Show with Stephen Colbert captioning sponsored by cbs cheers and applause stephen hey you look good very nice. Hey, everybody whats up, lee . Whats going on hey, man. Whats up . Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the the show. Welcome to the late show, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much. Thats a wonderful welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Ive got to start with a giant sports story out there. Theres a thing called the euro cup soccer tournament. Its a huge sommer tawrmt. Its happening right now in france. And yesterday, iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat powerhouse england 21. cheers and applause this is the worst thing to happen to england in four days. cheers and applause now. cheers and applause now the icelandic soccer commentator has become something of a global phenomenon because of just how excited he has gotten calling icelands victorious games. And last night he did not disappoint when the game ending. screaming now, i want to assure my worried viewers that the announcers hand is not caught in a garbage disposal. Nor is he nor noris he dying in a particularly gruesome scene from game of thrones. Hes just excited. Hes actually doing commentary right there. We cant hear it. Hes doing commentary. Here is the actual translation of what he is saying. And i promise upon i am not making this up. This is done this is done we are never going home did you see that . Did you see that . Amazing i cant believe it this is a dream. Never wake me from this amazing dream live the way you want, england. Iceland is going to play france on sunday. France, iceland you can go home you can go out of europe you can go wherever the hell you want cheers and applause then the victorious Icelandic Team celebrated with their trademark slow hand clap, joined, apparently, by the entire population of iceland. laughter and thats not too much of an exaggeration, because 10 of all of icelands population is in frant right now for the tournament. Iceland is so deserted right now, it looks like iceland. And after the shocking upset, the coach of the english Team Immediately resigned. Just like british Prime MinisterDavid Cameron did after the brexit vote. So, apparently, in england, keep calm and carry on has become, bleep this im outta here cheers and applause oh, speaking of international incidents. The red cross is in big trouble right now for a safety poster that a lot of people are calling racist. Here is the poster. It is put up for safety around pools. Ses it labeled cool and not cool. Unfortunately, everyone labeled cool is white. And the not cool kids, who are breaking the rules, are almost exclusively minorities. This thing is a huge mess. Im not surprised. Every time you hear about the red cross, its always some disaster. cheers and applause its a nice, clean, disaster joke. Now, heres an example this little white girl who is responsibly using the handrails on the diving board. Shes cool. But the not cool kid diving too close to another swimmer looks african american. Meanwhile, this other nonwhite kid, labeled not cool, is clearly crowning. Yeah. Not cool, tyler. You died on the first day of summer, and now all the other kids have to spend saturdays at grief counseling. Come on reign it in, ya dingus. But the most baffling thing on this poster isnt even racist. One of the kids labeled not cool is wearing sunglasses and clearly drinking a beer right in front of everyone. Im sorry, red cross, but that is clearly the coolest kid at the pool. cheers and applause whats that . Whats that . The only thing that could make him cooler is a Speech Bubble saying anybody want to go see a dead body i found . Beer over there. Are there any tourists here this evening by any chance. Some refugees from england are here this evening. Youre going to want to keep your eyes peeled. Buddhist leaders are now warning new york city tourists to be wary of fake monks. Yes, those Buddhist Monks you see in times square could be fake. And that screaming guy on the ing subway might not be the actl jesus. Apparently, these guys dress in orange robes and hand out shiny medallions and offer greetings of peace, then hit you up for donations to a nonexistent temple and become aggressive and hostile if you dont give them money. Yeah, better cough it up or they will teach you the sound of onehand slapping these faux monks are hard to spot, so to help me tell the difference, tonight please welcome a real Buddhist Monk i found outside my theater. Outside my theater. Come on out here, donny im a buddhist. Im a real buddhist. Stephen thank you, thank you, donnie. You say you are a buddhist . Yes, i am a buddhist. Stephen can you prove youre a buddhist . Absolutely, the carpet matches the drapes, you all. Stephen have you had much trouble with the fake monking out there . So much trouble. I cant count the number of times i run into an obnoxious poser pretending to be a Buddhist Monk. I had to hit him. Stephen i thought you guys were nonviolent. Yeah, but buddhas not a doormat. Is it not written in the buddhist bible, we get knocked down, but we get up again. No ones ever gonna keep us down. Stephen thats chubawumba. And a chubawumba to you, my brother. applause stephen donnie, the Buddhist Monk, you all. Make America Great again stephen now say hello to the real deal, jon batiste and stay human, everybody applause cheers and applause im very excited because tonig tonight, first of all, im very excited that jon batiste looks like Humphrey Bogart tonight. Youre looking good. Heres looking at you, kid. Fantastic. Youre ready for a Tropical Vacation over there. Jon oh, yes, indeed. Weve got a couple more days. Stephen we do, we do. We have to stay focused. Jon were in it right now. Were focusing in, were focusing in on the target. Stephen the target being doing the show the next hour . Jon doing the show and playing jazz for me on this side. Stephen for me im just going to do the show. Comedy. Jon jazz. Stephen tinkle, tinkle. One of the reasons im very excited weve got coming up, our old friend tom brokaw will be out here. applause tom and i vehicle friends for years. Its an honor to know him. Its amazing i got to know this guy. Hes on another network they cannot name that has got the olympics and i am looking forward to talking to him about those games because i am pumped for the real games. They are less than two months away or never. Because just yesterday, rios acting governor warned the olympics could be a big failure, which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked like a massive catastrophe. The olympics are in real trouble. Many of the venues are still unfinished, possibly because more than 10 billion in Construction Contracts went to just five firms, all of which are currently under investigation for price fixing and kickbacks. That has already led to top executives being jailed or charged. Though on the plus side, for those executives, the prisons wont be completed until 2036. applause plus, brazil has one of the highest Violent Crime rates in the world, which led rivaldo, a former member of brazils olympic soccer team, to warn tourists to stay in their country of origin because here you will be running the risk of your life, leading to brazils newest tourist slogan, brazil come for the sport, stay because youre dead. laughter but experts dont expect an increase in arrests during the olympics, in part because Police Patrols may grind to a halt because they cant afford to buy fuel. Though, with any luck, the problem will solve itself when the cars are stolen. These budget shortfalls led First Responders to stage protests all over rio yesterday, including one at the airport where police held a sign that read, welcome to hell. Yes, hell. Explains why theyre changing the olympic logo from three People Holding hands to two guys mugging the other guy. cheers and applause but corruption and crime arent the only things plaguing the olympics. Theres also actual plague because fear over the zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. knocking whats going on in there . Dont open the door. Im training for the olympics cheers and applause youre training all the time. Of course, athletes could always hide from mosquitoes underwater. But i wouldnt recommend guanabara bay, where the boating events will be held, because this is an actual photo of the race site. Notice, okay, that doesnt look good. But on the bright side, if brazil doesnt finish the athletes dorms in time, i think that couch is a foldout and it gets worse because researchers just found drugresistant super bacteria in the bay leading one brazilian professor to say, these bacteria should not be present in these waters. They should not be present in the sea. Now, i would say no bleep . But i think in this case, quite the opposite is true. cheers and applause but its not i like that. I like that. I want to point out that you have applauded two things shoddy construction and human waste. laughter youre my kind of people. Youre my kind of people. applause but its not just humans whose lives are at risk in rio because recently, a jaguar at an olympic torch ceremony was shot after escaping from its handlers. I believe that particular species of jaguar was the spotted south american metaphor. But dont worry. The Olympic Committee has released the following statement, we made a mistake in permitting the olympic torch, a symbol of peace and unity, to be exhibited alongside a chained wild animal. We guarantee that there will be no more such incidents at rio 2016. Yes, there will no longer be lit torches alongside chained animals. From here on out, theyll just set fire to the jaguar directl laughter applause now, boy, i would hate to work for a network that paid billions of dollars to broadcast that cluster munch. Well be right back with tom brokaw. applause ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh what are we ahhhing about . My money, its gone thats just bad security you know. I know, the new pcs are so secure, you can use your face as your password. And yet here you are, in a truck full of money with no money. You know about it. Now do something about it. Upgrade to a new pc. Youve secured the entire block but not your pc . Hey troy hello so, thanks for testing our new car service today. 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But also here, with a rewards credit card, to help life go right. State farm. Thats why bud light has aes new look. And we want to share it with everyone. Jackpot still the same refreshing bud light. With a new look. applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Thanks so much thanks, everybody. My first guest tonight shared tea with the dalai lama, lunch with Ronald Reagan and vodka shots with mikhail gorbachev. He is one of the most trusted men in america. And one of my favorite people in the world. Please welcome tom brokaw applause right up there. Nice digs. Stephen isnt it nice digs . Any rooms for rent . Sublet a couple of things. Stephen absolutely. Looking for a new home . Im on the run. Im kind of an itinerant newscaster, wherever i can park myself. Stephen i know this morning you got back from brazil. 6 30 this morning. Stephen thank you for being here. All right. Stephen sure, yeah, yeah. I was with gaucho last night and again tonight. Stephen this is you on horseback and i think with a soundtrack. I have to tell people the horse is not stuffed. It looks like its not alive. But, in fact, its a real horse. Stephen and thats not a mannequin. Thats actually you on top of the on horse. Yes, it is. Stephen what were you doing on horseback . Were doing preps for the beginning of the olympics, and any time we do the olympics i do essays about where we are and whats interesting about the country. Brazil is one the of the fascinating countries in the world. I began in the amazon, back in the jungle. The amazon has onefifth of species they dont know about. I went down to the estonsia. People dont realize brazil is an agricultural country. The cowboys have a knife and a horse, and they live on the land for two or three days at a time rounding up the cattle. So it was fascinate displg you always do cool things can the coolest people on the world. Its so hard to impress you. We have known each other for a few years. And i know youre a big fly fisherman. Youre in the fli Fisherman Hall of fame. I think i am. Stephen thats what we heard. Thats true. Stephen one of the times i saw you a few years ago we were at a benefit and i really wanted to impress tom brokaw and i said i have something. And he said have you done fishing . And i said i took my two boys to new zealand trout fishing on the north island of new zealand. You said, thats nice. I was fly fishing with gos gorbachev. And im like im done. I cannot compete. As i recall i said we had been in new zealand the year before at the same lodge. Stephen you had already done what i did. You beat me twice. That doesnt make it better. That makes it worse. So you were and the families have gone skiing together. Stephen exactly. Yeah, weve gone to sundance, in utah, exactly. Youre a very good skier. Its humbling to ski with you. No, no, no, not anymore. Im an old dude at this point. Stephen thats why its so humbling, tom. If you were my age and better than i was, i wouldnt be humbled. We had a good time. Stephen i want to ask one more question about this picture. How long were you up there in the amazon . I left six days agoing. Stephen so when you left, england was still part of the European Union and the world had not come to an end. Thats right. And when i got there, at the end you may remember the projections were that it would stay. Stephen exactly. Everything turned, it seemed at the end. Brazil is in such political and economic chaos all the time that down there they said, so . Thats how they live. Stephen it is this is bad. This is a big deal. This is a big deal. Stephen calm me down. Because you have seen a lot. Can you calm me down. This . Because im in kind of a panic. Listen, stephen, you and i have known each other long enough to know that calming you down is a lifetime assignment and im not prepared to do that. applause . Stephen all right, then calm me down about the olympics. Are they going to be ready . Did you see any of the facilities when you were down there . I didnt get to rio this time but were constantly told they are going to be ready. Sochi was not really ready but they got the thing done, and nbc will be there. And if theres a section of the stadium that is not finished, were not going to show it. laughter stephen thats professionalism. Theyll thats professionalism. Theyll get the job done. Somehow theyll get it done, i think. Back to the eu, i think this is a very big deal in a lot of regard because its the mirror image of whats going on in this country. A lot of the vote against the European Union in great britain, we want our own country back. We dont want all these immigrants. Thats what were seeing here. And a lot of people are confused about their future, with good reason. And that confusion is fed by social media because you cant go online anywhere without someone having a very strong, sometimes outrageous opinion about what needs to be done. And that fuels insecurity and paranoia. So it takes, i think, leaders with a Greater Vision than what were seeing right now who are able to come together and talk to their constituents on terms that they understand. Theres too much leaders up here, working class down here. Too much economic class way up here, working class way down here. applause you know. cheers thats a perfect example right there. Stephen thats a perfect example. I do want to point out that moments ago they were applauding human waste. laughter this is the end, though, of if this goes through, this is the end of the 70year project following world war ii. Sort of the fruit of the sacrifice of the greatest generation that, of course, you wrote so eloquently about. This is the european experiment of trying to unify a country that had been at war too many times over the last two centuries. It is. But at the same time, wherever we live, we almost always become nationalists. Were proud of our own country. We want that to remain for our children, the way we do things. Its very tricky to put together all those kinds of compacts. It looked like europe would be the Perfect Place to do it because they had been in an alliance for a long time. But at the same time, there was not enough education, i think, in the working class areas about what this can mean to you in terms terms of improving your lives and making yourself stronger. Europe has always been a part of our life, and after the war we had the nato alliance. That helped keep the russians in check so there was a foundation for it, but when they took it into the economic arena and began to expand it so there were more than 100 nations looking in on the European Union, i think a lot people who were in working class england got very nervous and they got nervous not just about that, but because the workplace is running away from them. Its automated now. Its computerized. Its not just a good pair of boots and a strong pair of hands. But you have to have other kinds of skill sets to compete, and thats the big challenge as we go forward. applause cheers stephen well, y