How many out of towners do we have in our audience . [ cheers and applause ] jimmy were hoping to get the olympics here, the summer olympics in 2024. Even though thats eight years ago i think were already better prepared than rio is for the olympics that start on august 5th. Theyre not earning a gold medal for preparation so far. In fact, the governor yesterday the governor of rio said the olympics there could be a big failure. Besides the zika virus, which is enough onnist own, the train system there, its not scheduled to be completed until four days before the games begin. And this is what people saw as they arrived at the airport in rio yesterday. Welcome to hell. Police and firefighters dont get paid, whoever comes to rio will not be safe. Well, as far as signs go, that is literally a bad sign. [ laughter ] meanwhile, former olympic Gold Medalist caitlyn jenner, not not only is kaitlin the first transgender to be on the cover of si, also the first sequinned person on the cover. Life that issue. Isnt that a little strange to put her on the where are they now issue . Everywhere is where they are now. Should have saved her for who are they now . [ cheers and applause ] its tricky for journalists to write about caitlyn jenner, because she was a 65yearold man, now shes a 2yearold woman. Shes a toddler with a gold medal which is impressive. Here in l. A. We do have a working rail system, the metro, which happens to be getting a lot of attention nationally because of a new Safety Campaign that appears to have been directed by quentin tair tino. Its a Beautiful Day in safetiville and joan is catching up on her friends posts as she heads to school. Joan this time your phone obsession has really crossed the line. Joans friends arent going to like this picture. Pay attention and always stay behind the yellow line. Jimmy what about the guy who just steps over joans body to get into the train . I dont know. [ cheers and applause ] i know the idea, safety is important. But to me that just says, dont ride the train, call an uber. Uber by the way, i dont know if you saw this is launching a new service in china called uber plus travel that will allow people to book boat rides and hot air balloons on demand. What kind of a person needs a hot air balloon on demand . Unless youre the bachelor or the wizard of oz, you dont. But if youve ever dreamed of being trapped in a basket in the sky while a changer dressed in drakar tells you about his day, that dream is about to come true in china thanks to uber. [ cheers and applause ] barnes noble, the bookstore, has not been doing great. They have a new plan to attract customers. Theyre planning to open four bookstores next year that serve beer and wine in the store. They hope that offering alcohol will encourage more people to come in. To me this is clearly a barnes idea, noble would never be involved in this. But thanks to amazon, drunk shopping for books is now the norm. So they have to do something to bring in more customers. Theyre even changing their signs from now on theyll just be called this. They say just do away with the books, they might have something. You know, we are always on the lookout on this program for notable moments on television. And with that said id like to congratulate the team at local cbs in jacksonville, specifically anchor john bachmann, for providing us with tonights edition of excellence in reporting. New at 6 00, an orlando man is in jail accused of punching a swan in front of two offduty officers. The officers say over the weekend they were at lake eola with 56yearold jimmy oops. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy you try to make the workplace fun and you get burned for it. He should definitely apologize to the family of the swan. The investigation into Hillary Clintons emails seems to never end. These emails are like transformers movies. Just when you get sick about hearing one, another batch comes out. Yesterday 165 pages of emails from clintons time as secretary of state were released. Turns out theyre just as boring as the other 55,000 pages of emails. We arent interested in reading Hillary Clintons work emails. We want to read her emails with will. Those are the ones that interest us. [ cheers and applause ] meanwhile, hillarys former friend and current arch nemesis donald trump has hired a new communications director. A gentleman named jason miller. Which is interesting because miller worked for ted cruz and when he did work for ted cruz he tweeted this. Sleazydonald. And this. Donald trump is the karl lewis of flipflopping, ive literally never seen anyone move with such speed. Also this, unbelievable watching trump on cnn, tell trump to be classy. Trump described avoiding vd his own vietnam, sleazy donald. He coined the phrase sleazy donald. Maybe thats what attracted him . A man who can write a hash tag like that can be on my team any day. Donald loves this. Trump said Elizabeth Warren is a racist and a total fraud because she once claimed to be part native american. She didnt have any evidence of that other than that one time in college she and four friends went to a party dressed as the village people. But so trump now likes to call senator Warren Pocahontas and goofy. He ran out of nicknames so hes just using disney characters now. Its weird to call someone a racist and then call them pocahontas in the same sentence. But you know what they say, sometimes you have to fight racism with racism. Of course donald trump is very sensitive to racism because he himself is of a color that does not typically occur in nature. So he lashes out. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] tonight we combed through a treasure trove of trash talk to bring you this delightfully disparaging montage. Im not a fan of megyn kelly, i think shes a thirdrate reporter. This dopey guy glenn beck. Jeb bush, we call him low energy. Lying hillary. She is a liar. Dont worry about it, little marco. Lying ted cruz. Crooked hillary. Crazy bernie. Hes crazy as a bedbug. Pocahontas Elizabeth Warren. Shes the worst. Mitt romney is a stiff. And he walks like a penguin. Hillary clinton is a disaster. This wacky socialist guy bernie. Hes an ignorant president. The total incompetent jerk. Hes a sleaze, my book. Shes a basket case. His face is just terrible. The biggest ears ive seen. Shes got a big mouth. A joke artist. This guys a liar. Hes a bad person, folks. Shes a nasty person. Hes a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. He looks like a jerk. Child molester. She said hes a [ bleep ]. Shes a goofus. Little mouth on him. Bing, bing, bing. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Jimmy there you go, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. [ cheers and applause ] he loves to insult. Here now to sing about that, back by popular demand, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the trumpaloompas. Trumpaloompa if you are wise youll listen to me what do you get when you copy four names stirring up patriots and fanning up flames crooked and crazy and dummy and pig there are others so you feel big why you gotta hate trumpaloompa if you elect me you will go far you will live in happiness too like the trumpaloopa [ cheers and applause ] youre fired jimmy thank you. Well done. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy the trupaloompas, everybody when we come back, we make trouble at ufc events so stick around [ cheers and applause ] what are you doing . Sara, i love you, and. [phone rings] ah, its my brother. Keep going. Sara, will you marry. [phone rings again] what do you want, todd . . . . [crowd cheering] keep it going if you sit on your phone, you buttdial people. Its what you do. Todd if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. I know we just met like, two months ago. 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Sleep number beds with Sleepiq Technology adjust any way you want it. The bed that moves you. Only at a sleep number store. Jimmy still to come, Margot Robbie, flo rida with jason derulo. Nicely done. Tell our regular drummer jonathan that hes fired. Those fans of the ufc know theres a pay per vent july 9th in las vegas, ufc 200, it promises to be one of the biggest ufc events ever. The last one, ufc 199, was in l. A. At the forum in inglewood. We decided to make mma mischief. We sent our politically correct Community Activists jack and becky to the forum with a petition to ban punching and kicking from the ufc. Heres how that went off with the fans and fighters too. Tlc, not ufc tlc, not ufc tlc, not ufc were thinking that we should take out all punching and kicking from the sport altogether. Punching, illegal. Kicking, illegal. The petition is just to remove the kicking and the punching from the sport. I cant do that. Why not . I enjoy the kicking very much. What about the punching . Just sign for the punching, then. Just sign for the punching. Yeah, there you go. For this one ill just there you go. Poop sex . It says poop sex. What is poop sex . Is that something youre into . I can hold your hot dog for you. Okay. If you want to just sign though really quickly is this the ring . So another kid beat up your kid and youre accusing the ufc because of that . Were not accusing the ufc, we know that the ufc that he saw it and he learned the punches and kicks from that. Sir have you ever been in a fight . A couple. Yeah . Yeah, fighting at the ufc. Uhhuh. Okay, okay, okay yall are crazy, you know that . Youre bat [ bleep ] crazy. I would make the argument its crazy to savagely beat another human being. If you delete the punching and the kicking perhaps somebody maybe not overly athletic could compete im very athletic. I play hacky sack. He uses these muscles in a drum circle. Okay, okay. I feel like youre bad parents what . You come in here, preaching to people, when deep inside youre wicked and evil and now youre just trying to deflect it from you by criticizing people like myself. Thats how i feel. Am i allowed to feel like that . Are we going to start a petition against my feelings . Id just like to grab your feelings. Id like to start a petition. I just like that youre having feelings. Do away with violent moves such as punching and kicking, how do you feel about that . Sure, just talk to dana white, im sure hed love that. Whos that . Well talk to her. Yeah, talk to her, shes beautiful. Has a shiny head. Okay. A bit of a belly at the moment. Thats a rude thing to say about a woman. I understand youre the president. I am. We wrote a letter that we wanted to read to you about what we think should happen in the sport. Is that all right . All right, sure. Dear madam president , as a female in a maledominated industry, you are acutely aware of the struggle against adversity. We ask that you enact new rules and regulations for your sport wherein the use of kicking and punching are no longer legal. In doing this, maam, you would help so many other parents with their parenting duty, from male fathers to female mothers like you. Thank you, from jack and becky. What do you think . I think thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard in my life. Madam president dana, if youd just say in the camera were going to get rid of the kicking and punching. Were going to get rid of all the hippies who try to protest outside thats not really getting rid of the punching and kicking and replacing it with hugging. Im a hugger. I could get busy in a hug. Can you take your shirt off . And well do another hug. You take your shirt off, ill take my shirt off. Take your shirts off jack, take your shirt off. Okay, great. Are you happy . Im extremely im so happy. This is great, this is great. Oh, boy. Yeah. I was just going to show him to the dressing room. You can do whatever the [ bleep ] you want. Jack i just have to find my husband, im sorry. Jack jack whats that . Have him take his shirt off . It was for the cause. It was for the cause. Its not a cause to embarrass me in front of these people. Youre hugging with luke rockholt jack dont just say that jack i swear to god, get back here youre violent. Im not violent luke rockholt changed you. Tlc, not ufc [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you, jack and becky. Tonight on the show, music from flo rida with jason derulo. Jim jeffries is here. Well be right back with Margot Robbie so stick around compute, wait, wait. What are we running after . My stupid, old computer. Well if its so old, why are you chasing it . Is it slow . Weigh a ton . Yeah. Well you know. I know. Todays pcs are faster and lighter, i know. So why are we still running . I dont know. You know about it. Now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Oh, charley horse, charley horse. Call for help, call for help. Help, help when you can take your hands off the wheel to get out of a tight spot. When you can relax with your foot off the brake and stay put. And when you enjoy 400 horsepower thats both smooth and controlled. Thats the more human side of engineering. This is the lincoln summer invitation, hurry in now to your dealer for limited time offers lease an mkx for 349 a month or get 0 apr for 60 months and Just Announced 1,000 summer invitation bonus. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. to dog give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh to dog im so proud of you. Well thank you. Get your free credit scorecard at discover. Com. Even if youre not a customer. Officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. Woo hoo over you to you tom things have gone totally around the bend. Has the world gone completely bold . New doritos mix. Four snacks in one. Jimmy hi, gang. Tonight, hes got a new standup comedy special called, Jim Jefferies freedumb. It will be streamable on netflix starting friday. Jim jeffries is here with us. Then, his new single is called, hello friday. Flo rida with jason derulo from the samsung stage. You can see flo rida this september at the how do i say this the kaaboo festival. I dont know. Its in del mar, california. Look it up. Kaaboo. What the hell is that . Okay, thanks. Guillermo, what the hell is it . Cabo. Jimmy no, thats a place in mexico. Different one . I dont know. Jimmy you dont know, all right. Tomorrow night, from mike and dave need wedding dates, zac efron and adam devine, from the new show vice principals, walton goggins, and music from melanie martinez. And on thursday, cristoph waltz and Danielle Brooks and maxwell too. Our first guest is a talented woman from australia who burst onto the Silver Screen with the force of a thousand boomerangs and a million kangaroos. The legend of tarzan opens in theaters and imax friday. Please welcome Margot Robbie. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . I love being here. Jimmy its good to see you. Are you wearing pajamas . Or is this a new thing . I thought id dress like your audience at home. Its so comfy, honestly. Ive got my teeth brushed, im going to go straight to bed. Jimmy really, thats nice. Take off the shoes. Im just going to get settled. Jimmy you can do whatever you want. I mean, literally anything you want. You could take these couches home if you want to. Can i . I need a new couch. Jimmy by the way, i know its your birthday this weekend. Happy birthday. [ cheers and applause ] it is. Jimmy you celebrate . You have a big party for your birthday . Yeah, im turning 26. And yeah, so were going to have like a little hawaiian luau. Why the hell not . Jimmy why not, a hawaiian luau. Will you have a roasted pig . Were hoping to, yeah. Go allout. Jimmy youre hoping to . Coconut bras and grass skirts for the boys. Jimmy do you always have big parties for your birthday . For my 24th two years ago, and ive been planning this since i was 16. I heard of a friend having a 24hour party when they turned 24. I remember being, i cant wait to be 24, this is going to be the best idea ever i had a 24hour party on my 24th birthday. Jimmy its that long, 24 hours long . Yeah. Jimmy what time does it start . I imagine what its like to do a marathon. But in the drinking realm. Jimmy the jerry lewis telethon or Something Like that. It starts at what time . We started at 9 00 a. M. Jimmy you go do dennys for the breakfast that you get for free . Were in a courtyard, a champagne breakfast, actually really nice. We broke it up with costume changes so everyone could keep going. Jimmy be clean. What were the costumes . We started with western themes. A lot of cowboys running around. We had champagne, breakfast in the coat yard. Then we went to hyde park in london, running around there playing games. Then we need the sustenance so we went to five guys jimmy the burger place . Yeah, yeah, burgers. Because it was my birthday and i love burgers. Costume change number two. And next place was under the sea theme. Theres this wicked karaoke bar in london called banga banga and its got a bar next to it cocoa banana, which is kind of like banga banga. Sorry, irrelevant information. We were there jimmy it went to 9 00 the next morning . It did. It ended up at far more at progressively filthier and fittier bars. 9 00 a. M. , full circle. Ended up back in our courtyard, popped another bottle of champagne. Jimmy that sounds like so much fun, also terrible at the same time. Exhausting. Absolutely exhausting. Jimmy at any point rewarding when you make it to the finish line, we did it, we did it. Jimmy did you consider those people who made it to the finish line your best friends . Best friends in the world. Jimmy the ones who can hang. Everyone else jimmy whats your karaoke song of choice at a place like banana banga i mix it up. I know your audience. I feel the mood of the crowd. Maybe total eclipse of the heart. Jimmy classic. Bon jovi is more appropriate at other times. Jimmy did you have 25 hours for your 25th birthday . I was on set for suicide squad. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy so no party at all. Not a bad place to have your birthday for sure. It just so happened