cheers and applause stephen hey how area you . cheers and applause . Jon i like that stephen whats going on . Please, have a seat, everybody. Youre too kind. Thanks. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, stephen colbert. cheers and applause first of all, obviously, happy tuesday, everybody. cheers and applause tuesday crowd. Tuesday crowd. Jon taco tuesday. Stephen its the second dave spring . Today is the second day of spring. You know who has a bad case of the mondays this tuesday . The trump administration. Because, apparently, paranoia has seized the trump white house. Im surprised. I thought russia was going to seize it. Trump staffers, evidently, are so paranoid about the media, theyre staying mum in meetings out of concern that their comments could be leaked to the press by foes. I have some bad news. It didnt work, because your foes have leaked your mumstaying. And its not just the press. Not just the press theyre paranoid about. White house staff are also afraid that a deep state of career military and intelligence officials is out to destroy them. Now, what is a deep state . I thought it was what you achieved after doing three bong hits and watching planet earth. Very deep, very deep. Those lizards are going to get caught by those snakes. Snakes are talking to each other. In fact, its a Permanent NationalSecurity Apparatus that pulling the strings behind the scenes. One white house staffer is so fearful about the deep state spying on him that once he gets home in the evening, he turns off his work phone and stores it in a drawer because he believes it cou to listen to him, n its off. You fool. Now the c. I. A. Will have intel on your collection of loose batteries and takeout menus. And when he needs to make a call from home, this staefers, uses a separate, personal phone in an adjoining room, where stowed work device wouldnt be able to pick up his voice as clearly. Smart. Because even if theres a vast government conspiracy t you, theyd never bug two phones. Not going to happen. cheers and applause jon they arent going to bug two phones. Stephen a lot of paranoia fans here tonight. I think this paranoia is just the frustration every new administration has with washington, d. C. It happens every time, you know. You went washington. You went to work for trump because you wanted to tear down the government. Now you have to deal with it. Now you are the government. Its like a dog who spent his whole life chasing the car. Now he has to drive the car. Were not happy about it, either, by the way. Remember, were in the back seat of a car being driven by a dog now. All right. cheers and applause this dog knows how to drive stick in this metaphor. Does anyone here this is a kind of private and personal question. Mind if i ask you one, a personal question . applause . Stephen dozen anyone here dabble in the marijuana . Shh dont tell our attorney general and forest gnome whose riddles are kind of racist, Jeff Sessions. Last week, sessions spoke out against the trend of legalized marijuana, saying i am astonished to hear people suggest that we can solve our heroin crisis by legalizing marijuana, so people can trade one lifewrecking dependency for another thats only slightly less awful. Sure, marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin like how burning your tongue on hot cocoa is only slightly less awful than being set on fire. laughter applause just a little just a little. Sessions really is uptight. If only there was some way to mellow him out. Something thats legal in half of america at this point. If Jeff Sessions decides to partake in the stickyicky, might i suggest he take a trip to the goodwill . Because, recently, a cooler full of marijuana was donated to a goodwill location in monroe, washington. And you were mad when your mom donated your comic book collection. Mom, have you seen my cooler . Im going. Camping. And i really need my cooler because, mom, i owe the bears a lot of money, mom. They really want their camping equipment. Apparently, employees at this goodwill opened a cooler that had been donated to thrift store and found that it contained 3. 75 pounds of pot, with an estimated street value of 24,000. Or, as Willie Nelson calls it, running low. Hes a good guy. Willy is a good guy. So as i was saying before, its tuesday, march 21, the birthday of one of americas finest actors, Matthew Broderick. And so, i. Hold it stop it stop it cheers and applause stop it cheers and applause hold on this is madness stephen what . This is madness no, no, see this man right here is a liar. Stephen Ryan Reynolds, everybody cheers and applause ryan, its good to see you, but im kind of in the middle of my monologue here. You shut your gorgeous mouth i cannot stand here and let you lie to this audience. Stephen wait, you dont think Matthew Broderick is one of americas finest actors . Of course i do, stephen. Hes a National Treasure but ive been sitting back there listening to you deceive these people. Today is not tuesday. laughter stephen what . What . cheers and applause im pretty sure its tuesday. Its thursday thursday . You pretaped this entire show stephen how dare you, ryan whats your middle name . Rodney. Stephen ryan rodney reynolds, if that is your real name. It is my sworn duty as a late night talk show host to stand up here each night and deliver topical, uptothe minute. Comedy. Its kind of my brand. Its what we do. Up to the know what the National Conversation is you come here because im talking about it that night. Why on earth would i tape this show five days in advance . Why . In i dont know some sort of scheduling conflict on tuesday . I dont know. Stephen that makes no sense. Because im right here, on tuesday when this airs, yes, but right now, when were taping it, its thursday stephen okay, youre wrong. And ill prove it, okay. Im going to do a joke that can only be told on tuesday the 21st. Oh, oh. I cant wait. Stephen hey, so march madness is upon us, and did you hear this . Theres only 16 teams left in he tournament. rim shot cheers and applause there you go. Its funny because its true. Its not funny. One, that is not a joke. And b, thats just how its scheduled. There are always 16 teams by now. Stephen ha you just said, by now. I meant then. Look, look, heres todays paper, right here, thursday, march 16. Stephen you could have just bought that last week and held on to it hold on one second. Look at this. Look what i have right here. I have a newspaper. It says its april 16, 1912. The titanic just sank. You want me to do jokes about that, you sick bastard . Youve got a real problem dont push me, colbert. Its been a long week stephen no, its been a short week, because its only. Tuesday. laughter here, ill prove it again. This is the greatest audience in the world. Is it tuesday . cheers and applause what are you going to do now, ryan rodney reynolds, call these people liars . Oh, that is just sick. You just stole five days of these peoples lives stephen you need to calm down. No, you do. Youre losing it, colbert. Take a good look in the mirror stephen i dont need to because when i look at you, its like looking in the mirror. laughter applause okay, okay. Oh oh okay. Oh stephen look, man, im sorry. Im sorry, i just came in a little too heated god you smell great. Stephen i dont know what came over here. Lets agree that we cant agree. Stephen yeah, theres no need for us to fight. Why dont you just go backstage and enjoy the rest of this very topical, uptodate monologue im doing. And maybe afterwards you and i can go out and get some tacos. Tacos . I love tacos. Wait, is it because its taco tuesday . Stephen you tell me, riryan. You cant have tacos on a thursday. No, thats against the law. Stephen so what day is it ryan . cheers and applause its tuesday its tuesday. Stephen right you are, my friend. Im sorry, stephen. Stephen dont worry about it. Hey, as long as youre here, id love im a huge fan id love to do a comedy bit with you. You can stick around . Oh, id love to, but if this is tuesday, then im shooting a movie in l. A. Right now. Stephen ill tell you what, how about this. I have an idea. Im available last thursday to pretape something. Are you free back then . Absolutely. Stephen great, lets have done it. It will have been a pleasure. Stephen Ryan Reynolds, everybody stick around. Weve got a great show. Josh lucas is here. But when we return, ill ponder Big Questions with a surprise celebrity guest. Who could it be . Who could it be . Emerge restored. Fortified. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. Adios, honey, hasta la vista, baby. singsongy im a fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat. That rug really tied the room together. Any questions . Bueller . Bueller . Stream all your entertainment. Introducing at ts new unlimited data plans. Plus, get the amazing new iphone 7 on us. New degree ultraclearnt saving black white. Othes. No yellow stains on white clothes. No white marks on black clothes. New degree ultraclear black white. It wont let you down. Its about time they gave left and right twix® their own packs. They got about as much in common as you, a mortician, and me, an undertaker. chuckling or you, a janitor, and me, a custodian. laughing or you, a ghost, and me, a spirit. laughing new left and right twix® packs. Its time to deside. Because my teeth are yellow. These photos . 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You know, i sit at this desk every night, and a lot of words come out of my mouth, but some of them stay in my brain, up in the old bone bowngs here. So sometimes i need to let out these deeper brain words ideally, i let them out with a fellow celebrity in a segment i call, Big Questions with even bigger stars applause cheers stephen man, what a gorgeous night. Sure is, stephen. cheers and applause stephen hey, ryan rodney you like to come up here to think deep stuff, too . Yeah, its beautiful to just look up at the stars. Stephen absolutely. Orion ah, yes. laughter the hunter. Stephen no, i was saying oh, ryan, look at those two owls doing it. laughter whoa. That one is hung like an adult human. laughter stephen food for thought. Hey stephen . Stephen yeah . What would you do if you had one day left to live . Stephen id go see avatar again. Why . Stephen because those two hours felt like two years. laughter applause hey, rye . Yes, david. Stephen when you blow out the candles on a cake, what do you wish . That the kid whose birthday i crashed doesnt get mad at me. Crazy about cake, stephen. Crazy about cake. Stephen hey, ryan, what would you like written on your tombstone . This Space Available because Ryan Reynolds is still alive. laughter hey, stephen . Stephen yeah, ryan . Stephen do you think its really true that laughter is the best medicine . Stephen i do now. But back in the 90s, i was pretty sure it was robitussin with codeine. laughter hey, steveadore. Stephen yeah, ryeguy . What do you think cats dream about . Stephen defenseless humans that taste like tuna. laughter hey, ryan, in the future, how do you think well deal with overpopulation . Thats easy, colberthug. Well be fighting to the death in the thunderdome stephen youd let me win, right . No, i would make a necklace of your spine. Hey, stephen, if you could have any superpower, what would it be . Stephen oh, id like to have a hightech ring thats green and has a lantern on it, and i can use my imagination to make anything out of green light. laughter cheers and applause wow, thats a really dumb superpower. laughter stephen yeah. What superpower would you want . Id like to be able to pee at a public urinal when someone is standing directly behind me. Stephen oh, courage bladder. Yeah. Stephen hey tripler . Yeah, s to the c . Stephen do you think there is such a thing as a dumb question . No thats a stupid thing to ask. laughter stephen where do you think we go when we die . Oh, i dont know about you, but im going to canadian heaven. cheers and applause stephen theres a canadian heaven . Oh, yeah. Stephen whats the difference between that and american heaven . Well, canadian heaven is real and american heaven is inside the body of toby keith. The big dog . Yeah. Hey, stephenreno. Stephen yes, ryan . If you had a time machine, would you go back and kill baby hitler . Stephen no, but id switch him with baby gandhi just to see what happens. Hey, steve, whats the meaning of life . Stephen well, i suppose its that were all here to do good work and treat one another no, no, no i meant my new movie life. Do you know what its about . Stephen you dont know . Nah, i never read any of my scripts unless there are a lot of pictures. I love pictures. Stephen well, trailer looks cool. I bet you die. Thats why i dont read the scripts. laughter hey, stephen, what do you think the future holds . Stephen probably a commercial break. Ryan reynolds, everybody. Life opens march 24. Well be right back with josh lucas. cheers and applause watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. With e trades powerful trading tools, right at your fingertips, you have access to indepth analysis, level 2 data, and a team of experienced traders ready to help you if you need it. Its like having the power of a trading floor, wherever you are. Its your trade. E trade. Start trading today at etrade. Com because when it comes to great tasting water. Fill quickly and pour immediately, for great tasting water. Fast. New brita stream. I heard superheroes read chucks norris comics. D you. I heard at night, the boogeyman checks under the bed for chuck. I heard cats say they have chucklike reflexes. Do you think hes still got it . I bet you a buck he catches this salt shaker. Youre on hey chuck you owe me a buck. You cant always see whats coming but when you choose unitedhealthcare, finding an innetwork doctor thats close to home is easy. So what happened . I had lunch with chuck norris. Unitedhealthcare. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show. Folks, you know him from sweet home alabama and a beautiful mind. He now stars in the most hated woman in america. Im sorry. I dont want to hear your excuses. Right now all i want out of you is breathing and very little of that. Come on, i just had a little too much to drink. Oh, i am assuming its the drink talking. Otherwise i would fire your ass. What . You want to get rid of me . Go ahead. But i know a lot of secrets about the american eighthest, secrets that might interest the i. R. S. In particular. Stephen please welcome josh lucas. cheers and applause applause stephen welcome to the show. This is my very first time in this theater and, wow. I was told not to look up because it would become distracting but wow. Stephen its quite beautiful, isnt 2t . Yes. Stephen we love it here. Im so glad to meet you because i dont often get to interview somebody who grew up on Sullivans Island, South Carolina, which is where i spent a lot of my childhood. I still go down there. This is this amazing Little Island two islands, Sullivans Island, and the isle of palm, which is a remote, very beautiful stephen sleepy. Beachy village. I literally went to skoal schoolnext door to my house on the beach and this is the kind of place it was, where a pelican once crashed as we were playing in the playground, which was in the sand dunes. And it broke its wing, and i walked it home to the school to next door, and my mother and i wrapped it up and helped it. Its an amazing special place. I know its changing. Stephen not too much. It was pretty much built out in the 1930s, so its not like a resort, but the school is a lot bigger. We rifd when we rented out during the summer and had no heat. We only rented it in the winter because we had no money. We would get it for nine months a year, move out in the summer and people would spend a lot of money to stay there for a week or two weeks, like air bnbat the time. Stephen you lived a lot of different placesaise kid, 30 different places, Something Like that. Why did you move so much . My parents were very active, particularly in protesting at that Point Nuclear proliferation. They felt this country was spending too much time and Energy Building bombs and weapons as opposed to education and health care. cheers and applause . Stephen so this was like 1970s 1970s, 1980s, no nukes movement, jackson brown, darrell hannah, that kind of thing . Absolutely. Stephen mostly in the south. They focused in the south because thats why my father was from, its where i was born and it was a place they felt needed the most attention. And they would go we moved to South Carolina because there was a Nuclear Plant there stephen the polaris sub base there was, too. Thats exactly what it was. Stephen the giant polaris subs which looked like whales of death came right out of Sullivans Island, of the harbor there. My mother was standing on the deck of the house we lived in on Sullivans Island youll love this story she was very pregnant, nine months pregnant with my baby sister. And she sees this light coming towards her at high speed. She starts to freak out and panic thinking it