[ cheers and applause ] i am moved. The Holiday Weekend is almost upon us. The fourth of july. The original brexit is the fourth of july. Its especially great when july fourth is on a monday. Its great for everyone, except dogs. Dogs hate the fourth of july. I love it. Its my favorite holiday. One of the reasons you dont have to wrap anything. Other than bacon around a hot dog, you dont have to wrap a damn thing. Its important to remember, it can be dangerous. Last year, two nfl players lost fingers setting off fireworks. [ laughter ] thats not a joke. [ laughter ] a player for the buccaneers and a player for the giants. They blew their fingers off, which is awful. But its a good reminder, if you go to play with fireworks, play soccer. [ laughter ] not only is july fourth a dangerous weekend for athletes, its the scariest time of year for mannequins. Every news channel, they get the mannequins out of macys and sears, and blow their limbs off, all in the name of fireworks safety. Its a somber holiday for them. In memory of the Department Store dummies who give their parts so local news crews can have something to blow up on the morning shows this time of year, we put together this tribute to honor their sacrifice. In the arms of the angels far away from here from this dark cold hotel r m room may you find some comfort here [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, thats great. I know. I guess its better than standing in the window at the gap for your whole life, right . Donald trump is upset today because so many of his former republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties instead of one because ted cruz, john kasich, jeb bush, and scott walker, none of those guys have jumped in to lipped their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald trump has been nothing but nice to them. [ laughter ] he says what theyre doing is disgraceful. And there should be consequences for it. What consequences, i dont know. Maybe he is planning to feed jeb bush to his dragons. I have no idea. At this point, the Republican Party is like the scientists at jurassic park. After the dinosaur gets loose. Its like, we created this, now its going to eat us. Speaking of being eaten, i want to wish a happy birthday to mike tyson who turns 50 years old today. [ cheers and applause ] he is a friend of the show and for mine. And to celebrate the milestone, a local third grader has prepared a special presentation in tribute to iron mike. Tristan, come on out and give it to us. [ cheers and applause ] hi, guys. Im mike tyson. And today, i turn 50 years old. People call me iron mike because im i am the most ferocious, atrocious, radadacious, delicious man alive. One time, i bit Evander Holyfields ear off. And then, i bit his other ear off. I tried to say im sorry. But he couldnt hear me. [ laughter ] oh, well. I got to go feed my pin johns. Happy birthday to me. See you later, suckers. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, tristan. He gave you a shot on the way out, huh . Guillermo yeah. Jimmy hey, this is interesting. Kfc in india theres kfc in india, which is interesting of itself, they have a new item on their menu, called watt in a box. Watt. Like the electrical thing. Its like a meal box that charges your phone while you eat. This is what it looks like. You plug into it. I guess the chicken powers your i dont know how it works. [ laughter ] its smart. Everyone can use a charge while theyre eating chicken. Here, in the united states, another fast food chain is copying it. Taco bell is thinking outside of the bun. Food recharges our bodies. Why cant it charge our phones. Now, the usbrito. From taco bell. Made of beef, cheese, and ground beef and a complex system of multicolored electrical wires. Thats tasty. Dig in. Just dont bite the red wire. Damn it. The usbrito. Try it with our new wifire sauce. Only at taco bell, live mas. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy not a real thing. We made that up. Do not order that. Taco bell does not have it. Okay . [ laughter ] this is funny. This little girl in the car with her mom. Shes lipsyncing along to the beyonce song, sorry, and then does something she might have to apologize for. No [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well at least she knows some sign language. Thats a good thing, right . [ laughter ] one more thing before we forge ahead. Its thursday night. Its time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. It is this week in unnecessary censorship. Enjoy. You cant unite a country by forcing [ bleep ] down the peoples throats. My name is faust. Aka black cat. Thats right. And im [ bleep ] from south africa. Who [ bleep ] somebody like me you want to [ bleep ] somebody like me this question is about the people, its about the right of the people of this country to [ bleep ] their own [ bleep ]. We have a big set of [ bleep ] that im going to be [ bleep ]ing hard as soon as i become president. Im the one guy that thinks he has a [ bleep ]. Wow. I did not know that. Wells has not [ bleep ] jojo yet. Muslims [ bleep ] muslims. Muslims [ bleep ]ing muslims. Muslims [ bleep ]ing each other. Charles, you [ bleep ], [ bleep ]. Hes not wearing pants. Thats a [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. Every part of me hurts. Even my [ bleep ] hurts. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we will take a break. When we come back from the break, were going to go out and ask people on the street to narrate porno movies. For the blind. For real. And three ridiculous questions with d. J. Khaled too. So stick around, well be right back. [ cheers and applause ] tmobile lets your family stream video and music from your favorite Services Free without using one bit of your lte data. And right now, when you get 3 lines for 40 bucks each, the fourth line is free. Wait no my computer, no, wait, what are we running after . My stupid, old computer. Well if its so old, why are you chasing it . Is it slow . Weigh a ton . Yeah. Well you know. I know. Todays pcs are faster and lighter, i know. So why are we still running . I dont know. You know about it. Now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Oh, charley horse, charley horse. Call for help, call for help. Help, help im free to do what i want and have a good time. The ford freedom sales event is on and zero for 72 is back on 2016 ford focus, fusion and escape. Plus specially tagged vehicles get an extra 1000 smart bonus. That means freedom from interest. And freedom to choose. With ford, americas best selling brand. Im free, baby now get 0 financing for 72 months. Plus, specially tagged vehicles get a 1000 smart bonus. Only at the ford freedom sales event. Feel free. Tmobile lets your family stream video and music from your favorite Services Free without using one bit of your lte data. And right now, when you get 3 lines for 40 bucks each, the fourth line is free. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy well, hi, there. Welcome back to the show. Tonight, Christoph Waltz, Danielle Brooks. Well have music from maxwell. This is an unusual combination of good deed and bad. Theres an adult video website that is offering a new feature, specifically for the visually impaired. For people who cannot see. Its called the scribe video. Its a real thing. The way it works, is narrators describe what is going on in a porn video, so that blind people can enjoy them, too. I dont know why they need the video. Just need the narrator, really. [ laughter ] the Vice President of the company said this is their way of giving back. So [ laughter ] very thoughtful. Heres an example of how describe video works. A white woman, in a cheaplooking red power suit, sits next to a tall, lanky, white, middleaged man with brown hair, a white shirt, gray suit and a redstriped tie. We move to an interview where we see a teen girl is sitting in a bright white room. A girl gets in, lots of makeup and squeezing a nice, curvy figure into a tight, blue dress. The video opens with a young white girl. She puts a piece of equipment on a shelf. And tiptoes around the corner to look at something. Jimmy you can guess what that something is. So far, theres only 50 videos with narration. I had guillermo go through them all. [ laughter ] as a public service, we went out on the street today and we asked people walking by our theater to pitch in and help. We asked them to narrate a video for this this video for us. And heres how that went. Would you be willing to narrate pornography for blind people today . Yes. How do you feel about narrating pornography for blind people . That would be interesting. Would you like to narrate some porn for blind people today . Yes, i would. Great. Go get in that booth. A guy is ordering her to do something in the kitchen. Wants her to peel the vegetables. And on the table, there is a few carrots, potatoes and cucumbers. And shes told to peel them. Very hanson with this cucumber peeling. Away from the body. Hes not sure how to do it, either. She asked where the wife was, shes at work. He just asked her what she has in mind. Now hes begun kissing her. And touching, pretty much every part of her body. He is grinding his pelvis against her flat rear. Inappropriate sausage joke. Okay, theyre making out, theyre making out. Theyre like ew. The background is them kissing. Also, the sink with a long faucet. Dirty faucet. Now, hes taking down her top. Now, nipples are exposed. Theyre like the size of two baby oranges. Oh, gosh. She seems to be enjoying herself quite a bit. And helping along with this little procedure here. He is touching her. Slapping her butt. She just picked something up. What did she pick up . She picked something up. I dont know what it is. Uh, okay i dont really think i know what that is. All right. That cant be safe. Theyre on the stove. Its a big stove. Very nice stove. A lot of parts. You could make a lot of meals there. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Now, shes drooling a bit. And hes taking it downtown. He has a bandaid on his ass. Oh, im getting distracted. He has titties, too. Ew propane stove, turn the knobs. There could be gas. What is that . What is that . What is that . What is that . What is that . What . Okay. Now, shes reversed the roles. And shes doing what i believe to be called the [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are they going to read that . Anyway, i dont know if that woman has grandchildren. If so, we apologize to them. We have a strong show for you tonight. With music from maxwell. From orange is the new black, Danielle Brooks is here. The great Christoph Waltz will join us. But before we get to them, major key alert. Its time for three ridiculous questions with d. J. Khaled. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy if you know somebody and you cant remember their name what do you call them . Bless up. Jimmy bless up. I call everybody bless up. Thats a greeting. Fy see you, bless up, jimmy. Know what im saying . If i dont know your name, bless up. Know what im saying . Its called positive vibes. Its called bless up. Jimmy what if someone sneezes . Bless you. But still, bless up at the same time. You know what im saying . Jimmy i do. Which would you rather see in person . A unicorn or a duck with human feet . Im going with a unicorn. Jimmy unicorn . Yeah. Jimmy why a unicorn . Special cloth. Know what im saying . Like a duck with human feet. I see that all the time. Jimmy you do . Theres a bunch of ducks out there. You know what i mean . Jimmy where did all the pilgrims go . I have no idea. Its not my business. Jimmy i respect that. You have to stay out of peoples business sometimes. Jimmy especially pilgrims, with the buckles on the hats. Socks pulled up. Shoutout to the pilgrims. Jimmy shutout to the pilg m pilgrims. Celebrate success way. Apple. The whole new way. Drink responsibly. Jimmy you know who will love that toast . The pilgrims. Absolutely. Another one. Another one. Another one. Another one. Bless up. Jimmy bless up. Ciroc apple, the answer to all lifes ridiculous questions. Ahhhhh but time always wins. Our greatest fear is running out of time. Theres a bomb in the salsa can we gotta get out of here my phone is still charging so if time is the most valuable thing there is, why would you waste more than you have to charging your phone . Ahhhhhhhh the galaxy s7 edge, with fast wireless charging, and our longest lasting battery. Ugh. Waa. Wow ohhh aaaaahhhh. Find your diet pepsi emoji today. Aha oof weee slurp. Mmmmmm. Cinnamon. Milk. Cinnamilk. Cinnamon toast crunch. Crunch crave those crazy squares. Cinnamilk you guys be good[ bark ] ill [ bark ]later. Bye. See ya pal. Xfinity home provides 24 7 professional monitoring for 24 7 peace of mind. Aw. Aw. Aw. Aw. [ dryer running ] know what your pets are up to. Partys on . With xfinity home, connected, protected home. Xfinity customers get a great deal on xfinity home and ask about free installation. Call or go online today. See the secret life of pets, in theatres july 8th. Amsleep number beds with you with Sleepiq Technology give you the knowledge to adjust for the best sleep ever. Its the final days of the lowest prices of the season sale, with our bestbuy rated c2 Queen Mattress now only 699. 99. Know better sleep. Only at a sleep number store. Jimmy hi, there. Danielle brooks is with us. She plays tasty on the show orange is the new black. Then, his new album comes out tomorrow. Its called blacksummersnight, maxwell from the samsung outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] maxwell looks like hes going through a lot right now. By the way, our audience tonight is filled with pregnant 14yearolds. So [ applause ] at one time, she was a pregnant 14yearold. But do not tell her kids. Our first guest is a twotime oscarwinning actor, who ranks right up there with freud and the von trapps as americas favorite austrian. He goes headtohead with the earl of greystoke in the legend of tarzan. My kings army is due in six days. All ive left to do is deliver tarzan to chief mongo. Im aware of his obsessive desire to kill your husband but have yet to discover the cause. What did tarzan do . Killed his only son. Oh. And get ready because that is nothing compared to what he will do to you. Your husbands wildness disturbs me more than i can easily express. Jimmy the legend of tarzan opens in theaters tomorrow. Please welcome Christoph Waltz. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you doing . Very good to see you. Kristof, you are from austria. You live in our country now. Do you celebrate the fourth of july . Is this something you take part in . With flying colors. Jimmy what colors do you fly . Do you know the colors of our flag . Three stripes. Red, white, red. Jimmy no well, no, youre right, that is kind of the pattern. You know what listen. You have to be careful. Theyll throw you out of here if they feel like you dont know the flag. You have to know the flag. I can sing the anthem. Jimmy you can . Very good. I can whistle it. Jimmy do you barbecue . Do you shoot off fireworks . Do you do any of the stuff we do on the fourth of july . Excuse me . [ laughter ] jimmy have you not been has no one invited you over for a proper fourth of july party . Well, they have, yes. Jimmy they have . I dont like the sauce. Jimmy you dont like what sauce . The Barbecue Sauce. [ laughter ] its sticky. Its sticky. Jimmy you dont like Barbecue Sauce . No. Jimmy no . Wow. [ laughter ] thats weird. You think . Jimmy do you like ketchup . No. Jimmy you dont like ketchup. Do you like mustard . Yeah. Jimmy okay. All right. Nice hot dog with some mustard on it. I dont like hot dogs. Jimmy you dont like hot dogs . Really . Isnt that against the law in your home country to not like hot dogs. Do you like a wienerschnitzel . It depends. Jimmy it depends. Is this why they kicked you out . Yes. Jimmy do you like hamburgers . Yeah. Jimmy what the hell do you eat . Are you a vegan or something . Oh, no. Jimmy all right. No. I eat normally. Jimmy you eat normally. Not according to me, you dont. [ laughter ] if you went to a party, you wouldnt have all of the stuff that comes off the grill . Oh. Id pick at it. Id say, mm, brilliant. Jimmy youre easing into our culture. Yes. Yes. Im not easing. But im kind of yeah. Jimmy your costar, margot robbie, my wife declared the most beautiful woman thats ever been on our show, was here on tuesday. And she we had a clip, in which she spit into your face. And she said she was very uncomfortable doing that to you. Were you uncomfortable being spit on . You know, nothing worse should happen. Not that im into this kind of, you know, thing. Jimmy you mean sexually . [ laughter ] you know, worse things could happen than margot spitting in your face. I was baffled by how much spit was in that little, beautiful woman. [ laughter ] how she contains all of that is beyond me. Jimmy yeah. There were a lot of takes, right . Yeah. Jimmy how many takes do you say there were . 62. [ laughter ] maybe 61. Jimmy she spit in your face 60odd times . She kind of had to replenish once in a while. Jimmy and that didnt gross you out . Dont bother you . And yet, Barbecue Sauce bothers you. I totally concur with the analogy. Jimmy of Barbecue Sauce . And spit. [ laughter ] jimmy wow. This movie, the premiere was across the street. Is that something you enjoy, going to the big hollywood premiere . Its fantastic. They close off one of the main traffic arteries of one of the biggest cities in the world. Jimmy yes. And put some plants there, to emulate jungle, as if it werent jungle enough. [ laughter ] and then, you stroll down an empty boulevard, across the street into the Roosevelt Hotel for a party. I dont know. Jimmy a lot of actors will go to the red carpet. They will take pictures and will sneak out of the theater. They wont watch the movie. Did you watch the movie . I did. I wanted to see i wanted to take it on the chin. Jimmy i see. And i did. Jimmy quentin tarantino, you worked with a number of times. Said he will go to a real Movie Theater where people pay opening weekend. Shell sneak in the back because he wants to see how a regular audience reacts to the movie. Have you ever done that . Or done it with him . Well, he does it for free. They make me pay. So [ laughter ] jimmy youve never done anything like that. Do you like going to a Movie Theater . I love going to the Movie Theaters. I used to. Now, its more of a multisensory experience with everybody talking. I mean, they counter that by turning up the volume so loud that it makes my eardrums buzz for a fortnight. At least i dont hear them talk. Now they fiddle with the gadgets. Jimmy phones, right. And what is it . Speaking of disgusting sauce. Why do they have to eat crap that stinks like with the guy next to m