[ light laughter ] dude, you made barack obama show two birth certificates, and you called the pope disgraceful. [ light laughter ] but youre gonna reserve judgment on this guy who looks like the tow truck driver from a horror movie . [ light laughter ] need a ride ladies . [ applause ] youre not gonna get cell service out here. [ light laughter ] authorities were called to a florida airport yesterday to deal with angry passengers after Spirit Airlines canceled multiple flights. Just look at this. [ shouting ] [ bleep ] seth man, the only time ive seen people that mad is when a Spirit Airlines flight wasnt canceled. [ light laughter ] what, i have to get on it . Queen elizabeth was spotted driving herself home from church yesterday in a jaguar. Jaguar, all i see is a cougar. [ laughter and applause ] your way, my way girl. A toyota recently set a record for worlds fastest suv after going 230 miles per hour. It was driven by a mom who forgot her kid at soccer practice. [ light laughter ] a new study shows that most people plan to retire sometime after they turn 65. I said, a new study shows that most people plan to retire [ cheers and applause ] when they turn 65. [ applause ] you could golf more if it was possible. On this day in 1960, the fda approved the worlds first commercially produced Birth Control pill. And on this day in 1961 the first couple learned what 99. 9 effective means. [ light laughter ] and finally, a twitter plea from a teen for a year of free wendys Chicken Nuggets is now the most retweeted post of all time. Followed by the time Justin Bieber accidentally tweeted out the number three. Ladies and gentlemen we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he is nominated for a tony for his role as gregory solomon in Arthur Millers the price. Danny devito, one of our favorites back on the show tonight. She is the star of a fantastic new amazon series i love dick. That is the title of the show. Her name is kathryn hahn, shes our friend. Shes back. [ cheers and applause ] also, she is the president and ceo of planned parenthood. I cant wait to talk to her about everything thats going on. Cecile richards joins us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] before we get to all that, on friday, a jury convicted a woman of Disorderly Conduct for being disruptive during attorney general Jeff Sessions recent confirmation hearing. She laughed, got kicked out, and loudly protested. So, while she didnt get arrested for laughing, it did help her get to the point where she got kicked out. So to help make sure this doesnt happen to you, please welcome one of our writers amber ruffin with a segment called how not to laugh at Jeff Sessions. [ cheers and applause ] greetings everbody. Now, usually i want to come out here and have fun, but now is not the time for games. It is the time for very important steps that will keep you out of jail. Okay . Okay. Protester Desiree Fairooz was arrested. And i thought, this is crazy . Theyd arrest a white woman . [ light laughter ] and also, theres a white woman named desiree . [ light laughter ] now i dont want this to happen to you so for your own safety heres how not to laugh at Jeff Sessions. Number one when you find out his full name is Jefferson Beauregard sessions, dont imagine someone saying it like this Jefferson Beauregard sessions. Cause that could get you giggling and the next thing you know, youre in jail. [ light laughter ] and certainly dont add extra words like Jefferson Beauregard sessions, get your hand out of that cookie jar. [ laughter ] i know its fun but dont do that. For your own safety. Now number two do not let his appearance get to you. Even though he looks like a mike pence shrinky dink. [ light laughter ] stay cool. Even though he looks like you put an old mans face and faceapp and press baby. [ light laughter ] do not think to yourself that he looks like a garbage pale kid named plantation nation. [ laughter ] or you will not be able to keep it together and now if you are anything like me, when you hear his name, you want to put it in a parody of the song confessions by usher like this these are my Jeff Sessions just then i thought put all are good dont do that. Okay. Another great way not to laugh at Jeff Sessions is to think about how horribly racist he is. In 1986, a Senate Committee denied sessions a federal judgeship because he was deemed too racist. You know how racist you had to be to be considered too racist in the 80s . [ light laughter ] they were so racist, we havent even unpacked it all yet. People still have yet to get mad about walk like an egyptian. And you know thats coming. [ light laughter ] just think about all those broke racist games and you will be fine. But you will not be fine, if you think, Jefferson Beauregard sessions, stop slurping mint juleps. [ light laughter ] do not think that. Even though he looks like he could grant wishes, be careful cause he cannot. Unless your wishes to have threefifths of a vote. [ audience ohs ] these are my Jeff Sessions just when i thought i said i like [ cheers and applause ] really, you should not laugh at Jeff Sessions. He cannot take the teasing. If you want to laugh at someone, laugh at this guy. He loves it. This has been, how not to laugh at Jeff Sessions. [ cheers and applause ] seth give it up for amber ruffin everybody. You know, um im in my 40s now. Im married, i have a kid and nothing, nothing makes me feel older than when i dont know the new slang terms that teenagers are using. And it seems like these days teen slang terms are evolving so fast, that sometimes its hard to keep up. So i went out, i did some research. I talked to some real teens. And they filled me in. And so i want to do you the favor of passing on to you in our segment seth explains teen slang. [ applause ] seth our first new teen slang term that actual teens are using is algebra. Lets see what it means. A bra that is extremely difficult to solve. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. I was fooling around with jenny, i was about to make it to second base. But, her algebra was so complicated, i had to use the quadratic equation to get it off. [ laughter and applause ] our next routine slang term is united passenger, lets see what it means. [ audience oohs ] its the drunk kid who gets dragged out of prom. [ laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Mike got so drunk, he ditched his prom date to grind on a water cooler. And the next thing you know, two large men were dragging him out of the door with his belly exposed. Unitedpassenger. [ laughter and applause ] moving on you all probably know Patrick Dempsey. Patrick dempsey the ageless, hunky mcdreamy from greys anatomy. And hes huge with teens. [ light laughter ] very popular with teens. So popular, that teens have come up with a new slang term based on how ageless Patrick Dempsey is. Its patrick hempsey. Lets see the definition. Its weed thats 51yearsold, but still looks fantastic. [ light laughter ] for example, found some kush from 66 in one of my grandmas old boxes. But i got to say, that grass didnt look a day over 40, patrickhempsey. [ applause ] up next we have gastronaut. This is a noun used to describe someone who goes really far away to pass gas. [ laughter ] for example, i think ian has stomach problems, because every 15 minutes he floats away from the group, gastronaut. [ laughter and applause ] up next, we have rasputin. This is the guy at the party who you cant believe hasnt passed out yet. [ light laughter ] for example, thought greg was a goner after he took 22 tequila shots and chugged that bottle of shampoo but that rasputin is still tearing up the dance floor. [ light laughter ] moving on, this next slang term is hyper specific. I cannot stress how specific it is, but i also cannot stress how happy you will be to know it if the situation should arise in your life. And here it is, the word is squakward. And heres what it means. Its an adjective used when your pet parrot says your exgirlfriends name while current girlfriend is over. [ light laughter ] for example. Hey, julia, check out my parrot roscoe. Bwak take it off, susan well, this is squawkward. [ laughter and applause ] when i was a teen, we didnt have that. You had to say this is awkward, that my parrot did that. This saved so much time. [ light laughter ] next up its kentucky doobie, lets see the definition. When you get so high, you cant remember how to walk, so you have to ride on your friends back like a jockey. [ light laughter ] for example, i smoked so much of grandmas patrick hempsey last night, that i hopped on big mikes back and he galloped all the way to my house and i fed him some apples. Kentuckydoobie. [ applause ] moving on, kids teens, teens huge fans of msnbc. Our next term is morning joe. This is when two teachers announce theyre a couple even though everyone has already known for years. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. Mr. Collins and ms. Arnold finally morning joed their relationship today even though everyone knows theyve been boinking in the teachers lounge since the reagan administration. [ laughter and applause ] up next is, fast and furious. This is someone who is very dumb but makes a lot of money. Here it is in a sentence. Tyler is dumber than a bag of roast beef, but that boy rakes in the cash getting makeup tested on his face. Fast and furious. And finally, our last teen slang term is, frisbeef, what does it mean . Well, its when two ultimate frisbee teams hate each other. For example, it started out so innocent just a game between friends, but after the first quarter, it turned into something else, something sinister. Suddenly, there were no rules, no laws, no moral compass. It was kill or be killed. When all was said and done, and the field ran red with the blood of good men, i knelt down next to the fallen brother and looked up to the heavens, when god . When will this frisbeef end . [ laughter and applause ] that was seth explains teen slang. Well be right back with danny devito everybody. [ cheers and applause ] out out get get get grrr did you find everything okay, sir . Whaaaaat . With motionsense technology. Degree has redefined deodorant so that i can redefine. Power. Footwork. Range. The more i move, the more it works. Degree. It wont let you down. Beggin skinny strips or beggin black label . Theres two . what a delicious dilemma beggin strips premium edition. Twwwoooooo . . with real meat as ingredient one. Everything to your liking . Mmm mmmmm. Beggin strips premium. Becaussssseeee beggin im on the phone towel please while other Insurance Companies just see a house. We see the home youve worked really hard for. So why not give it the protection it deserves. Dude. Yodude. Unchings stheyre just jealous. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch with crunchy clusters and the taste of apples and strawberries. I got one guess were having cereal for dinner. Kelloggs raisin bran crunch apple strawberry. Seth welcome back everybody. Please give it up for the 8g band, right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, back with us tonight on drums, hes played with some of the biggest names in music like Meghan Trainor and bryson tiller, and he was with us for our week of shows in washington, d. C. Last year. Thaddeus dixon, everybody [ cheers and applause ] so great to have you back with us, thaddeus. Thanks so much. Seth my first guest tonight is an emmyaward winning actor you know from t. V. Shows like taxi, and its always sunny in philadelphia, he was just nominated for a tony award, for his role in Arthur Millers the price, now on broadway through may 14th. Please welcome back to the show, the very talented, danny devito, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back hey, baby seth im so happy to see you. Hows it going, seth. Seth its good and congratulations. Aw, thank you. Seth tony nominated. Tony. Seth this is your first broadway show. And he gets a tony nomination. Seth yeah. [ cheers and applause ] nice, yeah yeah. Its very, very, very exciting. Seth for your first time, do you think this spoils your second time now . I dont know, what do you think . Seth i dont know, i feel like youre gonna say im a high expectation . Seth yeah, im a lock for a tony now. I dont know. Seth have you ever been to the tonys . Never been to the tonys. Seth i think its a wonderful awards show. Youve been to the tonys . Seth i havent. But, i like watching it because they do songs from the show. Oh yeah, cause people get up and do musical acts, stuff like that. Seth its fun, because at the oscars, the oscars, they just show clips. Yeah, but you got the people right there. Seth they get the performance. Yeah, the performers are up there doing it. I have seen that. Its really good. Seth and i want to ask this, cause you famously went to the oscars in 2001, and you brought, you had carrots with you. Oh i had carrots and celery. [ light laughter ] seth yeah, and you were just eating. Well, the thing about it is you go and watch the oscars, the oscars long. Seth its long. You know what i mean, youre up there. Youre in the middle of the thing. We were nominated for erin brockovich. Erin brockovich, the movie. [ cheers and applause ] seth yeah, its excellent. Yeah, so in midway, when i was leaving, i was drinking before i went, so you know, i didnt eat. [ light laughter ] on my way out, i grabbed a handful of carrots and celery and stuck them in the tuxedo, right . Seth loose or in a ziplock bag . Not my tuxedo. It was a rentatuxedo. No they were loose. Seth okay. [ light laughter ] yeah, and really seriously, and sure enough in the middle of the show, i was starving. Seth yeah. I mean i was really hungry. I didnt want to move. So i just whipped them out and started eating them. And theyre not the most silent food you could bring. [ light laughter ] its not like bringing a piece of bread. You know what i mean . Its crunching, like i think steve martin was hosting, and he brought me dip. [ laughter ] that was cool. It was kind of i am very much honored and looking forward to going to the tonys. Its gonna be a lot of fun. Seth you get to eat a hard boiled egg every night in this show, so you dont have to bring anything . No, i wont bring seth your character actually eats food. I could bring a hard boiled egg, you know, frank on sunny always operates with a hardboiled egg. [ cheers and applause ] i always have a hardboiled egg in my pocket. Its a good thing, its a very nutritious thing to have. And you can always whip it out, and crack it anywhere you want. Seth and you get to but now you are eating an egg, but you are acting. You are now a character eating an egg. Yeah. Seth and mark ruffalo, your incredibly talented costar in this play. Absolutely. Seth you have spit youve accidentally spit egg on him the thing about it, its a scene where were having an argument that i take out an egg, and he says, whats this now . Lunch . And i say, you gave me such an argument, i got hungry. So, i eat the egg and i actually eat the egg on stage and depending on how the scene went before, like if i feel like he was good to me [ light laughter ] ill leave him alone a little bit. But if he pissed me off a little bit, i start spitting at him. [ light laughter ] i mean, yolk, white, everythings going on him. A couple nights it was really, really messy. And if youre gonna come to see the show, its only playing until sunday. Probably best thing not to sit in the first couple rows. [ light laughter ] do they give you ponchos, like seaworld to keep the egg off you . Its really interesting to see that, because its all lit like this, you dont see the audience basically. Its a lot of backlight, and its a lot of like so when i spit the egg out, i can actually see all the yellow, the color, and everything is so beautiful as it arcs through the air. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Its funny, yeah, cause you never see eggs welllit. And thats like yeah seth you really dont. Right, its like so seth have you had to adjust like, such a serious actor, i mean like, you know. Seth have you adjusted your diet at all to the fact that youre eating an extra egg a day. I used to have an omelet in the morning, but, now its eight a week, its like really bad. Im worried about the cholesterol. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Everything like that. You gotta be really careful. Seth and people say actors dont take risks. You are out there eating an egg every night. Are you kidding me . I am a man on a limb every night with an egg in my mouth. [ light laughter ] crazy. Seth this is an Arthur Miller play. What does that feel like . Well thats the gift right there. Arthur millers a brilliant, brilliant playwright. Everything, by the way, in the play, i play a 90yearold, yiddish furniture dealer. And i got the accent, and i do the whole thing, i got the voice. And im like, its so much fun to do. But every single thing, when people say to me, like you know, i saw the show and you did the egg. You did this, and you did that. Everything is written. Arthur miller wrote it all. He was like a big fan of like yiddish theater, you know, the borcht belt, and all this kind of stuff. And its just amazing. And im with tony shalhoub, who is like, wonderful actor. You know. [ applause ] mark ruffalo and jessica hecht, and its just like a gift to be on stage with those four people, three people. Im the fourth person. Seth yeah. [ light laughter ] im not very good at math. Seth i now ive heard that you, in order to warm up for this show, and again, this is surprising to me, because you are playing as you mentioned a 90yearold yiddish man. Yeah and tonight im doing it. Seth yeah. Yeah. Serious. Seth well you dont have to selfpromote. You already got the tony nomination. [ light laughter ] seth but you warm up, which does not strike as how a 90yearold would get ready for a show, but you warm up on a trampoline. Yes. Yeah i got a trampoline, a little trampoline, i got it online. Its really cool. It doesnt take up a lot of space. Seth expensive . How much . 27 bucks. Seth okay, great. [ light laughter ] delivered. Seth oh, wow. It just folds up, unfolds. You put it up. And i, what i do is i go early to the show and i start jumping a little bit, you know, a little bit. Then i get some makeup put on, i jump. Put some clothes on and start. [ light laughter ] seth okay, so now thats weird, because now i have to go back to the first two time