And a performance by comedian nick griffin. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now its time for the late show with Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey hey boom ba welcome. Hey, everybody. Hey, you down there. Sorry, i dropped my phone. I dropped my phone. I always just carry a phone with me. Just in case. I gotta go. I gotta talk to sorry, i gotta go. Hey, everybody. Let me have a shot of that. Actually, let me have a shot of that. And. Welcome to the late show. Thank you so much, everybody. Hi, jon. Jon happy birthday. Stephen thank you very much. Happy to be here. It is my birthday. Thank you so much, everybody. cheers and applause in case youre wondering, 15 and a half, 33, in case you want to get me something. We were talking about this yesterday, and were still talking about it today, everybodys talking about yesterdays closed door meeting between speaker of the house paul ryan and speaker of the mouth donald trump. Everybody. All the republicans are saying it went great. But bring the Republican Party together is going to be a slow process because paul ryan stressed that its very important we dont fake uniifying. Okay, yeah. Paul ryan doesnt want to fake it and trump is having trouble finding the g. O. P. Spot. laughter applause i hear its a myth. I hear jon hey, hey stephen i hear the g. O. P. Spot is a myth. laughter besides, people can smell fake unity a mile away, whether its the reunited guns n roses or postcivilwar america. It doesnt what else is happening in the news . What else is happening. Oh, right, donald trump. According to the Washington Post, back in the early 90s he would call news organizations pretending to be his own publicist to brag about himself, he hid behind a fake name. Its hard to believe that there was a time when donald trump was ashamed to say how tremendous he is. The Washington Post says they have recordings of multiple calls from Public Relations men who sound precisely like trump himself going by the name of john miller and sometimes john baron. Who said things about trump like hes doing hes doing tremendously well financially. Madonna wants to go out with him. Carla bruni is leaving mick jagger to date him. On top of those two, hes got three other girlfriends. And that doesnt even count the secret girlfriends hes got in canada. And in the 90s, trump admitted under oath he was john miller, and the whole thing was a joke gone awry. So a lot like his president ial campaign. cheers and applause jon he always telling his story, man. Stephen but this morning on the today show, trump said said this. Are you aware of the tape . Is it you . I dont know anything about it. Youre telling me about it for the first time. It doesnt sound like me at all. Stephen wow, i dont know who that guy on the phone was, but he does one hell of a john miller impression. Clearly donald trump acted as his own publicist under a pretend name, which is odd, but no odder than anything else hes ever done. And i just dont think theres any reason for him to deny phone rings sorry, i knew i should have shut this off. Hold on, i have to take this. Hello. Hello, stephen . This is Donald Trumps new p. R. Spokesman, john ald, uh. Melaniawitz. laughter applause stephen im sorry, melaniawitz . I mean, barron mcjohnington. Anyway, listen here, dummy. I was watching your show, and i dont like the lies youre telling about donald trump, who is my incredibly successful boss and definitely a different guy than me. Laugh stephen wait, youre saying that back in the 1990s donald trump did not pretend to be his own publicist . Of course not. He didnt have time back then. He was too busy banging madonna, and jessica rabbit. Stephen look, mr. Mcjohnington, jessica rabbit was animated. She sure was, if you know what i mean. We had loony tune sex. I mean, donald trump did. Stephen come on, youre obviously donald trump. I wish i was. The man is a god, an Unstoppable Force of charisma and sexual energy. Sometimes i wish i could have sex with him myself. Stephen look, mr. Mcjohnington whos that . Stephen its you. Not anymore. He got fired. Im his new publicist, milljohn ivankatower. Stephen look, mr. Trump mr. Trump is not available. Hes making love to taylor swift on a boat made of steaks. The best. Got to go stephen hello . I gotta go, too, hey. Say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Stephen me, too. cheers and applause stephen hey, do you guys like emojis . cheers and applause i love them. They are one of my favorite things. They express how i feel whether im feel happy or sad or flag of norway. All of my feelings. Everybody likes emojis but not everyone is properly represented in emojis. For instance, women are not well represented in the emoji world. But i just read that google has announced that its going to start producing new emojis that will represent professional women such as scientists, doctor, educators, and farmers. The farmer emoji, of course, fertilizer her field with the poop emoji. Im glad emojis are becoming more inclusive. It was only recently that they added skin Color Options to represent people who dont v have jaundice. Apparently, even though women use emojis more than men, theyre a little underrepresented in the emojiverse. Let me show you how uneven it is. If youre a man in the world of emoji, you can be a police officer, a british palace guard, a santa with a weird fleshbeard, a private investigator, a. I want to say bike helmet salesperson . A swami, a construction worker who also sells pot, and the saxophone player for stay human. cheers and applause put it up jimmy laughter fantastic i cant tell wait, which one of you is real . Which one of you do i shoot . I dont eddie, do you get any cash . Do you get your beak wet on that one . No, no money . I would sue. I would definitely sue. Now, on the female side, you can be a princess, a bride, a flamenco dancer, or the two slices of bread in a hugh hefner sandwich. Not exactly a ton of options for women. And when emoji men arent working at their marijuana factory jobs, they can do all sorts of leisure activities, such as running, walking while slouching upon golfing, surfing rowing a boat, swimming, biking obiking past a mountain, touring the world under the stage name john appleseed, weightlifting riding a horse, or being a levitating blues brother. Super useful. But for women, emojis dont have as many options. If you want to represent what you do to relax theres. Well. Did i mention you can flamenco dance . And maybe surf hard to tell the sex between the long hair and surf slacks. And, hey, maybe the person riding the gondola is a woman . Or maybe its a woman flying this rocket. And maybe this ghost was a woman. And she had a great career as a chemical engineer, but killed herself when she realized her only leisure activity was flamenco dancing. So i do hope the emoji world gets a few more women, because right now, its a bit of an eggplantfest. Well be right back with matt bomer. applause coming soon from progressive, its savin u, the new hit single from the dizzcounts. Cash money the Biggest Discount and understand. The dizzcounts. Safe driver, paperless, paidinfull, multicar and joey fatone. Savin you five hundred im savin you five hundred we have autotune, right . Oh, yeah. Thats a hit all yeah my son and i used to watch the red carpet shows on tv now, im walking them. Life is unpredictable being flake free isnt. Because i have used head and shoulders for 20 years. Used regularly, it removes up to 100 of flakes keeping you protected live flake free for life think you know tmobiles coverage . 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Happy birthday stephen oh, thank you very much, thank you very much. His birthday i get to be on i brought you a present. Its backstage, but youre a very svelte, so i cant imagine youll eat it. Stephen did you really bring me a birthday present . Yes. Stephen thats very nice. Its the least i can do. Stephen im working on my birthday. It doesnt seem fair at all. I heard something, did you really come here on the subway . Yeah, di. After about an hour in the car in new york rainy traffic rush hour, we switched over to the subway, hopped on the e train, and were here. Stephen did you get any attention . Were people like, hey, its ken from magic mike. Shake it up. I shook it. I tried to make some 1s and 5s on the way. Stephen exactly. You know, its very expensive to ride the subway now. Stephen its showtime, ladies. Cover that bill. Stephen thank you for being here. We had two of your compatriots last night. I heard. It got a little hairy but you were a great mediator. Ryan gosling and Russell Crowe were fighting over who needed one more than the other. That Russell Crowe is an intimidating guy. You fight him in this movie . I do fight him quite extensively. I fight both of them which was fun. I got to play grownup cop copsd robbers. It was one of the first things i filmed where russell was choking me quite severely and, you know stephen on camera. On camera. laughter in rehearsal. And, you know, its the gladearty. You have all these images. Stephen wasnt it maximus. Yes, basically fighting maximus. Good luck with that. I hope it goes well for you. Stephen he says he doesnt do his own stunts. Oh, yes he does. Stephen he says he doesnt. He said he leaves it to the other guys. He does his own stunt. Yeah, but we made it sure we had it down pat and had three takes instead of 20. I was terrified. I thought maybe he will choke me out. He wont kill me, but he might choke me. It will be great, it will be legitimate. Well get it on camera. Ill wake up at some point to smelling salt salts and everyboy will say go home, great job. But he was great about it and relaxing me, and as he put his large thumbs on my jugular, he said, this is is for magic mike. laughter applause at which point you have made it. A lot of guys are on board with that sentiment, i gotta say. You guys all you fit people made it tougher for those of us who dont flash it as much. laughter who perhaps have had more birthdays than you have had. laughter you feel any guilt about that . Theres how fit you are when youre doing magic mike and theres the fit you are when wh youre not doing magic mike and its not the same thing. Stephen you do seem kind of fat right now. Hey, fatty, hey, tubby. I ate some of your birthday gift. Stephen im doing to know what it is. What is it . I got you magnolia donuts and cupcake s. Stephen can we bring those out here. I want to eat them right now i dont believe you, ill eat the hedouble hockey sticks out of it. Stephen im from south carolina. Charleston. Savannahs sister city. Stephen savannah, ive heard of this. Stephen lets read the note. I wrote you a card. The pen didnt work very well. Stephen happy birthday, the pen didnt work very well. Thats what it says. Always acknowledge. Stephen have a beautiful day, best always, matt bomer. Thats so nice of you. Lets have one of these bad boys. Lets do it. Are we going to sharessies. Stephen oh, shoot, boy. I like chocolate. Stephen what . I like chocolate. Stephen lets do it. Take one, baby, take one, baby. Ill go chocolate, too. Cheers on this. Stephen lets do it. Can i do the biggest, nastiest bite i have ever done in my life. Lets do it. Lets see who can eat this and yes mmm mmm cheers and applause stephen thats nice. Mmm stephen im on a butter high right now. All right, let me ask you this. You play an assassin in this movie. Thats correct. Stephen how do you prep for that . How do you method for playing an assassin . Do you do a ridealong or something . We had an incredible brilliant, director, writer, shane black, who has been responsible for many of my formative cinematic experiences, he did kiss kiss bang bang, wroaght lethal woman i got to do really fun exepsive arms training but its kind of a testament to his twisted sense of humor that this character who is this mercless coldblooded assassin comes in the visage of john boy from the waltons. Everyone 25 and under is like, who . He basically in the 70s all you associated with good wholeheartedliness, and here he is a coldblooded assassin. So just that dichotomy alone was fun to play with. Stephen did you meet an assassin . No, no, i didnt. They were hard to find. I put an ad out there. No one respond hold on a second. Hold on a second. Im going to sell this on ebay now. laughter and my mom will buy it for 50 cents. Stephen isnt that sweet . Very sweet. Stephen are your parents down with you being an actor . Sometimes parents worry about it, especially some places not associated with where in texas are you from . Im from outside houston from a town called spring. Stephen not a lot of show business in spring, texas, im guessing. Not so much. Stephen were you parents worried about you going into show business or were they very supportive . They did. They were a little rit cent. Whatever the 1996 equivalent of a Powerpoint Presentation is i gave them in terms of how i was going to audition for conservatories and when i was done with conservatories how i would get an agent and laid out the game plan as best i could for them to assuage their fears. Stephen you must have been a child at this point. I was 17. Stephen thats getting there. Yeah. Stephen were you a theater nerd as a kid . Yeah. Stephen theater camp and stuff like that . Absolutely. I didnt do the camp so much because i also played sports and things like that. Stephen what did you play . What was your sport . Football and track, no big deal. applause stephen me, too, i played by the way, neither of which i was very good at. Stephen thats not as nerdy as it could be. I played hacky sack. I envy those guys, man because i cant sack for crap. Is that the proper term, sack . Stephen i like imagining it. Yeah, yeah. I cant sack for crap. Stephen sack for crap. I cant, i can hit it maybe two, three times and im done. Stephen we should polish off the rest of these . And see what happens. Stephen see what happens. Youll be sack like mad, my man. Well have a doublehack snack. Okay, cool, i love it. Stephen hey, magic mike is being made into a vegas show. Yes stephen are you i applause anything that would get you back on stage . You dancing alongside me. Stephen its a deal. As long as i know you got the moves. Stephen weve got the moves. Lets tell chaneyitateum right now. Stephen channing. He just committed, channing. Stephen channing, the three of us. The nice guys opens next friday. Matt bomer, everybody show traffic band playing he could install your ceiling fan. Ce said he couldnt. And that one time ron said another chili dog was a good idea. Yeah, it wasnt. So when ron said youd never afford a john deere tractor, you knew better. Now ron does too. The e series. Legendary john deere quality. Unexpected low price. E series compact tractors come with an industrybest, sixyear, nocost powertrain warranty. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody. You know nigh next guest from the office, the good wife, and his hit show Silicon Valley. I couldnt sit there and watch them do that to you. I hope i dont end up fired over this. What you did took incredible gut and the fact that it probably wont make any difference makes it all the more meaningful. I saw this Nature Documentary where a bison fought a lion to protect the rest of the herd. And it was so moving. It didnt work, the lion tore into the bison and laid waste to the herd, but, what courage. Thank you. Jared. Stephen please welcome zach woods. applause stephen nice to have you. Thank you for having me. Stephen congratulations on the show, its great. Thanks, stephen. Stephen but i understand you wouldnt know that because you never watch it. That is correct. I do not watch the show. Stephen why not . Its really good. You would enjoy it. I am so selfconscious that if i watch it, i just im a writhing mess. So i dont watch it. For all i know its a terrible show. Stephen its not. Its a very good show. What are you selfconscious about . Are you afraid you wont be good in it . Yeah, theres a fair amount of that but, you know, when you watch yourself on tv youre confronted with the full weirdness of your own face. Even now, i just looked at one of these monitors and felt like an ice cube melting in my chest. Stephen actually, youre absolutely transcendently normallooking person. Thank you. Stephen oh, yeah, that guy. I think its partly because matt bomer was just here and hes, like air, different species than me. Stephen he is, he is a magical, like, elvin woodland creature. His eyes are like glaciers. Stephen they are. It took me a while to crawl out of them. I shared a cupcake with him. Oooh stephen yeah, incredible. Do you want a cupcake . I couldnt possibly. Stephen tell me about your character, jarod dunn. Is he based on anybody . Hes the Business Development side of the company. Stephen the normal side. Yeah, the normal side, the less hes sort of a maternal presence in the house and i sort of based him on my mom. Stephen thats sweet. Does she know this . She does know it. Stephen is she happy about it . She has mixed feelings. I think shes psyched about it. My mom is selfaggregating and will give up any comfort for other people and i took that behavior to her and exaggerated it to problematic extremes. Stephen did you ever at any point think you might be in tech or anything like that. Or being comedian or an actor and a comed arng all you ever wanted to be . No, im terrified of tech. But i did briefly want to be a musician when i grew up. Stephen what was your instrument . I played trumpet. And i loved it. And yeah laughter but then i got braces and i couldnt play anymore. It messed everything up. Stephen how long did you have the braces on . I had the braces for a couple of years but that was enough that like, you know stephen it messes it up. I used to get this is a very gruesome detail to divulge, but i used to take plyers and take out the braces because i was so frustrated but you have to get them back on. Theyre not just like, okay, youre good. Yeah. Stephen how did your parents find out . Were you going, im fine. Great. Wow, that must have been agonizing . Yeah, it wasnt great.