaningful way about many things that arent discussed in the debates. Stephen like what . Theyre not really going into Climate Change in a big way. Theyre summer not talking about overspending in the military. Foreign policy. I mean trump and clinton are trying to outdo each other saying, im going to kick ass here. Im going to kick ass there. She has proven to us she likes to do that and not always the best idea when she does that at times, and shes bellicose. Trump, who know what he will do. As far as foreign policy, i would say they trust her about as far as i could throw trump. Stephen so to you, theres no diffee essentially . Its like curse on both their houses. I do honestly think its one of the one of the poorest maybe the poorest choice weve had in an election in my lifetime. And its unfortunate. And ive had a lot of people and i understand their point of view, you know, friends and strangers, publicly and private, go after mea say, how could you d

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