Would you. Yeah. Like one . What are you doing, paul, feeding the bear claw . Im sure the teamsters were just trying to cheer me up. You know, tomorrows gonna be a pretty tough day for me. Alone. Divorced. At least you werent accepting thinly disguised bribes from the local unions. Theres always that. Unless anyone wants to share a valentines story, id like to get down to this very important business. So anyone . No. Good. Ooh im gonna propose to claudia so what youre saying is that im strong. Not wanting to go on some casual date while youre waiting for Something Real is both strong and emotionally selfaware. But mostly strong. Yes, mike, youre a big, strong macho man. imitating john wayne well, you dont have to say that, carter. You know what im thinking . Im thinking maybe. Maybe im just not meant to be married, you know . We convince ourselves that we cant live without someone else. We can. Marriage is a big lie. Please im looking at Engagement Rings here. The whole idea of this scares me. What, getting married . Purchasing. You know, paul, youre supposed to spend 2 months salary on one of these things, not 2 weeks. I knew itd come back and bite me on the ass. Can i help you . Let me get this straight. The less color a diamond has, the more expensive it is. That is correct. Id like to see the red one, please. Thats a cufflink. Buy the ring, paul. O. K. , ill take that one. No, no, wait, wait. Notnoti dont know paul, paul, you can do it. No, i cant. I left my wallet at the office. I havent carried it around since 1973. Which, coincidentally, is the last time you opened it. See how easy this is, paul . Oh, mike. Oh, mike, thank you. Youre paying me back, paul. Oh. So you firmed up your valentines day plans yet . Nope. I like to leave it for the last possible moment, nikki. Think of the buildup youve got going. Lets see the ring mikes holding it hostage. Look, the last time he borrowed money, it took him 6 months to pay me back. Mike, i just moved. I had expenses. Times were tight. Paul, it was 3. 00. Some flowers were delivered to a honey bunny, from steve. Steve lisk . Steve steiner . Steve tanzer. Oh when will he leave me alone . I hate valentines day. It is the worst. Honey bunny is right. Its just too painful. When was the last time you were in love, mike . About 6 months ago laurie. She dumped me. I was crushed. I told her i never wanted to see her again. Hi, mike. Apparently she still doesnt listen to me. In love with this woman. Sometimes a Second Chance best thing in the world. You think i should go for it . Yeah. But go for it, you know, slowly. What is that, nikes slogan for their new Senior Citizen crosstrainers . Hi. You find the coffee o. K. . The new girls helping me out. Thats stacy. Shes my assistant. Well, she says if i hurt you again, shes gonna find out where i live. Shes a good assistant. Oh cream in your coffee o. K. . Yes, thank you very much. O. K. Oh, god. Im just gonna leave you two alone. Or i could stay. What are you doing here . In front of carter . He wants to stay. Theres nothing i can do. Im very pushy. Im not really sure what im doing here, mike and carter. Uh, tomorrows valentines day, and theres no one i wanna be with, so i dont have a date for the first time in 18 years. And i know that sounds really stupid, but the streak was important to me. Well, thats just shallow. I really miss you, mike. How much . Well, i dont really know how to answer that. Give it a numerical value. 82 . Wow this is gonna be the worst valentines day ever. I am getting a million phone calls, but no one has invited me to skeet eldridges party. I feel for you. Nikki, that cute guy from accounting with the kid. Yes, kevin. He wants you to call. Yes hes hoping you can babysit for him tomorrow night. You know, stacy, if you wanna go to skeet eldridges party. Youre really good friends with him, and youd love to take me. Yeah, right. No, im not friends with him. My sister was his neighbor for a while, and i got to meet him. Hes a good guy. Im not making up some elaborate lie just to spend time with you. Im going, and if you wanna go, id love the company. I would love that. No problem. . And i dont think i was ready before, but now i. Better . Mike, im not gonna bite. I may nibble a bit, but i. No, there will be no nibbling, o. K. . Youyou just cant come back here andandand snack on me. Mike flaherty. Is an entree. Mike, i couldnt make a commitment before because i was just so proud of myself for being independent. But now i realize you were the best thing that ever happened to me. All right, look, laurie. When you walked out on me, i just swore that i would never let myself be that vulnerable again. You know, itsits not worth the risk. And if youif you cant deal with that, hey, i understand. I love you. Nice pitch. All right. You know, thisthis is going too fast. I justi need a second to think. All right, be strong. Focus on the negative. Look, shes crackingher knuckles. You hate that. Listen to how loudit is when she doesthe other hand. loud cracking uh, laurie. Im sorry, but, uh, i just dont think this is what i need in my life right now. Make love to me. O. K. I had a wonderful lunch. Oh, and heres your inhaler. You know, its so strange for you to be having an asthma attack in the middle of february. Oh, paulie. You are so romantic. I know. Its a gift. inhales cant wait to make an honest woman out of her. Show us how youre gonna propose, paul. Demonstrate on nikki. O. K. Great. This probably wont do any longterm damage. You gotta get down on one knee. Wheres the ring . Mike has it in his jacket. O. K. , o. K. Forget the ring. Just look into my eyes. Those arent my eyes. Claudia, i know that youve been wanting to do this for a long time, and youre not getting any younger, right . So i figure, what the hell . Here. Tough break, paul. Mike, do you remember how committed you were when we were together before . I feel the same way now. Really . Yeah. Because ii would have done anything for you. Im right there, mike. I would have given you unconditional love. I can do that. I would have let you play with my breasts all day. Thats what the weekends are for. You know, laurie. I was ready to marry you. Oh. What, are you trying to make me feel guilty . Come on. You have any food . I got a beer. I got something the laws of chemistry will no longer allow me to call a salad. Oh, i got ketchup. Youre definitely a man. If youre really starving, i havei have a mint in my jacket pocket. Wow, you werent kidding. The answers yes. Happy valentines day. Uh, stuart. Look, i was kind of rotten yesterday, and youre doing a really nice thing here. So you have to understand, i dont expect this from a guy like you. Youre the guy who named a web site after me. You know, its gone national. So computer geeks all over america are downloading pictures of my butt . Yep. I like that. And youre welcome. Wheres mike . I got 40 bucks to put down toward the ring. You took that money from my petty cash jar. Oh, ill pay you back later. This whole proposal thing is turning into a disaster. We are stepping in. Weve got the whole thing planned. Youre gonna propose at the press conference today. Tonight, youll turn on the evening news bam there youll be popping the question. Just go out there and read the proposal that james wrote. Youve never been more eloquent. Well, of course im eloquent. Its from my heart. Theres gonna be a band, balloons wait. How much is this gonna cost me . About the price of a nice dinner. For one or 2 . This really caught me by surprise, mike. Knocked me off my feet. Well, you know, you said yes so quickly. You had it on your finger and called your mom before i could exhale. Oh, god, check out the rock, mike. Its just oh, im sorry. I, uh. Just came in because i wanted to talk about how we should handle the Washington Heights situation. I was just bored. Carter hi, kids. Hi. So, you guys do anything fun yesterday . Uh. Nothing big. I gotta run. Happy valentines day, guys. See you later, fiance. She used the f word. What have you done . Everything after that was a blur. You didnt tell her you were just holding that ring for paul, that you had no thoughts of marriage whatsoever . It didnt come up. And to tell you the truth, carter, you know, i wasnt thinking about marriage then. But, well, maybe i am now. Well, you should be. Youre engaged. Mike, i absolutely must have the ring, and i will not leave until you hand it over. Fine. Give me the money. Ill see you later. Mike, this is not the way you decide if youre gonna spend your life with someone. Ill figure this out on my own, o. K. . Besides, the last serious relationship you were in was 4 years ago, and youre not even over that yet. Hey, i am over spence. He left a message on my answering machine the other night. Just called to say hi. Hi. Whats he trying to say . how am i supposed to. Oh, yeah, youre a rock. Mike, let me tell you a little bit about marriage. Sir, i met laurie when she was your exwifes divorce lawyer. Well, that about sums it up. At the end of your proposal, you have to say, i love you, baby. Baby is the bands cue. Baby, gotcha. Uh, ladies and gentlemen. Before i take any questions, im just gonna share the most important moment of my life with you all. Uh. Excuse me. Oh, no. A 3alarm blaze has burned down a lowincome housing residence, leaving 9 families homeless, including 7 children and a baby. Wrong baby. No willwill you marry me . Well, were not really young lovers. Oh, come on, stuie, please . Well have something to remember the night. Stuie . Yeah. The night i went to skeet eldridges party. Im only kidding. Take one of the both of us. There you go. Thatll be 45 bucks. Oh, wait. Take another one. I wasnt smiling. No, no, no that ones fine. You know, you look different. What is it . Oh, you dont have your glasses on. I didnt know you wore contacts. I dont. My visions not as bad as you think it is. Stacy . Im over here, mr. Magoo. Come on. Were in the front of the line. Hey. Well go in when we want. Were not on the list, are we . Of course we are. Excuse me, sir . The slurs words partys here. Excuse me . Jones. Miller. There we are. Chang. Why dont you just try bondek . cause i never use my real name. Bondek. Here it is. Party of 2 . Come on in. Let me see that. Hey, its there. Are you surprised . Its just that. Scoot knows me as chang. Skeet. Whatever. Whatever. Check out the rock. Laurie, about the rock. The ring mechanic called. And it needs to be realigned. The ring is perfect. You know what i see when i look into this ring . I see our future. I see our kids, i the man of my dreams. You see all that in there . Dont you . Let me take a look. Oh, wow. Look, there i am. I have no hair. So, stuart, howd you get us into that party . I amaze you, dont i . Stuart, i got us into that party, and, yes, you do amaze me. Hey, howd you do it . A friend of mine was helping throw the party, and he told me that you werent on the list. Wow. Wow. Busted. Listen, stuart. You knew you could not get us into that party, and you knew you were gonna make an absolute fool of yourself trying to, and thats really sweet. Yeah. So are we gonna sleep together, or what . That is definitely not a poodle named tiffany. That is a black lab named rex. Look at us. I see us fighting over which dog to get. Oh, i see me winning. No, i see me letting you think that. I see us in couples counseling. Can i ask you something . Howd you know to say yes . I looked into your eyes, and. I knew you were the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You mind if i try that . Uh, laurie, im afraid i have to tell you something. The first time. Will you marry me . Before we take any questions, id just like to share the most important moment of my life with you all. Why did you do that . This was supposed to be a big surprise. I cant do it this way. Claudia, theres something i have to say to you face to face. Yes, paul . There was this fire. Whole families left homeless. Oh, and a baby. Happy valentines day. Man sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. barking moo. Is it about sex i hear thats how ben and jerry come up with their flavors. It must have been a wild night when chunky monkey was born. So now that were engaged, do you think our sex life will slow down . I hope so. What . Well, i mean the sex is great. Im putting on a lot of weight here. Have you thought about a date for our wedding . I kind of assumed id be taking you. Oh, my. Gee, a lifetime of jokes like that how lucky can a girl get . Mmm. No, mike, we really we should start planning, you know. Theres a lot of things to talk about. We have some of our best conversations during sex. No, we dont. You sound like a tv evangelist, mike. Yeah. Oh, lord. Oh, god. Oh, lord, i can see. At least i dont sound like a driving instructor. Slow down, slow down. Look out for the bus. I want to remind all of you that running new york city is our job. And city hall is the nerve center of that job. And as city hall goes, so goes new york city. So ill ask you one more time again. Who jammed the snack machine. By using canadian coins . James, when you put a coin in one of uncle sams snack machines, it likes to see a dead president on that coin, not a maple leaf. Not a beaver. I cant believe the snack machines are down. Now how am i gonna get my afternoon ding dong . I can take care of that for you. On a nonsnack related note, the firstquarter reports are due. Stacy, youre gonna have to type them up, so youll be working all week. Youre kidding. Mike, i have a new boyfriend. Stacy, please. Lets act like an adult, shall we . Lets not forget the new rule. If one of us works late, we all work late. whining mike, thats no fair i hate this place everybody, dont tell claudia that i proposed to her on tv, because she doesnt know yet, o. K. . All yeah, whatever. In fact, today im whisking her off to a spa, where shes gonna spend most of the day in a sensory deprivation tank. Wouldnt your apartment suffice . Mike, im gonna need the ring back. You mean the ring that laurie is right now, as we speak, wearing as her Engagement Ring . Paul, i paid for that ring, which is what they go by when theyre figuring out whose ring it is. But thanks for stopping by. Janelle, im gonna need what . What is it . We just cant believe youre engaged, mike. Thats right, ladies. You can stop roaming the aisles. The bachelor store is fresh out of flaherty. Have no fear. There is a huge shipment of stuart, and it is priced to move. Then move. You know, a person could do a lot worse than mike. blandly yeah. theme fromthe Dick Van Dyke show plays thud oh, mike are you all right, honey . You know, after tripping over that thing every day for 2 years, youd think id learn. laughter soundtrack how was your day at city hall . Oh, boy, dont ask. You know, if it would help, id be happy to come work at the office. You know i dont want you working. I want you shopping and going to the salon and taking care of little mikey. Here. Mike wants you to organize the books for the entire First Quarter and give him a summary. mimicking Mary Tyler Moore oh, mike you have to eat healthier