Have symptom, and theyre going to hurt. Celebrating what they had found. I am who i am because of this, but i cant be the girl who got shot for the rest of my life. Doing together what they couldnt do alone. Its a gift that we were given. I feel completely changed. Sam is the kind of guy youd be happy to call your friend. Hes a 32yearold filmmaker, lives in denver, loves his girlfriend sarah, loves his dog rocco, has been known to make his own beer from time to time. He loves his job as a camera assistant on commercial shoots, sometimes. Sam likes silly clothes. Hes got some silly moves. The mans got silly tattoos, too. One says silly hats only. Hes an advanced hula hohoophu. Hes known at ponder monster. He leaves little paintings around town. He calls himself a professional dream chaser. Thats sam. For around 11 months out of every year. But then april rolls around. Theres a particular smell in the air, its like very sweet, you know. Everything starts blossoming. Its a time when everything starts coming to life. And really all i can think about is death. Sam, you see, is a graduate of Columbine High School. And he was there on april 20, 1999, 15 years ago today. A mass shooting at an american school, this time a high school in suburban denver. At least two young men dressed in black trench coats entered the school and randomly opened fire. How do you see the anniversary . Do you see it as a day . Or a set of weeks . Its kind of like a time period. January goes by, february goes by, and then i start to get the feeling around march. And then you fall off a cliff . Yeah. Pretty much. Its more like hitting a brick wall, emotionally. And you can see it coming from a mile away. And its that anticipation of april is that wall coming. Every year sam hopes he can break the cycle, but so far he has failed to come to terms with that tragic day. Sam was a 17 year old junior then. He was sitting in the cafeteria, studying for a test when the shooting began, and soon found himself trapped in a room with 17 other people, hiding from the shooters. I heard this boom. And it still didnt really connect. And then i heard a couple more, like ba, ba. And then i scramble around the corner and into the kitchen. And when i get back there, theres a woman cafeteria worker pulling a door open. The room is packed with people. And i turn around, i close the door. And naturally, youre going to want to lock the door. So i look at this handle, and theres no lock at all. We could hear the voices and the explosions and gunshots getting closer and closer. The memories. They have haunted sam to this day. Some people might have the notion that, you know, its been ten years, its been 15 years. Why arent you over it already. And it doesnt really work like that. These memories are just as powerful as physical scars. No one can understand sams inner struggle better than his columbine classmates and his principal, frank deangeles. Sam is still processing what has happened and still having some difficulties. Is it common . Are you all still finding the same thing . Sometimes you feel great, and you almost think that everythings in the past. And then one little thing can come along and youre right back to where you were 15 years ago. I went to college right afterwards and they did a fire drill. Its a fire drill. All of a sudden i froiz and tears started streaming down my face. I couldnt understand it. I doesnt move. Do you have to have been physically wounded to still be traumatized 15 years later . Absolutely not. Everybody who was part of Columbine High School experienced grief. This past week im getting phone calls from parents and students from 1999. Can you talk to my son . Hes been in and out of substance abuse. Theres thouno bleeding. You cant see it. I think thats the problem. Culture does move on so quickly that they think oh, youre fine. You look fine on the outside. Everything appears to be fine. Its been 15 years. The whole world watched while i was trapped in that room. What was required, sam decided, was a collective cry claiming we are not fine. My life hasnt been the same ever since. So several years ago he started interviewing several other survivors for a film project he called columbine, wounded minds. This documentary is about finding counseling for those who still need it, like myself. Im getting the impression that what youre hoping to do is tapping into the network of other survivors, find your counseling there. Yeah. Ive found a lot of answers with every Single Person that ive talked to. The most personal of answers, though, has eluded sam. What to do about april. But he hopes that this year hes found a way. A tenday journey to share experiences with other survivors. That with datelines help will take him to West Side Middle School in jonesboro, arkansas. Red lake high in red lake, minnesota. Northern Illinois University in de kalb, illinois and blacksburg, virginia. All places that were touched by the same senseless violence as columbine, which is where sam plans to return at the end of his journey to finally confront some longheld fears. I was hoping to find and learn new tools for the lifelong healing process and be able to bring them home and share them with some of my friends. But its a risky trip, especially for a person with as much emotional baggage as sam. Thats a really scary thing for you to confront yourself with and say that its okay to put yourself through it. Coming up. Opening a door to sams past that just wont stay shut. I remember laying on my back wondering if this was it. And sam takes a big step toward healing. I dont care if you were shot or not. Youve suffered. Thank you for that. I have nothing to do except be me. Tonight i am not mom. I am paula. So dad, what does that make you . Dad. Join the hunt for big savings. During the petsmart basket of savings sale. Save 40 on hundreds of items, including select top paw® spring fashion beds. Now through april 21st, at petsmart®. [ male announcer ] theres a simpler way to fluffier eggs. I cant believe its not butter the simpler way to delicious fluffy eggs. Believe. [ male announcer ] west didnt end where columbus landed. Not on the banks of the mississippi, or even the coast of california. The new ram 1500 ecodiesel. With 9,200 pounds of towing and 28 highway miles per gallon. West will never end. Guts. Glory. Ram. Its five weeks before the 15th anniversary of columbine. This is the about the time every year when survivor, sam, starts feeling anxious and depressed. But this year hes decided to do something about it. A crosscountry trip to meet the survivors of other School Shootings in the locations where their misfortune took place. Sam will travel alone, but i will join him in between stops to see how hes holding up. I look at your itinerary, jonesboro, arkansas, Virginia Tech, northern illinois, red lake, minnesota. Thats a scary journey and can open up a lot of pain. Yeah, because i didnt know what it would be like to completely submerge myself in just the whole idea of School Shootings and violence. Just completely 24 hours a day every day. Sam knows he could be thrown back into his nightmares, back to that room in the cafeteria kitchen, back into that moment when he heard the shooters approaching. I, i put my toes at the bottom of the door, and i didnt really feel like standing up, so i sat on the ground, wedged my toes under the door. And when the doorknob started turning it was like a horror film with the door newspaper turning slowly and the door slowly opening, and i remember laying on my back wondering if this was it. There were no more safety nets between life and death. Hello my old heart, how have you been are you still there inside my chest been so worried youve been so still barely beating at all driving into jonesboro, arkansas right now. And there was a middle School Shooting here in 1998, which was a year before columbine happened in march. A terrible and tragic School Shooting in jonesboro, arkansas, middle School Youngsters were apparently tricked from leaving their classrooms to the outdoors where they were ambushed from shooters in the woods. This is the first time ive ever stepped foot on the location of another School Shooting. So im going to meet debbie and lynette. They were both teachers at West Side Middle School who were there during the day of the shooting. Hi. Hi. Just being able to be around somebody who understands can do Amazing Things for your emotions, for the way you feel. We happened the year before, so you would have been a sophomore. Did you even hear about us . I did. I did. But, you know, it just, it didnt stick, i dont know. I think, i think, when it hasnt happened to you yet you dont notice as much. Then after it happens you notice everything that happens. Everything. On that march 24th, 16 years ago, Debbie Spencer witnessed several of her students die. Lynette was critically injured. They knew the students who did the shooting. Did you know the shooters . I knew dillen. I grew up with him, even though he was a year older than me. A years not that much. We went to day care together. His older brother was friends with my older brother. He was on my friends baseball team. Its strange when you know them personally. Yeah. We taught both the boys. Friends killing friends doesnt make sense. Not much does anymore sam tells the teachers, not just to him, but to many of his columbine classmates. You know, ive seen my friends. They go through all this horrible stuff and then just close themself off. And thats the worst thing they can do. And i know people who have done that. I remember when the doctors told me, one of them said you are severely clinically depressed and i started crying and said no, im not, and i thought, yeah, you must be or you wouldnt be crying like this. And thats when i south help from a counselor. But once march rolls around and the anniversary is near, all that therapy isnt enough to keep the memories from returning. Debbie once even tried leaving the country with her daughter for the anniversary. It didnt work. I have always wanted to go to paris. Always. It was march 24, the day that we, the first day we were there. And i just falled and cried. I said im this far away, why cant i just forget for a little bit. But it was just overwhelming the emotions that i had while i was there. So what are the greatest tools you have to get through the moments . I said its okay. I think thats what i learned the most, what im feeling is normal. Its okay. One of the things that has helped lynette is forgiveness. Shes even visited one of the shooters mothers. Id go to her house, and shed say hes just right over there. The prison was very close to their home. She was just devastated. So we just held hands and circled and prayed together. Thats what you do is forgive others if you want to be forgiven. I havent really forgiven, but what i say is theyre not worth thinking about. So i dont worry about it. I decided one day ive been a victim long enough. Theyve taken all this from me. Theyre not taking anything else. Because they had been minors when they committed the crime both shooters were released from prison when they were 21 years old. Our shooters are still alive, and we would love to have answers, but i think its like they dont really know why they did what they did. Sam and the teachers talked for hours. And somewhere during the conversation sam starts getting this feeling, familiar, because hes felt it before, that somehow he doesnt belong here. Sometimes i feel like i didnt go through enough to be able to talk to yes, you did. I know, but you did. And i dont care if you were shot or not, you were injured. You were a victim. And you have symptoms. And theyre going to hurt. I dont think you should ever let anybody minimize that. That is, you know, youve suffered. Thank you for that. Tell you that youre not a victim, because you are. That meant so much to me when she reached out and said that i was just as equally hurt as her, who, you know, and she had been shot. Is that part of what you were looking for, was some sort of sense of validation that what this is really all about is entirely real . Yeah. Debbie and lynette, they really showed me that were all in this together, and that part was incredib incredible. Sam will need his newfound confidence. His journey will only get harder. Coming up, a shared battle for survival. So you went out to newtown . Yeah. We drove across. Just got goose bumps. When dateline continues. Let it take the weight off your drive. Nissan. Innovation that excites. Its on. In this corner, the newcomer citrus lime sirloin and in this corner, chicken shrimp tequila tango 2 of the best, now on applebees famous 2 for 20 menu. Applebees. See you tomorrow. Now on applebees famous 2 for 20 menu. Mom has a headache had a headache but now, i dont. Excedrin is fast. In fact for some, relief starts in just 15 minutes. Excedrin. Headache. Gone. The more people we have, the more we save. He already owes me money for like 4 pizzas. We all get separate bills. Besides, if you dont like gordon why did you invite him this weekend . I didnt invite him. He just, like, shows up its pronounced gordon. [ dad ] hey lets go those tacos arent going to eat themselves over there. Tacos [ dad ] you look great, by the way. [ male announcer ] start a sprint framily and everyone gets separate bills. The bills are separate . [ male announcer ] and now get the Samsung Galaxy s5 for 0 down and a free galaxy tab 3. Happy connecting from sprint. As he travels across the country, visiting other survivors, sam is keeping a video diary. It was a little bit surreal. It feels like sort of breaking through the walls of a movie into reality. And all of a sudden its there in front of your face. He reflects on his jonesboro visit. To me, that was two terrors in one day. His most difficult moment standing with debbie and lynette in the courtyard where children and a teacher were lost. Im surprised they didnt kill more than what they did. It was just pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. As we went outside, it started to get to me a little bit. You could get the feeling of the complete terror that they must have gone through. Oh, dont leave me here alone oh, i dont want to be alone i want to find a home i want to share it with you right now im driving into red lake, minnesota which is an indian reservation. Im going to meet up with justin jordain. This community is in shock asking how could someone so young turn so violent and leave so many families grieving the loss of a loved one. Thanks for meeting us here. The classrooms at red lake high where some of the shooting he tells sam he hid in a nearby office together with about 20 other students. When the shot happened, we heard somebody stepping through glass and it breaking and getting closer. He comes to the door. First thing i did was grab onto the handle. Me and the superintendent at the time we grand onto the handle. Speechless. I dont know what to say. Thats crazy. Did you believe he also was holding the door during the shooting . I had no idea, you know, i wanted to scream out and be like, hey, i, i also held the door shut. I knew deep down that it was a really good bonding moment between the two of us. Justin, a Tribal Police officer now, is a man of few words. Instead, hes a man of action as he showed in the wake of a 2012 shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in newtown, connecticut. So you went out to newtown . Yeah. We drove across. Took me three days to get everything organized and to get all the people together that wanted to come. And we just took off and left. Justin and his delegation brought sandy hook this dream catcher as a show of support. The gift was more than a symbol. It had been given to the Red Lake Community seven years before from a group of students at columbine. Today he was paying that gift forward with a special message from red ling. May this dream catcher never have to travel again i believe is what it said on it. Just got goose bumps. It was a healing thing. Just, when you go out there, let them know that we know what theyre feeling like. Mmhm. It helped us, too, by, i mean, dealing with what we went through. Flare is a word inscribed above the door of the room sam and justin met in. I noticed this, how do you say that . Ogichidag. It means warrior. I saw justin as this silent warrior, whose presence was so powerful being here with me goes such a long way to step forward in a community that doesnt really open up a whole lot. Courage. Sam will need it at another stop. Northern Illinois University. I tried to help them. And then i fell apart. Lucky for sam, hell have a shoulder to cry on and plenty of advice from a man named joe. Coming up, how sam was touched by violence yet again, just a few miles from home. My friend got on the phone and you could just sort of see it in his face when everyone and everything works together, business just sings. [ woman ] the technology in these pads. Best creation ever [ female announcer ] always infinity. The only pad made with flexfoam, not fluff. 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All day, everyday at olive garden, were all family here. Discover 70 lunch combinations including our chicken parmigiana sandwich starting at 6. 99. Were not alone. And we arent as isolated as we were on the road with sam as he tries to make sense of his journey so far. You say not alone, but youre also not forgotten. People talk about columbine. They talk about Virginia Tech. They dont often talk about red lake, minnesota. We dont remember all of the shootings, unfortunately, for a number of reasons. And one of them bein