I spent many years as a Nuclear Missile launch officer. If the president gave the order we had to launch the missiles, that would be it. I prayed that call would never come. [ radio chatter ] self control may be all that keeps these missiles from firing. [ sirens blearing ] i would bomb the [ beep] out of them. I want to be unpredictable. I love war. The thought of donald trump with Nuclear Weapons scares me to death. It should scare everyone. Im Hillary Clinton and i approve this message. School lunch can be difficult. Cafeteria chaos. One little struggle. Can lead to one monumental mishap. Not with ziploc easy open tabs. Because life needs ziploc. Sc johnson. Its comics unleashed with your host. Tonight byron welcomes adams, mark maris. George wallace. And charles green. And now, a man who puts the mocha in mocha chocolate latte, byron allen. Yeah. G; l whoo. Session. 3u3 dancing whats up . All right. All right. We have some very funny people here this evening. Say hello to mark marin. George 1 and tom green. Oh. Were unleashed. Youre unleashed. The comics are unleashed right now. Unleashed. Like were wild animals. Whats this, i hear youre afraid to leave your house. An gore phobic a little bit. Bad year. Ive been injured. When you get injured you dont leave the house. I broke a couple of ribs a few months ago, i was nearly killed. Is that right . Nearly killed by a wave of water. And then i broke my ankle and i havent left the house in months. Now im here. When you stay inside for a long period of time, you feel fear when you leave the house. Right now looking at you, im afraid. Its not because of anything that youre doing or anything, i just look at you and think its 1978, im 7 years old watching real people, you know . And youre exactly the same age, you know . Like youre a robot or some sort of like a clone of some type. How is that possible . You know what i mean . That you look exactly the same age. Everyone else on real people is dead, right . All the other hosts are all dead, right . Im not sure. Skitch helped are son, dead. Dead. How you doing . I was 7 years old too back in 178. George, you crazy, man. I been crazy all my life. Its good to be crazy. Youre not crazy out here in hollywood. Thats right. Everybody in this audience is crazy. If you come to california, youre crazy. Thats the bottom line. What do you think about these kids today. I grew up in a different era. When we were kids, if we were bad, the parents would tell you the boogeymen is going to get you. These kids today, you tell them the bogeyman, these kids go, ill bust the boogeymans ass. 14yearold boys having sex with the School Teacher . Whats up with that . And pretty teachers too, pretty teachers, too. What happened to us . I wouldnt have told nobody. I never got hit on. No. No. Well, look at you. I grew up in boston. I didnt even get hit on by a priest. I think if you went back to boston wearing that hat, youd have a little more lucknow. But youre talking about the new kids today. Actually, i dont understand the young kids today. Most of these young kids and you can talk back to your parents. We couldnt talk back to our parents, could we . My parents used to drive us down to the cemetery. She said junior, this is your plot right here. You can use it now or later but youre not going to be talking back to me up in here. Thats right. Thats right. Unbelievable. You know, timeout. Timeout was a smack up side of your head. You know what my mama would do . Whip your ass and she would take timeout, come back and hit some more. Uhhuh. Timeout was a break for her. Thats exactly right. And you just got married . I got married a little while ago. And its been brought to my attention by my wife, this is a new thing. She says i have an anger problem. But she didnt put it that way. She said im leaving. If you dont deal with your anger problem, right . Soapy did what everybody does. You got a problem, i went to the bookstore and bought a book on anger management. O cf1 o that now i have that book. Once you realize i just keep bringing it up, byron, because i honestly dont understand. I honestly dont understand how its possible. Mike douglas, dead. Okay . Steve allan, dead. Okay. 1978 was real people, right . George slater, right . I was born in 71. Okay. 7 years old. I remember watching that. 7 years old watching that. I wanted to do that some day. I want to do that some day. Youre out on the streets doing people on streets. You know, this is why were here right now because of that. Knock the hell out of him. How is it possible that you dont look a day older . I am dick clarks son. I lost my hair. Well be right back. In;< for more laughs more savory. Re. Sfx people oohing and ahhing more sweet. Sfx people gasping in excitement more lovin. Sfx people clapping and cheering. Now get more choices on mcdonalds all Day Breakfast menu. Another antiwrinkle cream in no hurry to make anything happen. Neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repair works. In one week. With the. Fastest retinol formula available. Its clinically proven to work on fine lines and. Even deep wrinkles. One week . That definitely works rapid wrinkle repair. And for dark spots, rapid tone repair. Neutrogena®. See whats possible. Ill take it from here. Im good. I just took new mucinex clear and cool. Ah whats this sudden cooooling thing happening . Its got a menthol burst. You can feel it right away. Wow, that sort of blindsided me. And it clears my terrible cold symptoms. Ahh this is awkward. New Mucinex Fastmax clear cool. Feel the menthol burst. And clear your worst cold symptoms. Start the relief. Ditch the misery. Lets end this. All right. Welcome back. George, youre from the south, right. Of course im from the south. Everybodys from the south. Growing up in the south some stupid habits. Like we have a front door and cant use it. You know what im talking about, somebody knock on the door. Go around to the back. Stupid stuff we did down south. Had a set of towels in the bathroom. Did you grow up like that . We couldnt even touch them. We had to wipe our hands on the wall. My mama was crazy. Was she. Your mama is not crazy . My mama says youre getting on my last nev. Im thinking why didnt you Say Something five, six nerves ago. Im at the end of my rope. Well, let go. The last time im going to tell you to take that garbage out. Well, thank god. I hope shes not watching because she will still whoop my ass. Yeah. She would whoop me with those questions. Id love to see that on tv. Your mom whooping your ass. Thats pay per view. Mama could whip your ass, too. Id love to do that show. Georges mama whips both our asses. Starting to feel like Jerry Springer around here. Why are these guys allowed to cover their hair, byron. I dont know. Ill be honest. I got this hair. I got the most hair out of all of you. I only do this once a year. I grew my beard out over the Christmas Holidays because over christmas i like to go to malls dressed as jesus. Ill walk through the mall just saying no, no, it wasnt supposed to be about this, people. And if theres a santa at that mall, ill walk right up to that santa and say listen, fatman, youre just a clown at my birthday party. When you were in new orleans . My family got wiped out down there and i went down to see them. I let them stay in my house because im working in vegas every night. Its been over a year now. And my house finding my dirty magazines and i love them. They finding everything but a job, god bless them. Get your ass out of my house. I was down there, i was in china. I recently come back from china. Anybody been to china . No, i havent been to china. It was wonderful. I talk to people going to be laughing at me because im a big tall black man. Its pretty cool. Every now and then a woman would come up and say, sex okay, sex okay . The people didnt watch me. Going in a Department Store like they do in beverly hills. They didnt watch me. Since they didnt, you know, i and you know, whats good about china, you know, i be thinking all the time. You can buy your souvenirs when you get home. Do you have a sweet tooth . I bought halloween candy this year and then i didnt answer the door. Do they have support groups for people like that . I go to the gym. You know why it doesnt work for me. Whole im im there im thinking what im going to eat when i get home. Today i spent the entire day almost going to the gym. I was going to go. You get into the mode where you look at your watch, ive only got four hours. I dont think im going to make it today. The food and Drug Administration should create a force of fat marshals that are on planes. If theres a terrorist thing, theyll jump into action. They should station fat marshals as the like fast food places. If they see a 300 pound person about to digging into sundae, jump into action and go to the table, are we really doing that . Are you about to do that in if the guy goes yeah, im about to eat this. Im a fat marshal and im legally obliged to knock the fork out of your mouth. It would be a Great Service to the country. We love to eat in this country. I think the next war will be for cooking oil. We should invade the canola country. Who is making that . Lets go. Cooking oil. They are. Look how fat these kids are getting. I mean if youre years old and a boy, you shouldnt be a c cup. Thats all im saying. Fat lazy little kid. The nap sacks have wheels . Your Flight Attendant wheeling their stuff around. Were going to take a break. Well be right back. Dont wentnji breaks down tooth enamel. Coffee thankfully she uses act® restoring™ mouthwash. It Restores Minerals to enamel for 40 stronger teeth. Act®. Smile strong. All right. Welcome back to comics unleashed. Whats the story . Do you have identity theft. No, heres what im afraid of. The government can tap your phones, look at your computers and its okay. They dont need a warrant. I cant stand people who say hey buddy, you got nothing to hide you got nothing to worry about. I got nothing to hide but ive got a few things im ashamed of. Id rather be ought with a bomb. I could explain that. Im going to blow that up. If they downloaded the stuff on my hard drive, i would have to say i didnt know it was a guy at first. I want it would be fun to go out in the audience like Jerry Springer, did you ever do that on the show . I was looking at, take his crutches away. I was looking at them. You guys travel all around the world doing standup comedy. Youve been in front of thousands of audiences over the years. Is this even a good audience though or right. All right. Do we have insurance for that . Do you guys think it is a good audience . Its a great audience. What you going where are you guys where do you guys get this audience . Where do you get these people . From the streets. I dont know. All right. Getting too lazy as americans. Yeah, we are. Everybodys so one friend wont even leave me a message. He goes you saw my name on caller id. Why didnt you call me back. I saw your name. Thats why i didnt pick it up. I go to the gym. I get distracted because women with these little outfits, how much more attention do they need. Skimpy little outfits writing stuff on the tops like sexy or porn star or juicy. What the hell does that mean . Am i excited or disgusted . Your ass is juicy . Im confused. Then they catch you looking like theyre upset youre like, what are you looking at . Youre like i like the font on your ass. What is that roman over there . What is that . Sorry to interrupt. I want to show everybody this is the future now. You get these casts when you break your leg. Then you get a removable one after four weeks that you can take off like a ski boot. No big deal. I thought id air it out a little bit. You can see the surgery there that i had. How did you hurt yourself . I fell off my skate board. Yeah, i was jumping over an vw. Tom i understand you have a pet peeve about people and their pet names. Yeah, how everyones got the same. Like pumpkin. Everyones calling everyone pumpkin. Shes got a boyfriend, calls her pumpkin and everyones calling everyone its not even like a goodlooking fruit. Its like its disgusting. Its fat and orange and has striations and you smash it on the pavement november 1st after halloween. No girl ever protests . What are you doing call me pumpkin . I was going to talk about the stupid commercials. Oh, yeah. All commercials are stupid. When we break in a few minutes, youre going to see a stupid commercial. You got to see it. Theyve got a commercial in los angeles. Environmentalist concerned about suvs consuming too much energy. Their slogan is what would jesus drive. You know me, i be thinking, jesus wos drive a honda. Did you know that . If you read the bibles, acts 2 and 1 says we should all be in one accord. Were going to take a break. Well be right back. Dont go away. For more laughs go to does your makeup remover every kissproof,ff . Cryproof, stayproof look . Neutrogena® makeup remover does. It erases 99 of your most stubborn makeup with one towelette. Need any more proof than that . Neutrogena. What . Is he gone . . Finally, i thought hed never leave. Tv character why are you texting my man at 2 a. M. . No. If you want someone to leave you alone, you pretend like youre sleeping. Its what you do. If you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Its what you do. Tv character taking selfies in the kitchen does not make you a model. More savory. Re. Sfx people oohing and ahhing more sweet. Sfx people gasping in excitement more lovin. Sfx people clapping and cheering. Now get more choices on mcdonalds all Day Breakfast menu. Right. In. Your. Stomach watch this . Yikes, that ice cream was messing with you, wasnt it . Try lactaid, its real ice cream, without that annoying lactose. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. That cough doesnt sound so good. Well i think you sound great. Move over. Easy booger man. Take mucinex dm. Itll take care of your cough. Fine ill text you in 4 hours when your cough returns. One pill lasts 12 hours, so. Looks like im good all night ah david, please, listen. Still not coughing. Not fair you guys waffles are my favorite ah some cough medicines only last 4 hours. But just one mucinex lasts 12 hours. Start the relief. Ditch the misery. Lets end this. All right. Welcome back. How old are you, man. How oldham i . Im 43 years old. Okay. Youre a young man. You look younger than i do, man. I dont think im old. You realize youre getting old in weird ways. I realized recently teenage girls dont even acknowledge me. No, no. Im not saying i dont want to have sex with teenage girls. Im just saying hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile in look at me. I think youre going to see him on date line. No. In a kitchen. I didnt know. This is my first time. All right. I have condoms in the car. George, whats going on with clinton. He invited me to the white house. Am i the only one tom, you been to the white house . I tried to scale the fence once. But he invited me to the white house and he was she showing me around and everything. Once again, i stole some stuff while i was in the white house. Wouldnt you . We were having coffee. Im stirring the coffee and equal all had the president ial seal. Im stirring my coffee with a sterling silver spoon. Got go. And i get to the gate and walking out, oh they got the detectives outs. I got in trouble. Nothing happened. I was miffed because i could have taken more silverware. All right. Until next time, keep laughing. Until next time, keep laughing. Thanks for joining us. Captions by vitac www. Vitac. Com