Cbs for a novelty holiday special. But i digress. Here, i brought you presents. This, uh. Ball yay, a ball and this. Snake laughter . Okay. Wait a minute, give me that snake back. Hey hoho, economic it out. Its a christmas miracle it sure is. Merry christmas, everyone. And to all a good night. Now up the chimney i go ooooh thats a tight fit. Oops. laughter Merry Christmas its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Neil Patrick Harris and megan mullally. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody hey stephen hey, jon. Good to see you Stephen StephenStephen Stephen thanks so much. Please, sit down. Thanks very much. Welcome to late show, folks. I am so happy to be here. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You can can tell are you excited for the holidays. Im feeling good. Im feeling good this christmastime. Almost all my Christmas Shopping is started. Im ahead. Im ahead. You know whos having a good christmas . Donald trump. He got what he wanted for christmas america. And hes reguesting it to his buddies. Hes appointed more people to his cabinet. Yesterday, a guy named Stephen Miller was appointed to be his senior policy adviser. Now, we dont know a lot about him. So far, we know hes a picker, a grinner, a lover, and sinner. Some people call him maurice. This is the dope on this guy. During the campaign, Stephen Millers job was to warm up crowds before trump took the stage at rallies. All right, welcome to the rally. Hey, where are you guys from . Okay. Were going to deport you back to there. Trumps cabinet is really taking shape, and its important, it takes shape, because theres this thing called the line of succession. It involves most of the cabinet. It goes president , Vice President , speaker of the house, secretary of state, the grimace, i believe. Just kidding, obviously, theyre all white. Jon hey. Stephen its true, its true. Grimace is a person of color. Purple, purple, but still. Heres an actual chart for the line of succession. Which doubles as the chart of haircuts you can get at the senior center. laughter now, for those of you concerned with diversity, dont worry. The secretary of agriculture appears to be a black guy. laughter applause dont know who he is. Dont know much about him. Dont know much about him. But he seems very nice. Yesterday, donald trump was in wisconsin, hiding from his intelligence briefing, and he surprised the crowd when he talked about how he felt on Election Night about all the polls that said he would lose. I really assumed i lost. I believed these things are supposed to be correct, so i sort of thought i lost, and i was okay with it. Stephen yes, i was, too. I was okay with that. I was okay with that. Jon i saw that, i saw that. I was there, too. Stephen that idea did not upset me. Then trump shared a very personal moment. I go and see my wife. I said, baby, i tell you what. Were not going to win tonight. Stephen that is actually my favorite sinatra song. Hit it, johnny baby, were not gonna win tonight the crooks on the news were right it woulda been a thrill to lock up hill but, baby, were not gonna to night cheers and applause a little high. A little high. Trump then went on to describe the moment that he realized victory was within his tiny grasp. You know, with the map Bing Bing Bing boy, that map was gettin red as hell that map, that map was bleeding red stephen wow. The fact that he was shocked on makes me feel closer to donald trump. I didnt know this. It turns out he also would have been unprepared to host my Election Night show. That would have been two of us. A bit of a shocker. Point is, were all still dissecting what happened in this election. Jill stein is demanding recounts, and Hillary Clinton is in the woods restaging the debates with a dead squirrel. Well get them. Were going to win this one. One thing that may have tipped the balance was wikileaks releasing thousands of Clinton Emails obtained by Russian Hackers. And we just found out how they did it. Apparently, hackers sent hillarys campaign chairman, john podesta, a fake warning email telling him he had to change his password, and when the clinton folks clicked on it, Russian Hackers got access to all of his emails. I cant believe a trick this obvious took down the most Sophisticated Campaign in history. That would be like winnng world war ii by luring hitler out of his bunker with a fake lady hitler. By the way, fake lady hitler is my second favorite sinatra song fake lady hitler, goosestepping into czechoslovakia no . No . Fake lady hitler fake lady hitler i like your mustache im running towards you im gonna dash jon hey, i like that. Stephen it was never released. Sinatra never released that one. Jon yeah, the deep cut. Stephen and it gets even crazier because this hack never would have happened at all, except for one thing when a podesta aide tried to verify if the hacker email was real, another staffer replied, this is a legitimate email, when he had meant to type that it was an illegitimate email. So thats it. There it is. The entire election hinged on a typo. It really legitimizes our democracy sorry, delegitimizes. Thats a typo. I apologize for that. So now so now applause clapping for the end of democracy. cheers so now trump is getting ready to move into the white house, and he has announced his first decoration for the oval office a letter written to him by president nixon. He is going to mount it on the wall right next to his stuffed head of jeb bush. laughter now the letter was written its a real letter, it was written in 1987 and it says dear donald, i did not see the program, but mrs. Nixon told me that you were great on the donahue show. As you can imagine, she is an expert on politics, and she predicts that whenever you decide to run for office, you will be a winner what pollster did pat nixon use, nostradamus . laughter but littleknown fact that wasnt the only letter nixon sent trump. We at the late show have obtained from our contacts deep within the National Archives a trove of hithertofore hithertofore hitherto unreleased correspondence from president nixon to president trump. These are the nixon trump letters. Volume one. Let me get into character here. Im Richard Nixon okay. Im Richard Nixon. laughter booingabooinga. Dear donald, i wasnt watching the tv, but pat tells me that you were excellent on wrestlemania. laughter i suspect the whole thing is a fraud. Fraud. How can the macho man take that many folding chairs to the head . Give my best to the hulkster. Yours, dick. Im really getting into character. Jon i see that. Dear donald, i did not see the program, but pat says you were wonderful on the fresh prince of belair. just like him, on the playground was where i spent most of my days, chillin out, maxin, relaxin, all cool. I hope when you run for office, you will use this experience to reach out to afroamericans. Please remind them that lincoln was a republican. Love, dick. laughter laughter this is me being casual. Dear donald, pat i have followed your campaign closely. How do you keep getting away with this bleep . laughter i mean i mean, leaked recordings sunk my reputation, and you talk about bleep and still get elected . You got some balls, buddy. Sincerely, Richard Nixons ghost. cheers and applause thanks so much. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Neil Patrick Harris is here. Stick around constipated . 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The mayor. Stephen hey, everybody my first guest tonight has a tony and four emmies and a boatload of talent. Please welcome, Neil Patrick Harris. Stephen welcome well done, everybody stephen isnt that nice . Whats up stephen people leap to their feet for Neil Patrick Harris. Wait a second you said you loved me a half an hour ago. Congratulations. The laf time i saw you, you had not yet won your tony. Congratulations. Thank you very much cheers and applause . Stephen thats a great achievement. It was so fun. Stephen tony is where its at, man. Anybody can win an emmy, right . Ive got, like, nine of them, right, whos counting. Oscars you can win for documentary short subject, and agreement has spoken word. Tony you have to bring it live. You cant fake the tony. You cant fake the tony. It was super fun and exciting to do but we had a theatrical chapter together. Stephen it was brief. Stephen sondheims company at lincoln center. And you were so good. Stephen you did a beautiful job and i stood on stage with you. It was fantastic. There is video to prove it. That was not true. I was wildly underprepared. And you were so on your game we were all unprepared. We never rehearsed the show together until we did the show live in front of an audience. Its true. Now youre just lying. Stephen its what i do for a living. I had my script in my hand. I arrived a week later you guys. You were completely off book. You and Martha Plimton had scenes together, you can kunkfu scenes together. Stephen a lot of sondheim is kung fu. Fu. I just did sinatra, my friend. The ability to do a musical. I dont mean skill set. Stephen i am out of here no, no, no. No, im saying quite the opposite. Im saying that you have the talent to do a musical, but you have this gig here its nice to be on broadway every night. If you could do a musical, what would do you . Stephen jesus christ superstar,. Do you know jesus christ superstar. Ive heard of it. Stephen what would you want . Fake lady hitler. Its a great show. Stephen im telling you, theres an entire score fake lady hitler. Would you like to play hitler or fake lady hitler. I won a tony fer hedgewick. Stephen when you get a tontony can you walk up to any w and say, i think you have tickets for me. hamilton is not sold out. How about for my friend, anthony. Does he have tickets . Youre doing well, and even though, like, youre a big star and everything like that, and i know youre probably rolling in it, you might get a hurt on your budget this christmas because your son, gideon you and your husband, david have, two beautiful children, gideon and harper. Twins. Stephen and dpidon has put out a christmas list. This is what it is. It says, 1, bounce house. laughter 2 and is this what it says lifesized rocket ship. cheers and applause thats what he want s. Stephen did this get mailed to santa . Not just yet. laughter thats thats what hes after. Stephen yeah. You live in the city, right . We live in the city we have yeah air, brownstown in the city. Thats what i said thoim, where are we supposed to put a lifesized rocket . Stephen is there a chance the rocket will come true . It might not be lifesized. But it will our daughter, harper, asked for pink karaoke machine. Stephen thats nice. Pink . laughter i get the karaoke part. But does it need to be pink . Stephen she she is fine with, you know, western gender normative choices. Yeah. Stephen and you are not to judge her for that. I dont judge the glirchg do not judge her choices. How she identifies is none of your damn business thats true, thats true. And its really santas list. The other thing she asked for was a dollhouse, but a lifesized dollhouse for her. laughter . Stephen how big was it . We actually have a photo. We have a photo right here. Shes 48 inches tall. Stephen theres you and david and the kids. That was halloween. I said, harper, a lifesized dollhouse is just a house. Hes not going to get a house for you. And she said, yeah. I said, what is it with these giant gist t gifts . Where do we put a lifesized dollhouse thats large enough for you or a person . And she said, on the roof. Well put it on the roof. Stephen with the rocket ship. So, yeah, its going to be a late night on the 24th. Stephen you and david put out some incredibly adorable photos of you and the kids. This is your halloween photo, right . We do a fun halloween picture every year. Stephen do you ever feel like its going to become an arms race, like every year theres a cuter one. At some point youre going to peak out. And the kids are going to go, dad, you totally failed this year. What is going on . I dont worry about that because i just love halloween and i think its super fun and a great opportunity to put on silly costumes and get scared eye love haunted hows. What i think is going to be tough is when they start dictating what the costumes are going to be. Right now we can say, we have a great idea. This is what were going to do. Old hollywood. See this, her name is marilyn monroe, and youre going to watch a little clip from marilyn monroe. And theyre okay with it. But in a year or two theyre going to declare it has to be Something Else and thats the arms race. Stephen they will, absolutely. By the time they become teenagers, youll be lucky if they talk to you, of course,. Understood. Stephen your costume is, you two are invisible. And were going to go have fun. laughter weve got to take a little break. Dont go no way dont go no way. Stephen dont go away. Well be right back with more Neil Patrick Harris. You could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and Bank Statements to refinance your home. Or you could push that button. Sfx rocket launching. Cockpit sounds. Skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. Securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. 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Congratulations on your new series, a series of unfortunate events, on netflix. You play do i have the right thing here . I play count olaf. Stephen you play your beloved count olaf. Dafterdly count olaf. Stephen those are all you. Yes. The sailor on the left there is captain sham. Stephen who is this lovely creature right there . Her name is shirley st. Ives. Stephen which one one of these costumes was hardest. Its a log of work. Sham has a peg leg. You cant see it in that. Stephen this guy . He has a peg leg . I had to walk around with a peg leg and my leg up my butt. So that was hard. Shirley had padding, so that was hard. Going to the bathroom was tough as shirley. Stephen yeah . Because i had, you know, underwear and then hose and then padding and then, like, spanx, to cover it all. You had to put all that on, and then when you had to pee, you had to take it all off and try not to get it everywhere and then you had to get it all back on again. Stephen what about this guy . Stephano. I shaved my head every day for 22 days to do that. Stephen we have a clip here of the children meeting their meeting count olaf for the first time. Stephen for the first time. This happens friday the 13th of january, all of them on netflix. Stephen and they have gone through a series of unfortunate events already. Their parents perished in a fire and they are sent to the closest living relative which olaf figures out is him because he lives six blocks away. Hes not a relative but he figures that is the case. Stephen jim. Hello, hello, hello, children. I am count olaf, a renown actor and your new guardian. Youre welcome. Thank you. Youre welcome. Please, come in. And, mind you, wipe your feet on the mat so you dont track in any mud. And dont forget your enormous fortune. cheers and applause villainous. Stephen you are a very good villain, but, obviously, people love Neil Patrick Harris. But you enjoy cheers stephen its true, its true. I didnt pay them to do that. The lovable brand . Stephen you are. You are lovable . Okay. Stephen just let them love you. All right. Stephen but you like being the villain. Being a villain is super fun you. Stephen like spooky things, scary things . I always loved the haunted mansion, and i loved the haunted houses and i loved things that are darker. Its very sonnenfelled, the executive producer, and its based on kids books and they were dark in theory and its fun and you dont often get a chance to play someone who doesnt look like yourself and just be awful. Stephen one of the problems with christmas is that its not its not scary. Its not a scary holiday. Stephen its not a scary