Human. Now from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Hey whats going on . Im Stephen Colbert. Thank you so much. Thank you, my friend. Chris, hey paul, whats going on . Hey, jesse. Welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Hows everybody doing tonight . Feeling all right . cheers and applause wow, that is good to hear because this weekend some jerk new york city. Thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was injured is out of the hospital. cheers and applause at this point, cant we assume that any new yorker buying a Pressure Cooker is up to no good . laughter no one who lives here cooks. In fact, if you dont have a seamless account, the f. B. I. Has some questions for you. laughter hurt is that this guy is this is that this jerk left duffel bags on the street and two bombs were discovered by thieves snatching bags. Because, as all new yorkers know, if you see something, steal something. laughter applause id like to salute everybody in Law Enforcement because they caught the guy. That was fast. Jon real quick. Stephen his name is Ahmad Khan Rahami or, as im calling him, evil vneck lincoln. They caught him after a shoot out in linden, new jersey. Its just a 12minute drive away from his hometown of elizabeth, new jersey. Note to suspects on the run if youre planning an escape, dont do it during rush hour on the jersey turnpike. laughter applause heres what we know so far hes 56, 200 pounds. So theres one place the f. B. I. Didnt need to look for him the gym. laughter im sorry, i shouldnt terror shame. I know. laughter what else do we know . We also know he worked at his familys restaurant, First American fried chicken. One customer described him as a very friendly guy he gave me which explains why the initial f. B. I. Warranted poster looked like this. laughter cheers and applause seven herbs and spices, its a secret. Rahami shouldve known that that he couldnt terrorize us. New yorkers are not fazed by meatheads from new jersey coming into the city on a saturday night to make a lot of noise. Were used to it one eyewitness to the bombin told reporters, it was just a burning dumpster like you see around the city. cheers and applause thats right thats all . cheers and applause if you really wanted to freak us out, try something were not used to, like one block without mountains of urinesoaked garbage. laughter and look at this tweet from just a couple of hours after the explosion. Chelsea explosion, know that drunk new yorkers are Walking Around police tape to get into the club. laughter applause you barely disrupted our daily lives. Okay . So a block got shut down so cops could look around. That happens here every time they shoot an episode of law order. New yorkers are used to danger. This is a city with a neighborhood called hells kitchen. The official new york city bird is the middle finger. laughter cheers and applause and i dare you to name one other city where someone will punch you in the face just for saying hi on the street. Incidentally, still a big fan, mr. Baldwin. Now say hi to some true new yorkers, mr. Jon batiste and stay human. band playing stephen all righty, then. All right. cheers and applause yeah, im very excited. We have First Lady Michelle Obama on the show tomorrow night. Jon oh, my goodness. Im so excited. Thats going to be incredible cheers and applause stephen she is my queen. She is like the beyonce of people who will talk to me. laughter please join us. But im also real excited for our guests tonight. Chris pratt, scott bakula, and frederik the great, the worlds most handsome horse. cheers and applause i mean, did you hear that . Jon yeah stephen do you feel that . Jon yeah. Stephen the excitement in this room is palpable. Jim, can we put up the countdown to horse clock . clip clop, clip clop, clip clop stephen we borrowed this from cnn, thank you, gentlemen. clip clop okay, jim, can put that in silent mode. laughter and just to whet your frederik appetite, heres a little taste why, hello there. Wow. Well have more on frederik the great, as the story develops. Well, weve had a lot of fun talking about handsome horses and terrorism tonit, is some disturbing news out there donald trump. audience reacts on friday, trump made what he called a major announcement president barack obama was born in the united states. Period. Stephen all right, thats whats called a firm grasp of next hes going to announce water is wet, bears poop in the woods, and donald trump is not qualified to be president. cheers and applause but im not really irritated about that. Its Everything Else he said on friday that sticks in my craw. And i just recently had my craw cleaned. Listen to what else he said. Hillary clinton and her campaign of 2008, started the birther controversy. Stephen what . audience reacts that claim seems a little suspicious. If i didnt know better, id say you were a little help . World class liar. Stephen thank you. Proven false by politico, cnn, abc, npr, and snapple. laughter yeah, there you go. applause but you were saying. Hillary clinton and her campaign of 2008, started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. Stephen no, you didnt. No, you didnt. laughter and i know you didnt because i was alive and on tv but memorys a tricky thing. Maybe i remember it one way, and donald trump is a liar. laughter cheers and applause its impossible to know the truth. No way, right . Know the truth unless you have videotape, which we do. While we play the evidence, im going to do a little whittling. Jim . If he wasnt born in this country, which is a real possibility im not saying it didnt happen, im saying its a real possibility then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. People have birth certificates. He doesnt have a birth certificate. Now he may have one, but theres something on that birth maybe religion, maybe it says hes a muslim, i dont know. Ive been told very recently, anderson, that the birth certificate is missing. Ive been told that its not there and that it doesnt exist. And if thats the case who told you that . Said, they cannot believe what they are finding. What have they found . Were going to see what happens. Business right now. And you know, his own family rn in, in hawaii. Hospital he was hes got a grandmother that says he was born in kenya and she was there many people say it is not real, ok, that it is a forgery. Was there a birth certificate . You tell me. You know, some people say that was not his birth certificate. Im saying i dont know. Nobody knows. And you dont know either. His mother was a u. S. Citizen born in kansas so is he a naturalborn citizen . Who knows, who knows. Stephen wow. That took so long i was able to carve rodins the thinker. cheers and applause what are you thinking about . Im thinking hes a liar. Oh well, thank you for your opinion, unsueable inanimate object. But that wasnt even the biggest whopper trump pinched out. I finished it. I finished it. You know what i mean. Stephen no, i dont. No one knows what you mean. Once again, you are. Lyin, lyin. Stephen ly okay. Good to know how to spell that. Now, you might mean, if i was being charitable, in 2011, you made obama release his longform birth certificate, thereby ending the controversy. But thats a bigger load of horse manure than they just hosed out of my third guest. Tonight, frederik the great. Again, coming up in just its 40 minutes and two seconds. So beautiful cheers and applause that obama released his birth certificate in 2008, but that wasnt good enough for you. You demanded to see a long form birth certificate in 2011. And after obama released that, you called it a forgery, citing israeli science and announced you were sending a team of investigators to hawaii to uncover the truth. Who were these people that we never heard from again . Were they a fat captain, his first mate, a movie star. And the rest . cheers and applause and then right before the 2012 election, you issued this challenge. If barack obama opens up and gives his College Records and applications and if he gives his passport applications and records, i will give to the charity of his choice a check stephen first of all, thats a weird threat. You got a nice place here, id hate to see something happen to it, like me giving 5 million to the march of dimes. I remember this particular one like it was yesterday because, back then, i had a super pac full of secret campaign cash. And i offered to donate 1 million to the charity of your choice, if you, donald trump, would let me dip my bleep in your bleep . cheers and applause jon oh, oh stephen im guessing that is going to be bleeped by cbs. laughter if you would like to know what i just said, go to comedy centrals web site, i think its look it up and you will hear what i said. It was a pretty fun show. Now, for some reason, donald, you did not take the deal. Im going to guess because your bleep was already full of Vladimir Putins bleep . cheers and applause like caviar like caviar laughter now, lets take one last look at what you said on friday. President barack obama was born in the united states. Period. Stephen no, not period. Question mark bleep you exclamation point. cheers and applause . Heres the deal you dont get to flog this issue for five years and then act like youre correcting everybody else were not crazy. We were there we all saw you do it. Even the people who support you saw you do it. Its why they support you. By the way, now that youve admitted that the president was born here, a lot of people think you owe obama a 5 million donation. cheers and applause hes probably waiting on that check right now. You know, like most of your contractors. Of course, you probably wont make good on this because the other other thing you lie about is giving money to charity. Its estimated that a 5 million gift from trumps own pocket now would be more than the gop nominee has given to charity in well, that is embarrassing. So, mr. Trump, nows your chance to put your money where your mouth is or, barring that, theres always my bleep . cheers and applause . Well be right back with chris pratt and the worlds most handsome horse. cheers and applause . . . . . . Cheezit grooves are the Perfect Union of a cheezit and a chip. You mean like they got married . Umm. I guess. Youd make a pretty bride in that wedding gown. Oh, its a lab coat so. Hey everyone, joes getting married bam bam ba bam. Oh, im not. We take time for our cheese to mature. In our crispy cheezit grooves. . . Power, power to the lord . . Power, power to the lord . . Power lord . . When cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet that has a maximum strength formula for a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. This is the story of how mr. Bonejangles met his match. Mr. Bonejangles was always looking for something. But he never found it. Until one day. Seven in dog time. Exactly what he didnt know he was looking for fell right in his lap. Was he expecting the perfect toy at an amazing price . No, of course not, hes a dog. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, love it. Marshalls. Your surprise is waiting. . Hes divisive and dangerous. Uh, i dont know what i said. Uh. I dont remember. But congressman hardy supports trump 100 and said hell do whatever trump wants him to do. Hardy even said people with disabilities are a drain on society and that seniors who rely on programs like Social Security are a draw on government. Donald trump and congressman hardy onsible for the content of this advertising. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody thank you so much thanks for joining us. Again about our last guest, frederik the great, the worlds most handsome horse. He will be out here in only 30 minutes and 38 seconds. Trust me, turn on your a. C. cause its going to get hot in here. cheering speaking of hot, you know my first guest from his roles in the blockbusters guardians of the galaxy and jurassic world. His new movie is the magnificent seven. How about we take em over into that mine there . Uh whoa. This is as good as place as any. Easy. Gentlemen, allow me a moment to show you something quite miraculous. You show us our money pick a card. Is this your card. Stephen please welcome the delightful and talented chris pratt band playing stephen theyre very nice audiences we have every night. They dont always give standing ovations. Oh, really . cheers and applause what a beautiful theater. Stephen isnt a gorgeous theater . Gorgeous. Stephen speaking of gorgeous, have you seen that horse . laughter yes, i have. Stephen extraordinary. Its a problem for me. Stephen are you in a relationship . Yes, because im married, but i felt feelings for that horse. Im not kidding, stephen. I saw that horse. You guys, be careful. I really saw that horse and i went oh stephen gets you on a primal level. So beautiful stephen i just want to jump on bareback and ride off into stephen mmhmm. Its hard to explain until you see the horse. I have to explore this. I have to call my wife after this. Stephen youre an artist, you cant control your feelings. Youre right. Whoo frederik laughter stephen the last time we saw each other was 2003 when we were doing a movie called strangers with candy. Thats called a cult hit. laughter you played the Love Interest for amy sedaris. I think they have a clip of you in the movie right now. Wow, check out the bleep on that arm cheers and applause stephen 13 years ago. Did you know that movie cost me 3,000 to be in . Stephen what do you mean . We paid you, right . Well, no well, yes, you did. But this is a testament to how much we love doing what we do that we would pay to do it. It was something called a local hire only role so they only want to pay someone from new york or new jersey to do to role. They didnt want to pay to put somebody up. Stephen you were from los angeles. Yes, and i flew myself, pretended i lived here, stayed in a hotel and slept on peoples couches. It would have broke about even but in the middle i had to fly home for one weekend. Stephen to los angeles . To los angeles, yeah. Stephen yeah. Was doing a tv show called everwood at the time. Stephen sure. And i had to go to court because i had a warrant out for my arrest, which is pretty awesome to say. Stephen wow pretty hard core guy. Stephen yeah. It was like for an insurance ticket that i never paid. And, you know, so i flew home and did this thing and i came back and, yeah, it cost me 3,000. But it was totally worth it. I worked with you, paul, amy and Phillip Seymour hoffman was in the movie. Stephen yeah. I thought, that guys really nice. I hope he works. And then i didnt see you in anything for a few years, and then parks and rec as andy. Yeah. cheers and applause stephen youre a big star and you talk about getting in shape, but i kind of miss fat pratt. Do you miss him at all . My wife does, too. She likes to cook and i dont get to eat as much of her cooking as i used to. Stephen yeah. Hes not gone forever. Hes just on vacation for a couple of years, but hes coming back. Stephen now, you like our friend nick offerman, youre an outdoorsy guy. You like to fish, hunt, camp. Yeah. Stephen this is a great picture of you with friends out in the desert someplace. Yeah, that was on easter down in texas. Stephen thats sweet. Thats my friends jared and darrell. We did that on easter. Theyve got a big ranch down in texas, awesome place. Theyve got lots of land out there and they have this big cross. It was on saturday the day before easter. Weve got to bring it up this great big hill at some point. I said, lets do it right now. They said, you know, we didnt bring you down here to put you to work. I said, no, i want to do it. It was the saturday before easter. Thats what jesus was doing 2,000 years ago. So it was awesome. It took us two days, it was super heavy. And it was rewarding and awesome. Stephen if you we more people might go to church if that was the service and chris pratt is dragging a cross up a hill, would anyone attend . cheers and applause stephen well take a break and be back with more chris pratt. Cool. band playing [ on the road again, by Willie Nelson ] . On the road again . [ rear alert sounds ] [ music stops ] . Ust cant wait to get the road again . [ girl laughs ] . On the road again . . Like a band of gypsies we go down the highway . [ beetle horn honks ] no matter which passat you choose, you get more standard features, for less than you expected. Hurry in and lease the 2017 passat s my mother passed 2003, but she always told me i dont care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, you need to make sure you get your college degree. Sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. phone ringing answering machine hi, leave a message after the beep. beep hey mom, this is larry. I just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. . . . . Two billionaires, spending millions to buy a senate seat for joe heck. Highly misleading, and false. As attorney general, its cortez masto who held banks accountable and helped nevada homeowners. And governor sandoval praised Cortez Mastos dedication to fighting sex trafficking. Dont let joe hecks billionaires fool you. Catherine cortez masto has always stood up for us. Im Catherine Cortez masto cheers and applause band playing stephen were back with our friend chris pratt, everybody. Chris, youre a big star now, but as we were saying go on, be more specific. laughter stephen youre a global superstar . Oh no, sorry. Stephen do you think if you would have gotten famous young, it would have messed with you . Oh, yeah. Yeah, i thso it messes with you regardless, probably. I feel bad for kids who get famous really young because its important to make your mistakes in relatively obscurity so you can say, wow, i shouldnt have done that. Going to distance myself from that move from now on and become a better person. But you can really be defined by faris. Im a working actor. Nobody knew who i was. She was a big movie star. It was nice to see how people treated her that were in her life. That was a good lesson coming into the last years of my life because you started to realize who are going to be deferential and kind of be yes men, and it taught me some important lessons and i was able to see that, you know, youve got to really nurture the relationships of people that you have who will call you on your bull bleep and the people who would have you over to dinner if i was still a coupon salesman or waiter or struggling actor. Stephen you were a coupon stephen isnt the nature of coupons that you give them away f