Mallory, that is two. I dont know whats wrong. Im so nervous. Is it because its parents night at school . Its parents night . At school . Already . Yes, yes, it is, mallory. Your night of nights. A chance for parents and teachers to gather, review your grades, and have a good laugh. You just love parents night,dont you . Oh, you bet. I put it up there with christmas eve. How are the dishes coming . Theres one or two left. Well be back by 9 30. Its goingto be very hectic. If you have to skip seeing my algebra teacher,ill understand. Alex, anyone you want us to avoid . Au contraire. Go anywhereyou want to go. I just hopeyou can contain your joy. Youve reminded us every hour. I wont be a pest,but its important. His cousinteaches at dartmouth. If he writesmy recommendation, im in. Ok, alex. So youll see him,youll butter him up . Consider him buttered. You go to alexs classes. Ill go to mallorys. Mr. Tedesco. Good guess. Who are you . Elyse keaton. Alexs mother. Alex keaton. Good man. You mustbe very proud. Alex is the beststudent in this class, but half of them think the Hunchbackof Notre Dame was a football player. Its his favorite class. He talks about you frequently. No needto butter me up. My husband and i were anxious to meet you. Mallory. I had a studentnamed mallory keaton. Shes the one. Really . Which oneof your childrenis adopted . [bell rings] all right, everybody. Attention, please. Im. Ruben tedesco. Your children call me mr. Tedesco. I think you should, too. I teach european literature. If you dont belong here, dont worry. Neither do most of your children. This is an open forum. Ill answer any intelligent questions you may have. I was wondering hands, please. The lady in front. My son. He says you pick on him. You call him names. Whos your son . Larry morgan. Madam, your sonis an insipid,pimplefaced liar. Anyone else . Pleaseidentify yourself. Im mrs. Vinnie. My daughter mindy so enjoyed reading the little prince. Is there anything else youd recommend for her . Yes. Id recommendshe lose 40 pounds. You could lose30 yourself. My, my. Suchan inquisitive bunch. I have something to say. I think you owe mrs. Vinnie and everyone else an apology. Yeah. Yeah. Youve been terribly rude and insulting to us all. Mrs. Keaton,its clear that your son does not gethis intelligence from you. If you feelim insulting, fine. I wont insultanyone anymore. This gettogetheris over. Im leaving. Wait a minute dont push me move it, grandma. You cant do that whos goingto stop me . Mallory, you hold the plate, jennifer, you hold that piece, and ill fit them together. Ok. Great. Great. Hold it like this for two minutes, and itll last for 2,000 years. It says so right on the bottle. [telephone rings] [ring] what should we do . [ring] all right. Dont panic. [ring] [ring] [ring] hello. Yeah. Just a second. Oh, thanks. Ah, linda . Im going to take it in the other room. Sorry about that. Youre home early. What happened . Its a long story. You talkedto mrs. Stickney,didnt you . Yes, but thats not the i promiseill work harder. Ill do my homeworkevery night. Maybe not every night,but every other night. Mallory we have other more Serious Problems right now. Thank god. Hey, how did it go . Maybe youd better sit down. Im too excited. Very definitely. Great. Tell meevery detail. I dont exactly know how to put this i punched mr. Tedesco in the mouth. What did you say . I punched him. Mom, whenyou say punched, do you meanan affectionatelittle tap, like way to go, mr. Tedesco . I decked him. Wow. Wow. Any particularreason . He shoved an elderly lady. Thats it . How old . Alex, your mr. Tedesco is a rude, crass, vile human being. I knew that. Why didyou have to hit him . He was being so rude i was seized by an uncontrollable impulse cant you understand . No. It was just. One of those things. Im sure we can all understand it. Could you explain it again . Show us how it happened, mom. Alex, you be mr. Tedesco. Steven, imso ashamed of myself. Striking anotherhuman being. Look, elyse, im sure this can all be cleared up. Cleared up very easily. Now. Why dont you call him and apologize . Good. Ill get the number. Everythings going to be fine. You just had a bad night, thats all. Champ. Mr. Tedescos beenasking for it forever. Its time somebodyput him in his place. As meaning i condone violence. I dont. It was a freak occurence. Ok, mom. Say anythingyou have to say, but get methat recommendation. Dont worry, alex. I can handle this. Hello, mr. Tedesco. Hi, this is elyse keaton. Please, please. Hear me out. Uh, mr. Tedesco,i feel terriblyabout what happened, and i want to apologize. Now, see here what . Wheredo you live . Whwhere . Mr. Tedesco . Yeah. Pay noattention to her. Shes beenon medication lately. Hello . Mr. Tedesco . May i have a word with you . Youve alreadyhad seven. Huh . One ofthe dueling keatons. No, ii dont come any closer. Mr. Tedesco, i came to apologize for my wifes behavior. She feels terrible about this. Were both really sorry. I could sue, you know. Look. Uh, look. Lets try to gain some perspective on the situation. Havent you ever done something without thinking, something you regretted later . Yes. I showed upfor parents night. Look, i know youre upset, but youreobviously a very. Intelligent,civilized person who can recognizethis incidentfor what it is an aberration. And i hope youllforgive and forget. Fortunately, mr. Keaton, for his sake, i will allow myself to be appeased by your words. I am nothing if not civilized. I can see that. Your wife, however, is an amazon. Part irish,part french. No amazon. You know what i mean, keaton. Shes primal. Not fully evolved. It must be tough keeping her in line. Tell me. Do whips ever enter the picture . Ill be going now. No, im curious. Whats it like to live with that unbridled shedevil . Goodbye, mr. Tedesc wait. One more question. Does she ever, uh. Da da da da youre in a good mood. Why shouldnt i bein a good mood . Dad and mr. Tedesco areprobably shaking hands. Theyre probably decidingto go for a beer. My problems are over. Hey, mom. Want to gofor a few rounds . Float like a butterfly,sting like a bee. Alex, im getting angry. Whoa, kids, shes mad hit the deck will you stop it . Get the table set. Ok. Ok. Whats this . Its a plate. It used to bea plate. Now its art. Theres lots more art in the cupboard. How did it go . We didnt exactly discuss the recommendation. What did you talk about . Well, um. First i introduced myself, then i told him how sorry we were. I convinced him to forgive and forget. We made a little bit of small talk, idle chatter, then i punched him in the face. Im sorry, alex. The man is slime. Elyse, if youd heard the things he said. I cant believe this i cant let you twoout of the house that man would have made a killer out of gandhi. That manheld the key to my futurein his hands. That recommendationwas my passportto the ivy league, girls named muffy. My geography teachers been wising off lately. Could one of you rough her up a bit . Weve got to put a stop to this. This may sound crazy, but we ought to invite mr. Tedesco to dinner tomorrow. What for . To finish him off . I dont wantthat man in my home. Neither do i, steven, but until were at peace with him, well never be at peace with ourselves. Youre right. We owe it to alex to smooth this over. Well, now youretalking some sense. Its settled. Well invite him for dinner tomorrow. Girls, youvegot to help me tonight. Weve gotto keep thingsin an up mood. In fact,lets practice, ok . Go ahead, laugh. Hee hee hee. Hee hee hee. If he starts gettinginto it with mom and dad, talk about something else,like the weather. The chickens in the oven, and the table is set. Aw, chicken . Is thatthe best you could do . Whats wrong with chicken . You do notappease a manwith poultry. Beef. We need beef. Were having chicken, alex. Ive givensome thought as to what you mightsay to mr. Tedesco. Never has so cruel an attack been perpetrated on so innocent a victim. Would that i couldreverse the hands of time, i would. I beg your forgivenesswith all my heart and soul. We shouldnt have hit him, but were not begging his forgiveness. Beggings out . Were not goingto grovel either. Why are we having the guy over . [doorbell rings] ill get it. Mr. Tedesco. Hello, alex. Come on in. Please, sit down. Thank you. Hee Hee Hee Hee Hee im gladyou could acceptour invitation. Well, of course he accepted, mom. Hes a very forgiving man. Before yousits a human being who thinks and actson the highest plane. I came for the free dinner. Mr. Tedesco, were all reasonable,intelligent human beings who have justbehaved poorly over the past few days. My husband and iapologize for hitting you. Im sure youre sorryfor saying the thingsyou said. Whats for dinner . Chicken. I was hoping i had chicken for lunch. There must besomething elsein the fridge. We could go out. No, alex, we are staying here, and were eating chicken. I said i had chicken for lunch. Um. They say it might rain. Yeah. Rains good. Now, thats the mallory i remember. Mr. Tedesco steven i need some help in the kitchen with the chicken. Good its a big chicken. Im sorry about that,mr. Tedesco. Its about what i expected. Theres no pointin going on with this charadeany longer. Youre not writing that letterof recommendationfor me, are you . Uh. Are you . You know, keaton, this is one of those moments when i prize being a teacher. When i can watch a student squirm because i hold his fate. You like that, huh . I do, i do. Theres something very appealing about playing god. Thats howwe think of you. Ah, look. I really needthat recommendation. Ok, ok, ok. Youve suffered long enough. You got the recommendation. I do . I wrote it the day you asked me. Its right here. I dont usually show letters of recommendation to students, but this ones exceptionally wellwritten, and. Well. Here you go. Oh. Oh, mr. Tedesco. Oh, this is beautiful. Thank you. I considered not giving you a recommendation, then i realized it wouldnt be fair. It wasnt you that hit me. No, no, it wasnt. Its not your fault your parents act that way. Considering what your parents are like, youre a remarkable fellow. Yeah. When they came into the classroom, i realized that evolution sometimes takes a detour. Were all descended from apes, mr. Tedesco, im sorry about flying off the handle earlier. My wife and i just reminded each other what this evening is all about, and how much it means to this family. Were defrostingsome steaks. It shouldbe ready shortly. Yummy no, mom. No steaks tonight. Tonight, were having chicken. No, alex, remember mr. Tedesco had chicken for lunch. I dont care whatmr. Tedesco had for lunch, and this is what i thinkof his recommendation. What are you doing . Keepingmy selfrespect. I overrated you, alex. I thought you were better than your parents. I was wrong. Look, mr. Tedesco, i dont feellike im betterthan my parents. If i grow up to beas good as they are, ill be very proud. I think wed all appreciate it if you left now. My pleasure. Nice going, alex. You shouldvepunched him. No, he shouldnt have. You handled the situation just right. I know it wasnt easyfor you guys to invite himover for dinner. I know you did itfor me. Thanks. The evening was a disappointment, but at least nobody got hit. Alex, youre hard to figure. When i think i know you, you do something nice. [knock on door] Public Performance of captions prohibited without permission ofnational captioning institute