laughter . Stephen its locked. Oh. Oooohh. laughter my advice lose the eggs and say youre a zombie. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes joel mchale. Abbi jacobson. And jon glaser. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause jon i liked that. Stephen whoa nice jacket i like that. Very nice. Hey, everybody whats going on . Hey, chris whats up . Whats going on, mark . Welcome to the late show, everybody. So nice to see you. Lovely t im Stephen Colbert, your host for the evening. And ladies and gentlemen, check your calendars. We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking. laughter . cheers applause and trumps surrogates are doing titanic did remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is. Just this morning, just this morning, trump got some muchneeded support from new york mayor and daytime dracula Rudy Guiliani. Heres what rude heto say when asked if Trumps Campaign is racist. Racist . The last thing in the world donald trump is, is a racist. Ive known him for 2ye the man likes white people. He likes black people. He likes hispanic people. He plays golf with them. Stephen yes he plays golf with them . Come on he doesnt care if youre black or white as long as you can afford the greens fees. And theres yet another reason jooul thinks its unfair to call trump a racist. Unfortunately, its not a good reason. To say that donald trump is a racist is outrageous. Stephen exactly, to call anyone racist racists dont exist. Theyre like unicorns, or giulianis sense of shame. You cant find it anywhere cheers and applause and Rudy Guiliani wasnt the only one desperately tried to defend trump, because last nig night, former speaker and talking bag of laundry, newt gingrich, was asked by megyn kelly about trumps grabin. If trump is a sexual predator, that is hes not a sexual predator. You cant say that. Okay, thats your opinion. Im not taking a position on it. Im not taking a position on that. Its not true. Now, im sick and tired of people like you using language thats inflammatory. Thats not true. You want to go back through the tapes of your show recently, you policy. Stephen first off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If youre not, if youre not, theres a pill for that now. But the thing is, megyn kelly file isnt talking about fun time, bedroom whoopi making. Shes talking about assault. Wait, unless newt doesnt know the difference. Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, lets do this. Newt, sweetheart, youre growing up so fast. In fact, youre 73. Your bodys changing. laughter youve probably noticed some strange new hair growing on your earlobes. Its perfectly natural. Youre old enough to finally learn about the birds and the bees and the consent. You see, when a man has special feelings for a woman, and he wants to give her a special hug, he asks her a special youre a tv star is not sex. Its assault. And fun fact, assault is a matter of public policy, because its illegal, even if you use tic tacs. cheers and applause i hope that clears things up, buddy. I would explain to you what sex is, but then id have to picture you doing it. Of course, megyn kelly file isnt the only one upset about trumps locker room talk. The potential groperinchief. He said, because im famous, because im a star, because im a billionaire, i can do things other people cant. The press always asks me, dont i wish i were debating him . No, i wish we were in high school. I could take him behind the gym. Thats what i wish. cheers and applause stephen wow. Wow. Jon he got some fire. He got some fire on him. Stephen that is theang riest ive seen joe biden since they hiked up the price of crest whitestrips. And behind the gym . Behind the gym . I kind of remember getting my ass kicked plenty inside the gym. I didnt even realize i had another option. Then, yesterday, trump counterpunched. Did you see where biden wants to take me to the back of the barn . Me. He wants it. Id love that. Id love that. Mr. Tough guy. You know, hes mr. Tough guy. Stephen thats right, tough guy. Yeah, tough guy. Donald trumps not afraid of anything. Except divorce lawyers, the i. R. S. , and normalsized gloves. laughter applause hey, tough guy. Hey, tough guy. Hey, tough guy. Hey, hey, hey by the way, jim, can we put up that photo again of trump . There you go. Of course, for security reasons, the secret service insists he travel with his body double, that pumpkin. laughter applause hey, tough guy. Tough guy now, lets be realistic here. As exciting as this is, lets be realistic. Were talking about the the 70yearold g. O. P. Nominee facing off in oneonone combat. Its a fun idea to think about, but it aint gonna happen. Or is it . Mr. Trump, i know youre watching, because i just said your name. And, joe, i know youre watching because amtrak has wifi now. The time for talk is over. Its time for both of you to step into the ring and throw down on my show. Two men enter. Two men enter. Two paramedics also enter, because these guys are very old. The best part all proceeds from the fight will be donated to a charity of your choice. For biden, the red cross. For trump, boob jobs for uggos. laughter now, gentlemen, youre under no obligation to agree to this fight, but please do, because i already made this promotional video. Jim . Joe biden the gym. Donald trump id love that. Mr. Tough guy. Coming soon to cbs. Its the rumble in the trumple. The thrilla in orange with a swirl of vanilla. Las vegas, one night only in the magnificent new trump barn slk gymborena. Democratic nominee. Bidentrump, only cbs. Your destination for watching old people do things. laughter applause stephen thank you. Your move, guys. Oh, and, mr. Vicepresident , be careful out there. We all know that trump has a history of grabbing below the belt. Weve got a great show for you joel mchale is here. But on the other side of the commercial break, weve got a werd you dont want to miss so stick around, everybody. She saw the boots and fell for fall all over again. Was she expecting to find the perfect designer boots at such an amazing price . No. But you know youre gonna love it. Whats it gonna be . An ovenbaked digiorno . Or waiting for delivery . Did you have that beard when we ordered . A hot, freshbaked crust . Or . Did we order extra soggy . Dont settle for delivery. Rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. I was out here smoking instead of being there for my sons winning shot. 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Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Its heartbreaking, but true. As a millionaire c. E. O. , rod blum laid off over 70 employees, but he took millions in stock and bonuses. In washington, blum supported special tax breaks for corporations shipping jobs overseas and millionaires like himself. Ill tell you what i think is missing in Washington Common sense. Its about investing in jobs and our economy. Its about investing right here at home. . . . cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up jon, you guys sound great tonight. Thank you for keeping it hot over there, because, evidently, there is no internal heating in this building. Jon thats right. Heres a fun fact you may not know. Americas got a 19 trillion debt thats growing by 3. 8 billion every day. Thats money our grandchildren are going to have to pay back by selling their beach homes in antarctica. laughter finally, finally, someones taking action to reduce the debt, and that brings us to tonights werd, now, one of the big reasons were so broke is that the wars in iraq and afghanistan cost an estimated 4. 8 trillion. Thats a lot of money. laughter and the pentagon knows how theyre going to get some of that money back, because thousands of california soldiers are being forced to repay their enlistment bonuses after going to war. audience boos and it gets better. You see, back when the government needed more soldiers to fight in iraq and afghanistan, the California National guard held huge seminars where they offered bonuses of 15,000 or more to reenlist and go to war. But heres the thing the guard was so desperate for troops, that they offered the money before they checked whether individual soldiers were eligible for it. And now, turns out heres the investigation found that thousands of bonuses were given to california guard soldiers who did not qualify for them, or were approved despite paperwork errors. Now, for the record, these people did go to war, but you know what they say paperwork is hell. In total, the pentagon wants back about 100 million in bonuses. Now, that, that may sound like a lot of money, but in the early days of the iraq war, the pentagon had unlimited budgets to go along with their unlimited reasons why we were there. One of the fun ways they bankrupted us was the nearly 12 billion in shrinkwrapped 100s they loaded onto c17s and flew to baghdad. Hard to believe. Luckily, theres a picture of it. The 12 billion disappeared days after arriving. Thats not true. They only lost 9 billion. I dont know how. Now, not only not only is the pentagon asking the troops for their reenlistment bonuses back. Theyve also tacked on a 1 processing fee. Congratulations, military. Youve somehow made me feel good about my credit card company. Now, heres what i dont get the troops signed a contract, and they kept their end of the bargain they went to war, a war that both president ial candidates now say was a mistake, even though both supported it at the time. And when the troops got home, we exposed the troops to predatory lending, allowed them to be rippedded off by fake online hospitals. And now, the turd on the sun district attorney, were bankrupting them to pay back the bonuses that we promised. Once again, the troops get screwed. Good, beca taxpayers about iraq was the part where we paid our soldiers what we promised, no w. M. D. S . Thats an honest mistake. A private doesnt fill out his paperwork, we will chase you to the gates of hell cheers and applause to be fair, to be fair, secretary carter cant actually fix this. Only congress can change the law. And leaders there say they are least two years about pentagon efforts to take back bonuses from veterans. So, come on, congress. Two years . It should be easy to forget the troops debt because weve apparently forgotten the debt we owe them. And thats the werd. Well be right back with joel mchale. . Is it a real drag . You know. I know. New computers are superfast. And yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. You know about it, now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Powered by intel. . What is he doing . I have no clue. . Where do you think youre going . . . Where do you think youre goinggoing, girl . . . Girl, where do you think youre going . . Youre acting so funny, whats wrong, billy . My doctor says i have skittles pox. Are they contagious . I dont think so. Contract the rainbow taste the rainbow i am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. On a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. cannon sound mobility is very important to me. Thats why i use e trade mobile. Its on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle and it keeps my investments fully mobile. Even when im on the move. Sign up at etrade. Com and get up to six hundred dollars. Psh psh lunch is ready campbells spiderman soups. Made for real, real life. . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, jon. Thank you very much. Thank you, lewis. Jon got that thing . Stephen folks, my first guest tonight hosted the soup, his new show, the Great Indoors, premieres on cbs on thursday. Please welcome joel mchale. Yes. Oh, i already sat down. Stephen sit down. Youre the guest. Sit down first. Im very happy to have you on. Im a fan. Thank you. Stephen i really loved thank you very much. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen and i dont know if im going to be the first person to say this to you. Probably. Stephen but i do have a bone to pick with you . Really . Stephen yes, because youre a gifted comedian its the true and it was alarming because sometimes i would see you on Community Like in an open shirt right, and you got turned on. Its cool. Stephen no, because youre alarmingly fit for someone who look theres a reason why i never even take the tie off. laughter . You are in great shape for someone in their 70s. You look great. Stephen thank you very much, thats very kind. Youre well preserved. Stephen absolutely, absolutely. No, i would yes, thank you. But its not a compliment. Im angry. I see. Stephen im angry. How did you do it . Did you start off fit . Were you an athlete . Oh, thank you. Yes, i was. No, i am y for a comedian, but thats like saying, have you tried that airport chili . Its pretty good for the airport. laughter so, yes, i play i did play a lot of sports. Stephen what sports did you play . Well, we dont have all night, do we . laughter no, i played a lot of sports badly. I played some bad College Football. Stephen oh, okay. And i rode in college as well. Stephen oh, you were you were a crew member. People doing it. laughter and as an actor, i wanted response from a crowd. And i got into a fist fight with the varsity rowing crew. Stephen the whole the whole crew . Well, it was 11 versus two, and its a long story, but there was a lot of hazing going on, if youre in a sport in crew . In crew. If youre in a sport nobody knows then you have to make up rituals to make yourself feel important. laughter i am really tradition on the east coast of crew. Stephen were you first stroke . No a starboard midpull man. Stephen youre making stuff up. I was at the university of washington and they make you shave all your hair off and eyebrows off and put all that hair into a pillow and that goes into a display case of hair pillows. Yes. Hannibal lecter got his start Pe University of washington. Cornered by the crew team. I was a freshman at the time. And, yeah, it wasnt fun time to be slapped around by so you went over to football where it was less violent . Well, yes. Well, you got to wear a helmet. laughter and i was a i was a terrible football player. I was on the practice squad. I loved doing it. But the defense would come at you, and on the practice squad, i would just cry, and be like, please, dont hit me. They felt great. They went into games feeling great. They got beat after that, because i was terrible. Stephen you were basically a ligtackling dummy. Yes. And i even put, like, a big orange sock over me to look like one. I couldnt move my arms at all. Stephen how did you go from that to comedy . Did you start in college . Of course, when you get out of College Football its either broadcasting or embittered i knew i was it was not i shouldnt even be in college i was so bad at it. As you know, your muse sits down next to you and taps ow the the nose and says, its time for comedy. No, i was super high. No. laughter i dont know. It was the only thing i was good at, other than taking a ball and throwing it through a ring, as a sport. Yeah, so you were a carney . Stephen kind of . I have a mullet and a beard, a light beer with me all the time. I actually saw you perform in chicago. Stephen what if steve carell. Stephen at second city. At second city back in 1972. When you had just gotten out of graduate school. Stephen exactly. It was the two of us, bellucci. Yup. Bellucci, and bing crosby. He was amazing. He did the music. laughter . Stephen talk about a bitter alcoholic. Oh, man. People still love bing so much, so you should read his bio. Yeah. Huge jerk. We have really accomplished a lot here tonight. Screw you, bing cross brie no . Barumabumbum . I loved improv and we went and saw you and carell, and you guys, off night, but whatever no, im kidding. Stephen it happened it was brilliant. Stephen the thing about improvisation, like 25 of it is good. And the rest, 75 of it is like, i bet its going to be good any minute. No, honest to god, thats true. 25 is good. You guys were up to 35 at least. Stephen probably, yeah. Im sorry. Im a dick. As you can tell. Stephen no, you know who is a dick . Bing crosby. Bing crosby. Dont get me started on bob hope. Good guy, really good guy. Yeah, he was. Stephen solid guy. Still alive. Stephen exactly. Please come out here. Bob . laughter no, is bob hope or bing crosby in your new show on cbs . What a transition, everybody. Thank you. Stephen thats why they gave me the gig. How many cbs actors have been through here in the last three weeks. Stephen 400 cbs act organize the entire exactly. Yes, its called yo it the Great Outdoors which is its not its called kevin can wait. Stephen oh, the Great Indoors . But we can fix this in post and no one will know. Stephen i dont think we can. I think theyll yang the show after we said that about bing. The Great Indoors. The bleep bing crosby. Stephen the the Great Indoors. Because it takes the phrase no. applause . Stephen its about something called outside magazine. Its the equivalent of outside magazine. They already love it. Stephen its a hit. Its the number one comedy that hasnt been on tv yet. Hasnt been on tv. Stephen everyone will be talking about it. Very excited about the show that hasnt aired. Its tomorrow night after this lowrated hit big bang theory. Stephen thats nice positioning. Bing crosby, year like, take that guy out. But, positioning. Im very believe me, ive never had a nicer time slot in my life after the vietnam time slot i had canw community, which was literally up against the big bang theor. And