Behave Birth Control turns women into werewolves. Mmm little known fact, the words corporate media, globalist and pancakes are all just different ways to say jewish. laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen welcomes Bryan CranstonAudra Mcdonald and comedian greer barnes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey hows it going . cheers and applause well, thank you very much thanks, everybody youre too kind welcome to the late show im your host Stephen Colbert happy first day of spring the birds are chirping, the brooks are babbling, and the neighbors are yelling for me to turn down my nature sounds c. D. laughter now, if youre in the northeast, it may not feel like spring, since its still pretty chilly today, though, just a few weeks ago, it was in the 60s. God, i wish it was winter again so i could wear shorts. laughter you cant tell. Jon yeah, you never know. Stephen of course, last week trump released his first budget. Theyre calling it a hard power budget because it features a 54billionincrease in military spending, and to pay for the new spending, trump is cutting everything else. Like the corporation for public broadcasting which funds pbs. audience boos look, look, i know. But trumps a real estate developer. It was only a matter of time before he put up condos on sesame street. cheers and applause trump is also can you tell me how to get how to get to sesame street you cant. Its gone. laughter one of these things is not like the others one of these things was cut from the budget laughter Donald Trumps also eliminating the National Endowment for the arts and the National Endowment for the humanities. audience boos i am not surprised, because hes jealous of anyone who is well endowed. laughter plus, trumps slashing the e. P. A. s budget by 31 . audience boos and the great lakes restoration initiative, which fights Invasive Species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97 . If youre not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesheating hell beast from your worst nightmares. laughter or as steve bannon calls it, my mentor. applause this budget jon get off, get off stephen this budget is so ruthless, its cutting funding for meals on wheels. Really . audience boos really . Cutting meals on wheels . That isnt just heartless, its bad marketing. You always stick with things that rhyme. Meals on wheels crack is whack hop on pop two buck chuck avoid the noid be kind, rewind this Program Provides elderly shutins just minimal nutrition and a scrap of human dignity. What kind of heartless monster could be against that . Colbert did someone say fiscal conservative . cheers and applause stephen oh, say hello to my conservative pundit colleague, Stephen Colbert. Hey, stephen, how are you . Colbert hello, nation. Stay strong. Be brave. Stephen now, just to be clear, stephen, you are not the character i used to play from my old show, are you . Because i really wouldnt want colbert that cuck . I could not be more different. Heres the difference his favorite sandwich is a b. L. T. Okay . I like a t. L. B. The b stands for balls. Its delicious, put it in your mouth. laughter stephen good to know. So whats so important that you had break into my show just now . Because i was doing a monologue. Colbert oh, believe me, stephen, i have Better Things to do out here in the woods. Ive been hunting the most dangerous game. Stephen youre hunting humans . Colbert no, bears have you forgotten so soon . They are godless killing machines, all right . Besides, humans are out of season. No, stephen, im here because America Needs me. Plus, i wanted to stop you from making an ass of yourself on network tv with your misguided analysis of trumps budget. Stephen oh, you think you can do better . Colbert do better . My middle name is do. Stephen okay, well, then. I guess the stage is yours. Ladies and gentleman, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause colbert woo yeah, lets go over here. cheers and applause cheers and applause thank you, nation jon, youre a good man jon yes, indeed audience chanting stephen cheers and applause colbert thank you, everybody. Thank you, nation. You know, folks, trumps budget is getting heat because its supposedly cruel to old people for no reason. When, in fact, theyve got a very good reason. And that brings us to tonights werd cheers and applause screw unto others. Now, you heard the guy who normally sits here moaning about these cuts to meals on wheels, but that guy, hes a wellknown grandma hugger. laughter people are saying that this budget lacks compassion, but white house budget director and 49yearold temp Mick Mulvaney knows that its just the opposite. I think its probably one of the most compassionate things we can do to actually cutting programs that help the elderly youre only focusing on half the equation, right . Youre focusing on recipients of the money. Were trying to focus on both the recipients of the money and the folks who give us the money in the first place. Colbert yes, you cant just focus on helping the needy and forget the people whose taxes pay for it. Thats like praying for the accident victim who needed a transfusion and forgetting about the guy whos Walking Around a pint light now. Give the guy a cookie. laughter now, mulvaney had to cut meals on wheels because they failed to meet their objectives. Yes its called meals on wheels, but how often do you see a hamburger driving down the highway . laughter now folks, i know what youre saying they did meet their objective, stephen. They brought food to the elderly. Well, technically, yes, greg. And we all know what happens to food after we eat it. We are literally throwing money down the toilet. laughter and meals on wheels started in 1972. Now, i havent checked the stats, but im pretty sure all of those people are dead now. laughter besides, think about this mulvaney said, the primary goal of trumps budget is not driving cheetos to grandpa after he gets the munchies from his glaucoma pot, okay . Its defending america. laughter and these foodaddicted seniors havent killed any members of isis. If we want to keep america safe, why waste money on meals on wheels that could be used on Weapons Systems . laughter now, a lot of people say that mulvaney is being cruel to old people. Thats not fair. Hes also being cruel to young people. laughter because heres the deal this budget also cuts after School Lunch Programs for poor kids, but again, for a very good reason. Theyre supposed to be educational programs, right . Thats what theyre supposed to do, theyre supposed to help kids who cant who dont get fed at home, get fed so they do better in school. Guess what . Theres no demonstrable evidence theyre actually doing that. Theres no demonstrable evidence that theyre actually helping results, helping kids do better in school. Colbert yes, why feed children if they arent doing better in school . Take the food away, and maybe theyll be hungry for knowledge. laughter and remember, mulvaneys not doing this to be mean, hes looking out for taxpayers. I think its fairly compassionate to go to them and say, look, were not going to ask you for your hardearned money, anymore. Single mom of two in detroit, okay . Colbert good point, mick. I, for one, wouldnt want to be the fella who has to tell a single mom of two in detroit, im sorry, maam, but im afraid were going to feed your children. laughter the only thing that worries me is that this isnt actually a budget. You see, this is just the president s wish list. And Mick Mulvaney is just trumps magical monkey paw. laughter congress are the only ones who can make a budget. So my real worry here is that a lot of people might go to www. House. Gov and find out how to call their congressman and tell them to protect kids and old people, and that could derail applause because if they do that, if they called congress and did that, that could derail all of Donald Trumps compassion. And that might upset that lonely old man. Upset him so much that he just becomes a shutin. Stays in the white house, doesnt even eat, and someone has to bring him a meal. laughter and thats the werd. cheers and applause that other guys got a great show for you tonight. Bryan cranston is here. And after the commercial break, theres going to be puppies. Real puppies. So stick around. Well be right back cheers and applause take on the mainstream. Introducing nissans new midnight edition. Starbucks narino 70 cold brew coffee. 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With nexium 24hr. cheers and applause stephen yeah welcome back, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right now cheers and applause right there oh, oh folks, i got to tell you, there is no mistaking a monday crowd. Thats it right here, theyre alive on the planet. Folks, you know im a huge animal lover. Thats why i do whatever i can to help out all the worlds creatures that i dont want to eat. laughter we recently did an immensely popular segment, where aubrey plaza and i tried to help find some adorable rescue dogs a home by telling you, the audience, some enticing lies about these puppies. laughter and heres something that is not a lie every single puppy featured in that segment ended up successfully adopted cheers and applause all of them thats it well, you know what . I would love to do that again sometime. If only there was another beloved celebrity who wanted to help rescue a bunch of puppies by lying about them. Did someone say Bryan Cranston . cheers and applause cheers and applause did you say Bryan Cranston . Stephen i cant tell. I cant tell at this point. cheers and applause yeah, bryan. Bryan. I had no idea that you were coming out here. Really . Its been booked for weeks. laughter stephen now that youre here, bryan, its time for another episode of rescue dog rescue cheers and applause welcome to rescue dog rescue. Quick reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Bryan, are you ready to get these guys a good home . No, stephen. Im ready to get these guys a great home cheers and applause stephen lets begin. Who do we have here, do we have the first puppy . Excellent oh audience reacts here we go oh hello this is grace, okay . If you have kids, grace is the puppy for you. Grace has the ability to sing the entire soundtrack to the 2010 disney hit movie tangled. Grace also knows all the lyrics to let it go from the movie frozen but will not sing it. cheers and applause oh, thats sweet. This is sterling. audience reacts yeah. You say, oh, now, but sterling is getting his life back together. Hes sober now. laughter but dont worry because he still loves to party. Party animal, which means youll always have a designated driver. Plus, because of his club days, he can get you anything you need. laughter but none for you, right . Right . Thats the old sterling. Right . Stay strong. Stephen who do we have here . This is columbus. audience reacts columbus is a very good wait a second, this is a cat no, no cats, no. laughter get him the hell out of here dogs only, no loving home for you, cat no no maybe conan will help you, not me another one. Dog. Dog. Wow. Stephen youve got to be firm. There are rules. Its rescue dog rescue, bryan. There are rules. Okay. Stephen this is scout. Scout is a hound mix who loves french cinema but, more importantly, this dog isnt a total dick about it. laughter scout can actually open your eyes to the value of godards work without making you feel small. Also, four legs perfect number for a dog. laughter who do we have here . Who do we have . Here we go. Aww. This is ginger. Ginger has benjamin button disease and memento disease. So every time you see her, shell be even cuter, and more excited to meet you for the first time. laughter and say howdy to poppy. Poppy, here are you . There you are, poppy oh, come on, poppy look at this mwah now, poppy is whats known as a norwegian wishing dog. And she only has one wish left, but it worked out pretty well for her previous owner, Lin Manuel Miranda cheers and applause stephen okay. Who do we have here . Oh, oh hey, cutie. This here is lady. Hi, lady lady is a hound mix that is also in show business. Currently, shes working as the second unit director on game of thrones laughter which means lady knows all the spoilers from season seven who dies . Whos the one who dies . Oh, but i loved himorher no ah and this, this is brody. Hi, brody. Come on, buddy. Oh, come on, brody. Thats it. Now, brody cant confirm that he was part of the mission that killed bin laden. laughter but lets just say that hes well traveled. Thank you for your service. laughter stephen and who do we have here . Whos up next . All right. Who do we have here . Oh we have an adorable puppy. applause we have an adorable puppy. This is columbus. And columbus has a note and the note say, i am a puppy, not a kitten in a puppy costume. Well, that checks out. Which means columbus is also available for adoption whos a good doggy . Yes, you are so head to the late shows website www. Colbertlateshow. Com the dogs are all fine. Pay no attention to the yelling. For more information on how you can adopt all of these dogs today from the north Shore Animal League america. Bryan cranston, everybody. Well be right back with Bryan Cranston. cheers and applause Stella Artois has partnered with us at water. Org to help provide access to clean water to women and their families in the developing world. We can be the generation remembered for ending the global water crisis once and for all. Ima wade, ima wave through the waters tell the tide, dont move Freedom Freedom i cant move freedom, cut me loose Freedom Freedom where are you . Cause i need freedom too Freedom FreedomFreedom Freedom what you want from me . Is it truth you seek . Oh father can you hear meee. Ooow . Drop and give me 50. Whats in it for me . Sir excuse me well, thanks to hotels. Com ive gotten used to being rewarded. Thats right. What did you just say private . Hes a captain, sir a captain . Where . On tv. Following orders isnt always rewarding. But hotels. Com is. 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Thats why were working every day to make pg e the safest Energy Company in the nation. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy and Tony Awardwinning actor you know as walter white, dalton trumbo, and president lyndon johnson. Please welcome one of the finest, most distinguished actors of our generation, Bryan Cranston cheers and applause Bryan Cranston, everybody cheers and applause good to see you, stephen. Stephen bryan, good to have you here. Nice to be back. laughter stephen yeah, you know even just reading the introduction there, im just struck by what an extraordinary um what an extraordinary roster of work youve put up there. I mean, you always approach everything with just such tremendous heart and emotional honesty and a true a true core of truth. Well, thank you thank you, stephen. I do try to approach each character with a level of dignity and laughter stephen bryan, you look like youre having a little trouble with the helmet. Do you want to take the helmet off . I would really love to. laughter stephen okay. But i dont know how. laughter stephen let me give you a hand. I think theres a little latch right here. Hold on just a second. Hold on. Ow, ow, ow cheers and applause thank you. Stephen there you go, there you go. Thank you, stephen. Stephen now, this takes me to my first question, which is, youre in is it sabans Power Rangers. Yes, sabans Power Rangers. Stephen which power ranger . What makes you ask that question . laughter stephen oh, i saw an ad. Oh, yeah right, yeah. Stephen very