Only in boston. It is a holiday in boston because the quarterback for the new england patriots, tom brady, declared it a holiday. [ cheers and applause ] which i did not know he had the power to do that. He gave everyone the day off today. I dont think the mayors even allowed to give people has an athlete ever overthrown a City Government before . Because it could be dangerous. What if he decides to use his powers for evil . You know, tom brady is gluten free, what if he makes everyone go gluten free . You order a lobster roll, you get a handful of seafood, you know in the patriots had their big super bowl victory parade today. It was very cold but that didnt stop the diehards from having a good time. Most of them were too drunk to feel anything anyway. Even the patriots players got loaded on the duck boats. Look at that, drinking beers. Chris long, defensive end, draining a beer. Usually in boston they have to wait until st. Patricks day to get publicly intoxicated before noon. But this parade really hit the spot. Watch this. Thats rob ninkovich. Youll see what he has in his hand, hes drinking vodka straight from the bottle. [ cheers and applause ] no mixers. And of course even though he didnt play in the game, no celebration in boston would be complete without some words of wisdom from the man monkey known as gronk. The parade is handsdown my favorite event ive been to twice now in my life. Thats just motive motivating me more to keep getting parades. Its the best time ever. What are you going to tell all those kids out there . All the kids tell you the truth, i wasnt even planning on partying coming out in this. But the faness were asking for it and im giving the fans what they wanted to get. So i partied for the fans. Jimmy oh, thats thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, gronk, for your sacrifice. Thank you for your service i should say. So congratulations to patriots. I also want to Say Something to falcons fans. Anyone here from atlanta toni t tonight . Well, dont be sad. You had a great season. Second place. Look at katherine mcphee, okay . Remember that. Meanwhile, in washington today, there was no victory parade for President Trumps pick to run the department of education. The democrats pulled an allnighter on the senate to try to get one more republican to vote against her. They could not do that and betsy devos squeaked in 5150, which is terrible news for democrats and even worse news for grizzly bears. [ laughter ] you have to give her a chance. She already had an Innovative New loon plan for our public schools, which are now brought to you by mountain dew code red. [ laughter ] trumps press Secretary Sean Spicer addressed the confirmation during his Daily Press Briefing where he slowed him down for tonights edition of drunk sean spicer. [ tape playing very slowly ] the Vice President had a big day on capitol hill where he cast a historic deciding vote for secretary of ed ed education. Betsy devos. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats how he gets through the day. So while all this is going on in washington, this is what president obama has been up to. Kite surfing. [ cheers and applause ] with richard branson. Look at him, hes getting all the obamacare in the world. [ cheers and applause ] that is a smile of a man who had no idea he might not be allowed back in the country. [ laughter ] meanwhile, President Trump is mad as a hornet. He tweeted this morning, i dont know putin, i have no deals in russia, and the haters are going crazy. Yet obama can make a deal with iran, number one in terror, no problem. You know, there actually was a time in our history when this a president used the phrase haters are going crazy we might be alarmed. We might even be told to remain in our homes if the haters were going crazy. [ laughter ] can we show the photo of obama again . Er never coming back. [ cheers and applause ] trump says he doesnt know Vladimir Putin. They did match up on tinder, they went on one date. He says he has no deals in russia. If you cant take his word for it, take his other word for it. What exactly is your relationship with Vladimir Putin . I have no relationship with putin. I have no relationship with putin. Do you have a relationship with Vladimir Putin . I do have a relationship. I have nothing to do with putin, never spoken to him, i dont know anything about him other than he will respect me. I got to know him very well. We were both on 60 minutes. We did very well that night. We did 60 minutes together. By the way, not together, together. He was in moscow, i was in new york. I was in moscow, Miss Universe pageant. They treated me so great. Putin sent me a present, beautiful present with a beautiful note. I spoke to all of his people. I spoke indirectly and directly with president putin, when could not have been nicer. I dont know putin. I have no idea im not asking you that. Have you met Vladimir Putin . Yes. Jimmy oh, okay, thanks for clearing that up. [ cheers and applause ] hell meet him. President trump has been lashing out wildly at the media lately. Yesterday he accused the very, very Dishonest Press of intentionally not reporting terrorist attacks. Which hes right, why dont we ever hear about terrorist attacks on the news . Why dont they make cute animal videos on youtube anymore . His theory i guess is the media deliberately ignores terrorism because they want to protect muslims or something. Which of all his conspiracy theories this might be the nuttiest, or maybe eighth nuttiest, there are a lot to keep track of. The one thing that is clear is the president does not like the media, with one notable exception, a new network that bathes our president in the warm glow of admiration he deserves, and that network is called trump tv. This is trump tv. Number one news that feels right. For top stories, america finally gets tough down under. Whats really in those pouchs . Mexicans . Kangaroo . The Gorsuch Nomination ran and an exciting new way for white people to shake hands. First President Trumps immigration vacation. Most everyone loves the president s new executive order. In fact, out of 3,294 federal judges, only one totally blocked it. Thats 99. 99 success. In other news, press Secretary Sean Spicer had something very sexy to report. I dont think the president owns a bathrobe. Definitely doesnt wear one. Mm, hello president daddy and finally the winners win again in super bowl triumph for trump. Putins a killer. A lot of killers, we got a lot of killers, what you think our countrys so innocent . Its kill or be killed. Even crooked hillary agrees. I agree with you. Thanks, evil email lady. Coming up next, why mexico loves trump more than ever. The womens march. Was it just pms . And which religions are the worst . Well rank them. Next on trump tv. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right, its time for a game, a guessing game that puts my knowledge of myself to the test. Its time to play blast from the past. Here we go. The wall of america. We are now joined by eight individuals, seven of these people are complete strangers to me. Theyre people ive never met. One of them, though, is a figure from my past. My job is to try to figure out which person i know. Again, i have no idea who it is. My staff and family members have found this person to stump me. But i will not be stumped. I refuse to be stumped. Let me just take a good look at everyone for a second, give me a second. I recognize all of your faces is the weird thing. Okay, im going to start with number 7. Number 7 am i not allowed to ask what their name is . Yeah, number 7, are you the person from my past . Hi, jimmy. No, we have never met. Jimmy all right, where do you live . Alameda, california, part of the bay area. Jimmy tell everyone i said hi, maybe well get together soon. Come on up. Jimmy all right, lets go back to the ball and see okay, i got one wrong. Lets go with number 4. Number 4, you seem like maybe youre about my age. Are you the person from my past . Jimmy, we dont know each other, sorry. Jimmy oh my god, all right, okay. Thank you very much. You are not from my past. Next we will go to lets see. Number 6. Are you the person from my past . Yes, jimmy, i am the person from your past. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy yes, all right, okay. Oh, wow. All right, i see you have a sectional. I dont think thats a clue. But i can look around your living room. Okay. Were we friends . Uh somewhat. Jimmy were we in class together . No. Jimmy okay. Have you ever been to my house . No, i have not. Jimmy huh. Do you know my parents . No, i do not. Jimmy hm. Did we ever Work Together . Yes, we did. Jimmy oh okay. Was i in high school . Yes, you were. Jimmy i was. Cleto, you must know who this is, right . Cleto yes, i do. Jimmy did we work at a Clothing Store together . We sure did. Jimmy okay, millers outpost, the fashion answer, where i worked in high school. We worked okay, we worked at millers outpost together. Were you my boss . Yes, i was. Jimmy oh [ laughter ] wow okay. And i have a question. I think this is going to really the answer to this question is yes, i know exactly who you are. Did i lose my virginity to you . No. Jimmy oh. Oh, oh oh, were you oh, i do were my oh, okay. Did cleto once call you the beermeister and you got very, very angry at him at work . Yes, i guess thats possible. Jimmy deb is your name. Deb, you were my boss yes, deb is my name. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thats right. So deb, you now know that i lost my virginity to one of the women that worked for you. I do, i tricked you. Jimmy yes. Thats good information for everybody. How are you doing, deb . Everything all right . Yep, everythings good. I sent in jimmy you have a picture or something . I have a picture, yes. Jimmy oh, very good. Can you hold it up . I think thats you. Jimmy oh, thats me . Thats the paparazzi chasing me around back then. Oh, yeah, that is me working the cash register. I dont think we ever sold any of those necklaces. Are you still working in the Retail Industry . No, i am not. Im retired. Jimmy youre retired. Yeah. Jimmy why the hell am i not retired already . [ laughter ] you are, very good. Do you miss me . I do have something of yours, jimmy. Jimmy what do you have . I have your e. T. Vhs tape. [ laughter ] jimmy really . For real . Yes. Jimmy you borrowed it . Yep. Jimmy do you have it i never gave it back to you. I think you quit or something. Jimmy oh, really . Oh, okay. Well, yes. I moved, actually. I didnt really quit. In fact yeah. Okay. Jimmy yeah, yeah. You kept my e. T. Tape . I did. Jimmy so youre a thief also, how about that. Also. A beermeister and a thief. Jimmy on a scale of 1 to 10, how good an employee was i . In your recollection. Be honest, no joking around here. You were hm 8. Jimmy an 8 thats pretty good. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, deb. Thank you for taking part in this. Thats deb, my former manager at millers outpost. [ cheers and applause ] one of the nice things about doing a Television Show is occasionally you can do things that are only interesting to you. [ laughter ] lets never do that again, all right . All right. Tonight on the show we have music from charlie xcx, Gabrielle Union is here, Dweezil Zappa is sitting in with the cletones and well be right be back with will arnett ill have that goat cheese garden salad. That gentleman got the last one. Sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. Can i keep the walnuts . Sold. But i get to pick your movie. Can i pick the genre . Yes, but it has to be a comedy. A little cash back on the side. 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Juicy, cheesy, iconic big mac. Now in three sizes, for a limited time only. Jimmy thats Dweezil Zappa, sitting in with the cletones. His album is called via zammata. And you can see dweezil live at the fonda theater here in la may 6th as part of the 50 years of frank tour. When people come to the 50 years of frank tour, does anyone mistakenly think its sinatra . That rarely happens . Its not frank sinatra, frank zappa is the frank youre looking for. Thank you for being here. [ cheers and applause ] tonight, from the show being mary jane, Gabrielle Union is here. Then, this is her latest single called, after the afterparty, music from charli xcx. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, we have a fun show. Sean hayes will join us and Zach Galifianakis will be here, well have music from norah jones. And thursday, Kerry Washington and alicia keys. Back in the old days when canadians were welcome to enter this country, we received a gift for which we will always be grateful. He is an emmynominated actor who can be heard as tiny plastic billionaire bruce wayne in the Lego Batman Movie. It opens in theaters friday. Please welcome will arnett. [ cheers and applause ] jimmy how are you . Sorry, you caught me in a moment. I was having a deep moment. Jimmy yeah, i saw that. I hate to interrupt like that. Thats cool, im kind of crazy deep. Jimmy what were you thinking about . Oh, just stuff and such. Jimmy a lot of sorting out to do . People talk about a thousandyard stare. I think thats cool if you want to keep it shallow, i prefer a 10,000yard stare. Jimmy you always go 10 times farther than necessary. Than everybody else, yeah. Thats how how much deeper that willian people. Jimmy anyone from your past youd like me to conjure up for you . That was kind of cool that it was almost the person that you lost your virginity too. Jimmy yeah. [ laughter ] it would be fun if. You conjured up the people i lost my virginity i dont know what that dudes up to, but [ laughter ] hes probably fine. Jimmy im sure. Probably tells everybody. Wonder if hes still a man of the cloth. Anyway. [ audience moans ] oh, please. Thats my past. Jimmy youve been where have you been the last couple of months . I just got back from wales, in wales, which is part of technically part of england, its its own country, and its delightful. Its like, how do you describe it, like the rain olympics. Jimmy really . Yeah, yeah. Like the rain is coming up from the ground. Jimmy why did they choose wales as the place to shoot this movie . Thats a great question, i should have asked. Jimmy did it sound like it was a good idea . It sounded so romantic. Jimmy right, yeah. I thought it was going to be like a dylan thomas poem. Not one person. [ laughter ] one guy. Sure. So i did that. It took me about three weeks to get back into the country. [ laughter ] jimmy you had some trouble at the border . A little bit. Jimmy good, good. Good . Jimmy who knows what youre up to. I know. Jimmy that 10,000yard stare. I know. Jimmy you were also, this is interesting to me, you are the executive producer of the gong show, a new game show thats coming to abc. [ cheers and applause ] you remember the gong show. Jimmy of course. For those who dont know what it is, back in the 70s and 80s, before i was born [ laughter ] because im so crazy young. Im quoting you. Jimmy right, right, yeah. The gong show was kind of like a talent show for people who had a bizarre talent. And what theyd do is have a panel on, and theyd have a panel of comedians, really famous at the time comedians, people like steve martin were on the panel. Sometimes if an act was so bad or grating, a member of the panel had the right to get up and grab this huge hammer and hit the gong. Disqualify the person from the competition. Jimmy right. We decided in this age of competition, we have all these shows celebrating mediocre talent, that we should [ laughter ] that we should have a show that is sort of the antithesis of that. Jimmy a showcase for the mentally ill, if you will. Let get down to whats really going on in this country, you know . Let them have more of a voice. Jimmy yeah, wow, yeah. Its going to be really fun. Jimmy where are you going to get the people . How do you get people who might be gonged . Were going to go through a casting process. We actually were going to have an open casting session this saturday. February 11th. Jimmy this is true . Is this a joke . This is true. Its going to be gongshowcasting. Com. Jimmy thats the website . Thats quite a domain name. Gongshowcasting. Com. You realize most of the people you want for the show cant type that in. I know. We had to buy it from a dude in nebraska. Jimmy right. That must have cost you hundreds yeah. Jimmy the squatters get ahold of that, forget about it. So go there, check out the in info, come aboard. Were going to have great panels of comedians. Jimmy will you be at the casting sessions . I cant defoconfi