It sure is. We fall in there, we go right to china. Id be a communist. Youd be making sneakers somewhere. Hold on here a second. Woman 911. Whats your emergency . Uh. Well, wed like to report a a missing highway. [ tv chatter ] oh, hey. They get to the report on the sinkhole yet . No. [ sighs ] still on the middle east. Another part of the world where were kicking ass and taking names. [ chuckles ] its funny one thing we know about these terrorists, they sure love the monkey bars. Right here, right here, right here. Right there. Theres the sinkhole. Look at this thing. Oh, my god, its huge. [ chuckling ] yeah. Honey, why didnt you tell me how big it was . I didnt see it. My eyes were closed. I was screaming when i got up to it. That cover collapse is pretty large for this area. I hope theyve taken a montmorillonite sample from the epikarst. Right. We get it youre a geologist. And yet theres a 50 50 chance shes making those terms up. Oh, ha ha ha. We wouldnt know. Well, im glad you guys didnt go flying off the edge like the end of thelma and louise, dad. Phew i actually cried at the end of that. What a shame what they did to that tbird. I cant believe youre not more shaken up about this. I mean, look. You could have died. I know. I know. Im kind of used to cheating the old grim reaper. Remember that time i slipped rock climbing in chile, capsized that boat in those class4 rapids in oregon, and rooting for the broncos at a bar in oakland. Mm. Well. Ill tell you, if it happened to me, id be halfway through a bottle of wine right now. So, this happens to you every night about 8 00 . Oh, you know what . Hey, you want another chance to cheat the reaper . Hmm . Why dont come at me after 8 00 . Okay. Youre a little wobbly. [ chuckles ] i cannot believe the traffic getting home from school today. Is president obama in town again. No. That would be another kind of disaster. There was a sinkhole on route 93. Its all over the news. The news . Yeah, sorry if its not trending on twitter, it doesnt exist. Oh, my god sinkhole in denver. [ chuckles ] somebody made a funny vine of, like, a truck flying in and out of it. Its right there. You can actually see it. Boyd . Buddy . Mike, wheres boyd . Oh, my god, is he mike guys, hes fine. Boyd, my baby thank god youre okay. Oh. Oh, mommy and daddy love you very much, buddy. So much oh, this reminds me of that time i almost got crushed by an anaconda. Grandpa saved me. Oh, yeah . Go get your stuff, all right, buddy . Yeah. Mike. Yeah. You saved my sons life today. Oh. Ohh but why are you punishing me . Why do why this . Why this . Okay. Just accept it, okay . Hes grateful. We both are. Oh, and, uh, vanessa, we have to thank you for today, too. Oh, well, thats nice, but i wasnt even there. Oh, no, the reason that boyd was in any danger at all was because of people like you. Grandmothers . Ryan, what did we talk about on the ride over here, huh . Uh, the fact that paxon energy, your company, has been drilling all over that area, and there is mounting evidence that fracking leads to sinkholes. [ sighs ] but mostly, we talked about you not bringing that up. Her Company Almost killed our son what . oh, come on whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Way out of line there, blaming paxon oil for this or vanessa. Yeah, thank you. They never listen to her down there. You know, i actually do a little better there than i do here. Look, ryan, covercollapse depressions are naturally occurring events. They have existed forever. Shes right, and before you crying liberals got involved in it, that was just natures. Free swimming pools. Okay, but sinkholes have increased exponentially, and now theyre opening up everywhere. No, no, youre confusing sinkholes with weed stores. Maybe we should talk about this later. Maybe. Or maybe boyd should hear the truth about the world that he is going to inherit. Why dont we hear your version of the truth, ryan . What what do they call it in russia pravda . Look, look, ryan, there is no evidence linking sinkholes to fracking. Sure, of course theres not because you work for big energy, and theyre in the business of picking and choosing their science to protect their profits. Where do you get your science . Dr. Bill maher . Where do you get your science . Dr. Bill oreilly . Lets not turn this into a billmeasuring contest. Why dont we . cause my bill is a lot bigger than your bill. Okay, honey why even argue, okay . You cant settle anything. Everyone has their own set of facts and a cable channel to back up the opinion that he already has. Okay . No wonder nobody knows whos right and whos wrong. I know whos wrong hes wrong. Okay, well, what about the other consequences of pumping chemicals into the earth . You mean like lighting and heating our homes . Uh, no, like earthquakes. Ryan. Methane released into the atmosphere bird farts . Fire coming out of the faucets like dragons breath. Fire out of the faucets . Oh, no, honey. No, its fine. Dont listen to him. We should all be scared, mike. Our world is a ticking time bomb. Youre a ticking time bomb. Its time to go home. Lets go, sweetie. I dont want to go out there. What if theres another sinkhole . Oh, no. Buddy, it is silly to be scared of going outside, okay . Yeah, of course. Another sinkhole could just as easily open up right here in this room. Ohh. What . Unbelievable. You just terrified our son. Hey, i got an idea why dont you go upstairs and tell him about the monsters under his bed, cause hes got to know the truth, right, comrade . Mom,on my Car Insurance of money by switching to geico. I should take a closer look at geico. You know, geico can help you save money on your Homeowners Insurance too . Great geico can help insure our mountain chalet how long have we been sawing this log . Um, one hundred and fourteen years. Man i thought my arm would be a lot more jacked by now. Im not even sure this is real wood. Theres no butter in this churn. Do my tris look okay . Take a closer look at geico. Great savings. And a whole lot more. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. Thank you, sinkhole. [ smooches ] yes, theres nothing like a Natural Disaster to bring out the preppies, huh . Preppers. Preppies wear cardigans around their neck. Preppers wear the goat they just shot for meat around their neck. Either way, were moving a lot of flashlights and survival food. Im surprised youre not selling them guns. What goods a flashlight when the hordes are banging down your door to get your freezedried. Kiwi compote . Youve got a wellstocked shelter in your basement, dont you, mike . Oh, dont even think about it, man. Youre a good friend of mine, but when the end comes, youre just 160 pounds of protein to me. Well, were, uh, both on the same page then. [ clears throat ] listen, people are just overreacting to this stuff. Its a sinkhole. Its not the end of time. Nope. My pastor told us thats gonna happen on march 13th. March 13th . That means we avoid paying taxes in april get your congregation over here. Ill get them through the apocalypse. And with this water purifier, they can drink their own pee, hmm . Or river water or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point. This is just fearmongering, and i dont appreciate it, you know . Boyds dad was over last night, got the kid all whipped up over some environmental stuff. The kid wouldnt leave my house. Slept at the foot of my bed. No, you cant indulge your child in those fears. Its no big deal. It actually worked out. He was warm down there, and my wifes feet are like the polar ice caps. Which Scientists Say are melting. [ chuckles ] i accidentally clicked a link on global warming. I thought it said gerbil warming. Whats the scientists position on gerbil warming . [ sighs ] those websites are disturbing. Theres got to be better ways to warm a gerbil. In my day, kids were not allowed to be afraid. I remember once i told my dad i was scared of lightning. Right. Yeah, next time there was a storm, he made me stand in the backyard. Wrapped in tin foil. The rest of the storys a little fuzzy, but. I think we found another way to warm up a gerbil. [ tv chatter ] didnt you already watch this episode . Its the news. Its different every night. Sad places, sad people looks like a rerun to me. Well, stick around. Youll learn something about the world. I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining moms body. [ chuckles ] um. Whos the secretary of state . Oh, thats a trick question. Which state . [ smacks lips ] see, you guys all watch the news, you get all angry and stressedout. Pop quiz of everybody in this family, whos the happiest and the least stressed . And you cant say the dog. Mmhmm. Its me. This face will never see a worry wrinkle, which would make me smile, but im not going to because, duh, smile lines. So, your plan is to be clueless . Ignorance is bliss thomas gray in his ode on a distant prospect of eton college. You get those quoteoftheday emails, dont you . If you know the right things, you dont have to know everything. Oh, for instance, that whole, like, secretary thingy, they actually dont call them secretaries anymore. They really prefer flight attendant. Just saying. Hey, buddy. No boyd where wheres boyd . Something short and halfnaked just ran downstairs. Mandys here, so. I guess it was boyd. [ sighs ] i told him id run him a bath, but then he got scared that dragon fire would come out of the faucet. Im sorry. Is that actually a thing . cause i would frown, but thats even worse than smile lines, so. Boyd hey, come on let me in this isnt safe. Boyd grandpa said the bomb shelters the safest place in the house honey, please. Please let me in. Grandpa also said people would beg to be let in. Kids got a point. Joe biden wishes his bunker was as nice as ours. Thats the Vice President , mandy. Mm. Okay. I know who joe biden is, okay . Hes Barack Obamas gayle. Mom [scoffs] all of my sewing stuff is in there. How am i supposed to make my clothes . Hey dont touch any of my stuff lets not panic, okay . Yeah, somehow, well all have to pull together and survive the great romper famine of 2014. Look, hell get hungry and cold. Sooner or later, hell open the door. Mm, i dont know. Theres enough fabric and freezedried food in there to keep him warm and fed through middle school. Great hes gonna go through puberty, and i have mannequins in there. What . Whoa, dont you look good . Ah, yeah, thank you. [ chuckles ] hi, honey. I was actually talking to the cookies. Theyre for boyd. Ooh. Why is boyd still here . Well, he spent the day locked in the bomb shelter. Somebody told him its the safest place in the house. Well, why didnt you just go get him . Well, im working on it. I was hoping to draw him out with the smell of freshly baked cookies. Thats how they lured Saddam Hussein out of that spider hole. Ill go get him. Well, i dont think theres any hurry. The scratching on the door stopped 20 minutes ago. Hey, youre wasting your time. I have been asking him to open that door all day. Boyd, open the door. Yeah, he probably smelled cookie on your breath. Come on out of there. Dont make me drag you up the stairs. Why . Does your back hurt again . Yeah. Its 6 00 everything hurts. So, get out of there. Come on. What do got on . There was a bunch of them. It was cold. Does it look stupid . I think you were pretty smart to stay in there. Your mom and dad miss you. They want you to come home. But i dont want to go home. Its safe here. Its safe here. Why do you keep saying look, i got to be honest with you, kid. The worlds a scary place, you know . Id like to tell you a story about me mountainclimbing. But its probably too scary. I dont think i should tell him. I dont know. Its pretty unbelievable. Yeah, i dont think i should tell him. Gets more unbelievable every time you tell it. Im not gonna tell him. Im not gonna tell him. I want to hear it. Pleeease . No, i cant. I cant. All right, ill tell you. Listen, i was climbing one time in the adirondacks, and they had this rock face, and i was climbing. Well, the guy didnt have me, and i started falling. Whoa. Whoa . Its more like. [ screams ] and then i got slammed down on this ledge, saved my life. Wow you were really lucky. Yeah, a lot luckier than the bald eagle i landed on. Bald eagle . What happened to the sparrow . The bald eagle had eaten the sparrow. Oh. Point is, i wasnt just lucky. God is looking out for us. Mmhmm. Yeah, just like at the sinkhole. Remember . Is that true, grandma . Of course its true. Im a scientist. Thats a fact. Okay . Now, lets go on and take you home. Okay, grandpa. You can take me home. [ chuckles ] should i change . I think you need something to pull the outfit together. Otherwise, you go in a different direction. Okay, come on. Lets go. Lets get in something right. Now go upstairs and change into some real clothes, all right . So, first it was a sparrow, then it was an eagle. What are you gonna land on next . An ostrich . I was thinking id slip off an ice cliff right onto a harp seal. Okay. Hey. Oh, hi. Has, uh, boyd calmed down. [ chuckles sarcastically ] uh, well, he did spend the day hiding in the basement. Okay. Did he come out . Well, you keep taking that kid to the ballet, its just a matter of time. Hes upstairs getting changed. Thank you very much. What did you say to get him out of there . Well, facts didnt work, so we tried a little faith. More of your bogus god is watching over us fairy tale . You mean the basis of western civilization . That fairy tale . The rest of the familys gonna miss you up in heaven, ryan. Uh, your dads gonna take you home, okay . Hey, buddy, im gonna take you home, all right . I thought grandpa was gonna take me. Uh no, youre just gonna come with me. Yeah. Then im staying here, with grandpa where its safe. Buddy, you are safe with me. Youre safe with him. Youll be all right. Is god watching over you, too . Well, i dont believe in an anthropomorphic deity, per se. I recognize a more universal, spiritual connectivity. Then im staying here with grandpa and god boyd hey hey all right. What was i supposed to do lie to the kid . No, i think you handled that perfectly. See . Lying is easy. Mike hey. Mike baxter here for outdoor man. President Richard Nixon once said, people react to fear, not love. Easy for him to say because he was kind of scary and nobody loved him. But nixons right to get people to do what you want, scare the heck out of them. For example, have a bunch of scientists convince everyone the worlds climate is changing. Now, we used to call that the seasons. Thank you, al gore, not for your Inconvenient Truth but for your convenient fib that you created the internet . Wow. The greatest device in history for spreading fear, halftruths, and videos of cats attacking toddlers. [ baby cries, cat hisses ] years ago, if a guy put on a robe and stood on a Street Corner with a sign saying, the end is near, it was easy to just say he was bananas. Well, now that same dude can hide behind a slick website in his moms basement. And as far as we know, hes walter cronkite. I have an idea lets stop believing the fearmongers. Maybe nixon was wrong. Maybe people can be motivated by love. And i bet you will love saving 20 off a sonar fish finder. I dont want to spread any fear here. But if youre a trout, this thing does mean the end is near. Hey, mr. B. You know, the more i hear you talk about Richard Nixon, the more i think history has given him a raw deal. He opened china. [ knock on door ] mike, we made a fortune this weekend from those preppers. Yep. We should pray for another sink ah sink, sink, sink. Ah, sink in the bathroom so we can wash our hands. You should be careful. Sometimes fire comes out of those. Thanks, kid. Mike, can i talk to you for a second . Hey, grandpa, whats black and white and red all over . Uh, uh, just a whole bunch of things. None of them are funny, okay . What . Whats up . Whats the bigheaded kid doing here . He feels safe with me. Evidently, im. Buddies with god. Mmhmm. Well, i told you how to handle boyd, right . You got to send the kid out in the storm wrapped in tin foil. Yeah, i was gonna do that. And then i realized im not crazy. Look, i almost had him convinced to go home, and then his dad blew it. Hmm. So i get to hear the same joke 80 times in a day. You got to send the kid packing. Hes got to know youre tough. He knows im tough. Its his parents that have got to learn to stand up to this. You know, you should show boyd a newspaper sometime. [ chuckles ] the kid thinks theyre red all over. Vanessa got called into work. Oh. I got a riddle whats 44 and making me dinner . Me . Thats right. Head on into the pantry and grab any kind of can as long as it doesnt have a dogs picture on it. The runts still following you around everywhere, pa . You know, i used to think itd be fun having a pet monkey. Now i think different. Oh, thank god youre here. You got to take boyd off my hands. Mike, he does not want to come with me, so why dont we just put him in your car and you can follow me to the apartment . Because he wont leave me alone and i dont want to move in with you. You think i like him spending this much time with you . You just got to make the kid feel safe somehow. Good luck with that, sally. Shes showing you no respect right now. Boyd doesnt respect you, either. Boyd does respect me. Not as someone who can protect him. You got to be bigger than his fears, okay . Mm, thats a tall order for you, mary. I get it youre calling me different girl names. Youre catching on, peaches. Mike, false machismo is not gonna make him feel any safer. Well, real machismo would be better, but we get what we get. You scared boyd with something that he cant control, and you told him that no one up theres looking out for him. That left you, which actually left me, and i am tired i dont know how to do what youre asking me to do. Im asking you to be a parent. I am being a parent. Okay. Where is he, huh . Kitchen. Boyd, enough of this already. Youve got school tomorrow. Boyd mommy, i dont want to go home thats too bad, okay . I am the mom. No more discussion. Grandpa, help me i cant i cant help you. My back hurts. Its 6 30 now. Oh, im guessing that should have been me . Yeah, except i dont think she could carry you. That guys a joke. Speaking of jokes what is 54 and making my dinner . The guy at dominos. Um, i cant have happen what happened t time. Ahem. Heres my card. Im sure you know your profits are down 8 . 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