Featuring the legendary roots crew. Questlove 561 mwuahahaha. Steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] jimmy wow, wow, wow, wow oh. Thats what im talking about. Thats a great crowd. Beautiful new york city crowd. Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome to the tonight show. This is it. This is the show [ cheers and applause ] to be at. Thank you so much. You guys, its halloween happy halloween [ cheers and applause ] it is halloween, which means you just spent the night handing out candy, or youve been sitting completely still in the dark, pretending that you werent home. One of the two things. [ laughter and applause ] nobody move they can hear us actually, i saw that the nypd was urging stores in new york city not to sell eggs or shaving cream to minors to try to prevent halloween pranks. And if you want to know which stores were enforcing that rule, look for the ones covered in eggs and shaving cream. [ cheers and applause ] you losers and get this, i saw a new study that says that eating over 1500 pieces of candy corn could actually kill you. [ laughter ] which shouldnt be a problem since the Current Record for eating a piece of candy corn is two. [ applause ] tastes like a tastes like a a candle dipped in splenda. Yeah, no thanks. [ light laughter ] ill try one more. Yeah, still no. Lets tot some election news. As you probably heard, the fbi is revisiting its investigation into Hillary Clintons emails because some of them were found on Anthony Weiners laptop. Real mess, not because there are so many emails, just because they cant find anyone willing to touch Anthony Weiners laptop. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] yikes not today. Steve weiner. Jimmy all right. [ laughter ] over on the republican side, it seems like theres still a lot of fighting going on between donald trump and other gop leaders. In fact trump isnt going to help hold any more fundraisers that would help support other republican races. When asked why, trump said, you should know by now that i dont care about other races. [ laughter and applause ] steve hey oh jimmy i read that as of yesterday, over 21 million votes have already been cast in the election. Its amazing to see millions of americans with different points of view all joining together to get this election over with as soon as humanly possible. [ cheers and applause ] get it over with. Think i might have just pulled something on that last joke. Not sure. Not sure if i can go on, actually. Steve you alright . [ audience groans ] jimmy but this is the tonight show. We have to go on. I need i need someone to tag in for me. [ cheers and applause ] jay leno, everybody jay leno. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you, thank you, everybody. Boy, i tell you [ cheers and applause ] hey, guys. Hillary [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Hillary clinton got quite a a scare tonight. I guess a trick or treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector. [ laughter ] and i tell you that donald trump, he is a smart businessman. When kids rang his bell and yelled trick or treat, trump yelled trick, and before the kids could grab any candy, declared bankruptcy. Boom, just like that. [ applause ] well, heres an interesting halloween story you may have seen in the papers today. Researchers say the smell of pumpkins can actually cause sexual arousal in men. Guys, a word of warning, before you act on impulse, blow out the candle first. Okay . Because its going to be its going to be very [ cheers and applause ] i had a great costume this year. Earlier tonight, i put a a douchebag on my head went out as billy bush. Yeah. [ cheers and applause ] as you know, billy bush got fired for the outrageous things he and donald trump said about women. See, i think trump should hire billy. This way, he could grab bush whenever he wanted. [ cheers and applause ] see, the greatest thing about our country, and this is why im optimistic. Out of the more than 325 million americans, we were able to narrow it down to the two bestloved, most qualified people. Thats i mean, thats unbelievable. [ applause ] that is a testament to us. You know, i watch both political conventions this summer, and heres something i dont understand. Like at the republican convention, Rudy Giuliani spoke. Hes got three wives. Newt gingrich spoke. Hes got three wives. Then donald trump spoke. Hes got three wives. The only one with one wife is mitt romney and hes a mormon. It didnt make any sense. [ cheers and applause ] it didnt make any sense. And did you see bill clinton at the Democratic Convention where he introduced his new campaign slogan, im with her and her and her [ laughter and applause ] and these two dolls. And as you know, the state of new york is suing Trump University for 40 million, claiming it was not a real college because the students did not get a good education and could not find jobs after they graduated. I know, it sounds like a real college to me. Im not quite sure what the problem is. [ cheers and applause ] and speaking speaking of education, Hillary Clinton was campaigning last week and stopped at a school where children as young as 5 were learning to work with computers. I thought this was nice. The former first lady actually took the time to show the young people how to use that all important delete files button. [ cheers and applause ] and president obama was at a a big fundraising dinner in Beverly Hills last week where people paid 100,000 a plate to hear the president talk about income inequality. That was really [ applause ] and as you know, these hillary email scandals brought Anthony Weiner back into the news. You know this whole sexting scandal thing. Heres a question nobody is asking. Anthony weiner is jewish, right . Right . So, this this scandal make him a Hebrew National weiner . [ laughter and applause ] see what im saying . I mean, these are things [ cheers and applause ] but its all about the economy. Heres how bad the economy is. Two milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join isis. Did you hear their excuse . They said, hey, nobody else is hiring. Thats how bad the economy is. The economy is so bad, fords come out with its annual list of the 400 richest americans and 200 of them have moved back in with their parents. Thats how bad the economy is. [ applause ] jimmy, the economy is so bad, in Beverly Hills, i saw a woman tanning using the sun. That never happens. The economy is so bad that the today show, kathie lee and hoda were splitting a 40. Ive never seen that. Ive never seen that before. The economy is so bad in l. A. , women are marrying guys for love. Thats how bad its gotten. [ applause ] thats how bad its gotten. Jimmy i got one, i got one, i got one, i got one. [ cheers and applause ] the economy the economy is bad. How bad is it . Jimmy the economy is so bad yes. Jimmy Anthony Weiner is faxing people photos of his junk. Hes using a fax machine. Jimmy the economy is so bad, pat sajak had to take out a home loan to buy a vowel. To buy a vowel. [ applause ] the economys bad. Its so bad. Jimmy the economys so bad, the obamas just listed the lincoln bedroom on air bnb. Thats bad [ applause ] jimmy the economy is so bad, instead of paying for heat, people are huddling around exploding samsung phones just for the warmth. Yes jimmy thats how bad jay leno, everyone jimmy fallon everybody [ cheers and applause ] jimmy thank you. We have a great show tonight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ] jimmy all right. Thank you. How fun was that . The great jay leno. Steve jay leno, come on. Jimmy how great was that . [ cheers and applause ] oh, he was great. [ cheers and applause ] guys, it is monday. We are very, very happy to be back. We have a big week of shows coming up. Tomorrow night, our pal Whoopi Goldberg will be here. [ cheers and applause ] plus a performance from lecrae. Then later this week, vince vaughn, benedict cumberbatch, dana carvey, and alicia keys will all be joining us. Its going to be a great week. [ cheers and applause ] but first, tonight, this is a a great show tonight. This guy is obviously the best, his popular show, jay lenos garage, returns next wednesday at 10 00 p. M. On cnbc, the one and only jay leno is here tonight. Steve yeah [ cheers and applause ] jimmy its fun. Its fun having him here, yeah. Plus shes starring in two new movies, the birth of a nation and almost christmas, Gabrielle Union is dropping by. [ cheers and applause ] we love her as well. And we have great new music from big sean is here. [ cheers and applause ] love big sean. Happy halloween, dude. Steve happy halloween, brother. Jimmy do you like halloween . No, your kids are done. Steve yes, elliot did. Jimmy oh yeah . What was he . Steve he dressed like a a gorilla with a suit. Jimmy like a gorilla businessman . Steve yeah, a gorilla businessman. Jimmy winnie and frances, theyre 3 and 2, and winnie they both wanted to be butterfly. [ audience aws ] butterfly. Im a butterfly. Im a butterfly. And then winnies making this thing, she makes a new face now. She goes [ light laughter ] and i go, whats that face mean . She starts laughing. Its because shes not sure. She says, i dont want to be butterfly. And my wife had been making this butterfly costume for months, so youre going to be a a butterfly. Yeah, i dont care. No i dont want to be butterfly. I go, what do you want to be . She goes, i want to be dragonfly. [ laughter ] she wants to be a dragonfly. So we put a tail on the back of the butterfly. Steve exactly. Jimmy get out there. Steve dragonfly. Perfect. Jimmy hey guys, lets just admit it. [ laughter ] we live in a steve wow. Just came off the top of your head. Just your thoughts. You were thinking this. Jimmy guys, lets just admit it. We live in a branddriven society, name recognition is everything. Steve really . Jimmy the problem is, what makes a good name for one thing might make a bad name for Something Else or make a great name for Something Else. With that in mind, its time for a segment we call good name, bad name, great name. [ cheers and applause ] good name bad name great name [ cheers and applause ] steve good name, bad name, great name. Jimmy exactly. First thing heres an example. Steve alright. Jimmy inferno. Steve okay. Jimmy okay . In theaters now, thats a good name for a tom hanks movie. Steve yeah. Jimmy its a bad name for a a jock itch medication. [ laughter ] and its a great name for a a samsung phone. Steve oh, i see. Jimmy do you understand where im going . [ cheers and applause ] steve almost. I almost got it. Jimmy let me give you another example. Steve okay, good. Jimmy next up, we have five guys. Steve okay. Jimmy thats a good name for a burger place. Steve yeah. Jimmy bad name for a a gynecologist office. [ laughter ] great name for Donald Trumps africanamerican supporters. [ laughter ] do you see what im saying . Steve almost. Jimmy good name. Steve good name jimmy bad name. Steve bad name. Both great name. Steve give me one more. Jimmy ill give you another example. Here is funny or die. That is a good name for a a website. Its a bad name for a comedy club. Its a great name for a comedy club in north korea. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] steve bombing means something totally different. Jimmy totally different in north korea. After that, we have biggie smalls. Thats a good name for a a rapper. Its a bad name for a bra company. [ laughter ] great name for a sitcom starring shaq and kevin hart. Do you see what im saying . [ cheers and applause ] id watch that. I would watch that. Steve i almost get it. Jimmy next, we have huffy. Steve huffy. Jimmy that is a good name for a bike company. Steve bike company. Jimmy bad name for a paint store. [ laughter ] great name for me on the treadmill. Steve there you go. [ cheers and applause ] im going 2 miles an hour. Jimmy finally, we have what now . Well, thats a good name for a a kevin hart standup special. Its a bad name for a parenting book. [ laughter ] great name for the day after the election. There you go. Thats all we have for good name, bad name, great name. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with jay leno, everybody come on back. You got your mom side. A just be calm side. You got a, i never thought id get married at 65 side. Hey im just looking side. Man, you better buy that ride, whooo thats why theres nationwide. They help to know, protect and grow your many sides. Yeeeahhh nationwide is on your side. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause pepsi zero sugar. Aders ausations that theteam i 49ers president ,l gdo saysthe cg and on ttter an historic vicryn to hundreds of wkers inhe bay area afterh were cheated out of g and overtime. End [ cheers and applause ] jimmy we are joined right now by one of the greatest standup comedians of all time, also one of the greatest tonight show hosts of all time. Season two of his cnbc series,jay lenos garage returns next wednesday, november 9, at 10 00 p. M. Please welcome back to the show, jay leno [ cheers and applause ] jay leno. Good to see you. Jimmy good to see you, thank you for doing this. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate you doing that bit. How was your halloween . Are you having a happy halloween . You know, with the candy, and the costumes, i just worry a lot of kids are missing out on satan, you know . Its so commercial. Jimmy its so commercialized now. That satan has been left out of it. [ light laughter ] jimmy theyre forgetting the whole point. Its all candy and costumes and all. You know, we need to bring it down a notch and get back to the animal sacrifices and, you know, some of the other. Jimmy thats real thoughtful of you. Yeah, you know what im saying . Jimmy yeah, yeah. We just have to keep it in perspective. Jimmy yeah, yeah, yeah. We were talking backstage. I want you to tell this story if you dont mind, because i was telling you about we were talking about cars. People must bring up cars all the time to you. Yeah. I said i could have bought a a car in high school, but i bought a laser disk player because i thought that was going to be the future. [ laughter ] i know. Were so different. I know, but then you said how you bought one of the first vhs, video tape things for your mom. No all it was, was my parents came out to visit when i moved down here in the 80s my parents came out to visit me, so i had just gotten a vhs recorder. And my mothers from scotland you know but she doesnt like material things. Oh, jay, you can record the program. Isnt that something you can record the shows whenever you want. Oh, thats quite a machine. [ light laughter ] i said, mom, ill get you one. No, no, its 1,200. No youre not buying one. Its 1,200. Im not having you spend 1,200. I wont take it, jamie. I wont take it. I wont take it. I said, all right, dont worry about it mom. So then i tell a white lie, okay . Couple weeks go by because i know she wants it and i call my mom and i say, a friend of mines got an Electronics Store hes going out of business. Hes selling all his machines for 50 bucks apiece. You know. She goes, 50, is that true . 50 . I says, yes. Oh, all right, if you want to spend 50 on your mother, thatd be fine. You can, i dont want you spending i said, ma, its only 50. Give me a break. I buy the machine, i ship it home, great i figure ive done a good deed. Okay, two weeks later, get a a letter from my mom with a a check for 200. I need four more for the neighbors. [ laughter ] no good deed. And this is not and this is not the end of the story. Anything technical is, you know, so i send the vcr and of course they dont know how to program it. I said ma ill be home in a a week. Im working in new england. I fly home, okay i get a list of all her shows, murder she wrote, barnaby jones, maddox, quincy, you know all the shows there. Oh, jamie, its a wonderful thing, i can watch my programs whenever i want. A wonderful thing. Okay ma. Enjoy. I go back to california, i wait a couple days. Mom, how you liking the vcr . Its not working jamie, i dont know whats wrong. Its not recording. Its not recording . No its not working. I said, all right, well look, im home again in about tendays. And i go back okay. Let me give you the list. Murder she wrote, cannon,barnaby jones. You know. I put them all in,you know. There you go. Youre all set now. She says oh thank you jamie, what a wonderful thing youve done me. Okay, fine, i go back to california. How you like it . Its not working again. I said, what are you doing . Im not doing anything, jamie. I cant figure out. I said, well maybe we got a bad one. Look im not home for a month. Just leave it. And im thinking, what can i do . So im back home, i get all the thing and put all the shows in i said, mom, are you touching it . Are you doing anything . Im not doing anything jamie. I mean, i unplug it at night to save electricity. [ laughter ] so theres the problem. You know. Jimmy that sounds like my mom. That little red light doesnt use that much electricity, mom. Its not its not a thousand watt bulb. Its a penny every hundred years to run that little thing yeah. Yeah. Jimmy when you come to new york, do you like coming here . Youre not a new yorker. I was born in new york. But you come back and you forget the new york attitude. Im at the deli, right around the corner here and theres a a line of people and i buy something for 7 bucks and i give the guy a 10 and he gives me two ones and a five and i go, oh, you made a mistake. I didnt make a mistake. I said, no, you made a mistake in my favor. You gave me too much money. Im telling you, i didnt make a mistake. [ light laughter ] i said no you gave me two ones and a five instead of two ones and a he goes, i know, but i didnt put the fives in with the ones. Im not the one who did that. And then the guy behind me goes, hey, jerk, just take the money, idiot. [ light laughter ] okay. So now im like, no. Guy goes im telling you, i didnt make the mistake. Alright fine, fine. Its like a nightmare. Like a nightmare. And then i have another thing where im buying some stuff at the little market, you know, and here you go. And i give them the money and i go, thank you. The guy says i said, thank you, and he turns his back. I said, well, dont say thanks. The guy goes, uh its on your receipt. Oh, yeah, here it is. [ light laughter ] how foolish of me. How rude of me not to realize it was printed here. How stupid am i. Jimmy yeah. Well, i said well youre welcome. I should have realized. I should have read my receipt where the little thank you is printed up. Yeah. Yeah. Jimmy oh, my gosh. I want to say so much more i want to talk to you about. We have to take a break, but more with jay leno after the break. [ cheers and applause ] hey, is this our t