Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20160513

Jessie mueller and a musical performance by animal collective featuring jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause and now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen hey hey, everybody cheers and applause how are ya . drum snap stephen hey, everybody thanks, everybody welcome to the show thanks so much for being here, everybody thank you very much cheers and applause welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. Tonight, im wearing your mothers favorite suit. cheers and applause looks even better on the floor. Dont ask. Dont ask. You know what . Lets get straight to it. As usual, theres one big orange story tonight, donald trump. laughter hes the presumptive g. O. P. Nominee, but there are a few people he still has to win over. For instance, everyone in the g. O. P. laughter but today the healing began. Trump went down to washington to meet with speaker of the house paul ryan in a highlevel summit, after which ryan seemed very encouraged. I think we had a very encouraging meeting. I was very encouraged with what i heard. I was very encouraged. Again, im very encouraged. This is a first, very encouraging meeting. Again, im very encouraged. Im, im, im very encouraged. Stephen sounds very encouraged. laughter applause cheering only one word for it, encouraged. Encouraged, encouraged. You know, you say a word over and over again, it doesnt mean anything anymore. Hand me the dictionary now. Encouraged. Encouraged. Encouraged. Encouraged. Encouraged. Encouraged. Encouraged. Encouraged. Here we go. Meaningless word meaning sheer panic. Okay. Sounds about right. cheers and applause the same motion with what trump is going to do with ryan here you go heres the thing ryan had to meet with trump to make it look like the Republican Party is not in chaos, that someone is in control, but nothing happened. Okay . That was the whole point is for them to get together, us not to see it and nothing happened. It was pure theater they shouldnt have done it on capitol hill. They should have had the meeting on broadway, you know, with musical numbers hey, cool boy laughter trump is gonna rock it tonight cheers and applause watch out, paul ryan laughter cheers and applause easy, Mitch Mcconnell laughter ryan did not endorse trump or poke him with a stick or anything fun. laughter instead, they just released a joint statement saying, they were totally committed to working together. And when donald trump commits to something, he totally means it. Ask any of his wives cheers and applause so bottom line, the last 24 hours of all political news was complete b. S. Of course, the creme de la crap was from msnbc. Had a countdown clock to the meeting this morning where no cameras were allowed and after which we learned nothing. Jim, can we put up my countdown clock of how much longer we all have to pretend this was news . cheers and applause that was a long three seconds. Really. Of course, when it comes to donald trump, there are so many other things that are not happening. For instance, he hasnt picked a running mate, but rumors say hes considering Newt Gingrich audience reacts theyre all chanting newt yes. Between them, theyve had six wives. Apparently, trump is trying to win the womans vote by marrying them all. If they get elected both the first and second lady will be the third lady. applause but theres a scandal looming for trump. See, since the start of the campaign, trump has been promising to release his tax returns, but he Just Announced that he may not do that until after the election. So far, the only glimpse of his taxes hes given us is this picture he tweeted out of a huge stack of documents. Its a huge stack. But to be fair, that stack looks a lot larger next to his tiny, tiny hands. applause people like mitt romney say hes hiding something. Weve gotten our hands on the documents by a procedure called making them up. Bring out Donald Trumps taxes, everyone cheers and applause thank you very much. Okay, lets see what we got here. You know theyre real because only a real tax return can do this laughter okay, lets see what weve got here. Signs his name trump, comma, donald j. Under race, he just circled the ones he wants to deport. Okay. Lets see. Social security number, a good one. Trust me. laughter under exemptions hes listed responsibility for things ive said and done, are laughter for income he just wrote yuuge. laughter and under adjusted gross, he wrote rosie odonnell. Thats not nice. audience reacts lets see, again, his tax return, not mine. laughter and lets see, under birth date he wrote slumbering in the earths core for centuries, waiting for humanity to wake my wrath. Sounds about right. cheers and applause now say hello to my dependents, jon batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon hey cheers and applause humming theme song folks, if you watch this show and i hope you are, its no secret that im fascinated by gwynyth paltrow. Not as fascinated as she is, but still. Pretty fascinated. I especially love her lifestyle website goop, your number one source for 5,000 juicers. And this week was huge for goop heads like me because goop just came out with its first annual sex issue, featuring curated erotic merchandise for your best life, including sex toys. laughter finally a place to find sex toys on the internet laughter the issue was loaded with sensual merchandise guaranteed to shock your prudish aunt. Especially if shes also your accountant. For instance, goop recommended this sex whip that sells for 535. Because, if youre willing to pay 535 for a whip, youre clearly into punishing yourself. laughter applause thats a fine joke, but it does imply i know what the market rate for a whip is. laughter i dont know. They also sell this 15,000 gold plated lets say, exclusive massager. laughter yes, i want to assure everyone that it is blurred. You are not going blind from using your exclusive massager. applause i wish i dont know how i dont know how to convey to you how much time and how much effort went into figuring out whether we could show this to you not blurred, or if we did blur it, how much we had to blur it, and i also what i could call it before we showed it to you. For instance, i could say parts to have the word that it is. For instance, i could say the word dill pickle. laughter and i could say doe, a deer, a female deer. laughter but if i, uh, if i tried to add that pickle to the deer cant do that. Lets just say it rhymes with the word bilbo. cheers and applause and its the word bleep . cheers and applause going to be totally bleep ed, right . Totally bleeped. You will never know what i said. I have to say, a gold sex toy is a great gift. Its the perfect way to let your lover know i am a russian oligarch. Although if 15,000 is a little steep, for around 8,000, they also offer a silver exclusive massager. Again, its blurred. Silver, of course, for when you finish second. laughter that looks like nothing that looks like nothing that is like a topographickicle map of new zealand laughter what is that . That doesnt even look silver. Anyway, it is in there. Now keep in mind that silver tarnishes, so youre going to need to polish it. A lot. laughter and remember if youre at a formal orgy, the silver massager goes on the left side of the plate. But warning do not use if youre a werewolf. laughter the latest goop issue also takes you inside l. A. s erotic theater snctm. Yes, snctm. You dont want to know where they put the vowels. Snctm is an eyes wide shutlike monthly masquerade in an l. A. Area mansion that warns, while women can buy a ticket, men cannot attend unless theyre members, part of a couple, or reserve dinner. Thats right. You may only enter if youve made reservations, which means this sex club is as exclusive as a ponderosa. 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Well be right back with Russell Crowe and ryan gosling. cheers and applause its bright yellow wrapper is bold. And if its crlspety, crunchety, peanut buttery goodness unapologetically sticks to your teeth. Thats bolder, than bolder, than bold. Bolder than bold. Crispety, crunchety, peanutbuttery butterfinger over here, kids. You. Here. In you go. Thank you. Show traffic. Life is a sport. We are the utility. Be unstoppable. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody my first guests are two of the most talented actors working today and the stars of the new film the nice guys. Please welcome ryan gosling and Russell Crowe. band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen im afraid thats all we have time for. Thanks for being here. laughter congratulations on the new baby with. Thank you so much. Stephen thats wonderful. You guys are hanging out a lot together. Yeah. Stephen you are. Youre touring around here, youre promoting the nice guys. Were touring the whole world together. Stephen really . Wow. Wow. laughter wow. Are you really bonding during this time, russell . Yeah. Mmhmm. Were very close. Close. Stephen yeah. laughter i like the movie. I like the movie a lot. As i said, you guys strike me as you both have done a lot of action, a lot of exploding movies, a lot of deep dramas, a lot of challenging movies, but this is a comedy and i dont necessarily associate you guys doing comedies together. Well, even though that might be true we work together. Thats why you wouldnt associate us doing comedies together. Great point. Stephen t to tuche. Ill remember that word in interviews when i get there. Stephen the french really love it when you try. Just use the word tuche and they will be very happy. Any question. Stephen yeah. Congratulations on having a baby. Tuche. laughter and you dont think of comedy when you think of us. Interesting. Stephen the two of you together. It hurts to hear you say it. It might be true, but it hurts. Can i clarify something . Stephen sure. How often do you think of the two of us together . cheers and applause see . And thats the magic. Thats the magic. Stephen tuche. laughter applause we actually have a clip of you two being funny in the movie together. Want the see that . laughter how about this do yall want to see that . cheers and applause stephen jim . Im falling asleep at the wheel here, man. I need you to drive. Ive going to pull over up here. You dont have to pull over. The car can drive itself. What . Just take your hands off the wheel, man. Hmm. I didnt know it could do that. Where you been, man . Every car can do this. Yea, where have you been, man . Idiot. You didnt know that . You fly everywhere and you dont even drive, and you know. Hes got a point there, bumble. Yeah, whatever. Wake up wake up wake up tires screeching, crashing sounds cheers and applause stephen thats a very highpitched scream you had there. I just want to say, oscar buzz. applause stephen why not . I dont know. I can smell an oscar. Stephen i can, too. Mark my words. Stephen mmhmm, something gold. laughter now, i understand that your mom was not a huge fan of me. Yeah, not a fan. Stephen but she had a turning point at a certain point. She did. Stephen im interested in this. She loves the lord of the rings. Stephen as do i. As do you. And she was not a fan, but then saw your you know, that sort of battle you had with james franco, and now shes a huge fan. My mom loves it so much, obviously, shes constantly reading it, but she also, to back that up, has the films on in the background so she can be close to the language of it. Stephen yeah. And i said, mom, is there a question i could ask stephen that might stump him, which i know has never happened and im not predicting that it will, but i thought if you wouldnt mind, i would like to ask. Stephen sure, that would be great. Russell, if you will indulge us. Again, this is true. I heard this is coming. Im a little nervous. She wrote b good on the show, and its a b. Stephen very nice. The fellowship of the rings being the first part of the lord of the rings, gandolph is trying to find the doors of mauria and a notch appears on the rock face. Do you remember that . Stephen yes, i remember that. Is that the question . The doors. What about them . All right, my question, is the archway appears on what page . audience reacts applause stephen well be right back with more Russell Crowe and ryan gosling get me a copy ryan gosling get me a copy band playing t its amazing ah, its like a Summer Breeze cracked window. Its that perfect cooling effect when you sleep. I can sleep the way that i sleep, and he sleeps the way that he sleeps, and we dont disrupt each other. Yeah, its just cool, its great my tempurbreeze makes me happy. My tempurbreeze makes me happier laughs discover the new tempurbreeze. 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Do you guys russell, do you guys still do your own stunts . I do less now than i used to. A lot of the elder actors that i work with would say, so youre going to do all the stuff yourself . Of course, you know. And they were kind of a little bit negative about it. And i thought, bleep that guy, im going to do my stuff. And as you get older and start losing tendons and stephen just losing them completely . Ive got no cartilage in my toes because of so much lateral movements and stops. Achilles tendents, shin splints, bone marrow disease and bad hips and every single injury bar one on my foot is from a movie. And you look back and think, that was wisdom they were trying to pass on to me. Stephen does ryan pass wisdom on to you . He does great physical things in this film and it wouldnt be the same if the director was cutting around a stunt man so its fantastic hes done so much in the movie applause my stunt guy brett was fully impaled by a bayonet and in true Australian Fashion came to work anyway, so it was hard to ask him to do anything after at. Stephen actually fully impaled . Yes. Im sensitive about my across the street run. I hold my hands out a little too forward. I know im supposed to, but i end up laughter but i didnt feel comfortable asking him to do that. Stephen i cant imagine anybody but the two of you doing this movie together because it is funny, but it is action and it is two tough guys, as i said before. Can you how did it become the two of you doing this together . Well, i was shocked when i heard my agent told me russell would not do the film without me. laughter i thought. Really . So that was incredible. whistling stephen did you have the same feeling . What . Stephen is that what happened . You said you wouldnt do the film without him . You did say that, right . Well, that was more a general thing about people called ryan. Because kind of there is a lot of ryans. They dont know youre joking, okay . Stephen . Really just tell them you couldnt have done it without me, lets tall a spade a call a spade a spade. It wouldnt have been the same experience. It wouldnt. So i guess im just unnecessary, then. I guess you could do this interview without me, then, couldnt you . The interview . Yeah. I probably could. audience reacts bye what . Bye. Bye. audience reacts bye. Stephen ryan. Bye stephen ryan cheers and applause ryan bye audience reacts cheering bye stephen ryan. Bye this is a much nicer chair, isnt it . Definitely. This is the first guest stephen thank you for staying for the rest of the interview. Very professional of you. Yeah. Ive got this football team, and i saw this. This is a hat that comes from the football team. You can buy these online, www. Rabbittears. Com. The oldest australian rug by league in existence. Stephen do you play rug by yourself . band playing stephen ryan, did you want to come back over here . Welcome back anytime. Just jamming with my pal, jon batiste. Stephen were trying to finish the interview. Oh, sorry. Do you need me now for the interview . Stephen i always needed you for the interview. Do you need ryan gosling now for the interview . cheering here we go. Anyway, may 20th. Stephen may 20th. May 20th, the nice guys. Stephen thats a week from friday. A week from friday. Cheerin cheering bye bye stephen ryan. cheering Stephen Ryan Ryan stephen ryan, ryan do something. Just you know what . Look, you know what . Ryan, please stay. Ryan cheering please. Please come back. Please, do something. cheering cheering applause stephen thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for coming back. Reload cheers and applause reload cheers and applause stephen ryan. Ryan. Thank you, russell. Ryan, thank you reload cheers and applause whoa. Stephen thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yes, thank you. Youre a minch. Stephen youre great. Thats great, i dont speak yiddish. Is this for me . Remade it for ryan reynolds, but bye. Stephen the nice guys is in theaters next week. Russell crowe and ryan gosling, everybody cheers and applause introducing new mist twst soda popped with juice. Its a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. Insist on the twist. Sc johnson this is claire in phoenix. Yes i help you . Great. Correct maam. This isnt an automated computer. Operator maam. Im here. Im live. Wait. Youre real . Yeah. With discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u. S. Day or night. Plus, were not going to waste your time trying to sell you a bunch of other products you dont really need. That is really nice of you. I feel really bad about shouting at you. Oh, you werent shouting. You were just speaking in all caps. 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Youre from evanston, illinois, and i went to school there northwestern university. Do you miss it there . I do sometimes. I miss the people. I was in the Theater Community there for a while and its an Amazing Community so i miss everybody. Stephen now youre on broadway in waitress based on the keri russell film. Yes. Stephen you played the waitress. One of the things that fascinates me about this is your character is makes biblically good pies, thats how shes described. And i understand they do Something Special at the show to get people in the mood to be at a diner. What do they do . They bake a pie in the lobby. . Literally bake a pie in the lobby. They talked for a while of we should have the smell of a pie in the theater. So i thought they would have a candle. Air wick or Something Like that . Yeah, or someone with a scratch and sniff play bills. Stephen that would be nice. But they bake a pie in the lobby. Someone put an oven back there. Stephen they blow the smell of pie out to the awed glens. You dont even have to blow it. It just comes. Stephen thats what people are doing when they laughter im so sorry. Its one of those nights. It is. Stephen pumping up the smell of fresh baked goods is what people do when they try to sell their house. Are they trying to move the theater or Something Like that . Possibly. Stephen the theater sent a pie, one of the pies they made for the show. Would you like a little pie . Ill have pie. You know what . I dont actually ever get to eat pie in the show. Other people do. I make a lot of pies but never get to eat it. Stephen well, good luck talking when youre eating pecan pie. The show, as it gets into deep human stuff, you know, the abdom National Human spirit, do you like human beings if. Im a fan. Im a fan. I believe all humans are good at the core. Sometimes things occur, and it gets a little messy. Life. But i think, you know, most of us have a good crust underneath, and i dont want to take cheers. Stephen cheers. Clink. Clink. Thats a good piece of pie stephen that is fantastic. Thats very gooey. Stephen mmmmmm. I can no longer remember anything we were going to talk about. Well just talk about the pie. Stephen mmm. How long did you play carole king on broadway . I think it was about a year and a half. Stephen oh, thats it . Almost two years from the out of town run that we did, yeah. cheers and applause stephen such a beautiful portrayal. Oh, thank you. Stephen do you constantly have the music in your head still or did you get it out of your head . I was just done listening to her the other day. It was amazing because i never got sick of her. I never got sick of the music. cheers and applause stephen incredible. She had 101 hit records. Seriously . Stephen yeah, shes a 101hit wonder. laughter i knew the music in the new musical waitress is fantastic, but would you indulge me with one carole king . Just right here. cheering because carole king is incredible. Its so perfect. Whats your favorite . Stephen will you still love me tomorrow. Oh, the answer is yes. Stephen oh, thats nice. Will you sing it with me . Im nervous. cheers and applause stephen d . humming tonight youre mine completely you give your love so sweetly. Tonight the light of love is in your eyes will you still love me tomorrow cheers and applause stephen waitress is ongoing now. Jessie mueller, everybody go get some pie well be right back band playing cheers and applause folding the laundry can you . No. Cleaning the windows the living rooms a disaster vo most Insurance Companies give you every reason to avoid them. Plants need planting well the leaves arent going to rake themselves vo nationwide is different. 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Stephen here performing floridada, ladies and gentlemen, animal collective cheers and applause child of limousines whats the best place that you have seen all of the hands that you have shook home of the queen of everything fancy is there a smell that you can tell gives you some peace sends you to hell all of the beds that you have yearned is there a dream to where youd return where is the plight with the most stars where do you drink by echo guitars whats the best shore seen from a boat flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada miniature heads that color the shore line if you could rest a minute to tell get me some grass iridescent shells i know theres a nest fit with a hatch sunset a glowin makes us all sweaty i dont even know where to begin or how i should start these days the Green Mountain south or the clay of the westerns the maryland meadows at midnight they do have a misty grace take a trip to blue bayou find roy orbison cryin a continent molded from glass or maybe a town i can taste dresses that glow on flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, the bridge that someones fighting over a bridge that someones paying for a bridge so old so let it go wheres the bridge thats gonna take me home the bridge that someones fighting over a bridge that someones paying for a bridge so old so let it go wheres the bridge thats gonna take me home the bridge that someones fighting over a bridge that someones paying for a bridge so old so let it go wheres the bridge thats gonna take me home the bridge that someones fighting over a bridge that someones paying for a bridge so old so let it go flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada flori, flori, flori, flori, florida floridada, floridada cheers and applause stephen their new album, painting with, is available now animal collective, everybody well be right back. Stephen thats it for the late show. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be matt bomer, zach woods and a performance by comedian nick griffin. Dont go away, james corden is next with his guest, mindy kaling. Goodnight cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun . And feel the love tonight. Dont you worry about where it comes from. Its the late, late show. Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kennebunkport, give it up forou