Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes Jennifer GarnerDemetri Martin and Paula Poundstone. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen hey hey stephen yes hey, everybody thank you so much. Oh, listen to that. Listen to that. Weve been keeping this audience weve been keeping this audience in the crisper. They are absolutely fresh. You cant mistake a friday audience. Jon you cant mistake a friday audience. cheers and applause . Stephen thats explosive. Welcome to the late show, ladies and gentlemen. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy friday this is a big friday because donald trump has left on his first overseas trip as president. And i hear theres a whans that when he returns, hell still be president. laughter and with trump gone, you know what that means we have the whole country to ourselves for the weekend. cheers and applause party at the White House Party at the white house you know, you know pence is throwing a rager this weekend. laughter lets see. First place trump is going is ies going to saudi arabia firt where he wants to unite the muslim world with a speech on radical islam. laughter the idea is to unite our islamic friends against our islamic enemies. I love muslims. Okay. Thats why i call you radical. and im hearing great things about this muhammed guy. I really am. I cant wait to meet him. Im having dinner with him and frederick dougulous las. I hear theyre both great. And im sure the speech will strike just the right tone because its being drafted by stephen miller, who played a key role in creating the administrations travel ban on citizens from muslim countries. booing and, ive just been told the speech has been blocked by a federal judge. Oh, well. Oh, well. So close so close after the president s done uniting the muslim world with one speech, its off to israel to smooth over that little kerfuffle with the palestinians. Should be a breeze. Hes got this one in the bag. We all remember how confident mideast conflict. Lets see if we can find the solution. Its, uh, something that i think is, frankly, uh, maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years. Stephen obviously, not as difficult. Have you tried unplugging the west bank and plugging it back in . Just jiggle it. Just jiggle the gaza strip. One of these. But the israeli visit might get a little tense at times, too, since it came out this week that israel is the source of the secret intelligence trump gave to the russians. But im sure itll be fine. Its not like people over there hold grudges for thousands of years. laughter lets see, after israel oh, this is fun hes off to meet the pope. And i think trump will like the vatican. It has almost as much Gold Furniture as his apartment. laughter and no question, the stakes of this trip are high. According to one official involved in the planning, this has to go well. Theres not a lot of room to fail. Hey, trump has proven he doesnt need much room to fail, just 140 characters. Seems to do it. applause to make sure trump reads his daily briefings for this trip, sources say that for this trip, National SecurityCouncil Officials have strategically included trumps name in as many paragraphs as we can because he keeps reading if hes mentioned. laughter that is a true story. Apparently, the only thing that can overcome trumps short Attention Span is his crippling narcissism. But, of course, if they want him to understand that, theyll have to call it his crippling trumpicism. But before he left, the president held a joint press conference with president Juan Manuel Santos of colombia or as trump calls it, mexicos hotter sister. laughter thats what he says, not me. Thats what he says. I think theyre both very hot. laughter and in the light of the appointment of a special counsel to investigate collusion with russia, he had this to say there is no collusion between certainly myself and my campaign. Stephen okay. laughter any collusion between your mouth and your brain . laughter cheers and applause jon wow stephen wasnt the question, sir. Wasnt the question. But trump did face this direct question about the firing of james comey. Did you at any time urge former f. B. I. Director james comey in any way, shape, or form to close or to back down the investigation into Michael Flynn . And, also, as you look back no, no. Next question. laughter stephen sir, you know you cant do that on the witness stand, right . Mr. Trump, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing butthe truth . No, no. Next question. Stephen meanwhile Congressional Republicans are still trying to keep their campaign promise, for instance, cutting spending. Take this bold idea from North Carolina congressman and conservative letting it all hang out, mark walker. Walker recently tweeted this photo of a ramp for baby ducks at the u. S. Capitol reflecting pool with the caption if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be government waste. First of all, it doesnt look like a duck. It looks like a ramp. laughter and the reason baby ducks need the ramp is that ducklings get into the water, and then cant get out. They will drown from exhaustion or die of starvation unless they have a way to get out of the water. Which explains congressman walkers Upcoming Campaign slogan walker 2018 die, baby ducks applause bold. Its bold. In response thats a nono. Thats all right. Thats a lot of baby duck haters tonight. In response to walkers tweet, the u. S. Capitol released this video of the wasteful spending in action. Look at you youre we have thing our money now, walker does have a point. Ducks have been leeching off the system forever. Theyre constantly having eggs out of wedlock, living on handouts from old men in parks, and im not comfortable with how much time they spend in the bathtub with our children. Stick around, weve got a great show. Jennifer garner is here. But when we come back, well have a visit from our old friend tuck buckford. applause yeah, at first i thought it was just the stress of moving. [ sighs ] hey, i was using that. What, you think we own stock in the Electric Company . I will turn this car around right now theres nobody back there. I was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] its. Been an adjustment, but were making it work. You know, progressive. Com makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . We, the entertainmentloving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. Because those are the best rooms. Because they have tvs in them. And, when were not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Get a directv allincluded package for 4 rooms. Only 25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. Available for at t unlimited plus customers. 60 of women are wearing the w. Experience leaks. Introducing always my fit. Find the number thats right for your flow and panty size on the top of any always pack. The better the fit, the better it protects. Always. Codogs just wont quit. neither does frontline. Thats why theres frontline gold. With its easy applicator frontline gold delivers powerful protection that doesnt quit for a full 30 days. Its triple action formula is relentless at killing fleas and ticks. Frontline gold. The latest innovation from the maker of frontline plus. For persistent protection you can trust. Good boy go for the gold. Frontline gold. Available at your vet. band playing cheers and applause jon batiste and stay human. And the manhattan sound machine. Jon yeah stephen welcome back, everybody. Thats the best band on television right there, bar none. cheers and applause jon yeah. Stephen jon, im super excited about our friend Jennifer Garner coming out here in just a minute. Jon oh, yes, indeed. Thats going to be fun. Stephen did i ever tell, lovely, talented, fantastic of course just the nicest person. You know how i know this . She was when my wife and i were young and had our first baby, our daughter, she was our babysitter. Jon wow. Stephen yeah. Jon really . Stephen well get into oltime talk so of so stick around for that. Yeah, there are some stories. You know, folks, i like to give you good news when i can. And im sad to say theres some bad news for radio host and shrieking funnel cake, alex jones. laughter for those of you who are unfamiliar with joness. Work, this is it im gonna tell me what ill nasty i get. Man, i just wish that, uh growling yeah sick of people pushing their guilt on me when i hadnt done nothing to you, you filth, projecting onto me all your sick fantasies of control, you garbage were gonna organize, humanitys gonna come together. Ahhhhhhhhhh were coming for you, globalists were coming for ya coming for ya they want to shatter your mind, talking about Justin Bieber its pure evil laughter stephen spoken like a man who has been freebasing pure bieber. Anyway, hes a terrible person who lies for a living. And for the first time this week, jones had to answer for one of his mad ramblings because he just settled a defamation lawsuit filed against him by greek yogurt manufacturer chobani. Which explains their new flavor cash on the bottom. laughter chobani sued his ass, and his company, infowars, for spreading the false story that they imported migrant rapists and spread tuberculosis. Thats ridiculous. Thats yoplaits game. One of the terms of jones settlement is that he was forced to apologize to chobani. So he put on his sunday best and used his most humble growl to say this during the week of april 10, 2017, certain statements were made on the infowars twitter feed and Youtube Channel regarding chobani l. L. C. That i now understand to be wrong. The tweets and video have now been retracted and will not be reposted. On behalf of infowars, i regret that we mischaracterized chobani, its employees, and the people of twin falls, idaho, the way we did. Stephen that was one of the most sincere apologies ever to have been read off the back of a napkin. But i understand what alex is going through because, recently, under threat of lawsuit, my rightwing satirical character, tuck buckford, also had to apologize for some slanderous claims he made. And i believe we have the courtordered video. That, brain fighters is how the lesbian conspiracy has maintained its vice grip on our nation. Its how they reproduce, okay. Its their demon seed. Now, a sincere, forced apology. laughter during the period of my entire career, certain statements were made on the brain fight twitter feed youtube page, company skywriter, and also from my enormous man mouth with its man words. And im now legally required to understand those words to be wrong. So i will now off the issue of the following corrections. I regret that i mischaracterized virgin airlines. I do know now that they do not use their planes to spray clouds of viagra on to our nations playgrounds to incite an antigovernment revolution of unstoppable middle school sex warriors. My bad. In addition, i have learned that fruit by the foot is not made out of reptilian skin shed by george soros. But i stand by the idea that george soros skin would be a delicious and nutritious treat. laughter actor Jeff Goldblum is not a robot controlled by islamic fieldmice. I have no idea what the religion of those fieldmice is. My apologies. laughter i also see now, for the first time, that wise is not coding the inside of its potato chip bags with an emasculating chemical polymer in an attempt to reduce our genitals into hairless mounds easily controlled by psychic, huma abedin. Nice true, huma. The Chicago Bulls do not spend their free time slamdunking newborn babies into vaccination machines. The fact that the sky is blue and that clouds are white is not an attempt by the israely mossad to take over heaven and convert jesus back to judaism. Stay strong, j. C laughter the movie marley and me is not filled with satanic imagery meant to make white couples of reproductive age think that theyre golden retrievers so they will have themselves spade and neutered. And i am especially sorry to the good people at breakstone cottage cheese, okay. I said that they were colluding with the u. S. Geological survey to conceal listening devices at the bottom of each and every delicious tub, okay. But as i have learned, as you can see, there is nothing in here. Theres no listening device. Just sweet mmm creamy kurds, okay. Also, in case of permanent windburn. It makes the most amazing, most soothing shaving cream you can imagine. Look at that. Like shaving a baby. If youre going to shave your baby which i highly recommend rm do not use anything by the jerkins corporation, jerkins has a listening device right in the pump handle and the only way to destroy the listening device is with your stomach enzymes. Wooooo i can see forever laughter brain fight, brought to you by casper not the internet mattress company. Im talking about the adolescent ghost you can summon to protect your daughter from immigrant boyfriends. cheers and applause stephen thank you, tuck. Well be right back with Jennifer Garner. Hes a good man. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol® i am benedict arnold, the infamous traitor. And i know a thing or two about trading. So i trade with e trade, where true traders trade on a trademarked trade platform that has all the. Get off the computer traitor i wont. cannon sound mobility is very important to me. Thats why i use e trade mobile. Its on all my mobile devices, so it suits my mobile lifestyle and it keeps my investments fully mobile. Even when im on the move. Sign up at etrade. Com and get up to six hundred dollars. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back. cheers and applause welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. Im awfully excited. My first guest is the golden globe winning actor you know from alias and i know as an extremely reliable babysitter. She now stars in the film, wakefield. Please welcome Jennifer Garner cheers and applause stephen its so nice to have you here. Thank you. Stephen i have wanted to sit across a desk from you for so long. I know. It really has been a long time. Stephen well, lets quickly tell the people here how we know each other. Yes im sure they remember. Stephen sure, you must remember im sure you guys must remember we were both guest stars in an episode of spin city. You all saw it, right . Stephen 1996, Something Like that. 1996. Stephen 1996, back when spin city was rocking. It was. It was a big deal. I was a cat lady stephen you were the girlfriend of one of the cast members. And who were you . You wore a suit glifs like the governors assistant or Something Like that. And i had maybe 10 lines in the episode and you had stephen two. Two right here, right here, baby. Stephen you were the big star. Right. Stephen so at the wrap party when the whole thing is over, for that weeks episode, you said, well, im out of a job. And i said,im out of a job, too. And i said, and i have a baby. And you said. I baby sit. Stephen so you started babysitting. See how it went. Stephen for me and this is this is how you survive as an actress. By the way, did evy ever Learn Italian . I stephen oh, yes, she dshe did. She took italian classes. I bab sat on italian classes night. Stephen all she remembers i think is mi marito. I traded off with my roommate depending on who was working in the restaurant karina who is still bestie. Godmother to my kids. Stephen hi. Hi. Stephen and then one day you came and you said, i got a new agent yes. Stephen he wants me to go to l. A. And i did. Stephen and we said bye. Stephen that poor thing. Because you were so nice you are so nice. Youre not formerly nice. Youre present nice. By the way you were so nice stephen we thought los angeles will devour her. You were, like, straight from west virginia. It did, yes tdevoured me. But im okay. Im all right. But i just remember your gorgeous little girl. She was such a peanut. She was really smart. She was very stephen he still is. She was very verbal and very stephen she still is. She was. And she was precocious and adorable. And i remember the two of us, like, going into your drawers, and trying on your clothes. laughter stephen you dont have any photos of that or anything, do you . No . So you go out to l. A. , and were like, okay, thats it, well never hear from Jennifer Garner again. Shes very talented and everything but too nice for los angeles. I that you want the same thing. Stephen a few years passed by, and you had done some work. I come out of the lincoln tunnel, and there eight stories on the side of a building on 42nd street is you in the alias in a red wig, in the gray cat suit, like, doing this thing. Looking you know, super sexy. And i pretty much drove up on the sidewalk. And when i got to bodega to get my coff they morning for work, it was, like, the tv guide had the same picture. Isnt that the coolest . I mean, imagine, that moment when things shift for you like that, when you go from, you know, baby sitting and struggling to all of a sudden being that was really fun. Stephen and everybody must have known that that was going to be a huge breakout role for you because you were everywhere. Well, it was j. J. Abrams. He kind of knows what hes doing. Stephen so i buy the tv guide and i take it home and i cover your name on it. You have the red wing and the cat suit. Come on. Stephen and i showed it to evy i never told you this story . No. Stephen and i showed it to evy my wi