You wont hurt my feelings. Youre not going to hurt my feelings. How much would you have said . You look about 52. Stephen okay, great. You look 68. laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes emily blunt gael Garcia Bernal and musical guest phantogram. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey, everybody thank you very much hey jon, whats up . cheers and applause whoo whoo welcome to the late show, everybody thank you so much thank you so much, everybody good to see you cheers and applause thats nice. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. Welcome to the show. Youre very kind, everybody. Welcome to the show. Im Stephen Colbert. You know, a lot of times, if you watch the show, i start the show talking about donald trump, but theres other news out there one imagines. laughter because donald trump visited an Elementary School classroom yesterday in nevada, and listen carefully to how one of the children reacted. Im nervous. Im starting to get nervous. Im nervous, im nervous. Im nervous. Stephen we all are, sweetie. We all are. cheers and applause cant be good. It is good that that child has memorized using that sentence now because, after President Trump is elected, it will be our pledge of allegiance. Im starting to get nervous. Also, by the way, im nervous was in all of trumps wives wedding vows. I am not sure, i didnt find out actually why trump was visiting those first graders. I assume to borrow a pair of gloves. And laughter applause and that wasnt the only child with something to say about trump. See, ana, i told you his hair wasnt orange. laughter applause stephen oh, kids say the darnedest things. No, his skin is whats orange his hair is a decomposing prairie dog. And we here at the late show, and this is exclusive, we here at the late show have obtained additional audio of these children, and one child really expressed what so many are feeling. Im nervous. Im nervous. I dont like trump, but i dont trust hillary, and gary johnson is just throwing your vote away. Stephen but, when trump was done frightening small children, he asked for a favor from an unlikely group, the terminally ill. I dont care how sick you are. I dont care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning its over. You wont be around in two weeks. Doesnt matter. Hang out til november 8. Get out and vote. Stephen yeah, just go to that booth. Pull that lever out of spite. If ive got to go, im taking you all with me. I really think applause piano riff i really think trump has finally found his core demographic, people who will not be alive for his administration. laughter applause now sure, lets give them some applause lets applaud for them, they deserve it. Now, trump has been taking a lot of heat for his tax returns recently, so, earlier this week, he decided to change the subject by apparently upsetting veterans. When you talk about the Mental Health problems when people come back from war and combat, and they see things that maybe a lot of the folks in this room have seen many times over, and youre strong and you can handle it, but a lot of people cant handle it. Stephen now, some people have criticized trump, saying this implies that people with p. T. S. D. Are weak, but trump respects our veterans. Remember, he went to a military academy, and then served five tours of deferment from vietnam. I mean, he would have loved to have gone to vietnam, but he had bone spurs in his heel. Have you ever had bone spurs . Theyre annoying. laughter trump opened up about his painful military experience in a 1997 interview, when he said this about the prevalence of s. T. D. s in the 1970s and 80s club scene it is a dangerous world out there. Its scary, like vietnam. It is my personal vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave soldier. Yes, its just like they say in the military, all gave some, some gave all, he got some. laughter by the way, trumps nickname at the nightclubs . Agent orange. laughter applause so you see jon ha stephen so you see, just because trump never served in the military doesnt mean he cant speak to the trauma of war. He, too, has suffered. Its time we acknowledge not only our veterans p. T. S. D. But our deferred veterans pret. S. D. People who were so traumatized by the idea of going to war that they just had to stay home and have sex with models. Clearly, pret. S. D. Has affected trumps Mental Health incoherent speech, sudden mood swings, tweeting from the toilet at 5 00 a. M. The man is in pain. Possibly from spending so much time on the toilet. Speaking of disasters, does anyone here have a Samsung Galaxy note 7 . If so, please calmly remove yourself from the theater. Hazmat teams are waiting for you in the lobby. Because just yesterday, a Southwest Airlines plane was evacuated after one of those phones caught fire in its owners pocket. Which led his seatmate to ask hey, is that a flaming smartphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to get free pop chips on a flight to baltimore . laughter according to reports, the smartphones charbroiled owner then threw his phone to the ground, where it began emitting a thick, greygreen angry smoke. Angry green smoke, by the way, an early frontrunner for the 2020 g. O. P. Nomination. laughter as you know as you know, youre saying to yourself, why didnt samsung recall those phones that were catching fire . Yes, they did in fact, just last month samsung had to replace 2. 5 million phones. And this phone was a replacement phone. Its like the old saying fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice oh my god, my crotch is on fire laughter applause as a child, i never would have imagined i would have gotten applause for saying the words, oh, my god, my crotch is on fire. laughter truly is a wonderful world. Heres an unbelievable bit of news a lot of the news this year has been hard to believe, and we might just have learned why its so hard to believe. Because two tech billionaires, convinced we live in the matrix, are secretly funding scientists to help break us out of it. They call it the simulation theory, and as you might have heard about this earlier, when elon musk revealed this year that he believes the chances that we are not living in a computer simulation is one in billions. And he said that he came to that conclusion after a chat in a hot tub. Hey, everybody, loosen up yeah, im not wearing any pants. But this whole thing might be a simulation anybody interested in a little stimulation . Hey zuckerberg, open up another one of those roses were all just ones and zeroes, lets take this party to mars thats my impression of elon musk, by the way. laughter so, if elon musk is right and he is right a lot the universe is just a giant video game, and ive got to say, i think theres room for improvement. I mean, what was the developer thinking . The whole thing starts with this 18year tutorial level called school that youre not allowed to skip. Then you never end up using that stuff in the game. Not to mention this huge glitch where bad things happen to good people. There are nice touches here and there i mean, dogs . Thats aplus. But why cant we play the game as dogs . Theyre having a pretty good time. Not to mention all those ingame transactions. Everything costs a ton of money. And all the best tasting food hurts your health i hope they fired the guy who made that decision. I mean, yeah, theres love of family, theres the beauty of nature, and yeah, the orgasm mini games are fun, but those are almost impossible to unlock. laughter also unless you play as a buddhist or a hindu, you only get to play it once. Three stars. Now say hello to a fivestar man, jon batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to me sitting at the desk. This is my favorite part of the show because i get to not use leg muscles. Mmm. laughter of course, theres another debate this sunday, between Hillary Clinton and donald trump, and there has been a lot of pressure on donald trump to outline policy proposals. And if trump has one signature policy proposal, it is having no policy proposals. But if he has two, its got to be the border wall. You guys remember the wall, right . Audience yeah. Stephen he is going to build it, mexico is going to pay for it, its going to be the best wall ever, like the great wall of china had a threeway with the berlin wall and the wailing wall. We dont have a picture of that . We dont, we dont have a mockup of that . Well, folks, just imagine three walls having sex and a picture of that right here. Naturally, the wall isnt particularly popular in mexico or with fans of dignity. But we did find one hispanic person who is a big supporter of the wall. Please welcome, live via satellite, from the border, martin hernandez, ladies and gentlemen. cheers and applause mr. Hernandez mr. Hernandez thank you for being here, mr. Hernandez. Oh, its my pleasure. I love the wall. Ill take any opportunity to talk about the wall. Stephen you must be fun at parties. So, to be clear, mr. Hernandez, even though you are not an american, you want a border wall . Oh yes, the wall is the simplest, most elegant solution for keeping people out of a country. Way more practical than, say, a flaming moat full of crocodiles or training swarms of bees to check the passports. Stephen i have to say, im pretty surprised you are such an enthusiastic proponent of the wall. Why . Stephen well, because youre mexican. Mexican . What are you talking about . Im canadian, eh . laughter stephen canadian . I thought you were hispanic. Oh, so just because somebody is hispanic, they cannot be canadian . Come on. Have you never heard of the host of jeopardy, alejandro trebek . laughter stephen i am familiar with him. So why is a canadian building our Mexican Border wall . Oh no, im in alberta, stephen. Im building this wall to keep americans out of canada. You know . cheers and applause im using poutine as my mortar stephen but why . Because its delicious you know . French fries, cheese and gravy . Cmon. Stephen no, i understand poutine is fantastic, why the wall . Oh, because if trump gets elected, you americans are going to flee to canada like crazy. Youll take our jobs and steal our Canadian Women keep your filthy american hands off celine dion my heart will go on not yours stephen but what about americans who have relatives in canada . Youre separating families not to mention all of our imaginary girlfriends. Sorry, stephen, shes my imaginary girlfriend now. Stephen beth no yes, yes, beth. Sorry, stephen. And the best part is, were going to make america pay for the wall. Okay . Make canada great again also cheers and applause now if youll excuse me stephen, i have to go to have some imaginary sex with beth. Stephen martin hernandez, everybody. Well be right back with emily blunt. Beth, beth, no cheers and applause this is the time the time for harmony let love be the song that everybody sings s. C. Johnson. Then shielding lubrication. And cooling. Brrr. With lubrication before and after the blades. Shields and cools while you shave. Proshield chill from gillette. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. mmm. Before mom gets home. D up, thatll work. Dentastix cleans. So you can get closer. Oooh. Wowww. There it is. Its the red tag sales event and people are excited to bring in the new year with a new chevrolet. Im a huge chevy fan. How would you feel about starting 2017 in a new chevy . It sounds wonderful. Honestly, i would take any one. Oh heck yeah i want to get one tomorrow. Fantastic turn it on, lets go. Its the red tag sales event. Get two deals in one. Find your tag for an average total value over fifty three hundred dollars on chevy traverse. Hurry, the red tag sales event ends january 3rd. Its just a cough. Our cough, sfx woman coughing youd see how often you cough all day. And so would everyone else. Robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to 12 hours. Robitussin 12 hour cough relief, because its never just a cough. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight has starred in everything from the Devil Wears Prada to sicario. Her new movie, the girl on the train, opens tomorrow. Please welcome the lovely emily blunt cheers and applause band playing thank you stephen welcome back thanks. Stephen nice to see you again. Good to see you. Stephen now, since the last time i saw you and then you and your lovely husband, john krazinski, and i went out together, you were pregnant at the time. I was. Stephen had your baby. I did. Stephen and forgive me for forgetting but your baby has a lovely is it a flower name . Shes a violet. Stephen violet there you have it. And your other child is . Hazel. Stephen hazel and violet. They should be playing bridge or something. A couple of old biddies. Stephen those are nice they are. I was talking to john about this. Theyre nice old lady names. Thats really nice. I love old lady names though. Theyre coming back. Theyre cool. Stephen yeah, they are cool. Wish my name was violet. They were three emilys growing up in my class. Stephen really . No stephens. No . Stephen no stephens. I grew up with no stephens. It was out of favor. I went to school with stephen collins, who was a bully. laughter sorry, stephen collins. Stephen i apologize on behalf of all stephens, i guess. Im sorry about that. Now, this is your second child. Do you care . As much . Stephen you worry less laughter you worry less. Im sure you care do you care as much about this kid . Stephen yeah, whatever. Do you worry as much . I feel im more relaxed. You have two, so. Stephen i have three, actually. You have three stephen oh, the third is like freerange. Forget it that ones raising itself, yeah. Stephen just throw some food on the floor, its like a cat. Put some water down, make sure the waters fresh. Everythings fine. But you do worry less . Well, i think you do, in that youre more relaxed, so the kids quite zenned out. Violets like like, shes so relaxed, because im relaxed, i guess. Stephen oh, thats pleasant. Relaxed mommy makes everybody happy. I know, seriously. Stephen now, we were supposed to have dinner tonight. And we both forgot we had prior engagements. Weve very popular. Stephen we are very popular people. Ive got to host a show, thats my prior engagement. laughter and then we were going to have dinner again next week and youre hosting saturday night live. I know. Stephen okay. cheers and applause and then and then youre going to leave to go to england. For eight months. Stephen to play mary poppins yes. Stephen which is extraordinary. cheers and applause thank you stephen now, do you think how would lets think about your children for a second. How would you feel if your mother was mary poppins . Is that good or bad . People ask me that and i always was like, its such a gift, isnt it, that i can do this for my girls, but then with you asking me how i would feel, im wondering. I dont know. Mary poppins is kind of iconic, kind of cool. Stephen absolutely. For england, its like playing batman or something, because laughter because shes got superpowers, right . Yeah, totally. I mean, people every time i mention to someone that im playing mary poppins, they go, mary poppins like, theyre just sort of stephen theyre doing Dick Van Dyke. laughter theyre doing Dick Van Dyke. Stephen yeah, well, growing up in england, you had to have watched mary poppins, right . Well, i did, yeah. Stephen well, did you because a lot of america says, Dick Van Dyke, thats not a cockney accent. Did you think its not a cockney accent. Stephen its not. But did it bother you as a kid . No. I mean, i didnt notice it at all. And you know, my mum, who is very well spoken, was like, i mean, i think we look back on it with great fondness. laughter about Dick Van Dyke a slightly backhanded compliment. laughter stephen is there when you look back over it with great fondness . Great fondness, yeah. Great fondness. Stephen great fondness the pleasure of distance. Yes. Stephen are there different ways to compliment or to not compliment in england as opposed to america . Yes. So i get in trouble here, because so, you guys, if you really like something, you say, i thought it was quite good. And to me, that is really rude because, in england you say, yes, it was quite good, which means it was trash, you hated it. Stephen how does that translate as bad . Because quite good quite good, ehh stephen oh, quite means not quite there . Its quite good, you know. Stephen oh, wow. So did you people come up to you, and people have said, i saw your movie, it was quite good. And im like, oh, all right, well, you didnt have to tell me that. laughter stephen so, an english person says, they Say Something is actually good, what would they say . You were good. laughter stephen dont go overboard. People do not go overboard. People are not effusive. Stephen so, youre going to be there for eight months. Your girls have got to be coming with you . They are, of course. Stephen okay, what about your boy . Not the second one, because i dont care about her as much. Stephen what about John Kaczynski . How does he do in london . Hes coming for the first three months, then he has a job to go to. But he loves it, and also very much feels like a foreigner there. I think americans are so welcoming to british people. You, sort of, anglophiles, all of you. I do not think it works the other way around. I think british stephen we like you more than you like us . Yes yes, and john said he would go into a snooty cafe near a flat i used to own there and he said theyre always so horrible to me. I went, take your baseball cap off, thats why. laughter you look so no one wears baseball hats in england. You look so american. Its true and they were much nicer after that. Stephen why dont you like us . I have no idea. Stephen we saved you in world war ii hey laughter cheers and applause stephen im personally offended. I look back on that with great fondness. laughter stephen you look back on that with great fondness . I do. Stephen how long have you been in the states working now . I have been here for eight years. Stephen wow. Okay, when you go back, do people say, wow, youve really got an american accent. My mum. Stephen really . My mother, again, is featuring a lot in this interview. She says to me on the phone