Could you come out here for a second . [stephanie] i guess so. What did you want . Kirk just told us that cindys gonna be performing at a Charity Rummage Sale tomorrow and she wanted to know if you could donate anything. Gee, id love to but im kind of broke right now. You dont have to give money. The idea of a rummage sale is to give things like clothes. Clothes . Well, whats the matter . Well, i dont really think i have any clothes i want to give away. Stephanie, im sure you could find something. Well, ill look. What kind of things do they want . Usually they want practical things. Thatll take some digging. Thanks, guys. You know, im always telling cindy how classy you are. This makes it look like im telling the truth. [man] yeehaw whoopee yahoo is that george . Its either george or theres a cattle drive going by. They found a cure for being a hayseed . The greatest thing thats ever happened to me just happened. Im gonna be a volunteer fireman. Whats all this about, george . George, i didnt even know you wanted to be a fireman. Oh, ive always wanted to be a volunteer fireman. Ive had my name on the waiting list for years and today it came up. Im finally going to do something that the people in this town arent going to laugh at. George, what are you talking about . Nobody laughs at you. Oh, yeah . Remember all that razzzzg i got last year when i said i saw a ufo . And then they put me in charge of the thanksgiving day parade and it rained . Oh, lets face it, nobody in this town thinks i can do anything right. Well, in their defense, i think youve given them good reason. Well, not anymore. I finally found something i could really be good at. But isnt being a fireman dangerous . Not in this town. We havent had a fire since 1979. But that was a big one. Where was it . At the fire station. What . But they stopped the paper drive and they havent had any trouble since. Well, id better go get my work done so ill have the whole day tomorrow to be at the firehouse. Its my orientation. Yahoo whoohoo i cant believe how excited he is. Yeah. You know, its just the kind of thing he needs to boost his confidence, and i think just the kind of thing hell be good at. Well, needless to say, all of us with wood frame houses will be rooting for him. Morning. Wed like to check out now. Oh, fine. The place is beautiful. We just cant wait to come back again. Thank you. Were glad you enjoyed it. How much do i owe you . Two days, thats 70. Will you take a check . Sure. Sure. [ honks ] hi, joanna. Oh, my gosh, ive never seen you in your outfit before. Its adorable. Oh, thanks. Its just a Little Something i threw together. I love it ooh, is this the stuff for the rummage sale . Yeah. Stephanie cindys here. [stephanie] coming. How long does it take you to look like that . About an hour. Thats how long it takes me to look like this. Hi, cindy. Hi, stephanie. Heres your stuff. Oh, great. Youve never seen cindy in her clown outfit before. What do you think . Oh, thats right. Youre in your outfit. Wait a minute. This isnt what youre giving, is it . Yeah, why . Out of all the clothes in your closet, the only thing you could find to give to the poor was a strapless evening gown . Well, i wanted to give more. I just couldnt find anything. Besides, this happens to be a very fine dress. Just because i could never find a pair of shoes to go with it. Stephanie, the people were giving these things to they could shorten it and wear it for cocktails. You know, stephanie, if you dont want to give anything, its fine. I dont want anybody to feel pressured. No, thats not it. Listen. Do you think it might pick up these poor people if i just loaned them something . Stephanie, maybe i can help you find something. Okay, but im telling you right now, i have looked and looked and i love everything. Cindy, why dont you have a seat on the sofa . Well only be a minute. Okay. Hi, dick. Hi. Its cindy. Oh. Oh, right. Charity rummage sale. Joanna know youre here . Yeah, shes upstairs with stephanie. You know, im curious, cindy, you. You never told us how you got to be a clown. Actually, its just something i always really wanted to do. I, ever, uh, tell you i was a clown once . Professionally . No, no, in a school fair when i was in college. Did you, uh, juggle and do magic tricks . No, i never did anything like that. What did you do . I just stood. By the ticket booths, and when people would walk in, id make my pants fall down. That sounds funny. Yeah, but as the day wore on, you know. It kinda got old. Besides, my back began to hurt and i wasnt pulling up my pants as fast as they were coming in. All in all, i dont miss it much. Well, im sorry, cindy, but apparently stephanies right. Theres nothing in her closet she can bear to part with. Youre not gonna donate anything . Well, i know everyone hates me and im sorry. Well, you know, stephanie, if youre really serious give your time. What do you mean . I mean that you could come down today and help volunteer. And that would get me off the hook . Great here. Grab a box and you can come with me. Thanks, guys. Dont mention it. Listen, ive never done anything like this before, so if i do something wrong, nobodys gonna yell at me, are they . Oh, no, of course not. Will i have to work a Cash Register or make change or anything . No, not if you dont want to. Uh, what about standing on my feet for a long time . I dont really like to do that either. Dont you like cindy . Yeah, i do. I think she looks adorable in that outfit. You know, honey, maybe someday you should tell her about the time you were a clown. Come on, joanna, i do have my pride. Hi, guys. George, you look wonderful you think so . Oh, yeah. You look like such a. Fireman how did the initiation go . And safety procedures and then i saw a pretty gruesome film called our flaming foe. Then hank, the regular fireman, took me out for an ice cream and i came home. Sounds like a great day. Yeah. You know, i dont mean to sound cocky, but when i walked down the street in this outfit, people looked at me a lot differently than they ever did before. I bet. Oh, and guess what else . Since they only have one permanent fireman, the volunteers have to take turns spending the night at the fire station and my turn is tonight. Looks like tonight the towns in your hands, george. Wow this is gonna be one of the biggest nights of my life. Let me acquaint you with some of the equipment that we use here at the station. Heres the truck. Thats about it for equipment. On to procedure. This is where the calls come in. Someday calls in about a fire, name, address, telephone number. Thats right. And when you get the address, you find it on the map here. If its in the red section, you sound the alarm once. If its in the blue section, you sound the alarm twice. This lets the fireman know which way to head. Now, if you get the system confused, dont worry about it. The town is flat. The guys can just follow the smoke. Now heres the second most important rule. Never use this telephone for personal calls. Only for emergencies. We cant take the risk of tying it up. Got it. Good. Now [ phone rings ] uh, excuse me. Fire department. Oh, hi, honey. Oh, sure, yeah, i can pick it up on the way home, yeah. Anything else . Oh, good. Okay, fine, see you soon. Byebye. Where was i . Never use this phone for personal calls. Thats right. If theres a fire, do i drive the truck . No. You have to be a fireman for ten years before you get to drive the truck. Why is that . Thats just because. If somebody calls in about a fire, you sound the alarm, you open the garage doors, and you start up the truck. By the time she gets warmed up, i should be able to get here. Then youll drive the truck . Thats right, because ive been a fireman for ten years. Now if theres nothing else, george, ill be running along. Left my number right on the board here. If you need anything at all, just give me a call. Right. But not on that phone. Right. Good luck, george. Good to have you with us. [ siren ] [ siren stops ] utley. Calling utley this is utley. Dont worry. Ive got everything under control. [ sighs ] [ sighs ] oh, shoot. Oh, where did they go . Oh, there they are. Oh, no ohh. Uh, hello, dick. This is george. Did the hanger work . No, and now i cant even hang up my coat. This is terrible. I cant believe i did this. George, there has to be an extra set of keys around somewhere. I looked everywhere and i cant find any. Why dont you call hank . Im sure he has an extra set. No, no no, if i call hank, hell know i lost the keys and theyll probably fire me. George, youre a volunteer. They cant fire you. Then theyll probably kill me. Wait a minute. All we need is to move the truck. How . Maybe we can push it. Uh, george, put it in neutral. Okay. Ready . Yeah. Push. Push. [ groaning ] is it moving . I dont think so. I wonder how much this weighs. Eight and a half tons. Thats our problem. Wait a minute, george. We dont have to move the truck. All we have to move is the tire. The tire is attached to the truck, dick. I know that, george. Maybe we can jack it up and take the tire off. Oh, of course. Why didnt i think of that . George, youre just nervous. I guess youre right. I want so much to be a good fireman that i cant think in an emergency. All right, you see if you can find a jack. Oh, wait a minute. Ive got a big jack at home in the garage. Great. You go home and get it and ill wait here. No, you cant wait here, dick, youre not a fireman. All right, you wait here and ill get the jack. Heres your jack, george. Oh, good. Did you get the lug wrench . Yeah, its coming. Uh, george, i know i promised that i wouldnt tell anybody but i couldnt get the jack in the car by myself and besides, we need someone who did you tell . Kirk, hand me the lug wrench. You put the jack under the truck. George, you can help me loosen these lug nuts. Couldnt you have asked joanna . I just want you to know, george, you have ruined my saturday night. Im sorry, kirk. I didnt do this on purpose. I just hate wasting my time at this stupid firehouse when i could be hanging around the rummage sale waiting for cindy. [ phone rings ] ill get it. Turn harder, george. Im trying, dick. This thing is stuck. Who put these on here anyway . [ straining ] its no use. Maybe this is the way things are meant to be. You mean tight . No. You know how they say some men are destined to be president . Maybe i was destined to not be a fireman. George, try to look at the bright side anybody who has had as much bad luck as you have is bound to be due for some good luck. Maybe youre right. Theres a fire. What . What . There cant be a fire. There hasnt been a fire since 1979 dick, what are we going to do . George, dont panic. We have to panic. Someones house is burning down all right, sound the alarm. Wheres the wheres the address . You guys start getting coats and hats. For what . To fight the fire. How can we fight the fire if we havent got a truck . Well take dicks car. Wait a minute get the hoses. Get the ladder. Hold it. Come on, dick, dont just stand there, hurry. We cant fight a fire in an oldsmobile ill just throw stuff in the back seat. George, dont you think you should be calling hank . No time now. Ill call him from the fire. [ glass breaking ] what are you doing . Loading up. Dont you at least roll down the windows . What about blankets . Why would we want blankets . To smother the fire. Well, what am i supposed to do, go find a linen closet . Grab something [ siren continues ] all right. Well, if you do hear anything, let me know, shirley. [ joanna ] okay, thanks. Hi. Hi. Thank goodness someones home. Whats the matter . George ran into some kind of trouble at the firehouse and dick went to help him and he hasnt come back yet. Did you call down there . Theres no answer. I dont know whats going on. Im sorry we werent back sooner but we stopped and got a bite to eat. Im not worried. Im sure theyre all right. How was the rummage sale . It was probably the most moving experience ive ever had. A rummage sale . Ive never seen such an outpouring of love and clothing in my life. [ kirk ] all im saying is that my pants are ruined. George is paying for it. [ george ] and youre paying for the broken window in the car. Oh, yeah . You wannhear something . No, im not. There you are. Why are you dressed like that . Where have you been . We were fighting a fire. [ gasps ] you fought a fire . Believe me, i would have rather been at the rummage sale. Oh, no, but im proud of you. What happened . I made another dumb mistake, thats what happened. No, you didnt. This man performed a giant act of courage. Yeah, disguised as a fit of panic. He didnt panic. He went into a smokefilled kitchen not knowing what danger was waiting for him. What danger . It was a blazing filet of sole. He didnt know it was fish. The point is, it was brave of him to even go in there in the first place. Then explain to me why he tossed a burning skillet in the backyard and then threw himself on top of it. It was a natural reaction. To a hand grenade. Not to someones dinner. Kirks right. I may have looked brave but the whole thing wouldnt have happened if i hadnt messed everything up. Lets face it. Im no fireman. Im going down tomorrow and resign. George dont feel that way. You did the best you could. Yeah, im not sure that i understand everything that happened but it sounds to me like you were a hero. Were talking about me, right . Okay, its true. While i might have been smarter about putting the fire out instead of throwing myself on top it i would have used dicks coat the point is you were thinking about other people while i was thinking about myself. And you. You were brave. And if anybody asks me, thats what im gonna tell them. Gee, thanks, kirk. Excuse me. Oh, hank. Uh, joanna, stephanie, cindy, this is hank dawson, our permanent fireman. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. Is everybody okay here . Yeah, were fine. Hank, im sorry about everything that happened. Id turn in my badge except i never got one. What are you talking about . You didnt do anything wrong. See . And hes a fireman. Well, i lost the keys to the fire truck. Oh, we lose keys to that fire truck all the time. You do . Oh, sure. With so many volunteers, guys take them home with them, isnt that kind of risky . I mean, anyone could come in and drive off with the fire truck. No, no, you cant drive the truck till youve been a fireman for ten years. Listen, george, im really sorry about this. I had the badge in my pocket all day long. I forgot all about it. There you go. George, congratulations. Oh, herehere ive gotta be running along, everybody. Nice meeting you. Good night. [ overlapping good nights ] now how do you feel . Oh, i think im gonna cry. Oh, thats sweet. No, thats pain. Hi, george. Well, youre out early this morning. What have you got there . Ohh. Just cosmetics. Where do you keep all that stuff . Anyplace i can find. Would you like me to make something for you to keep all that in . You mean like a vanity . Would you, george . Sure. Id be glad to. It wouldnt have to be anything fancy. It would just have to be a place to hold my moisturizers, mud packs, foundations, powders, blushers, mascara, eyeliner, eye shadow, curler, lipsticks and glosses. Is all that on there now . Most of it. Wheres, uh, wheres joanna . Shes in the basement doing the laundry. Honey, would you come up here for a second . In a minute. As long as youre doing this, do you think you could build me a swivel stool so i can do this . What are you guys, talking about . George is going to build me a vanity. Isnt that great . Stephanie, dont you think youve put a little too much emphasis on, you know, how you look . Well, maybe, but what am i supposed to do . I mean, nobodys ever said to me, gee, stephanie, youre smart or gee, stephanie, youre fun to be with. All ive ever been complimented on are my looks. Frankly, dick, being attractive can be a real burden. This is true. You dont know how lucky you are. What did you want, honey . Oh, i have some good news. Paul frazier called me. Hes the host of book talk, and he wants me to be his guest sunday. Youre kidding. Thats wonderful. Yeah, i dont think ive ever seen it. Well, its a local Television Program where they interview writers. About what . About what theyre written. No wonder ive never seen it. Well, im proud of you. I think its great. The most beautiful girl in the world picks my ties out, cooks me dinner is a winner hi, guys. Everybody dick kirk. The most beautiful girl in the world cooks me dinner i take it cindy cooked dinner for you last night. It was unbelievable. We had veal scaloppini, carrots vichy, creamed spinach, chantilly potatoes, and french chocolate mousse. But then, i guess when youre in love, anything tastes good. So whats new with you guys . We just found out dicks going to be on book talk this sunday. Book talk. Is that the show thats on at 4 00 in the morning right after amish aerobics . No, it happens to be a very highly thought of program on sunday. Its a filler between the end of the Football Game and the news. Certainly sounds like something people take seriously. Kirk, it doesnt matter what time its on. Its an honor that dick has been recognized as a fine writer. Or a fine filler. Well, i know im going to watch. Me, too. Kirk not me. Why not . Because im dating cindy. I have a life now. Well, i think the least you can do is take a few minutes out to watch dick. This is true. Can i watch it over here . My tvs broken. Of course. Well make it a party. Well pop some popcorn, have some hot cider, and make an afternoon of it. Boy, that sounds great. Would you like me to bring something . Sure. What would you like to bring . Cindy. Dick the best part is you just remove the two screws, and it becomes completely portable so you can put it anywhere. Dick, this is fascinating. Were talking to dick loudon, and well be right back after this commercial word. Hes doing great, isnt he . I cant believe cindy had to work today. Kirk, would you stop pouting . Shes entertaining at a childs birthday party. This is what i hate about dating a professional clown. Theyre always busy on weekends. That should be my time with cindy. Kirk, youre being selfish. Im being selfish . Im not the one who picked today to turn 6. Shh. The commercial is almost over. Well, big whip. Kirk, if you dont want to watch, why dont you just go home . Oh, no. If i stay here, at least i know theres someone more bored than i am. Whos that . The guy whos talking to dick. [theme] [laughing] welcome back. Were talking to dick loudon, which you can pick up at your neighborhood bookstore. No, its not in the bookstores. Its in the hardware stores. Oh. Locally, it can be found at handy sam the hardware man. Well, thank you, dick. Youve been a wonderful guest. Im sorry the game ran long and we didnt have more time to talk. Well, you know what they say sometimes a man says more when he doesnt say anything. Oh. So true, so true. Well, that closes the cover on another sunday afternoon. This is paul frazier for book talk, saying keep reading. [theme] man clear thanks, dick. I really enjoyed talking to you. I like your book, too. Oh, thank you. Nice program, paul. Oh, thanks. Dick, this is our producer michael harris. Oh. How do you do . Nice show. Thank you. If you two will excuse me, dick, can you spare a moment . Uh, sure. I like the way you handled yourself out there. Youre witty, youre articulate, you think quick on your seat. I was impressed. Thank you. I mean it. Youve got poise, charm, and intelligence, and you seem to possess a keen insight into human nature. Youre no slouch yourself. Let me get r