Seth good evening. Im seth meyers. This is late night. We hope youre doing well. And now if you dont mind, were going to get to the news today is valentines day, so if youre watching right now, better luck next year. [ laughter ] according to the latest numbers, the average american is expected to spend 200 this year on valentines day, or 400 if you made her breakfast in bed. [ light laughter ] eggs are super expensive right now, guys. Thats a joke about eggflation. [ light laughter ] thats what baze calls it. In a video today announcing shes running for president , former u. N. Ambassador nikki haley said, quote, i dont put up with bullies. And when you kick back, it hurts them more if youre wearing heels. Whoa, what job does she think this is . [ laughter ] does she want to be president or teach krav maga . When i fight for the middle class, ill hold my keys so they stick out between my fingers she does make an interesting point, though. If she wins, shed be the first president to wear heels since the last president [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause a lawyer for President Trump said recently that trump was using a manila folder marked classified to block a small light on a landline phone next to his bed even weirder all the ones that he taped up to use in place of curtains. [ laughter ] Buckingham Palace yesterday announced that Queen Camilla tested positive for coronavirus. Luckily, as a royal, she was already planning on doing nothing for the next few weeks [ laughter ] the maker of the robot vacuum cleaner roomba announced yesterday that the company would lay off roughly 7 of its workforce. And since it was roomba, it took everyone 45 minutes to find the door [ light laughter ] and finally, according to a new analysis by yelp, the most romantic restaurant in wisconsin is grandpas pizza that story again the only restaurant in wisconsin is grandpas pizza [ laughter ] we got a great show for you tonight. That was the monologue [ cheers and applause were very excited weve got one of our favorites the star of the highlyanticipated marvel movie antman and the wasp quantumania. Paul rudd is here, everybody [ cheers and applause by the way, shoemaker over there shoemaker, our producer, shoemaker, so excited about antman. Keeps bragging that he got tickets for thursday night from fandango dude, anyone can use fandango. Thats not youre not a media elite. [ light laughter ] and after paul rudd, we have the return of a segment that is very polarizing for our viewers its called popsicle schtick. And some people love it, and some people like my dad think its a crime, against [ light laughter ] both comedy and humanity and the punishment for the crime is that he will call me tomorrow and tell me in great detail why he hates it. [ light laughter ] and you might be wondering why im doing it anyway. Maybe im trying to work some stuff out with him [ laughter ] so i hope you all enjoy popsicle schtick, and remember that ill be paying for it tomorrow but before we get to all that, i was at a freemasons meeting recently, and our [ light laughter ] and our grand chancellor was giving a sermon on the secret history of migrating tree frogs and [ sniffing ] excuse me. I could be sorry i could be sorry i am sorry [ laughter ] i could be i am i think i smell some smoke, and that can only mean one thing its time for ya burnt. [ cheers and applause seth welcome to the burn zone weve got a lot of topics to sizzle through and not a lot of time over here is the burner. Lets turn on the gas and load her up whoo Beverly Hills chihuahua. First up, buffalo wings. Ah, buffalo wings. The only thing representing buffalo at the super bowl since 1994 [ laughter ] [ audience oohs hey, buffalo wings, thanks for making my coffee table look like an Elephant Graveyard by halftime the only bigger pile of bones youll see during a Football Game is jerry jones. Side burn, jerry jones announcer side burn. Seth buffalo wings i cant think of a better snack to put out for guest who have been drinking since 8 00 a. M than the worlds messiest food i hope you dont have white furniture. Also, i hope you dont have white furniture in general its tacky youre not scarface. Announcer say hello to my little stain seth and hey, buffalo wings, appreciate the side of stringy, tasteless celery, but i can just drink the ranch dressing straight [ laughter ] buffalo wings, you must be the roof of my mouth, cause ya burnt nepo babies, the mediumtalent children of celebrities who are crossing the border between Beverly Hills and West Hollywood to steal all our jobs. Sorry to inform you, but getting ahead in america isnt supposed to be based on who your parents were just ask president john adams son, president john quincy adams. [ light laughter ] also, nepo babies, youre exhausting me. My entire day is spent tiptoeing around interns because i just know one of their dads is the mgm lion [ laughter ] hey, nepo babies, your parents are hot. But you, ya burnt. Singleply toilet paper. Listen, im a bit of a risk taker, but some risks just aint worth it [ laughter ] no way im going into an active crime scene without backup [ laughter ] even the plot of avatar isnt this thin. [ audience oohs and please just say on the package how many times i need to fold you i dont Love Learning origami middump [ laughter ] also, singleply toilet paper, why are you exclusively in restaurants where we need multiply toilet paper the most . [ laughter ] if even one item on your menu has those three little chili pepper icons next to it, you better have triplequilted charmin in every stall singleply toilet paper, youre the worst roll since the one i played in journey t to the cenr of the earth. Side burn, me. Announcer meyers burn. Seth singleply toilet paper, someone must have lit a match in the bathroom because ya burnt. Sports drinks. Hey, sports drinks, youre not science. No one even heard of electrolytes until your commercials told us we needed them [ light laughter ] stop pretending youre what i need after an intense gym sesh if your ads were honest, they wouldnt show workout warriors theyd show someone with a debilitating hangover in a fetal position holding a bacon, egg, and cheese and im sorry, what was the problem with water when it came to hydration im sorry it doesnt have a flashy name like tidal blast or dickhead grape [ laughter ] that said, vitamin water, you aint water. Youre just koolaid for grownups. Hey, sports drinks, looks like youre all good on vitamin d because ya burnt the guy who lost to George Santos. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] i have so many questions first off, how how . Seriously, what the [ bleep was going on over at your campaign, man . Who was your head of Opposition ResearchGeorge Santos . [ laughter ] were you even trying to win, or were you tanking for draft picks . Forget George Santos youre the one who should be investigated by congress [ light laughter ] what did you even do with all the money people donated to you . Make signs that said dont vote for George Santos, and the dont fell off look, on one hand its hard to beat a former volleyball star, broadway producer, and black jewish american. On the other hand, he wasnt guy who lost to George Santos, im not even bothering to learn your last name, and ive learned, like, 12 of George Santos names hey, guy who lost to George Santos, id say ya burnt, but i dont think you can be burnt any more than losing to George Santos. Yeesh. That one machine at the gym. Yeah, that one hey, that one machine at the gym, youre like dj khaled youre everywhere, and i have no idea what you do [ laughter ] side burn, dj khaled announcer another burn seth youre with all the cardio stuff, but i also saw someone lift you the other day, so im hella confused. I actually drank a sports drink while looking at you because i didnt know what else to [ bleep ] do also, why does my gym have five of you ive never seen more than one at use. The rest of you are just standing around with nothing to do like the other guys in maroon 5. [ audience oohs hey, that one machine at the gym, [ bleep ] you, ya burnt popes. Looks like benedicts been quietly transferred to that big parish in the sky. Wow, another pope has passed how can we stop this epidemic . I dont know maybe this is a crazy idea, but has anyone tried hiring someone younger than god himself [ laughter ] if you want your popes to stick around a bit longer, why not hire the 27yearold nepo baby son of another pope . Announcer news flash they exist seth and by the way, when you hire a new pope, just announce it in a tweet instead of belching out pollution. Is this the vatican or exit 12 of the new jersey turnpike [ laughter ] hey, popes, go [ bleep ] in the woods. Ya burnt flowers, the gift that says i dont know what you like, but also i dont care. Theres truly no greater metaphor for romance than something that starts out beautiful, then very quickly dies and why is it considered romantic to put rose petals on her bed . Its like saying, honey, guess what you get to clean up later. [ laughter ] besides, everyone knows that valentines day is just a lobbying scheme by big romcoms so that florists can make enough money to believably live in new york city and fall in love with the bookshop owner across the street announcer his name is henry, and we accidentally bumped into each other on jane street. And the klutz that i am, i spilled my groceries all over the ground, and he helped me pick them up and when he handed me a cantaloupe, his finger brushed mine and, oh, god, seth i i told myself i wasnt going to do this again i wasnt going to let myself need someone [ laughter ] and besides, hes moving to jersey to try to make things work with his cheating ex, and his plane leaves in one hour [ laughter ] seth hey lis [ flame roaring [ laughter ] hey, listen. [ applause ] i know im just your best friend your dorky, hot best friend, and im usually, well, wrong about everything but i have to ask. Do you love him . Announcer oh, god. I do i really do. [ flame roaring seth h then go to him. Announcer yeah [ flame roaring [ laughter ] seth yes, and hurry. Announcer okay okay im going to do it oh, wait but my hondas in the shop [ flame roaring seth take mine [ laughter ] go, get out of here. Go get the love of your live and maybe, just maybe, one day [ sighing ill find mine [ laughter ] announcer youre married, right . [ flame roaring seth yeah. Announcer cool, cool well, wish me luck [ flame roaring [ tires squealing [ laughter and applause seth flowers, ya burnt sweaters thank you, sweaters, for making the ten pounds i put on during the pandemic look like an easy 30 congrats whens the baby due . Oh, no baby. Its just a chunky knit. Also, thanks to static electricity, wearing a sweater comes with the awesome bonus of turning every doorknob into a stun gun but, hey, at least i can be cozy for the ten minutes every day when im outdoors and miserably hot and itchy for the remaining hours. And cardigans, dont think i dont see you. Excuse me. Are you a professor . No just a regular old virgin. Announcer henry wears cardigans, and i can officially confirm hes no virgin [ flame roaring [ coughing ] [ laughter ] seth sounds like somebody made it to the airport on time [ buzzer ] oh, no, that buzzer means were out of time. This has been ya burnt. Well be right back with paul rudd. [ cheers and applause moderate t to severe e eca still didisrupts my y skin. Moderate t to severe e eca despite trtreatment moderate t to severe e eca itit disrupts s my skin wiwith. Moderate t to severe e eca it disruptpts my skin n with ra. But nonow, i can d disrupt ecza withth rinvoq. But nonow, i can d disrupt ecza rinvoq is s not a stereroid, topical,l, or injectction. Itits one pilill, once a a. Manyny taking ririnvoq saw cleaear or almostclear skin while some saw up to 100 clear skin. Or almostclear skin and, they felt dramatic and fast itctch relief or almostclear skin some as eaearly as 2 d days. Thats r rinvoq relilief. Ririnvoq can l lower your r aby to f fight infecections, thats r rinvoq relilief. Includining tb. Thats r rinvoq relilief. Seserious infefections and blblood clots,s, some fat, cacancers inclcluding lympmpa anand skin canancer, deatath, heart attatack, strokeke, anand tears inin the stomamh or i intestines s occurred. People 50 0 and older r witt least onone heart didisease anand tears inin the stomamh or i intestines s occurred. Risk facactor have h higher ris. Dont tatake if allelergic to rinvovoq, as serioious reactioions can occur. R. Tell your r doctor if f youe or may b become pregegnant. As serioious reactioions can occur. R. Disrsrupt the ititch and rash o of eczema. Talk t to your dococtor about ririnvoq. Disrsrupt the ititch and rash o of eczema. Leararn how abbvbvie can help y you save. seth hi, cecily. I just switched my whole family to verizon. cecily arn how abbvbvie oh, its americas mostve. Reliable 5g network. seth and its only 35 a line. cecilily not t that youre braggggin. vo with verizon unlimited for 35 a line, your famamily now gegets disne, hululu, and espnpn . All threree includeded. Verizon if you understand sneakers, you start to understand squeaking, which leads to hardwood, and the art of kareems famous sky hook. So you get how flying works, carbon, and our constantly changing world. Which takes you to human evolution, which was shaped by chewing. And if you understand the appeal of gum, and you realize how much of it is on our streets, you understand why some people never wear their favorite sneakers. Dove 0 is different. We left aluminum out and put unbeatable 48 hours freshness and 1 quarter r moisturizers. In. Dodove 0 aluminum deodorant. Instantly dry feel and kind on skin. [oven diding] we make sisitdown chihic. Standdup chickenen. Backckyard chickcken. Oooops chickenen. And alallsmiles c chicken. If t theres onene thing we e , backckyard chickcken. Oooops chickenen. Its chickcken, chicken n and chickeken. Morere choices. Momore wow. Momore to loveve. Its chickcken, chicken n and chickeken. Whoa. Okokay. Easy doeoes it. We switchehed to libererty mul and sasaved 652. They c customize your car i insurance, soso you only y pay for whatat you need. D. With the money we saved, we thoughtht wed try electrtric unicyclcles. Whwhoa cacareful, bababe saving w was definititely eas. Hehey babe, i i think i gogot saving w was definititely eas. Its a actually. Whooooa ok, shshowoff hehelp oh only pay for w what you nenee. Liberty. Libeberty. Liberty. Y. Liberty. [ cheers and applause seth give it up for the fantastic 8g band right over there, everybody [ cheers and applause back with us tonight on drums, shes a new yorkbased singer songwriter who most recently performed with Bruce Springsteen in support of his latest album only the strong survive. Check out the debut album singles club from her solo project hushpuppy, which is available now. For more information, go to zoebrecher. Com zoe brecher is here. [ cheers and applause thanks for being with us, zoe. Our first guest tonight is a very funny actor you know from movies like this is 40, anchorman, and clueless. He returns to the marvel cinematic universe in antman and the wasp quantumania, which premieres in theaters and imax february 17th. Please welcome back to the show, our very good friend, paul rudd, everybody. [ cheers and applause seth welcome back, my friend thanks, seth. Thank you, seth. Seth im so happy to see you. Its great to see you seth you are riding high for a lot of reasons one, the movie coming out. More importantly, for a guy like me, your kansas city chiefs, super bowl champions yeah. Seth congratulations thank you very much seth you got to be at the game i went. Seth fantastic oh, my gosh what a what a whirlwind that experience is and its just thrilling, you know, when your team wins. Especially ive been a fan for a long, long time. So this is kind of a new experience seth and you had your son, jack, with you yeah. Seth and that must make it extra special. Because, again, this is something that you he would not be a football fan if it wasnt or he wouldnt be a chiefs fan if it wasnt for you. Right, because i guess he started kind of rooting for them when he was about 6 or so. Seth yeah. Hes 18 now, and its true. Like, the best thing is to be able to kind of share this with your kid so, yeah it was, it was just it was awesome seth so they won in 2020 when they won that was, you know, a big deal for i mean, again, you as well as jack, but it must have been such a cool moment to share as a father and a son. It was. That whole run really was just massive, and it started this whole thing. And it was such a nice feeling because, you know, in that year, in the first playoff game, the chiefs were down by 24 points against the texans and it really was the first time i did kind of have this, why do i do this . [ light laughter ] my son was so despondent he was so sad, just kind of Walking Around went into another room seth yeah. And i really had kind of that by myself. I was really upset and mad because this is not this is not worth it seth yeah. This is not worth putting yourself through this kind of despair. I feel like i know all eagles fans are feeling this right now. I know all fans of another teams are feeling this right now seth but i feel like so this is a thing that happened to me that you did to jack, right which is, jacks also never lived in kansas city no. Never in his life, and hes a die hard chiefs fan. Seth and im the same way. Like im a huge Pittsburgh Steelers fan because of my dad. He fully just did it to me yeah. Seth i remember the same thing in my teens when things were going bad for the steelers. Yeah. Seth id be so upset, and my dad would say, look, its not that important. Im like, you taught me to care its the truth. Its like why do we do this to them seth i wonder, how does your wife feel about it because thats the other thing, is my wife, who has watched me go through the roller coaster has basically said, like, i dont know if im cool with like two more of these in the house. [ light laughter ] it might be three my daughter is really young, and she watched the game, and she wrote chiefs kingdom in pen on her arms seth uhhuh. And she was she loves she goes, i want a Kadarius Toney jersey. Seth wow and shes young, but she is also really into it. I know why we brought this into the house, its like adopting a dog that and seth like a super old dog. A super old dog [ light laughter ] its just like youre just bringing were inviting in disappointment [ light laughter ] seth we want a puppy well, i got good news and mostly bad news [ light laughter ] yeah. Yeah this is not [ light laughter ] the time that we