Transcripts For KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live 20160826 : vimarsana.c

KGO Jimmy Kimmel Live August 26, 2016

Ill tell you something. On monday night, Hillary Clinton was here. She was right over there. Since then i found myself in the middle of an online conspiracy theory. As you may know many of Hillary Clintons opponents have been questioning whether or not she was healthy enough to be president. So when she was here i challenged her to see if she was Strong Enough to open a jar of pickles. She did it. And thousands, maybe millions, are convinced that i somehow rigged the pickle jar. One of those peel is a guy named alex jones high find very entertaining. He is one of those guys who believes big foot is responsible for 9 11. He believes everything. He applied his investigative powers to a pickle jar that he believes was loosened. There is no pop when she opens it. She acts like she has to turn it all the way around. Like shes opening a can of peanut butter. But anyone who has opened a sealed can of pickled vegetables, tomatoes, garlic, olives, whether it be pickled fruit, knows there is a pop. You dont turn around it. You cant open a captain pickles that way. You pressure down and pop it open and then unscrew it. No pop. She acts like it pops at the end. This is fake. I agree. This is a canned conspiracy. This video, during that seven minutes he calls it a pickle can like 30 times. Do they even sell pickles in a can . And that was not the end of. This it went on. First lets show it blown up. And then in slow motion. Here it is. She just lifts it off the top. Thats not how you open a can of pickles. Jimmy right. Only a maniac would open a captain pickles. If you ever feel bad about your job, there is a grown man who spent a full seven minutes yelling about me and a pickle jar on television. Lets say we did loosen the jar. What does opening pickles even prove . I have to imagine one of perks of being president is you never to have open pickles again. Probably not even allowed. To after studying the video evidence, the tape, alex moved to the physical part of his investigation. Im going to show you again. Can we zoom in to show people what she did. She claims she went around. She does this whole fake like shes straining. Let me company Hillary Clinton real quick. Give me a wide shot. Im making a Bernie Sanders sound. Going in a big circle. And then it comes off. They dont come off like [ groaning ] like that. They come off with pressure. Jimmy what the hell is going on here . I mean, seriously. [ applause ] there are people in the pickle industry who wont devote this much time and energy to talking about pickles. I feel like it is only a matter of time before the jar gets subpoenaed. And i asked if they had any video of the pickle jar backstage. This might shed some light on the situation. Are you sleeping . No, no. I need you to do me a favor. Very important. Hillary clinton will be here in a little while. Tonight on the show im going to ask her to open this pickle jar to see if shes Strong Enough to be president. I need you to guard this. Make sure nobody loosens it. Nobody taps it. All that of it is very important. It must not be tampered with in any way. Im counting on you. The future of this country could depend on this jar. Okay, jimmy. Jimmy thank you. Jimmy did you just eat a pickle out of there . [ chewing sounds ] i love pickles. Jimmy why, you Little Pickle monster this is why trump wants to build a wall. I dont want to make a joke. The stakes are very high and clearly alex jones has put a great deal of thought into this subject. So alex, if you are watching, and i know that you are always watching over us. I have something to say. Can you get in real close . You just had to keep digging, didnt you, alex. The man was so simple. All she had to do was open a jar of pickles and the white house would be all ours. Mine and hers. We had it all worked out. This went all the way up to vlassic. But you couldnt leave it alone with your twisting and your popping and your poking your nose where it shouldnt be poking. You blew the lid right off our pickle can. You just couldnt stop. It stops now. Im afraid this little game is over, alex. Now that you had to open your big mouth. I have no choice but to kill these pickles. The juice of these pickles is out, alex jones. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] the new world order sends its regards. Thats right. We staged the pickle jar stunt. I guess we should stage we staged the donald trump running for president stunt. By the wearing i would like to point out he has publicly failed to even open a single jar of pickles. He was in tampa yesterday when he unveiled his latest and greatest tike Hillary Clinton. The only people enthusiastic about her campaign are hollywood celebrities, in many cases, celebrities that arent very hot anymore. From the sitcom happy days, scott baio. Dont forget antonio jr. Meanwhile, in other top celebrities news, there are reports that ryan lochte might be on the list for the new season of dancing with the stars. Nobody tell minimum stars are another word for celebrities. He thinks he gets on dance in outer space. That should be interesting. I dont know about the fox trot but i bet hell be great at the back pedal. [ cheers and applause ] we should say, it is kind of reassuring to know whenever a celebrity messes up their career, dancing with the stars is always there to mess it up a little more. Speaking of abc stars, Kerry Washington who is beloved, on scandal, also nominated for an emmy playing anita hill in the confirmation right now, and theres buzz that she might get nominated for an oscar, too, for her role in a very scary new movie. That was inspired by real high of even of, in real life events. Of, in real life eventlife events. [ phone buzzing ] [ phone buzzing ] [ screaming ] group text. Youll never get off. I love that. [ cheers and applause ] we have to take a break. When we come backer we did some very sneaky with sneakers. We went on the street and showed people what we claimed were the new kanye west easies. They were not that but we have that. And this weeks unnecessary censorship so stick around. Well be right back. Hey, youre yes, sir. Clarence you know, at the model year end clarence event, you can get a great deal on this 2016 passat. Steve. Yeah . Clarence is on a roll. Yeah. I wish theyd name an event after me. Same here. But the model year end becky event . Thats no good. Stevent thats just vandalism. Whatever you want to call it, dont miss the volkswagen model year end event. 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The time is now for the biggest sale of the year, where all beds are on sale save 50 on the labor Day Limited Edition bed. Know better sleep. Only at a sleep number store. Jimmy welcome back to the show. Natalie portman, usher raymond iv. Starting on sunday in the middle of the nevada desert, the burning man festival lights up again. Burning man, if you dont know, is the festival that answers the question, what is it like to do paote in 110 degrees . If you are thinking of going, you dont to have rental an rv. An empty lot can be burning man if you have a lighter, some old wicker furniture and headlights. It will be hot. 88 degrees. The weather has been very harsh this summer. This is a report from the nbc station in ft. Wayne, indiana. It is a cautionary tale about what happens when the meteorologists and director are not on the same page. That looks like a tornado. If i can get it superimposed on top of this. We have ourselves a fun cloud. Tell him to pan back to the right. Pan back to the right. Pan back to the right. Were missing the wall cloud is to the right. Right in there. That is our wall cloud. Thats what were looking for. This is what were seeing, this is the wall cloud. If we can stay, tell them to stay right in the middle. Were missing it again. This is where the wall cloud is. Dont zoom in. Thats not anything. This isnt any type of rotating scud. This is what will be causing the tornado. If they can zoom back out, that would be great. We have a tail cloud at the tail end over there. The tornado, the fun cloud. Theyre going the wrong direction once again. A funnel cloud. I would watch 40 episodes of that show. Hey, this is a busy time for kanye west. In indianapolis, he kicked off his new tour. It is called the i dont want to keep one the kardashians anymore so im going on the road tour. In addition to the tour, kanye and adeedas are releasing a new line. This is for toddlers and infants. The yoift boost 350. For babies it will cost 130 which is a lot to pay for a person who doesnt know how to walk yet. But these shoes are the most expensive item your child will ever fill with apple sauce. Every time kanye releases new once, they sell out in minutes. Stores have lotteries so people can have a chance. People sleep outside to get them. If youre lucky enough to get a pair, theyre 300 but you can sell them to ebay for four times price. Swoe the news of a new shoe coming out. We wanted to give fans a sneak peek at the even the newer boost. The only catch is theres no such thing as the boost. We showed people a pair of sneakers we bought on ebay for 13. 50. We shipped them from china. Will the fans catch on to that when we give them a sneak peek to the new shoes . The answer is no. Kanye west is launching a new line of shoes. We wanted to get your opinion. I love shoes. Im a shoes guy. You know . Im a dancer. Tell us what you love about these. I love this. Whoa, this is really, really classic. I really like them. The look is fancy. I like the accents here. It age too much. It has that kanye on it. These are legit. Theyre adidas so you cant go wrong there. What do you think the laid liz say when they see you . Theyll be inviting me over for a house party. Leather designed to feel like canvas. It really feels lovely. Soft and smooth. Theyre first shoes ever made for standing. What do you think . I feel like i could stand for a while. A wifi hot spot into the shoe. If you take your phone out, do you see how it gets better . Yeah, it does. Would you wear this shoe . Yeah, i would. How much would you pay for Something Like this . How much would you pay . Like 300. I would go about 699. They dont feel like theyre a cheap shoe what so ever. They dont feel like i bought them from 13 from ebay, do they . No. Definitely not. One thing that makes they will so exclusive is kanye hand picked the children that made these shoes. He did make them in america in. Theyre american children. Thursday night, it means it is time to bleep and blur the moments. It was this week in unnecessary censorship. Were bleep several big the womens relay team. Its not a robbery. At that point youre [ bleep ] [ bleep ]. And then you have bill clinton [ bleep ] the attorney general in the back of an air maybe for 39 minutes. A can of pickles. I didnt want to caress you ask stick my [ bleep ] down your throat. I would be the worst bachelorette ever. I would [ bleep ] everybody immediately. I know this would you have. Yes, i did. Which animal do you think has the biggest [ bleep ] . Elephant . I [ bleep ] myself. The only way youll know is to try. [ applause ] usher raymond iv is here. Americans, i dont understand you. Always working on vacation. Always multitasking. Always busy making something. But what has all this ambition ever gotten you . That youre the greatest nation in the world . Where all your dreams come true . The galaxy note7 with s pen. Perfect for busy americans like us. 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Tonight, hes a singer and an actor too, he plays Sugar Ray Leonard in the new movie hands of stone, usher raymond the fourth is here. When hes a singer, hes usher. When he acts, hes usher raymond the fourth. And so far, Everybody Loves usher raymond iv. Thats for sure. Then later, this is his single. Its called little bit more. Jid yenna. Jimmy next week on the show, we have quite a week, we will be visited by terrence howard, terry bradshaw, zooey deschanel, aaron eckhart, wolf blitzer, ben stein, will be here cat deeley, casey wilson. And we will have music from glass animals, Nathaniel Rateliff and the night sweats, yg and bonnie raitt. No, yg and bonnie raitt will not be appearing together. That will be a lot of fun. Jimmy our first guest is the rare oscarwinner who is just as comfortable around a wookie as she is in ballet slippers. She is the writer, director and star of the new movie a tale of love and darkness, it is in theaters now. Please welcome Natalie Portman. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy this is your first time here. Its kind of shocking. Jimmy you just moved to los angeles. Right . Yes. Jimmy from paris. Is that a little bit of a shock to move to l. A. From paris . Yeah. Everyone smiles a lot here. Jimmy is that right . Its so nice. Theyre more, theyre very cool. Jimmy does that bum you out or do you get used to it after a while . You get i didnt realize that i got used to it until i got here and i was so surprised when like, you get in an elevator and someone starts a conversation. And theyre so nice. Someone would smile at my child. And i would be like, what a good person. Wow jimmy you wandered into a land of laker girls or something. Everybody has a grin on their face. Why do you think it is . Is there a cultural thing . Is it sadness . Is it considered rude to be friendly to others . Based on my experience is yes, it does seem like that is the case. Theres a lot of, i feel like theyre very a lot of rules of politeness and codes of behavior. Jimmy wow there, that you have to follow. I feel like it is a lot looser here. Jimmy yeah. Its really loose here. Yeah. Jimmy maybe a little too loose here. We feel like making the person next to you comfortable. You smile at them because you want them to feel good. Jimmy how long did it take to you learn the rules . I havent learned all of them. Im sure. A friend of mine taught me when you go in some place, you have to say bon js jour before you go anywhere else. And then wait two seconds before you say anything else. If you go into a store, you cant say do you have this in another size . Or theyll think youre super rude and then theyll be rude to you. But if youre like, hi, do you have this in another size . Sure. Ill help you. Jimmy it is like talking to siri in a way. Make sure you got her attention and then go from there. How old is your son . 5. Jimmy 5 years old. So is french his primary language . He speaks both. Because im english. Jimmy has he seen you in star wars yet . He has not but he knows about it, of course. Its kind of a shame. When i made it, i was like, this is going to be the coolest thing one day when i have kids. I can show them. And boys, of course, are obsessed with it and know all about it before theyve seen it. Then i realize, i die in the movies. So its kind of a scary thing to show your kid. Jimmy yeah, its bad if it scares him. Its worse if he likes it. You cant show him black swan either, i guess. Thats very strange. Thats something else. Jimmy and youre adjusting . Everything is okay now . He goes to school . All of those things . Yeah. Everything. Jimmy i want to talk about your movie. I saw that you had some very great reviews from the l. A. Times, from rolling stone, from peter travers. Is that something, this is the first movie you ever directed, wrote, produced, did you everything. Craft services, the catering. Is that something you want to see what people are saying or do you put it out of your head . I try not to look. I tend to believe the worst stuff the most. And i feel like it actually does kind of stop me from doing stuff. It kind of stops me from being brave. Trying things. So i try to stay away. Of course, peoplethe worst is if someone is like, dont listen to them. Youre like, i dont know jimmy do you have people that say that to you . Totally. Jimmy those people should be out of your life, by the way. They think theyre being nice. I loved it. Theyre wrong. Jimmy are these french people over there or are these americans . This was great. The people were i didnt look and people were like, congratulations. Its so nice what they wrote. So that was a nice feeling. Jimmy well take look at the movie and we have a surprise for the audience when they see the chip. It is not exactly what we expect from Natalie Portman. It is in theaters. It is a tale of love and darkness. 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