cheers and applause jon hey, hey stephen welcome to the show, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. Happy to have you. Im your host, stephen colbert. It is friday. Today marks 35 years of donald trump in office. laughter and no, im sorry, 35 days. It just feels like 35 years. And, of course,trump is in charge of our nuclear missiles, and if that does not scare you, perhaps this will. Yesterday, in an interview he said he wants to expand the u. S. Nuclear arsenal and make it top of the pack. laughter im not sure if he means top dog or leader of the pack. But either way, he is not the sharpest knife on the christmas tree. laughter cheers and applause but applause but its a terrifying prospect. After years of carefully decommissioning our nukes, obama won the nobel prize for that. applause trump wants to ramp up nuclear production. Its like the cold war all over again, but this time, everyones on russias side. laughter and he allowed so we know who the winner is. And he elaborated with the following reassuring words, i am the first one that would like to see everybody nobody have nukes. laughter applause everybody nobody have nukes. Actually, i think thats how nukes work. First, everybody has them. Then nobody has them. And in between, theres a big boom. cheers and applause you just get rid of them. Secretary of state Rex Tillerson was in nasdaq city yesterday to meet with his mexican counterpart who i hope is named mex tillerson. Only fair. And tillerson really had his work cut out for him because mexico was none too happy about trumpa new immigration rules, especially the ones that, recommends sending anyone detained from entering the u. S. Illegally to mexico, regardless of whether they are from that country. There you go. See, justice isnt blind. She just cant tell hispanics apart. laughter and it must have been awkward moment for tillerson and the mexican diplomats when they saw donald trump describe his immigration plan from the white house. Were getting really bad dudes out of this country, and at a rate that nobodys ever seen before, and theatre bad ones. And its a military operation. Stephen yes, a military operation. So, congratulations to whoever had war with mexico in their office pool. laughter at least now we know how hes getting rid of all those nukes. Now, secretary of Homeland Security john kelly immediately issued a statement that there would be no use of the u. S. Military to enforce immigration. So which is it . Sean spicer . The president said today that the deportations taking place under his watch are a military operation. Right. Secretary kelly sailed the military wont be involved in deportations. Did the president misspeak . The president was using that as an adjective. laughter stephen im not im not an english teacher, but hes using military operation as an adjective . laughter as you do, as you do, do you like my new haircut . Yes, its very military operation. Yet do these pants make my ass look military operation . But the department of Homeland Security has been trying to reassure immigrants all week. As one official said, we do not have the personnel, time, or resources to go into communities and round up people and do all kinds of mass throwing folks on buses. Wow, thats a superspecific plan for something youre not going to do. Dont worry, hone. I would never lace your coffee with sleepy pills, put you behind the wheel, and then jam a brick on the accelerator. Where am i going to find a brick at this hour . Lets see. Hey, everybody excited about the oscars this weekend . cheers . Stephen yeah . Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You are all liars, because a recent poll showed 60 of americans cant name one best picture nominee. So oscars so white has become oscars so what . Now, im going to be watching this sunday because my dear friend jimmy kimmel is hosting and hes going to crush it. Hes an amazing jimmys a good friend. Youre going to do great, baby doll. I dont know if you are aware of this, but i am also a member of the entertainment industry. And as such, i have deep knowledge of the best pictures, even though i have not seen all of them or possibly any of them. laughter fortunately, you can figure out exactly what happens in a movie just by looking at the poster. And thats this is another edition of late show best picture poster recap. All right, this will just get everybody up to speed on what is the in all the best picture nominations, whether or not you saw them. Another here we go. First up la la land. This, clearly btwo crazy kids who fall in love while accidentally highlying hitler. Yeah, a sad ending. Its a cautionary tale. Next up arrival. Im going to say nerch this movie is really upset because amy adams lost her giant black contact lens. Now, i dont know if you saw lion. Its about two lovers from the wrong side of the tracks specifically, above and below them. laughter then theres the magnificent Hidden Figures the incredibly true story applause yeah, amazing. Its a true story. Its a true story. Did you see it . Jon yes. Stephen i did not see it true story. I know it is the true story of how it took hollywood until 2017 to figure out that black people see movies, too. Now, everyone, everyone out there is talking about hell or high water which, if the poster is to be believed is a madcap comedy about two brothers who cant find their pickup truck. Also, giant jeff bridges. I think hes going to win for most actor this year, largest actor. Hes going to win for largest actor this year. Up next moonlight. This is actually applause im not surprised people are excited about this movie. I am. This is the next movie if the xmen series. From the poster i believe it is about a mutant with the power to grow a welltrimmed beard half of his space facewhen the moon comes out. Marvel has done it again. The next nominee is hacksaw ridge a true gripping story about a guy named hacksaw ridge the the only professional wrestler to fight in world war ii. Next is fences a heartwarming story of a couple gazing lovingly at their new fence. And finally, manchester by the sea. I think this will win it. Its an intimately family drama about a guy who has to break the news to his girlfriend that he lost her favorite seagull. Anyway, those are the oscar movies for you this weekend. We have a great shore of show for you tonight. The plofl and talented Allison Williams is here. But when we come back, i take a trip to nasa. Stick around. Check that out how do you become americas bestselling brand . 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Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why but so we dont have tormin wad to get clean. Charmin ultra soft gets you clean without the wasteful wadding. It has comfort cushions you can see that are softer. And more absorbent, and you can use up to 4 times less. Enjoy the go with charmin. applause stephen come on give it up for the band cheers and applause incredible, man. Welcome back, everybody. Well, i tell you what, were going to have to bring in were going to have to bring in Civil Engineers to check the structural damage in this building because you all just tore the roof off this place. cheers and applause stephen all night. Hey, jon, i want to ask you a question about next week. You doing anything tuesday night . Jon yeah, ill be here. Stephen 11 35. Jon were doing a live show. Stephen youre going toment to be here because were doing a live show following president trumps address to a joint session of congress, all right, all right . Yeah. Its not the state of the union, becauselet country doesnt have that much union right now, but its like the state of the union and well be here to talk about everything he said and did right here on the show. Please join us. It will be super exciting. Right . Im right about the exciting part, right . Can we fact check whether it will be exciting . Theyre telling me it will be exciting. Now, whats also exciting right now, these are exciting times for the good folks at nasa. This week, nasa announced they found, not one, not two, but seven new planets in a star systems just 40 lightyears from here, and trump has already banned refugees from all seven planets. laughter and the other exciting thing is that now, america has taken the lead. We are heading back to space, thanks to Boeings Starliner capsule. And naturally, daeld wants in. Jim. Recently the good people of nasa invited me to the Kennedy Space center where american heroes continue to shoot for the stars. One of those heroes is commander chris ferguson, who pilottedly the final mission of nasas iconic shuttle program. America will continue the dream. Stephen today, chris is the director of crew and Mission Operations for boeing, so i asked to meet him to see if i had the right stuff. laughter to make it to space. This is the centaur second stage stephen we started with the technical review of the starliner system. How will the starliner work . Uh. Its a rocket. Stephen its a rocket, okay. Hold on. Let me get that down. Rocket. The starliner, were going to ride on an atlas 5 boost gler which one of these are we talking about here . Theyre both models will of the atlas 5. One is a little shorter than the other. Stephen theres a short one and a long one. Thats one models stephen there are two models over there. But there are two different sizes of the same rocket. Stephen so there are two sizes. It does not come in two size. Stephen why are there two models . I dont know. Stephen this is by far the most phallic rocket to go into space. Im not sure we can show that on camera. Jimmy, this is a family show. And what shaped rocket will female astronauts go up in, a georgia okeefe paintings . They will be the same. And the strapon boosters. Stephen do you guys always use two strapons . For this particular mission we do, yes. Stephen okay. But you can put up to five. Stephen you can use five strapons at once . Yes. Stephen wow. With the technicalities behind us, it was time for me to try on boeings highly amounted new space suit. Unlike the bulky suicide of yesteryear, praised for its light weight, flexible design, it is the next generation of space suit. What do you think . Youre not going to use that. Stephen why not . Look how practical it is . Turns out i had the wrong suit. This was the suit. This feels right. You look good. Stephen tell me about the gloves. So the gloves are they have a capacitor touch so you can operate a touchscreen. Stephen i can use an iphone with this . Because on reentry im going toment to be check might go instagram. Very important. Stephen thats actually looking. Look at that. Okay, lets get a selfie. You dont want to put your finger up . No. laughter applause stephen there is a hole right here. Is this where he week up the gravy tube . Thats where your air hose will connect to, yes. Stephen another great, lets do it. Oh, yeah. There you have it. Right. Stephen i cant help but notice, and i want to put this delicately that when you attach the tube, it gives you an enormous ass. Is there a reason for that . This is sweet. Look at that. I look like space nicki minaj. Whats going on with that . Stuft st just to make it as unflattering as possible. I dont think they were trying to make you look bad. When you sit down, your butt takes up more material so when you stand up its unflattering. Stephen you think im fat say so. Just say im a little heavier and could lose a few pounds. You could lose a couple of pounds. Stephen okay, forget it. Next it was on to the starliner capsule itself where i would be strapped down for an intensive interview. What kind of technical degree did you receive that may help on future missions to the International Space station . Station. Stephen i have a theater degree. I can act like i have technical skills. Watch this. Uhh, lets get the du1 on the downer. We are burning daylight. Lets light this candle. We are detoxing. Lets turn on the oxygen. I just broke a switch. Did you break that switch. Stephen what are the rcs1 . We need rcs1. Stephen what is that . Reaction control jet number 1. Stephen how am i doing . How am i scoring so far . Im afraid breaking that switch is not going to reflect well on you. Stephen im stronger than i thought. Do you guys say, light this candle . We never say, light this candle. Stephen if i say, lets light this candle, no one would say they know what i mean. Would know what you mean but the cooler astronauts dont say that. Stephen what do they say . Ready to fly. Q. Thats cool. Are you ready. Stephen lets light this candle. Youre not youre not doing exceedingly well here. Flying with the crew and living on the International Space station with other astronauts requires someone to be very flexible and get along with others. Do you have experience in this area. Stephen im flexible in terms of my needs. Is that important . Yes. Stephen okay, good. I just have a couple things. I made a small list of things i need while im in orbit. I cant go anywhere without a lavenderscented candle. And i also have a Service Animal for anxiety. Seriously . Stephen yeah, its a possum. And legally you have to let me take it because its a service possum. Im not sure if a possum is in the mix, steve glen again, its a service possum. I can just put no here. Stephen how am i doing . Dipass . Aint no stopping us now. Were going to space. Stephen i had taken every test with flying colors and i couldnt wait to hear what my crucial role would be in americas triumphant return to space. Were going to proclaim you the first honorary starliner astronaut commander in charge of sticker placement. applause stephen all right. Lets light this candle. applause cheers and applause stephen well be right back with Allison Williams. Stick around. By the time you head to the bank and wait to get approved for a home loan, that newly listed, midcentury ranch with the garden patio will be gone. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the waiting, and go completely online. Get the confidence that comes from a secure, qualified mortgage approval in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® im not the type to smushy garbages. You know what . Im going for it. You are completely and utterly. Awesome. Im glad you showed up. In my life i think im about to cry. You better not. Every single time i. Get down you always have. My back my back its really hard to describe. Its like. All these tiny little. Things . Yes. Yes. Things are actually. Friendship. ,, you feel every mountain weve ever conquered. In our sports cars, you feel every podium weve ever climbed. And now, theyve come together to create something youve never felt before. Introducing the glc coupe. Part suv. Part sports car. All mercedesbenz. applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. Hey, jon. Folks, my very first guest tonight is best known as marnie on girls. She now stars in the new thriller get out. Sir, i can see your lnls, please . Wait, why . I have state i. D. No, no, he wasnt driving. I didnt ask who was driving. I asked to see his i. D. Yeah, why. That doesnt make any sense. Here. You dont have to give him your i. D. , because you havent done anything wrong. Its okay. Any time theres an incident we have every right to ask maam everything all right, ryan . Im good. Get that headlight fixed and that mirror. Thank you, officer. Stephen please welcome Allison Williams. applause hi hi stephen hi, nice to meet you. Its so nice to meet you. Stephen that is an absolutely beautiful dress. And yours is beautiful, too. Stephen thank you very much. You actually look like a princess. Thank you thats my dream compliment. Stephen it might be the new blond hair. Im blond now. As you saw, im no longer that hair color. Stephen do you shock yourselves sometimes when you look in the mirror . Constantly, im not used to it. And by the way, just to head this off do i have more fun . No i am a ball of hairrelated anxiety. Stephen why . It feels different. I know know some of you have dyed your hair. It feels very different. One feeling of hair thats a phrase that makes sense yeah, please, make a most that. I had one feeling of hair for 28 years. Stephen yes. And then i have a new feeling of hair, and it is dryer, and i just wouldnt recommend it. I dont even youre considering stephen do a hot oil treatment, baby. Go in there. Do a hot oil treatment. It will turn your tub into a frictionless surface, and youll die. Why did you change from brunette to bloand. Did you want to shake marnie off like dust from a boot . Yes, thats the exact expression i used. That is so weird. No, i have never heard that expression, but its great. I did it yeah, i mean, its part, like, rudimentary. It was for a magazine cover. But i was willing to do it because its like a breakup. Ive been with her for six years. And love her. Shes difficult. No one else likes her, but i see what other people cant. And now its time to say gone. And to quote the mickey mouse show. Wasnt that from now its time to say goodbye to all our company. The rest is copy righted thats abc. Thats abc. This is cbs. Sure is. Oh, i know. Stephen but you do look like a disney princess. So it all fits. Disney, which owns, you know, not cbs. Stephen saying goodbye what do you think youll miss most . You must be wrapped because your hair is different. Im done. I said gone to her on saturday. And i was very emotional about it. Stephen what are you going to miss the most, your buddies or the awkward, unattractive sex scenes because the show is famous i feel like that question has a slant to it. Stephen the show is famous for having an awkward sex the two are more related than you can imagine. Stephen go on. Well, the sex scenes breed a kind of intimacy, as you can imagine. Stephen i dont, ive never done on