Eat crackers you highsodium bastard its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes tracy morgan Timothy Simons and musical guest dan auerbach. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen yeah, wooo cheers and applause stephen hey how are you . cheers and applause stephen hey, whats up . Good to see you. Whats going on . Thank you very much. You cannot keep a friday crowd down. Thats the problem right there. cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is. cheers and applause it is friday. I think we all need a weekend. Except james comey. His started on tuesday. laughter and ever since comey was fired, folks at the f. B. I. Have been feeling pretty demoralized. In fact, when asked for a comment, one veteran f. B. I. Agent told a reporter, who cares . Nothing matters. No one knows anything. Everything sucks. laughter i believe we have a photo of that agent laughter come on, f. B. I. Theres got to be something that would cheer you up. Youve got those storage lockers filled with cocaine and bootleg dvds. Just stay up all night and watch all the harry potter movies on fast forward. Its fun to watch them age. And you can understand why moral is low at the f. B. I. Its not just comeys firing, its how donald trump did it. He sent his longtime private Security Guard to deliver the termination letter in a manila folder to f. B. I. Headquarters. If you ever want to know if youre the villain in a movie, ask yourself this question , do i have a private squad of goons who terminate people . A Senior Intelligence official said, its not just that they removed him. Its that they did it in the most thuggish and humiliating way possible. I think that was designed to send a message cut this bleep out or this will happen to you. this is like horse head in the bed. Its like the godfather, only in this one, nobody respects the don. cheers and applause yes. Right . But yesterday, sean spicer standin and star of a onewoman show about marie osmond, Sarah Huckabee sanders, denied that theres a problem with morale at the f. B. I. Ive heard from countless members of the f. B. I. That are grateful and thankful for the president s decision. Stephen countless . I have a calculator here. Let me help you count. Go ahead. Ive certainly heard from a large number of individuals, and thats just myself. And i dont even know that many people in the fbi. Stephen okay, okay, a large number of people you know, and that is a small number of people that you know, and that adds up to. Yeah, its bleep . laughter applause thats math. Thats not me. Thats math. Jon if you do the math, you get the right answer. Stephen the question is, who will replace james comey now . We need a head of the f. B. I. Its a huge organization. Some are speculating that it might be Chris Christie or rudy giuliani. booing or as i call them, tweedle dee and rudy giuliani. laughter applause i personally it would be exciting to see those guys back on the national stage. I think he should appoint both of them. Giuliani can ride christies shoulders like master and blaster. It does feel like the aftertimes. And americans arent the only ones who are shocked about the comey firing. So is the rest of the world. A british paper called comeys firing a brazen attack on the rule of law. An israeli paper described trump as a president who doesnt play by any rules. And a headline in the netherlands read, vrees voor doofpot na onstlag fbitopman. laughter i dont speak dutch, but i think i know who the doofpot is. laughter applause oh, my gosh. And the turmoil back here in the states is really hard on u. S. Ambassadors. Like the u. S. Ambassador to qatar, dana shell smith, who tweeted, increasingly difficult to wake up overseas to news from home, knowing i will spend today explaining our democracy and institutions. It does sound hard. That sounds like a tough gig. Jon thats a tough one. Stephen let me try to help you out, ambassador. I can explain our government to the people of qatar america is run by a group of powerful men, many of whom are very religious, doing whatever they can to protect their oil industry. Im not sure if you can relate to that. applause now, i dont i dont we always have a fair number of qataris in the audience here. Now, i dont do this often, but i do need to pause for a moment and make a correction. We did a joke on wednesday about sean spicer avoiding reporters by hiding in the bushes. It had been reported that he was hiding in the bushes after comey was fired. Okay. Well, the Washington Post has since updated that report, saying, editors note spicer huddled with his staff among bushes on the white house grounds, not in the bushes. laughter its a subtle difference. Ill show it to you. If you bring the bushes out here, guys. Thank you very much. He wasnt hiding in the bushes, okay . He was hiding among the bushes, okay . Totally different. You see how much more reassuring this is . This is perfectly dignified. And sean spicer hiding is a great way to teach kids about prepositions. Sean spicer hides among the bushes. laughter sean hides next to the bushes. And my favorite, sean hides from the bushes, because one of the bushes asked him a question about james comey. cheers and applause hello remember, sean. Theyre not laughing at you. Theyre laughing among you. laughter applause thank you, thank you. cheers thank you, gentlemen. applause , of course, trump isnt the only politician trying to sell you something, because bill clinton and James Patterson are teaming up to write a novel. Its called the president is missing. Thats. Much more dignified than the original title, have you seen my husband . Well, we got an advance copy of the book. Lets see if we can detect bill clintons influence on the classic patterson thriller. Here we go. clears throat chapter two. Really hot. Ken brantley swung his agile body onto the roof. He smiled, thinking of the moment he would corner his mark and take him out with a single shot. He also smiled because he was thinking of boobs. laughter brantley shook his head, determined to focus on the threat ahead. Butts are cool, too, he thought laughter theyre like boobs on your back. stay focused, ken, he told himself. youve got a boob to do. I mean, a job to butt. dammit and he shoots the guy. And he shoots the guy. applause thats an actual book. Speaking of books. Any game of thrones fans out there . applause me too. That show has everything great characters, pulsepounding action, fleeting moments when no one is naked. So i was excited to learn that hbo is developing several game of thrones spinoffs. This is perfect for all of the people who watch game of thrones and think, there just arent enough character names for me to keep straight. laughter and what will these new spinoffs be about . Well, apparently, they will explore different time periods of george r. R. Martins vast and rich universe. That is exciting. Maybe now well finally find out which time period hes dressing for. Im going to say steampunk newsie in nazioccupied brooklyn. Well, we here at the late show because were in show business were in show business we here at the the late show have obtained an exclusive first look at these new game of thrones spinoff tv shows. First up, what happens when the most exciting character in game of thrones moves in next door to tim allen . Thats my dragon next, spring is here, and that means nuptials. Follow real brides on their journey to their big day in say yes, to the red wedding dress. And, of course, everyone loves Police Procedurals and undead zombie armies and tight jeans and karate, so get ready for white walker, texas ranger laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Stick around. Tracy morgan is here cheers and applause watch out tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees for your unlimited plan . Only tmobile gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. Thatll save you hundreds. Get two lines for a hundred dollars. Thats right. Two lines of unlimited data. A hundred bucks. All in. And right now, were giving you even more. For a limited time, get a free Samsung Galaxy s8 when you buy one. Thats two galaxy s8s for the price one plus, two lines of unlimited data for a hundred bucks. Taxes and fees included. Only at tmobile. Internet speeds 20x faster. At t fiber sounds amazing. Wait a sec, im not done yet. Less than 12 of at t homes actually qualify. Huh. Hold on. Everyone else gets our other, slower internet speeds. But no one reads this stuff anyway. Except for the old guy with the binoculars. Huh. We got ourselves a reader. Dont be fooled by at t. band playing cheers and applause stephen oh, hey jon batiste and stay human, right there, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause my friend. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from saturday night live and 30 rock, and now hes got a new standup special, staying alive. Please welcome the one and only tracy morgan applause shes a brick house cheers and applause stephen nice to see you. Nice nice digs i like this stephen it is a nice place, isnt it . It is. Stephen were renting to own. You were at the Kentucky Derby last weekend. Oh, yeah, i was there, man. I was disappointed, though. I was there with my family. You know, i went there and i bet on seabiscuit, and they said, hes no longer with us. And i said, when did this happen . Im upset. Stephen they should let you bet on anyone you want. I say the secretariat. They said he isnt with us. Stephen place the bet anyway and demand really big odds. I went to the race and bet it on mayweather. Hes not a horse you. Stephen cant go wrong. I bet mayweather could take a horse. That piece. You remind me of j. J. From good times. I love j. J. Damn, damn, damn stephen jon j. J. Was hip. He was cool. Yes he was. He cant play like me, though. No, he cant. Stephen hes not dead. Hes still alive. Jimmy walker . Stephen hes still alive. He went to my high school. Stephen that means hes dead. What do you mean . Youre talking about him in the past tense. Jimmy walker is still alive. Jimmy come out here. No, no, no jimmy better not come out here. What is jimmy doing on the coal bay show. I dropped out of high school. Stephen you did. I dropped out of high school with four credits to go. I loved it. I loved dropping out so much, i wish i could go back and drop out again. I might have been stuck in a job lifting heavy box s. Stephen this should be a p. S. A. You do for the children kids, dont listen to your parents. I love when the plan comes together. Stephen i barely graduated from high school. You did. Stephen yeah, if i hadnt aced my final exams my time year, would still be in high school right now. Im not joking. I was a total neerdowell. Until recently. High school taught me how to pick up chicks. Stephen how to pick up girls. Were you an athlete . Yes. Stephen what was your sport. Track and field. I thought i was carl lewis but i wasnt. I ran that fast running from the bullies, you know. Being bullied. And then i learned how to be funny so that kept the bully offs my back. It was either that, or cook them hot dogs upstairs. Cheese burgers and stuff like that. laughter gla. Stephen yeah. I dont understand that part. What do you mean cooking the hot dogs and the cheeseburgers . You mean for the bullies . Yeah, dont beat me up. Come and eat hot dogs and pork and beans. Stephen thats a really unique response to bullys. I never heard that before. True grit. I was a dude in high school. I would scalp lunch ticket s. Stephen you would scalp lunch tickets . How did that work . Did you make money on that . I would bring 20 to school and buy all the lunch books at home room. My lunch tickets were shot, weps sloppy joes and tatter tot s. Stephen if they ran out of tickets i was there. Who needs tickets . Who needs tickets . Just like yankee stadium. Who needs tickets . Who needs tickets . People still owe me money from lunch ticket. Stephen so you would let them get it on credit. You you cant do that. Sometimes. It was like owning a bor diego in the ghetto. Its true. You give credit, you never go hungry. Stephen you started Everybody Knows you got your big break on s. N. L. Do you remember your audition . I remember your audition because i was there. Upper. Stephen you and i were both there in the final callback going to network in 1996 . I never worked with you oh, you didnt get to my bad. laughter im sorry you didnt get the job applause im sorry of. Stephen i forgotta that part of the story, tracy. Thanks so much for reminding me. Every savvy jewish man is supposed to love one black man in his life im glad he chose me. Stephen he didnt love eddie murphy . I dont know. I wasnt there stephen but i remember you auditions. I remember you auditions. I thought im not going to get this job. Were too alike. Wow. Yeah, i remember seeing you in the ghetto. Stephen yeah. And i said, what happened . What did you all do stephen the ghetto was writing for Norm Mcdonald on weekend update. Oh, yeah. Stephen i ended up doing that for one month writing for norm. That was good. Those were good times. Those days are still important to me. My days on saturday night live are still important to me now. cheers and applause still important to me now. I love lorne michael. Stephen how long were you there . I was there for seven seasons. Stephen people dont understand a lot of work. Its really exhausting. You guys pull unbelievable hours. If you are married and youre on s. N. L. Shes basically a widow. Youre there 24 7 because the show knows it can change your career in 60 seconds. And they when i first got there, people would tell me, well, you know you have to have a reoccurring character. I said, first it has to occur. laughter what if it never occurs stephen you had a character brian fellow who loved animals. Im brian fellows. applause . Stephen thats kind of real. You do like exotic animals. I understand you had an octopus. I have an octopus. I loved marine life since i was younger because my greatgreatgreat grandfather was jacques yo cousteau. Stephen your special on net fliction is called staying alive. Were coming up on three years from the terrible accident where you lost your friend and you were in a coma for how long, six, seven days . 10 days. Stephen how does that make you feel about life itself . Do you have a different approach to being alive every day now . Well, ive always felt this way. I mean, it was way before walmart. I just embraced life. I dont know nothing about death. And i got close to it. So i embraced it even more now. I love everybody, man. I dont care who you are. I love you. applause i love you, and you cant do nothing about it. Thats how i feel. Stephen thats beautiful. So some people say that when they they go through a coma, that they emerge from it a different person. Did you is there anything about the way you saw the world different when i came out . Listen, my family is everything for me. I was fighting hard. I fought hard in that coma to come back. My daughter was only 10 months old, and i have a young wife and i need to be here for my sons. And i need to be here. I was fighting hard and im here. I feel good about that. I miss you all. I missed doing comedy. Stephen are you are you a believer in god . I always been a believer in god. Hes my main man. Stephen all right. Hes my main man. Hes a hard ass, because hes old testament. Jesus is new testament. Hes a cool dude. I was smoking with jesus. Stephen i havent met him. Youll meet him. I heard you got a beef with trump. Stephen what . I heard you got a beef with trump . Stephen who doesnt . Hes the president he is the president and im going to follow his example. Thats why ill going to file for bankruptcy north going to pay my taxes and grab the women by their crotch, because i have to do my part to make America Great again cheers and applause do my part stephen a beautiful message. Thats a beautiful message. Well, trace hold on for one minute. Stephen you got something . Hold on. Stephen what have you got . Whats up, obama. I put the wiretaps where you told me to put them . Stop yelling at me mr. Former president. Obama. Stephen do you talk to obama a lot . Yeah, i talk to obama a lot. Hes my man. We went to high school affect. Stephen he graduate, though, right . He graduated, i dropped out. Stephen you said that you had you said you had a 10monthold when you went into the coma. She is almost four now . I would say . She will be four july 2. Stephen did you take her down with you, too . Thats my baby girl. Thats my wife right there. Stephen i know. Im going to get her pregnant tonight. laughter its hard stephen happy mothers day you have a beautiful, young its difficult when you have a beautiful young wife like that, that you are madly in love with, because it puts you at a disadvantage in the relationship. Stephen what do you mean . Youre not ever going nowhere. I aint leaving that. I might talk junk like im going to leave. The other day i teller,you keep treating me the way you treating me, im going ill be sitting right there. I wont be going nowhere. I dont need to go to no high school. I got hit by a walmart truck. laughter . Stephen did you take your daughter . Did you tack a fouryearold to the derby . Yeah. Stephen what was that like . She is very nice. My daughter was really relaxed. She was with her mom and dad. Shes not one of them rowdy wild kids. She was okay with us. Stephen youre okay to travel with a young kid. She doesnt bother you anything like that . Yeah. Stephen these shooez good on the plane. But the planes are getting violent. You see all the fights happening in the airports and on planes. You dont even have to go to vegas to Sea Mayweather fight. Just go to dealt. That last fight, that dude a straight left hook, left jab. I said, wooo they dont even give you the p. A. Announcement on the plane nowhere. Theres a voice that goes, lets get ready to rumble laughter applause stephen very nice. Hey, i understand this is kind of exciting news i understand that youve got a project with jordan peele. Whats that going to be . Tbs, we have a serious on tbs with jordan peele. I talked to him today. Its going to be very nice. Its grounded and funny. Its my life. Its called the last o. G. And you all are going to enjoy it. Me, cedric the entertainer, tiffany haddish. Its going to be beautiful. Stephen have you seen get out . Yeah, i saw get out. That was scary. It was like watching the exorcist. My dad took me to see the exorcist. And hes smoking a joint next to me and im watching this girls head turn around. Traumatized me for life. I was scared of little white girls for years stephen well, get out will not help that. No. But thats my main man. Congratulations, jordan. I love you. Stephen tracy, thank you so much for being here. Congratulations to you. Th