Underwear, with special leak guard blockade. Its the late wh Stephen Colbert. Tj miller. Oliver stone. Stone, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey cheers and applause hey whats going on, jon . audience chanting Stephen Stephen hello, everybody very nice. Very nice. piano riff cheering stephen folks, welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause there have been a lot of moments in Donald Trumps brief presidency that have raised eyebrows and lowered expectations. But im not entirely sure, but im going to guess things are really going poorly inside the white house right now because today he had his first full cabinet meeting. They usually have them earlier than this, but it was hard to schedule around all their meetings with the russian ambassador. But they got that ironed out. cheers and applause very popular guy. And for this meeting, they let in the cameras so every Single Person around the table could speak freely. Just whatever was on their mind. Good or bad just the honest, unvarnished truth. And, funny thing they all said this mr. President , my privilege to be here. Im deeply honored, and i want to thank you for your commitment to the american workers. On behalf of the entire senior staff around here, mr. President , we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing youve given us to serve your agenda. Mr. President , what an incredible honor it is to lead the department of health and Human Services at this time under your leadership. Mr. President , thank you for the honor to serve the country. Its a great privilege youve given me. Stephen and mr. President , we all want to thank you for having such a big, beautiful behyped laughter so all of us in the cabinet can smooch it at the same time. laughter theres one member of the administration who appreciates donald trump on a level no one else approaches. And when i ran, it was make America Great again, and thats what were doing, believe me. Were doing it, and were doing it at a much faster pace than anyone thought. I will say that never has there been a president , with few exceptions, in the case of f. D. R. , he had a major depression to handle. Stephen mr. President , dont sell yourself short. Since you got elected, many people have a major depression to handle. laughter and thats why were here. But i cant get over these fawning cabinet members. These are adults, some of them billionaires and theyre just happy to have their leashes yanked as cameras roll for the dear leader. I did not know that trump has a strict please check your balls at the door policy. laughter yes. applause this is nextlevel weird. An unprecedented public strokefest for an emotionally frail man. Okay . That is absolutely chilling, right, mark . Right, boss whatever you say. Its an honor cheers and applause piano riff stephen no more camera time for him. laughter stephen now, trump may be feeling insecure, but its not about james comeys senate testimony. Because trump never did anything wrong as he made clear at this press conference he did say under oath that you told him to let the flynn you said you hoped the Flynn Investigation i didnt say that. So he lied about that . Well, i didnt say that. I mean, i will tell you, i didnt say that. And did he ask you to pledge and there would be nothing wrong if i did say it according to everybody that i read today, but i did not say that. Stephen spoken like a man with nothing to hide. laughter applause officer, i did not steal that car, and there would be nothing wrong if i did because stealings not illegal, right . It is . Okay, then put me down for didnt do it. just check that box. Fill in ill do it. Didnt didnt do it. cheers and applause piano riff then trump went on the attack tweeting, i believe the james comey leaks will be far more prevalent than anyone ever thought possible. Totally illegal . Very cowardly yes, trump says comeys a coward. You want to attack somebody . Do it like a man. Tweet it from the toilet. laughter applause but theres no proof its on the toilet. By the weekend, the entire administration was joining in on what insiders called the comey is a pussy offensive. One trump insider explained, it minimizes comey and undermines the seriousness of his testimony and claims, the official noted, chuckling. You always know the hero of a story by who chuckles after everything they say. Were going to make America Great again. chuckles applause of course, namecalling is a longtime trump tactic little marco, lyin ted, crooked hillary, rudy giuliani. laughter he should apologize for that one. Cant call a man that. laughter so, comeys a coward and liar, because trump never said, i hope you let flynn go. Now, to corroborate this fact, lets go to oldest son and man who wants to just keep last night between us guys, donald trump, jr. When i hear the flynn comment you and i both know my father a long time. When he tells you to do something, guess what . Theres no ambiguity in it. Theres no, hey, im hoping you and i are friends. Hey, i hope this happens but you got to do your job. Thats what he told comey. Stephen he just contradicted everything donald trump just said usually donald trump does that. laughter of course, every president needs a way to blow off steam. When the pressure of the job gets on them. Trumps got an interesting one President Trump cant stop crashing parties at his golf clubs. The latest incident was saturday night trump dropped in on a wedding reception taking place at his bedminster new jersey golf club. Every wedding has a best man, but only a select few get the worst man. cheers and applause piano riff plus, you know what they say about weddings something old, something new, something orange, someone get him away from the bridesmaids laughter the only way we know about it is because people there posted pictures like this one on instagram. Its my day. Its my special day. Am i pretty . Get the cabinet in here to tell me im pretty. According to one guest, when trump arrived, the bride came running out, and he gave her a big hug and a kiss. audience reacts quick question which way was she running . Come on, come on laughter no, no, stop. Meanwhile, back at the white house. There was some Strange Communications from Deputy Press Secretary and substitute teacher whos not kidding around, mister, Sarah Huckabee sanders. Shes done a solid job filling in for sean spicer, and shes even adopted his approach to the english language, because this weekend, she tweeted this string of incomprehensible emojis symbols, and letters. Which is surprising. Why not stick to the white houses clear message of covfefe . applause its right there. Its all in there. A select few of us understand it. laughter piano riff but Huckabee Sanders gave an explanation in her next tweet this is what happens when your 3yearold steals your phone. First of all, he only seems like a 3yearold. Hes going to be 71 soon. Laug laughter cheers and applause true. But im not buying her explanation. Because ive cracked the code of what she tweeted. Remember, she works with sean spicer, and i think this is spicers escape plan. Leave the white house by boat, then drive four traffic lights to a second boat, then, once youve memorized your maps, lay low and watch a few episodes of castle, catch a prop plane from Easter Island to kyoto, hide out in a crack house, where youll meet a woman named lola kikklekuk, and im pretty sure fountain, train, traffic light, train, boat, train is for all the things hes willing to throw himself in front of instead of going back to work. cheers and applause good luck, sean. I hope you flamenco dancer all your cat with heart eyes. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Uzo aduba is here. Oliver stone is here, t. J. Miller is here. But when we return, ill talk about porn. cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody say hi to jon batiste and stay human right over there cheers and applause best band on television right there. Best band on television. applause yep, right there. applause well, folks, welcome back. Its time to move on to our next subject sex cheers and applause that was a trick. Now that ive got your attention pornography cheers and applause were learning a lot more about what clicks peoples hyperlink, thanks to one of the largest porn sites, whose name im not allowed say. And this is true. Cbs does not want me to say it, and i understand that. After all, it is a big hub for porn. It rhymes corn scrub, which is actually a popular genre of video on that website. laughter in a move people are calling the kinsey report of our time, the site has analyzed a decades worth of user data, granting us an unusual peek into the internets collective id. This report is full of fascinating details, including the fact that user rusty goldman of dayton, ohio is into some pretty freaky stuff. laughter sorry, rusty, just reporting the news. According to the data, if you watched all of the videos on the site end to end, it would take you 173 years. Though, of those 173 years, most people only watch the first two minutes. laughter the report shows that the election played a big part in peoples porn searches. For example, on election night, overall u. S. Porn traffic grew 10 after donald trump officially won the presidency. laughter of course, that election only happened because the russians searched for naive blonde willing to do anything. laughter also, when rumors of a pee tape involving donald trump first surfaced, searches for golden showers spiked by 289 . cheers and applause piano riff but im pretty sure most of those searches were my research department. I really want to find that tape. This data also gets into specifics by state, such as the favorite gay search term. In arizona its cholo, in oklahoma its cowboy, and in north dakota its gay beef which gets even more confusing when you learn that, in north dakota, gay beef is what they call chicken. laughter try the buffalo gay beef. applause but some of the most fun data they released was this map of each states most misspelled searches including lesian, lesbiam, lebsiam, anatur, step mon and, the most common, porm. Which is like porn but with a parmesan breading. Try the gay beef porm. So delicious well be right back with orange is the new blacks crazy eyes, uzo aduba cheers and applause band playing all across america more people are choosing nissan. Its americas best sales event at nissan the fastestgrowing auto brand in the u. S. A. Take on every day get 0 for up to 72 months on 13 models. Text blades to gillette on demand noo text to reorder blades. And get 3 off your first order with gillette on demand. You didnt know we had over 26,000 local activities listed on our app. Or that you could book them right from your phone. A few weeks ago, you still didnt know if you were gonna go. Now the only thing you dont know, is why it took you so long to come here. Expedia. Everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. [music volume rises] run in to get up to 50 percent off the entire store. [whistles] lets go hi, fashion. Old navy. So, your new prescription does have oh, like what . Ects. Youre gonna have dizziness, nausea, and sweaty eyelids. And in certain cases chronic flatulence. No sooooo gassy girl. So gassy. If youre boyz ii men, you make anything sound good. Its what you do. If you want to save 15 percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Next next cheers and applause band playing stephen hey thanks. Welcome back, everybody cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmyaward winner you know as suzanne crazy eyes warren in orange is the new black. Please welcome, uzo aduba cheers and applause cheers and applause band playing hi stephen welcome back. Nice to see you again. Thank you. Stephen first time we had you on was about a year ago. Yes. Stephen nice to see you again. You have now won two emmys for playing crazy eyes cheers and applause crazy. Crazy. Stephen congratulations about that. Are you getting tired of the emmys . That old thing . That old thing, yeah look how many you have. Yeah, its exciting every time. Our show is so exciting to do. We all have such a great time that weekend when we go out there. Stephen its great if you win. If you dont win, you go, this is stupid. No, no. laughter stephen but if you win its, like, its good to get together. Its so important to recognize each other. Its really nice. laughter well, speaking of important work and being recognized, we talked about how you ran track for b. U. Yes. Stephen and you just went back and gave the commencement speech. I did. Stephen what an honor. How long since you graduated . Its been 2005. So its been some time. Stephen yeah, 12 years. But i have been back a few times before that, but to go and actually be able to give that speech was really out of this world. Stephen its a tremendous honor. The school recognized you as somebody they wanted to be associated with publicly and, honestly, not every alumni gets that. laughter you have a message you wanted to kids to get. What was the overall message . The thing i thought was most important was about fear. You know, i remember sitting in those seats in that time, such a crucial time and youre so nervous about so many things coming up in your life and i just wanted them to understand that fear is not a real thing. It is something that stephen what do you mean fear is not a real thing . Its something that we build up inside of ourselves and we think its something that can paralyze us essentially. Stephen it definitely can, yeah. And stop you from doing the things you want to do, and i want them to know they should never stop trying for things, reaching for things because theyre afraid. Tafs a huge part of the speech. As scared as i was to be there. Stephen sure, because theres all this pressure that youre going to have a gem of wisdom for a younger generation. The speech is kind of for the parents, you know, who have invested. Exactly. Stephen and for the kids, and calming them down is not a bad thing to do. There are some things to be afraid of, obviously. For sure. Stephen sharks. Nakes. Stephen sure. F. D. R. Did not include that in his speech. At all. Stephen fear of snakes. And sharks. I want them to know, there are things to be afraid of but dont let those things stop you. Especially when youre going to into the industry of acting and music and art stephen were you terrified to do what youre doing now . The old saw is 95 of people who attempt to be actors are unemployed. Yes. Stephen so a one in twenty chance of getting any work let alone the two emmys. Have i scared you in retrospect . You have, youve scared me into wanting to give them back. laughter it was scary when i first started. Its like stepping into the unknown. You never know what youre getting into because youve never done it before, but it was the willingness to try is the important thing, and i was willing to try, and i just wanted these kids to understand, just go for it do. It freely. I had shown up there scared to death. When i got the epail to come and give the speech, i was terrified, you know, when it came in when i came in, they were, like, we would like you to be the commencement speaker. Stephen did you get an honorary doctorate . No. Stephen you have to go back. I think you forgot something exactly. laughter stephen i may have this wrong, but your name uzo aduba means the road is good . Yes. Stephen thats a great message for a commencement speech. Thank you. Stephen what does that mean to you, the road is good . And did you know your entire life thats what your name meant . Yes, its any full name which means the road is good. I got it for m for my birthday. laughter applause and when my parents named me, you know, they had come to america and survived so much which is uzo aduba, the journey was worth it. And now trying in this business, auditioning and a time quitting in my life, all was worth it because it arrived at this moment. Stephen auditions and working your way up in this business, you werent always doing the shows that got you the two emmys. Were there early more questionable roles you did . Because i took anything to get in front of a camera. Absolutely. The first acting job i had was in my High School Production of a secret garden, i played a ghost. Very proud of it. Stephdi lines . No, i did not. But i felt them inside. Stephen its a play about a ghost. Exactly. If i were given the chance to speak, this is what i would say. Stephen the new season was released this past friday. Yes. Stephen orange is the new black. Yes. cheers and applause stephen okay. Season 5. Season 5. Stephen what can we expect from the new season . Ooh, okay. We can expect no spoilers. We can expect the show takes place over three days, which is not how its gone in the past. Stephen the whole seasons here. The whole season, 72 hours, thats the entire show. Stephen last seasons spoiler ended with the inmates taking over the prison. Thats exactly right. So now we pick up right at that moment and we see the prisoners, they take control of the prison, and theyre in power, and we get to see what each of these women do when they have power or become empowered. Stephen we have a clip in here. Can you tell us whats going to happen in this one . This clip is about the blue sky. The sky the blue. Stephen the sky is blue, jim. Again, id like to point out how a good nights rest might solve a myriad of emotional issues you think your feelings are real, but theyre not. Trust me. Its, like, the sky is bring, right . But when there are clouds, you think its grey, but really its still blue. It hasnt changed, its just covered with grey clouds passing by. Now, the clouds are your feelings. The sky is how it really is. cheers and applause stephen its lovely to see you again. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. Stephen season 5 of orange is the new black is streaming now on netflix. Uzo aduba, everybody well be right back with t. J. Miller. cheers and applause band playing we all drive, some cats just know how to roll. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . 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