Sheep cost 2,000. 2,000 i could reassemble a sheep out of lamb chops for cheaper. Turns out being up for anything doesnt include sheep, or anything. But the cash has been spent, so now, ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, i present the late shows money i already spent justification theater. Oh, sheep oh, mr. Sheeplington, oh, oh, were lost in the forest. Youre right, it does look expensive. This is a moojical forest that makes money disappear. Oh that prop costs 400. laughter we bought it a few months back, but the fire marshal wouldnt mr. Sheepy. Well, they all lived happily ever after. Except, of course, sheep. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes titus burges. Jeff ross. And adam richman. Featuring ba and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause hey whats up . Thats nice. Stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Hey chris. Whats up mark . Whats up jon. Whats up joe. Very nice. Please, thank you so much, everybody. Wow. That is man, that is thank you for that will wonderful greeting. Im Stephen Colbert. This is the late show, and, man, im so excited i have no idea what jon that feels good stephen i have no idea what day or night it is right now. And ill tell you, thats not the only thing thats got me confuse, a little bit upset. I come to you right now we talked about this earlier i come to you as a man who got no sleep last night because of disturbing news out of north korea. They conducted a nuclear test underground. You think its hard being a north korean . Imagine being a north korean prairie dog. Its trecial. And north korea may soon have the technology to nuke countries other than their own because last month they tested a submarine. Based missile called the no dong. laughter no dong most men just get a sports car. He got a missile. applause the missile flew 300 miles before falling into the sea of japan. Man the dolphins around japan just cannot catch a break. Now, over the years its sad. Its a sad story. Now, over the years, weve enjoyed a good haha about little kims little nukes. But with a submarinebased nuclear missile, they might be able to threaten the united haircut and nuclear arms isnt so funny anymore, especially since after november, we might have one of our own. Laugh. cheers and applause and, you know jon jon you went into it there. Stephen you know what else isnt funny, north korea . Everything. Because they bapped the use of car camp. Now, theyre not banning i had perply. Theres no need to, because in nort k feel hungry enough to eat a horse. And heres why they banned the sarcasm. Because kim jongun fears people only agree with him ironically. laughter all right, well, thats how he feels. Id like to take a moment right now to reassure kim jongun. Dear leader, i want you to know that your ban on sarcasm is a great idea. So, so its so smart. It doesnt seem desperate at all. And setting off a bomb underneath your own country . Genius. laughter and by the the way, that haircut, amazing doesnt make you look anything like a gang leader at a womens hope that makes him feel better. Jon yeah, yeah, thats right, thats right. Stephen hes somebodys little boy. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen heres some happy news, new iphone seven just went on presail both here and in hong kong, where theyre using the tagline, this is 7. But theres been a bit of a problem, because in cantonese, seven is also slang for penis. Jon hey stephen so all of their coincidentally, this is peenes is what i said right before i lost my virginity. I was trying to be polite, making an introduction. This is penis. Everybody, this is penis. I dont think eqaight the iphone with a penis is going to hurt sales. Theyre both touch sensitive, and for both of them, its rude to take them out at dinner. Weve laughter weve got a great show tonight, everybody. From Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Tituss Burgess is here. And had we return, im going to tell you why you should keep your parents away from your pot. Stick around. Well be right back. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Rip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Nexium 24 hour introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. Nexium 24hr. The easytoswallow tablet is here. To those who dont run from mud. But through it. To the fullbacks. Gearheads. And those with green thumbs. To the sticky. The stinky. Even those who get a little icky. To all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up. With delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. See what delta can do. Hahaha umhmmm what . Im snapping. Youve been streaming my videos all morning. Now youre with this thing . No its not you its verizon they limit my data. I had to choose. Come on, girl. Lets get us a man with unlimited data. Why pay verizon more for data limits . Introducing tmobile one. One price. cheers and applause . . . Stephen welcome back, everybody. How is everybody feel tonight . You feeling all right . Let me ask you a quick question. Its a personal question, i hope have you heard about marijuana . I have a couple of stories to talk about and before i get spot criminal side of drug abuse, that is marijuana. A dangerous, dangerous drug. Youll smoke it. Youll think youre a bee and try on force your face through a keyhole. Ive seep it happen 1,000 times. Stay away from, jon. Jon i dont mess with it. Jon i heard that before. I play jazz but i dont do the cigarette thing. Stephen so youre not committed to that thing. Louie armstrong, said every time he performed. Thats the word. Jon thats the word. He actually got it from Dizzy Gillespie on his birthday. He came to his house with a shoe box and said, happy birthday. Now roll them up. Stephen a shoe box full, like the size of a joints. No, i wasnt there no one said you were, jon, no one said you were. You almost had that, like you know that was like you were being interviewed by a cop just now. Jon oh, yeah, yeah, see. They have stories about it that are pass down. But just not that committed so i dont know what form he delivered it to him in. Stephen okay. Jon but i coknow it probably happened because i heard it from an old guy. laughter . Stephen was this old guy jon i dont i dont think so. Stephen okay. Jon its hard to tell because, you know, i dont mess around with that. Stephen you understand. Jon but his eyes werent very red. Thats a sign, right . Stephen yeah. laughter i dont know, jon. Im not into that scene. I dont know, either. Im a suburban dad. What would i know about it . Jon i have no clue. Stephen good, so both of us are clean, absolutely. Jon clean. Stephen and well both get arrested, right . Jon there you go stephen all right, good . applause all right. Thank you for that unrehearsed story, jon. Jon yes, indeed. Thank you for listening. Stephen heres why i was getting into it. We have two stories tonight about the devils weed. Jon thats right. Stephen a recent study has found that rats who were given t. H. C. , the chemical found in marijuana, became cognitively lazy. Yeah, i saw that coming. laughter scientists reached their conclusions after giving rats the choice between an easy task to get less food and a harder task to get more food. Heres what happened. They found when given t. H. C. , the rats chose to sit on the couch and watch bojack horseman. Its a good show. But the marijuana report that really surprised me is from the c. D. C. They found that middleaged parents guys like me are now more likely to smoke weed than their teenaged kids. Yeah, tune in, turn on, and crank up the npr woo consider all the things consider all the things applause wait, wait, do tell me apparently, marijuana use among 12 to 17yearolds actually by nearly 50 . And among seniors, monthly marijuana use is up 333 . cheers and applause now we know. Now we know. Now we know why they eat dinner at 4 30 p. M. Why they drive seven miles an hour, and why they think 5 is an appropriate birthday gift. Still, this news about parental weed use is shocking. To find out more, lets check in now live via satellite with the late shows official middleaged couple, bob and diane hanson. From minneapolis, minnesota. cheers and applause thank you both for joining us. Oh sure, thank you, stephen. We watch your show all the time. Yeah, matter of fact, we watch a whole lot of tv. Stephen so, have you folks noticed a trend in people your age using more marijuana . No, havent noticed much of that. And ive been pretty focused on the cat. Whats he thinking when he lays in that patch of sunlight . If he were a human, would we be friends . Does he think im some big hairless cat . Oh, my god, what if he can read my thoughts . Stephen okay, im going to go out on a limb here, but it sounds like you guys are pretty baked right now. Oh, i love to bake. In fact, i got a batch of ow laughter what are you guys doing . Uhoh, its our son crotch the weed are you guys getting high in here again . Oh, stop harshing our buzz no one cares jodis kids let us do it stephen excuse me, young man. It seems like it bothers you that your parents smoke weed. Didnt, but if theyre going to, id rather it be at home, where i can keep an eye on them. Stephen and as a teenager, you havent experimented with marijuana at all . No. I dont do drugs. I snort adderall like a normal person. applause oh, my god. Do you think he knew . No. No way unless he can read our minds, like the cat. Oh, no stephen bob and diane hanson, everybody well be right back with titus burgess. You really seem high. Thats definitely a bong. This is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. This is humira helping me go further. Humira works for many adults. It targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. Humira has been clinically studied for over 18 years. Serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. Before treatment, get tested for tb. Tell your doctor if youve been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if youve had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flulike symptoms or sores. Dont start humira if you have an infection. Ready for a new chapter . Talk to your rheumatologist. . . . One smart choice leads to the next. . The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. . Before taking his team to state for the first time. Gilman go get it, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. . [ crowd cheers ] 2 back at Grocery Stores and now at wholesale clubs. And 3 back on gas. Which helped him give his players something extra. The cash rewards credit card from bank of america. Im Catherine Cortez masto and i come from a big family. A whole lot of people. A whole lot of love. And a whole lot of food. My dads family was from mexico. My moms was from italy. 60 years ago they met here in nevada and we grew as a family really grew as a family. Dad got his start parking cars at the dunes hotel. But he went on to be the head of tourism for las vegas and helped build the city we know today. Attorney general. Catherine took on the big banks when they preyed on homeowners. And forced them to pay one point nine billion dollars to nevadans. She became a National Leader in protecting children from sex traffickers. And passed laws to keep seniors safe from crooked scams. Im Catherine Cortez masto, i approve this message because ive spent my career solving problems, isnt that something we need more of in washington . band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Look, there are a lot of great shows on television, but there is no greater band on television than jon batiste and stay human. Amazing. Unbelievable. I cant believe i get to sit here every night and watch you guys be that good not smoking marijuana. Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a fabulous musician, a composer, and now a twotime emmy nominee for brake. Let me explain how the internet works. They are great tubes and theyre coming here through thi the apartment smell like fart. Were online, like scientists do i . Because my roommate is trying to get fired and its only a matter of time before i take a weird stand about anything at work. Wait, so its like a sleepover with strangers . But they pay us im doing it. Im putting our apartment in the phone. Whats a cozy uptown duck palace . Darn it Tituss Burgess. . . . applause stephen welcome back. That band is everything. You guys are everything, dude. Jon thank you thank you i literally just got back from walking in a fashion show for fashion week. Its my first time. Stephen you walked the i walked the runway. And it was, like, full of, like, skinny, tall people. Sp on the the car ride from there to here, my selfesteem opened the door and dartd out into the street. So weve got to wrap it this interview up because i have to file a missing persons report. Stephen well, listen, brother, you should have nothing but selfesteem. Well. Stephen youre crushing it. This is your second emmy nomination. Thank you. Stephen its in the bag, too. Youre going to get this one. Absolutely. applause before we get to that because i want to talk about kimmy schmidt. Can you show me your walk . You just walked the the runway. Ill show you mine. Hold on. Please cheers and applause all right, all right. . . . cheers and applause stephen beautiful. Oh, man youre get at it this, steve. Stephen what . Youre good at it. Stephen hey, listen, i was young, i needed the money. So who are you wearing tonight . Stephen let me write that down. Might be 125th street. Stephen thats nice. Well, welcome back to a broadway stage. Thank you stephen you should be very comfortable here. I am. Stephen because you have done great shows on broadway, and you loved broadway since you were a young boy. Do you remember the first broadway show that you saw . I remember yes, i do. I remember the first well, the first time i was introduced to broadway was a recording of broadway musical. So pbs and they still do it, i believe used to air like great performances. Me, too. Thats the first one i saw, too. And it was sunday in the park. Stephen me, too, mandy patinkin. So good, so good. . Its hot up here a lot of here . Not a job . I love it. No one else knows what were talking about. And i dont know that i because it was very stephen how old were you . I was seven. Stephen seven . Watching sondheim . Yes. Stephen thats pretty advanced, my friend. Wow. laughter would you like me to order some hair so you can do that . No, its there. You just cant see it. I didnt know what i was watching, but i understood energetically what was happening. Do you know what i mean . Stephen nope. Okay. There was i felt like, oh, i get it. I tone know its is, but i understand had sort of idea of bursting into song out of dialogue. It looked perfectly natural to me. And i thought why are you laughing . Thats not funny. Stephen you were something of a selftaught musician. Yeah. My grandmother, who is no longer with us, but is very much with us. Love you, grandma, rozina. She they had this upright piano i dont wherein they got. But i would play chords or whatever, but i could hear what the progression was supposed to be. Dont ask me how. I just know. And i would sort of fill in the blanks, and i subsequently taught myself to play piano. Stephen wow. Yeah. Stephen wow. How old were you when you taught yourself to play the piano . Nine. Stephen wow. Youre black mozart. Law lau laughter . No, hes black so lets talk about kimmy schmidt. Okay. Stephen secondseason nomination, congratulations. Thank you. cheers and applause stephen now, is there any relationship we talking about this a little bit before but is there any relationship between and you your character . Is there any similarity between the two of you . Because hes slightly unbalanced, dramatic theres no slightly. Hes fully unbalanced. Fully dramatic. He loves to be the center of attention. I dont think so. Look, when im hanging out with my friends and weve had a few, i slip into it. But i would rather cook and play piano. Stephen what would you make me . Whatever you want. Im a bomb cook. Stephen also selftaught or did you learn that from your grand mother. From my grand. Mother. Stephen really . Whats your specy. Remember this, she would be kneading doe, and we would be singing hymns and i would harmonize with her while singing hymns and he she would make biscuits. I can make some great macaroni and cheese. Youd look a little like me. Stephen i would love it. Yeah. Stephen now, you got you had a little bit of a faux pas. Ellie kemper had her baby. She did. Stephen do you want me to explain it before you explain it . No. Stephen its your faux pas. I insist. Stephen you said, my ellie had her baby. A son. Let me preface this. I dont okay. laughter i dont think anybody reads anything that i write. So, so im just like, dododo. An you know, will just comment. And im just, like, you know, showing how proud i am that, you know, she is well, actually, once you read it, i sound like im proud. I was excited. Stephen you say, why am i emotional is it hes not mine. That i know of. laughter keep going. Stephen well then you said, im from south. Is anyone from the south . You have ever heard that. Stephen im from the south. What is the fish thing . Talk to my grandma. Stephen i would like to. I dont know. But she would always know when one of my cousins was pregnant. She said i dreamed about fish, their nose would be swollen and sure enough there would be a litter of children running around the house nine months later. Im not joking. I swear to god. Stephen this is a superstition but when my wife were having children, someone gave us a rubber hippopotamus what does that have to do with this . Stephen you have a fish thing. I have a hippopotamus thing. Touche. Stephen no, not touche. Its not a competition. Im trying to share a moment with you. I remember looking at the hippopotamus, and every time the hippopotamus was looking back at me i thought she must be pregnant. The hippopotamus looked like a little baby and i was right every time. Wouldnt you know . Know. I dont know. I know how you make a baby, but i dont know when baby decides to arrive. I dont know that. It takes a little while to find out, my friend. I aint got no kids. Stephen no. Would you like some children sometime. No, honey, no. applause im not bringing anybody into this world. Absolutely not. Theres enough to take care of. Theres enough to take care of. Stephen all right, ll stephen good luck at the emmys, man. Thank you. Stephen lovely to see you. Please come back and maybe we should cooking it next time. You can cooking . Stephen oh, im a bomb cook. Stephen catch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt on netflix. Alright, hows this for a tv show. Sous chef. Lawyer by day,