And musical guest, diana gordon. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen thanks, everybody. Thanks for being here. Whats going on Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen thats nice. Thats nice. Thank you cheers and applause wooo wooo these are people these are people absolutely. These are people who are alive on this planet right now. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause that is a fresh audience. And we keep them fresh by keeping it this cold in here, you guys, crisp as celery. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Everybody feeling good . cheers and applause you know who i hope is feeling okay . The president ial candidates. Tough job running for these united states. Right now, donald trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. So how do we know the truth . Well, former new york mayor and guy who took away your times square porn, Rudy Giuliani has a simple suggestion. Go online and put down Hillary Clinton illness. Take a look at the videos for yourself. laughter stephen yes, giuliani says just diagnose hillary on the internet. If its on the internet, you know its true. For instance, i put my symptoms into web md and found out ive started menopause. cheers and applause jon a little hot, aint it . Stephen its why we keep it so cold in here, by the way. So i took giuliani at his word. I googled Hillary Clinton illness, and this is true, the first result is giulani fuels Clinton Health rumors again. And again. So let me get this straight. Let me explain this to you. Heres whats happening. Giuliani says shes not healthy, and you can look it up on the internet, and when you look it up on the internet, it says that giuliani says shes not healthy and to look it up on the internet. Its a loop. Its like a snake with its tail in its mouth, or a man with his head up his own ass. cheers and applause by the way, something you used to be able to see in times square before giuliani came along. laughter but im not surprised that he was able to diagnose hillary so accurately without examining her. After all, giuliani and donald trump are experts on female anatomy. Its true, its true. Just look at this actual video the two of them made. You know, youre really beautiful. A woman that looks like that has to have her own special scent. Maybe i could tell me what you think of this scent. Oh, you dirty boy donald, i thought you were a gentleman laughter stephen now, obviously, thats shocking, and youre going to want to verify that video. Just go online and put down donald trump, Rudy Giuliani, drag queen, motorboat. cheers and applause stephen good, clean, family joke. Now, i dont think thats exactly the video giuliani wanted you to find on the internet. I think the one he wanted you to find was this one. Conspiracy theorists have cooked up just about every condition for her. Brain damage . Check. Parkinsons . Check. Autism . Yup. Even syphillis. Stephen syphillis . Syphilis. You cannot be president if you have syphilis. Just ask ben franklin. But you cant ask him. You know why . Syphillis. laughter now, these conspiracies started back in 2012 when Hillary Clinton fell down, hit her head, and got a concussion, making her miss the first benghazi hearing, and some people accused her of faking it to get out of testifying. Then, a couple years later, those same people said that not only was it not fake, but so serious that she suffered permanent brain damage. And they have proof, and its this footage of her reacting to a crowd of reporters, which they say shows her having a seizure. And even more recently, this damning footage from the Clinton Convention of hillary enjoying the celebration. Now, im admit, ill admit, that is not very president ial behavior. My fellow americans, the state of our union is. Oh shiny shiny union i wish i got excited about anything that much. cheers and applause i really cheers but heres the thing, i just want to say this to the trump people out there. I dont know why they keep things like frail, or week, or low energy. Theyre just tiptoeing around the medical condition theyre really worried about, one that no other president in history has ever faced. Hillary clinton has chronic no penis. Its congenital. cheers and applause it runs runs in ever woman in her family, has had the same thing. Speaking of the internet and penises you guys know what gawker is, right . Youve heard of gawker. Gawker. Com . Or was. Yesterday marked the end of an era when gawker was shut down. Its all because gawker lost an enormous lawsuit after posting a hulk hogan sex tape. So just to make sure were not shut down, we here at the late show would like to go on record as saying we do not believe hulk hogan has ever had sex. Total virgin. No one no one who acts like that has ever been laid. Personally, im sorry the hulkster beat me to the punch on this one. Because i was counting on getting a bunch of money from gawker when they released my sex tape. I wasnt even going to have to share the money since im the only one on the tape. applause not easy to do that to yourself, by the way. Now, where were we . Where were we . Where were we . Where were we . Oh International News in International News, north korea has announced a huge step forward in their race to the 21st century. Still dont have food, but now they have their own version of netflix of course, its not called netflix. Their streaming service is called manbang. applause by the way, its a lot less subtle when you ask someone to manbang and chill. But you know what . You know what . Lets give it a try, okay. Let me just google korean manbang. And, oh, my goodness. Yeah. Okay. Oh, they are very fit. Ill tell you what, why dont you stick around. Weve got more on the latest Clinton Emails and rami malek when we come back. applause i am sebastian artois. Brewmaster. Risktaker. I sold everything i had to own a brewery. You might have heard its name. Stella artois be legacy the perfect kidfriendly hotel. Simple to book which is great for families. Finally whatever captain obvious. Save up to 50 during the hotels. Com labor day sale. And get an extra 10 off with promo code lastchance. I wiso youll notice every little thing. When you notice dry skin, try johnsons new extra moisturizing wash and cream. A rich nourishing bath routine. With ten times more moisturizer. So you can notice other things mom, like how much i love you. Introduces new, easytoswallow tablets. So now, there are more ways, for more people. To experience. Complete protection from frequent heartburn. 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I have thousands of unread emails in my own inbox. Now i have to read 15,000 of hers . By the way and i mean this inserious match. Com, thank you for sending me all those profiles of available African American women in their 40s from the cape girardeaux area of missouri, but im good. This is a true story. My kids thought my wife and i would be a good match on match. Com and said why dont we sign you up for match. Com separately to see if the computers would match you because we think they would match you. I told them, do not do that. I do not want anybody reporting that Stephen Colbert signed up for match. Com. They said they didnt, but i have started receiving emails from match. Com that for some reason are sending me mid40s, very friendly looking fullfigured sisters. Jon oh, yeah hey stephen yeah, yeah. And asking me to hollaback. applause im flattered. I understand the appeal. But thank you but no thank you. Now, where was i . Where was i . Hillary clinton. Hillary clinton. Now heres the deal with hillary and the emails. There are so many of these hillary emails that the state Department Says theyll be putting them out in batches, with the the final batch scheduled to be released. Four days before election day. And election day by my calculations is still lets see laughter a reason to drink. laughter applause but theres actually another nother new batch of Clinton Emails. And these are ones about her ties to donors at the Clinton Foundation, which is a charity set up to distribute aid around the world, and just as importantly, to keep bill clinton busy enough that he doesnt spend all day trying to get secret service to go to hooters with him. They got clam strips. They got clam strips. Delicious. And these emails show how the foundations donors sometimes got access to clinton while she was secretary of state. Sounds shady. But with all the questions surrounding all of these emails, its hard to tell whats really a thing and whats nothing at all. So to figure it out, lets bring out the late shows thingometer. cheers and applause okay, okay. This is the thingometer. It shows how stuff rates on a scale of thing, to not a thing. For example, over here at thing, you have igneous rock. Clearly a thing. And we know rocks are a thing because rocks are what the thing is made out of. Here in the middle is maybe a thing, represented by hiddleswift, which may be a thing, but i also hear is not a thing. Honestly, who knows . Stay safe, you guys. Now, and over here is not a thing, represented by mike pence mania, where teens take pictures of themselves dressed as mike pence. Which, i promise you, is not a thing. Yet, yet. So lets reset the thingometer, and lets find out if the Clinton Foundation scandal is really a thing. Heres what came out in the emails. First, they show ties to a charismatic, powerhungry International Leader bono. Hes a Clinton Foundation donor, and he got them to send an email to secretary clintons top aide huma abedin, requesting a linkup with the International Space station on every show during the tour this year. Any ideas . laughter clintons staff wrote back, no clue. applause in other words, he still hasnt found what hes looking for. cheers and applause no, okay. So im going to say im going to say not a thing. Now lets reset again. Lets reset again. So what else was in these emails . A request came to the foundation for secretary clinton to meet with another major donor, the crown prince of bahrain. And this time, he got a meeting. Anyone can see that looks bad doesnt take a bahrain surgeon or for that matter a rocket scientist. Though if you are a rocket scientist, could you please get in touch with bono . laughter but this might not actually be a thing, because the emails also reveal that the meeting was requested and set up through official channels. Wow. I am impressed that the prince of bahrain used official state Department Communication channels. Even Hillary Clinton didnt do that so im going to say im going to say between maybe a thing and a thing. We reset. The Technology Behind this is so advanced. The emails also show a request from a Clinton Foundation donor to get a visa for a british Soccer Player with a criminal. Record. However, the visa was never granted. So im going to say this, as well as soccer, not a thing. applause now, all these requests were being handled by huma abedin. And id just like to say, between being Hillary Clintons aide and Anthony Weiners wife, i do not envy her lifestyle. Im so sick of these emails. Lets see whats on twitter oh god that that is definitely a thing. applause cheers cheers and now, heres Something Else i love you. And heres Something Else that seems like a thing since these emails came out, bill clinton has announced that the foundation will stop accepting corporate and foreign donations if Hillary Clinton is elected. So maybe hillarys ties to the Clinton Foundation are not a thing. But, clearly, bill clinton thinks theyre a thing, which. Its kind of a thing. So the Clinton Foundation scandal lands right up there at maybe a thing, which is the same ranking as bald guys with ponytails. Because it may not be a crime, but it sure doesnt look good. Well be right back with rami malek. Stick around. One smart choice leads to the next. The new 2017 ford fusion is here. Its the beauty of a wellmade choice. Sorry. Sorry. Regerts . Sorry, i was eating a milky way. Welcome back. My first guest tonight is a brilliant band playing actor who is now the star of mr. Robot. I didnt force you to do any of it. It was all you. Your choice. Truth is, i just followed your lead. People want to follow you. Why . Same reason why you led the entire world into a revolution. Because you are a leader. I dont want to be a leader. Stephen please welcome rami malek. cheers and applause stephen see how excited sthphen please welcome, rami the people are for rami malek . I mean, this is crazy. Stephen isnt it . Isnt that great . Im not surprised. Im not surprised. Thank you. Stephen i think they just agree with me that youre one of my favorite actors. Youre really an amazing person to watch on film. Its fun to see you in person here. My mother thinks so, too. laughter . Stephen really . She sound like a really smart woman. Congratulations on mr. Robot. Thanks, man. Stephen six emmy nominations. cheers and applause i understand you guys just got you guys just got picked up for season three. Yeah. Stephen thats good news for the rest of us. No spoilers. I havent seen season two yet. All right, all right. Stephen but i love it. Then dont read anything online. Thats what i would tell you. Stephen i never do. I never do. Obviously, i look up Hillary Clinton illness, but other than that. A lot of things people say about it i know some coders and they say its accurate. Thats one of the best things about it is that it doesnt talk down to the audience. Actually is what you seen on screen, what theyre talking about is accurate. Did you know anything about hacking before did you this part . No, nothing at all. Im, like, a terrible typier, too, which is so sad. laughter . Stephen did you have to learn or is it all are you just doing this offscreen. I did start to do that, and i quickly got reprimanded. Theyre like, youre not playing the piano, is what i heard. Thats what it looked like. Stephen oh, really. piano playing opinion . Jon pling stephen did you have to take typing classes . I did have to take typing classes. Somebody came to my house and gave me typing lessons, and after a few session of that i was like, no, i think i can cover this with just pure acting. I can you can act to the tips of your fingers . Yeah, right. I should be able to do just that. Stephen well, the character eye mean, the show itself is about, like, revolution, and anarchy, and a sense of profound alienation. Alienation. Stephen yeah we just connected which is the opposite of profound alienation. Yeah, right. Stephen so why do you think why do you think it has struck such a chord with people . I think so many people feel alienated in a way. They feel, you know, disenfranchised by the society they live in. They feel like they want to do something about it, but its very difficult to, you know, to rail against this this society that is, you know, positioned you know, the 1 against the rest of us, i feel. Its just a difficult place for people who are, you know, just striving to be to achieve something and who are very different. Yeah. Stephen well, your character applause your character is certainly very different, you know. And youve played a couple of characters like snafu in the pacific was another character, a brilliant performance, another character profoundly damaged or profoundly alienated. Do you enjoy playing people who cant connect with other people . Because laughter an actors job is to connect with other people, isnt it . Yeah. It must be somewhere deep inside of me that i have those same feelings. You know, i like to discover what it is that made these people that you know, that way, if its, you know, a question i think of nature versus nurture, you know. If were, you know, just if were born that way or its a situation that has been dealt to us, that puts us that allows us to develop in this way, that its difficult to communicate at times or forces us into a corner. I like those guys. Stephen one of my favorite things about the show is that elliot, your character, is talking to us, talking to the camera, as if were not real. As if were an acknowledged imaginary presence in his head, who he knows he shouldnt be talking to because were not there. And it really alienates you from the tv show because its almost as if the tv show is saying, it would be better if you werent real. Right. Stephen and that the tv show is real