Sorry. Stephen so do i, yeah. laughter whats that button do . I dont know, man. I just do cokes and sandwiches. I heard it either starts stephens show or blows up the sun. But, i mean, only an idiot would press that, right . explosion its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes jon stewart, john oliver, samantha bee, ed helms and rob corddry. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen woo hey whats going on . cheers and applause how are you . Whats going on, man . Jon whats going on . Stephen how was your weekend . Jon great. audience chanting Stephen Stephen hey welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than ten minutes ago. F. B. I. Director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. cheers and applause jon wooo stephen wow, huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. That shows no gratitude at all. Jon man. Stephen i mean, did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about . I mean thanks for the presidency, jimmy. Now dont let the door hit you where the Electoral College splits you. laughter im shocked. My heart is pumping. My pulse is racing. He fired the f. B. I. Director who has said under oath that hes investigating the trump campaigns ties to russia. No rationale has been given yet as to why, but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. audience boos i think i think i might know why. I think he was fired because comey couldnt guess the name rumplestiltskin. laughter now, trump sent comey a letter in which he writes stephen does everything have to be about him . While i greatly appreciate you telling me that i am an amazing lover laughter i am leaving you for a younger woman, on the advice of the department of justice. laughter now, well have more on this tomorrow when they scramble to cover the whole thing up. But laughter but speaking of coverups, speaking of coverups, this whole trump campaignrussia tie thing will not go away, no matter how many times trump tweets that the whole thing has gone away. The latest is former National Security adviser and sam the eagle cosplayer Michael Flynn laughter see you at comiccon, sir. laughter flynn, youll remember, was fired after just 24 days because he lied about his connections to russia and he also failed to report money he received from russianlinked companies, including 45,000 for attending a gala dinner in moscow where he sat next to russian president vladimir putin. Really nice dinner, too. Jon man. Stephen yeah, it was so nice. No, no, no, it was a beautiful dinner. He got to choose between chicken, fish, or duffel bag full of untraceable cash. laughter yeah, glutenfree. Thats the glutenfree option. laughter well, yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, obama warned trump about hiring flynn. And it was just as effective as obama warning america about hiring trump. cheers and applause yeah. He seems persuasive. He seems persuasive. Just couldnt seal the deal. Okay, so if he did that, why didnt trump heed this warning . Sources say trump thought obama was joking. laughter oh, you know, that old joke why did the chicken cross the road . Hes working for the russians. And its actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume. laughter and obama wasnt the only one. In a Senate Hearing yesterday, former acting attorney general and future robin wright Award Winning performance, sally yates, said she also warned the white house about flynn. The russians also knew that general flynn had misled the Vice President and others. And that created a compromised situation, a situation wherein the National Security adviser essentially could be blackmailed by the russians. Stephen so yates told the white house that flynn was compromised, and he was fired immediately. 18 days later. laughter thats a lot of lag time. If only there was some quick catch phrase trump had for removing people from their jobs. laughter oh, i know youre not my son inlaw. applause but, out, out. I dont know. But trumps not worried about the testimony of sally yates or the testimony of former intelligence director james clapper, tweeting um, mr. President , a little tip when you put no evidence in quotes, uh, it really makes you seem innocent. laughter cheers and applause and to really drive the point home, trump photoshopped that tweet into his twitter banner. Um, if youre going to photoshop something into this picture, id recommend maybe a black person . laughter just just pretend just cheers and applause pretend its a college brochure. People are still angry about the Health Care Bill that Congress Passed last thursday. Is that when the house passed it, last thursday . People are still angry about that, and audience boos you were a little late, but thank you. And trump knows why. Ocare, of course, is an abbreviation for the words obama and cares if you die. laughter applause and House Republicans yay yay were gonna die and House Republicans are taking heat, like idaho congressman and hispanic dilbert, raul labrador. laughter youre mandating people on medicaid accept dying. You are making a mandate no one wants anybody to die. You know, that line is so indefensible. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. crowd boos stephen hes right. Hes right. They die from saying things like that to an angry mob with nothing to lose. laughter applause cheers jon cant say that. You cant say that. Stephen that is ballsy. Labrador defended his remarks, saying stephen oh, the problem isnt what he said. Its that it wasnt said elegantly. Let me try for just a second. Let me try. Uhhuh, uhhuh, uhhuh. laughter cheers and applause laughter this really messes with your depth perception. laughter here we go. Here we go. Nobody dies because they dont have access to health care. laughter elegant cheers and applause look where i lit it. Look where i lit it. There you go. laughter oh, that is some that is some good filter. laughter another defender of the bill was director of the office of management and budget and man asking god to strike him down now, Mick Mulvaney. This sunday, he told cbss John Dickerson why we shouldnt worry about the new Health Care Bill. The bill that passed out of the house is most likely not going to be the bill that is put in front of the president. So the president kept saying this is a great bill and its a good bill but its incomplete is what youre saying . No, im saying that the senate is part of the government. This is a bill that passed down to the house. You and i are about the same age, we remember School House Rock when we were kids, im just a bill, yes, im only a bill, were going to go through that process. Stephen yes, its just like School House Rock. laughter so, here to comment live from the capitol steps, please welcome bill, the republican Health Care Bill, everybody. cheers and applause bill, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me, stephen. Stephen now, bill let me just ask you something im just a bill, yes im only a bill. And im sitting here on capitol hill stephen i understand. But thats my song. I know its your song, bill. Its how youre known. But do you agree with Mick Mulvaney that you are not yet in your final form . Thats right, stephen. The house may have passed me, but now i go to the senate, and the whole thing starts all over again. Its a long journey, but i cant wait to be a law stephen bill, you should know, a lot of people dont like you. They dont . But, stephen im just a bill, yes im only a bill and im sitting here on cap stephen we know. Listen. Oh, thats right, we established that. laughter stephen now, bill, i have got to ask have you even read yourself . Well, no, i thought the congress would read me. Stephen well, they didnt, bill, and if you become law, 24 Million People could lose their health insurance. What . Thats terrible. Well, at least i cover pre existing conditions. Stephen no, you dont do that, either. My god, im a monster who created me . Stephen bill, i dont know how to tell you this, but donald trump. Is your father. laughter no thats not true thats impossible cheers and applause stephen read yourself, bill. Read yourself, bill. You know it to be true. Noooooooooooo stephen just calm down, bill, calm down. Its going to be all right. No, i have to be stopped. If no one else will do it, ill veto myself stephen no, bill no, bill, dont aaarrgghhh stephen oh, my god. Hes hes dead. No, im not. They made copies. Were all screwed stephen Health Care Bill, everybody. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Weve got jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, rob corddry, and ed helms stick around my sweethearts gone sayonara. This scarf all thats left to rememb. What. She washed this like a month ago the long lasting scent of gain. Now available in matching scents across your entire laundry routine. Its my dale call. [engine revving sounds] if youre on a diet of taking it up a notch. Thats way better than my duck call. Drink diet dew. The only diet with dew in it. , happiness is powerful flea and tick protection from nexgard. A delicious chew that protects for an entire month. Ask your vet for more information. Reported side effects include vomiting and itching. Nexgard. The vets 1 choice. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back to the show, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human right there. Thats the band right over there jon aaaaahhhh cheers and applause stephen oh, my god. I am there is there is an absolutely electric feeling in this building tonight. It is so incredible to see my old friends from the daily show here. Jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. cheers and applause we were all just talking backstage. None of us have aged a day. laughter and just seeing those guys, it just really takes me back. I mean, i can still remember my last day at the the daily show like it was yesterday. I cant put it into words but i can put it into flashback. Is this. Is this working . Can we do the effect, please, jim . Is that the. Thats the ahhhh. My final day. So many memories. But there comes a time when a man has to do something completely different the same character, half an hour later, half a block away. laughter courage. Okay, just got to pack up my lucky mug. laughter got to pack up my lucky box of free printer cartridges. laughter and my lucky tangerine ibook laughter the sleekest, most stylish product apple will ever make. cheers and applause there we go. Hey, stephen. cheers and applause stephen oh, hi, samantha bee. Getting ready to head out, stephen . Stephen yeah, samantha bee. I am. I cant believe youre leaving right in the middle of the george w. Bush administration. Theres never going to be another president this good for comedy. laughter i mean, this guy does something ridiculous, like, at least once a month. laughter you know, i know theres one thing for sure there is no scenario in which i will ever say, god, i wish george w. Bush was president. laughter cheers and applause hey, um, have you seen stephen you look great by the way. You look fantastic. Have you seen my yogurt . Stephen i have not seen your yogurt. No, i have not seen it. Okay. Hey, Stephen Stephen hey, rob corddry, hey, ed helms. cheers and applause whats up you guys . I cant believe youre leaving us, stephen. I mean, its crazy. Its like beyonce leaving destinys child. But were never going to hear from her again. laughter stephen thanks for stopping by to say goodbye, guys. Actually, we came because were fighting over which one of us gets your office. Stephen i just dont know how to choose. Come on, man. Im already ready to hang up my poster of my two favorite comedians. laughter bill cosby, and subway spokesman jared fogel. Stephen i know one thing, rob they will never let you down laughter hey, has anyone seen my yogurt . Stephen nope, nope, havent seen it. Hello there, chums. cheers and applause stephen hey how about that . Stephen oh, hey, look, its thats right, its me, steve carell, the lovely correspondent from the daily show in 2005. Why are you talking in that horrible british accent . Thats a good question. Because unlike you feebleminded chucklemonkeys, im off to hollywood to become a serious actor, but it is me, steve carell. laughter and i can prove that by saying something only steve carell can say, i have so much body hair, that there is an unbroken line of fur between my eyebrows and my ankles. laughter classic steve. Thats steve, yeah. Has anyone seen my yoghurt . Stephen uh, no, no. laughter oh, there we are. cheers and applause dont look at me dont look at me dont look at me im hideous stephen jon . Jon, what are you doing in there . The show is about to start . Were doing another show today . Yes, jon, its a daily show. You have to do it every day. Why every day . You could cover everything you need to say about politics in half an hour on a sunday night people would watch that . On a sunday . I doubt it. laughter or a wednesday at 10 30, 9 30 central. Everybody, shut up shut the bleep up shut your mouths shut up got it . laughter jon yes why are you eating our yogurts . laughter because right now, were a family. And if someones in need, were always there for each other especially you, steve carell. Thanks. laughter jolly good. But i guess im realizing that families grow up. Kids go off to college, or star in a billiondollar film franchise about a hangover. laughter 1. 42 billion. cheers and applause or an Academy Awardwinning franchise about a hot tub time machine. cheers and applause that won an Academy Award . Well, its still 2005, so you cant prove that it has not laughter i guess im realizing one day youll all spread your wings and leave me. And all ill have left of you is your yogurts. Five minutes to show time, people oh, my god. You get me footage of an old lady slipping on ice. One frozen granny fanny coming up, as steve carell always says. He always says that. All right, you guys give me three puns about Donald Rumsfelds penis. Okay, schlongald nutsfeld wrinkled shaftsfeld prickretary of prickfense, dingdong rumsballs brilliant no wonder we win emmys laughter all right. Stephen what about me, jon . What do i do . Stephen, i guess just arch your eyebrow or something. Makes people think youre smart. Stephen got it cheers and applause but first, before we do anything, our traditional pre show prayer. Hands in, everybody. Okay. Goooo, liberal agenda cheers and applause stephen stick around, everybody. All these people are on the show tonight. Well find out how much of what we just said was real. You could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and Bank Statements to refinance your home. Or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. Securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. Lift the burden of getting a home loan with Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper rocket] you might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter we, the device loving people want more than just unlimited data. We want unlimited entertainment. So we can stream unlimited action. Watch unlimited robots. Watch unlimited romance. If you are into that. But we also want more like. Unlimited hbo. Can i stop dying now mark . No can do mi amigo. Its unlimited. Besides you are really good at it james. Dont settle for any unlimited plan. Get at t unlimited plus. And, now get the amazing iphone 7 on us. P3 its meat, cheese and nuts. I keep my protein interesting. Oh yea, me too. I have cheese and uh these herbs. P3 snacks. The more interesting way to get your protein. Stephen hey cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight is a gentleman farmer, but you know him from his roles in the faculty, half baked, and death to smoochy. Please welcome jon stewart cheers and applause when i see your face mellow as the month of may cheers and applause oh, darling, i cant stand it when you look at me that way cheers and applause oh, baby when i see your face mellow as the month of may cheers and applause cheers im im not comfortable here. laughter i dont feel i dont feel comfortable. Stephen i am perfectly comfortable i know youre comfortable. I dont feel comfortable. Ill tell you, i dont feel comfortable. Stephen why . Ive been reading about you. Ive been seeing about you in the news. You have a potty mouth. laughter applause stephen that, i do. cheers and applause but might i say, i learned it from you, dad. laughter do you you know that james comey was fired by trump, right . What . laughter stephen did you i got a question for the audience. When i said that comey was fired by trump, you all cheered. Why . laughter is it because what he did to hillary . cheers and applause but you know hes investigating trumps campaigns ties to russia, which will now evaporate like cotton candy in the ocean. No, you know what youve got. audience boos they were riding a wave that was like a beginners surfers class where they were like, im standing up oh, no, wait oh, no, now im on my knees hang on. I hate that guy, i love that guy, but trump did it but they didnt know how to feel and it was interesting to watch. Stephen well, listen, you live on a farm now, okay. I dont stephen you live on a farm. I live in new jersey. laughter applause stephen there are farms in new jersey. No stephen you have a farm. You have a farm. But i dont stephen on a night like this when james comey has just been fired, do you miss, you know, doing a show like this . Because you used to, you know, talk about bleep . Now you literally shovel it. laughter do you miss do you miss like is tonight a night like, i want to get in there . There are nights where i find myself, sort of, impotently shouting into the abyss, which if you think about it, wasnt that different from what i did on a nightly basis. Stephen no, no, ultimately these sho