Ukraine, let me ask you this simple question, is Vladimir Putin a war criminal . I would not use that term. Stephen all right. Then what term would you use, sir . Take a look at this picture. Would you use the term shaved vampire . How about the term that painting from ghostbusters two but with man . Ip not in a position to be able to make that determination. Stephen fine. Lets move on. Mr. Tillerson, do you believe Vladimir Putin is responsible for ordering the murder of countless dissidents, journalists and political opponents. I do not have sufficient information to make that claim. Stephen let me see if i can inform you. Take a look at this picture. Its of Vladimir Putin wearing an apron that says kiss the war criminal. I would certainly want to examine all four corners of that. Stephen all right, fair enough. Lets take a look down here. Oh, in this corner hes barbecuing the arm of a journalist. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes tom selleck Craig Robinson and musical guest asap mob, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its teefn teefn cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey, everybody thank you very much whats up, folks . cheers and applause stephen oh, my goodness welcome to the late show im Stephen Colbert. Im so happy to be here and i will pinky swear on that, absolutely. laughter jon there it is. There it is. Stephen now, for those of you who werent paying attention, in one week, well have a new president. audience reacts in between time still got a week. Still got a week. In the meantime, president obama is wrapping things up at the white house you know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, spake ling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the Security Deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there. Its also time for goodbyes, so the president had a reception to say thank you to Vice President joe biden and reward him for his service. But i just want to get some folks together to pay tribute to somebody whos not only been by my side for the duration of this amazing journey, but somebody who has devoted his entire professional life to service to this country. For the final time as president , i am pleased to award our nations highest civilian honor, the president ial medal of freedom. cheers and applause the best Vice President americas ever had, mr. Joe biden. cheers and applause stephen the best Vice President america has ever had cheers and applause the best the best okay . The best. In your face, franklin pierces vp william rufus. laughter did you guys see any of the show last night . cheers and applause because if you watched the news also, there is a story going around causing a lot of strong feelings on both sides. Heres the deal theres these allegations that russia has compromising information on donald trump, and for reasons i cant explain, some are calling it golden gate. laughter jon wow. Wow. Stephen you can say that again. cheers and applause jon whoa. Stephen its all based on 35 pages of Oppo Research that was put together by a british m. I. 6 agent. Yesterday, we didnt know his name, and now we know his name is. Steele. Christopher steele. So a brit spy named steele . Is he remington steeles cousin . Im not sure. I guess secret agent colt megaslam was on another assignment . Was superspy rand manly not around . Thats a really onthenose name for a british agent. Actually, it sounds more a gay porn name. Because it is. Meet chris steele, gay porn actor. laughter i gotta say, it is great to see rob riggle getting some work. Good for you, man. Apparently, during the primaries, the nonporn star Christopher Steele was initially hired by jeb bush. Jeb bush, actually, a pretty good straight porn name. As part of the Opposition Research he was doing, steele got wind of trump business ties to russia as well as personal blackmail material, or as the russians call it kompromat. It comes from the russian words kompro meaning we and mat meaning videotaped you with hookers. I think thats the translation. Jon Something Like that. Stephen i dont speak fluent russian but its Something Like that. Steele passed this onto intelligence officials, it leaked, and now Christopher Steele is on the run. According to the daily mail, he was seen fleeing his home yesterday and asked a neighbor to take care of his cat. Youve got to protect the cat, trump is known for grabbing the pussy. laughter applause stephen get it come here, kitty come here jon oh, oh you gotta watch that. Go there. Go there. Go there. Stephen and were learning so much about the Incoming Trump administration. For instance yesterday, we learned that he will not be divesting from his businesses. Now, a sitting president with International Business ties might seem like a clear conflict of interest. Youre not donald trump. As you know, i have a no conflict situation because im president. I have a noconflict of interest provision as president. So i could actually run my business. I could actually run my business and run government at the same time. Stephen yeah, thats right. He could do both. applause jon robot, get out of the box get low stephen he could do both. Makes sense. Hotel business, commanderinchief. That sounds right. Itd be great. You dont need i. C. B. M. s. You can just deliver bombs via room service. But trump has made one concession. Yesterday he announced he is handing over control of his business to his sons, eric and donald junior, seen here posing for their plaques in the douche hall of fame. applause congratulations. And to make it absolutely clear that he is no longer involved in the company, trump has removed his name from his buildings and replaced it with the name of his sons. There were visual aids these papers are just some of the many documents that ive signed turning over complete and total control to my sons. Stephen wow, that is a really big pile of. Something . applause we dont know. We dont know what it was because reporters werent allowed to look at any of the documents. Possibly because the folders containing his Business Plan appeared to be blank. So its all just political theater. The press conference even had a best supporting actress trumps lawyer sheri dillon. And we know shes extremely qualified because and this is true her firm was the 2016 winner of the Russia Law Firm of the year award. audience reacts congratulations. The award itself is this lovely trophy on her desk. Also, yesterday, confirmation hearings continued for trumps cabinet or basket of employables. In the hot seat was former exxon c. E. O. And prison guard who didnt see you getting stabbed, rex tillerson. Now one of the big knocks on tillerson is how cozy he is with Vladimir Putin and exxons willingness to do business with shady governments. Exxon has a partnership with shell, a company known as infineum, that did a fair number of transactions with iran, bypassing u. S. Sanctions. Are you familiar with this, the use of this subsidiary to bypass u. S. Sanctions and do you think it was the right thing to do . I dont recall the incident. Ive read about it. But i dont recall it, specifically. Stephen really . Seems like something a person would remember. Wait, did i leave the oven on . No. Did i lock the door . Yes. Did i break the law against doing business with a state sponsor of terrorism . Ugh, thats gonna gnaw at me all day something, something, something, something. laughter doing business with iran sounds sketchy, but tillerson reassured the committee that exxon never lobbied against iran sanctions. I have never lobbied against sanctions. Exxonmobil never directly lobbied against sanctions. Stephen oh, good. Except for this. I have four different lobbying reports that list exxon mobils lobbying activities on four specific pieces of legislation authorizing sanctions. Stephen oh, thaaaat lobbying. Yeah yeah i thought you meant i was against buildings in iran having lobbies and im like what . Thats crazy and my brain is like bleaaah, whats happening . Im, sorry, i dont recall the question. So, theyve got a paper record, dead to rights, of exxon lobbying against iran sanctions. What say you, iranossaurus rex . I dont know. I havent seen the form youre holding in your hand, so i dont know whether it indicates were we lobbying for the sanctions or were we lobbying against the sanctions. Stephen well, thats what you want in a secretary of state. A guy whos not sure which side hes on. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Tom selleck is here. But when we return, ill give a shout out to some of our lesser sponsors. So stick around. Enjoy your phone you too. All right, be cool. You got the amazing new iphone 7 on the house by switching to at t. What . . Aand you got unlimited data because you have directv . . laughs to self in disbelief okay, just a few more steps. Door its cool get the iphone 7 on us and unlimited data when you switch to at t and have directv. Cascaras the cherry thats on the outside of the bean. Its now being used as a sweetener. Its like a very subtle sweetness into your coffee. Its just this like cup of deliciousness. Customer service d. Maam. This isnt a computer. Wait. Youre real . With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. , like me, anytime. Wow. This is a recording. Really . No, im kidding. 100 u. S. Based customer service. Here to help, not to sell. Making us north americasr are choosing nissan. Fastest growing auto brand in 2016. Take on 2017 and get the safety youd expect. The fuel efficiency you need and americas best truck warranty. Get to nissans take on 2017 event for 0 financing for up to 72 months on 11 models. Or save up to 10,000 on select models. Applebees allin burger meal were talkin burger. Fries. Pepsi. Prizes. Like producer for a day with mike and mike. Woo get a burger, fries and a pepsi for just 9. 99 at lunch, plus a shot at instant prizes. , you have to brave to8 hours of testingcation, in the 11 most crucial areas of management accounting. Only 50 will pass. Done. So if youre one of them, feel free to brag. Youve earned it. Oh yeah. I want that. Whos next . Im next. After her. After him. The cma certification. Youve got to earn it. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Please say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen you know, as you guys know, we were talking about this before the show, jon and i cant do the show alone. Jon right, cant do it alone. Stephen weve got a fantastic band over there cheers and applause weve got the greatest crew in television right here. Jon an amazing staff. Stephen an amazing staff of writers, producers, the sound guys, weve got the people who strap on my face every day, all the people who do it. But, of course, a big show like this has a lot of bigname sponsors. We couldnt do it without their cash, you see, there are so many big names out there. Like musinex, thats a big one. This time of the year, more important than oxygen to me. The late show is often brought to you by breathe right strips logo and breathe right strips. But we also offer discounts to Smaller Companies who want to sponsor the late show, but cant afford the full commercial experience. So, instead, just get me to say the name of their product. This is late show lesser sponsor roundup. Just to remind you, these are people who sponsor the show but cannot afford the ads. Smaller Companies Just starting out or older companies that are just about to die, were not sure, but they just give us a little cash to tell you about their products. We just have to name them. Here we go. The late show is also brought to you by kid rocks summer camp. Come for the fun, stay because youve had way too much colt 45. The late show is also sponsored by flexiblegos the soft lego competitor that you can step on with bare feet and not teach your children the fword. applause thank you for your service. Wed like to thank our sponsor stewper soakers the high powered water rifle to feed your kids hot stew in a hurry. Promotional consideration is provided by my first meatball the entry level meatball, with the hole in the middle so you dont choke. The late show is also made possible thanks to avocado pit golf balls. Finally, a use for them. Late show is also proud to be teaming up with the people at police chickens, protect, then serve. applause the late show would not be possible without the partnership of rascally jabber halfinch knife for when you really want to stab Somebody Just a little. The late show is also brought to you by the comfortco wheeled mobility bed this should probably just be for sick people but it isnt. The late show is also brought to you by bongo t. Nanners, the sex ed gorilla the countrys only sign language gorilla certified to teach kids about doin it. Weve also teamed up with the makers of the l. Ron cupboard, a Perfect Place to hide when youve escaped scientology. cheers and applause the late show is also brought to you by the 1981 chevy cavalier the number one abandoned car that raccoons are having sex in right now applause were also sponsored by your neighbors dog. Hes up all night screaming at squirrels so you dont have to. Of course were proud to be sponsored by dickersons artisanal game boys the only game boy carved from a single piece of wood that doesnt work and is being sued by nintendo. laughter the late show is also brought to you by captain breakfasts little wheat anuses. Little wheat anuses theyre exactly like cheerios, only harder to eat because of their name. Well be right back with tom selleck after these bigger sponsors. cheers and applause i had that dream again that i was on the icelandic game show. And everyone knows me for discounts, like safe driver and paperless billing. But nobody knows the box behind the discounts. Oh, its like my father always told me put that down. Thats expensive. Of course i save people an average of nearly 600, but whos gonna save me . [ voice breaking ] and thats when i realized. Im allergic to wasabi. Well, i feel better. Its been five minutes. Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] okay. Digiorno . Talk about progress. [ chuckles ] rise to the occasion. Its not delivery. Its digiorno. Un poquito mas rapido, no . [instrumental music plays] [wheel squeaking] hasta luego, profesor [pumping of bike tire] [pumping of hospital ventilator] [wheel squeaking] Carlos Carlos dr. Brad needs to see you in room 3. [wheel squeaking] [heart monitor beeping] tell cardio right away i need a. Mone hundredts thousand times a day, sending oxygen to my muscles. Again so i can lift even the most demanding weight. Take care of all your most important parts with centrum. Now verified non gmo and gluten free. Are how clear windexith makes your windows . Introducing. Schmindex look windex makes glass too spotless and too dangerous. But shmindex makes it dirty shmindex. Order yours today cheers and applause stephen welcome back to the late show, everybody ive wanted to talk to my first guest for years. He is an Emmy Awardwinning actor you know from magnum, p. I. , three men and a baby, and cbs own blue bloods. Tv schedule for monday which is also your birthday. What does this have to do with the schedule. They will want to do cake. Lets say 5 00. Who wants cake at 5 00 . Stephen lets dont do this again. I know you dont want to talk about your birthday. Yet you keep talking about it. Stephen a lot of people want to get you presents. What do i tell them . I dont know. Stephen what about in lieu of flowers, charities. Isnt that for funerals . Stephen please welcome the iconic tom selleck cheers and applause it is lovely to finally talk to you. Nice to talk to you. Nice to meet you. Stephen i have wanted to interview your mustache for years. Thank you. Stephen and the mustache was available but you werent. I know. Stephen and i understand youre a package deal these days. Well, i get embarrassed sometimes because, you know, they put iconic to m my name or something, but he gets iconic everywhere, my mustache. My iconic mustache. Stephen it preseeds you into the room by about 30 seconds. Yeah, i dont like to talk to him because hes getting full of himself. He has his own agent. Stephen do you have to agree on your projects . We have to get the blue bloods scripts two weeks early because he wants to prepare. Hes a mustache for gods sakes. Stephen i know you have never expressed any desire to run for public office. No. Stephen but what about your mustache . Because id vote for that thing, man. cheers and applause you dont have to drain the swamp, you could just sweep the swamp out with that thing. By the way, is musinex your real sponsor . Stephen its the unsexy sponsor right there. It really works, but the mascot, i want to meet the mascot, the big pile of mucus. Stephen the pile of phlegm . Yeah. Stephen is he here . Well get that. Hes my guest tomorrow night, i think. Its amazing, though, little phlegmy guy. Stephen just to get back to your mustache for a second. Of course. Stephen if you shaved your mustache, do you think you could just rob a bank and no one would identify you . No, i stephen when was the last time you saw your upper lip, sir . Well, blue bloods has been going on for seven years, so not lately. But i was born with that. applause stephen really . Yeah. Stephen you did a lot of commercial work when you were younger and we actually have a commercial. Oh, thank you. Stephen you look fantastic, and turns out you smell even bert. Oh, good. Stephen do you happen to know what it is . I did a lot of hygiene products. Stephen this is a hygiene product. I cant remember what the product is. Well find out in a second. Young tom selleck without a mustache. Safeguard current need heavy per assume to mask odor because its so effective of removing the cause of perspiration odor. Good morning. He smells just the way a man should smell. Clean. Safeguards deodorant lather is so effective it doesnt need heavy perfume. With safeguard, you dont get the heavy smell of some deodorant soaps, you get naturally clean smelling skin. applause its a very interesting concept. Everywhere i walk, there are more people in it. That was great Penny Marshall and