band playing stephen hey hey hey cheers and applause thanks so much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hey thanks so much. Thank you, mark. Welcome to the late show. Welcome to the late show, everybody, please hey, chris. Thanks so much, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Thats awfully nice. Thank you, thank you. You know what . This is what lets me work all day and party all night. cheers and applause haha im stephen colbert. Im your host here for the late show. And you know what . Ive wasted enough time. Donald trump. laughter speaking of wasting time, donald trump. Last night, donald trump appeared at an event here near off Chris Christies campaign debt. Now, remember, christie endorsed trump back in february, and by endorse i mean stood behind him wishing for the sweet embrace of death. cheers and applause christie is also now heading up trumps transition team. And last night, trump showed just how much he appreciates christies help. With carrier and ford and nabisco leaving chicago, with their big plant, they are moving to mexico. I am not eating oreos any more, you know that. But, neither is chris. You are not eating oreos anymore. Stephen wow damn it has got to hurt to be called fat by fitness model donald trump. cheers and applause and just remember, this was a Chris Christie fundraiser, in front of all of his friends and family. Can you imagine what trumps best man speech would be like . Id like to congratulate the lovely bride and the chunkistador she married laughter no wedding cake for you no wedding cake for you well, its hard to watch that and just stand here and do nothing. I want to take a second to talk to Chris Christie, who im sure right now is at home in an oreo sleeveshame spiral. Chris, look, i know you made a commitment to support trump, but dont let him treat you like this. Youre beautiful the way you are. No one, no one, should fat shame you, especially at a new jersey fundraiser. Okay . cheers and applause i believe their state bird is the sausage. Yeah. The bird call gobbagoo, gobbagoo i guess what im saying is, Chris Christie, you can do better. And, god, i would give anything to mean that. cheers and applause i would. But believe it or not, theres a republican even more embarrassing than trump congressional candidate mike webb. A candidate running for congress has made a name for himself. Mike webb describes himself as a conservative republican and on facebook lists his Favorite Book as the bible. Take a close look at this. He posted this google search. Yup, what he didnt know was that the tabs for porn sites were still open when he took the screenshot stephen yes, yes, exciting. Taking a screenshot while looking at porn . That is embarrassing. Also, ive got to say, impressive. Youve got to hit commandshift four using only one hand. I cant imagine. cheers and applause okay, so what was the porn . Well, lets take a look one tab says layla rivera tight and the letters bo, maybe booty, maybe body; and ivone sexy amateur. Ive got to say, its refreshing to see him supporting the sexy amateurs out there. Theyre just in it for the love of the game, unlike those sellout pros who do it for the money. Of course, theres nothing wrong with the occasional proam every once in a while for charity. laughter cheers and applause im sorry. What was what was i talking about . Oh, right, mike webb. Naturally, webb had a simple explanation for why the porn tabs were open, and by simple, i mean a 2,000word statement. It begins, curious by nature, i wanted to test the suggestion that somehow, lurking out in the pornographic world, there was some evil operator waiting for the oneinagazillion chance that a candidate for federal office would go to that particular website, and thereby be infected with a virus that would cause his or her f. E. C. Data file to crash the f. E. C. Okay, first off, curious by nature . Never begin your porn video explanation with the name of another porn video. laughter cheers and applause second cheers and applause secondly, secondly, this explanation is way more embarrassing than just admitting you watch porn. Its like youre claiming you only picked up a prostitute so you could drive her to the police station. So, mike webb, please do not feel embarrassed. Even if voters did see this story on the internet, theyve already moved on. To watch more porn. Okay, so excuse me . Excuse me, sir. Stephen yes, whats up . We were just wondering, when does the singing start . Where are the sequins . Where are the hot latin rhythms . This is nothing like what it said in the playbill, honey. I know, i know. Stephen oh, my god. I remember you people. Youre the same people who came here a couple of months ago thinking you were seeing fiddler on the roof. Im so sorry, no, youre in the wrong theater again. Oh, no, this isnt on your feet, the irresistible musical story of emilio and Gloria Estafan . You know, they were two people who believed in their talent and each other. Stephen no, im sorry, this is this is the late show with stephen colbert. Are you sure . Oh, my god. And we made a special trip here all the way from topeka for jonah. We thought it was really important for him to learn about his culture. Stephen oh, are you folks cuban . No, but his grandparents live in miami. Stephen well, jonah, im really sorry that you didnt get to see on your feet. Me, too. Im dying. laughter stephen oh, oh, my god, are you sick . Oh, no, hes fine, hes fine. Hes just dying to see the show. Finish your sentences, young man stephen listen, i hate to disappoint you. You came all the way from kansas. I wish i could help you, i wish i could think of a way. A way . Yes, a way. Oway, oway oway, oway oway oh ohh ah oway oh ohh ah at night when you turn off all the lights theres no place that you can hide oh, no the rhythm is gonna get you tonight come on shake your body baby do that conga know you cant control yourself any longer feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger dont you fight it til you try it do that conga beat everybody gather round now let your body feel the heat let your body feel the heat dont you worry if you cant dance let the music move your feet shake your body shake your body shake your body come on shake your body baby do that conga cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen the rhythm just got me. laughter wow. She she didnt kiss me in rehearsal. I dont know what to do with my feelings right now. Let me have a little sip right here. That was full contact broadway. laughter i dont know if yall saw this yesterday, but this fella named kanye west, stopped by the number one place for hiphop ellen. laughter and did you see this, jon . Did you see this . Jon i saw that. I saw that. Stephen this is pure kanye. Pure unadulterated kanye. Because no one else was allowed to speak. For almost eight minutes kanye held forth on every subject from kanye to west. You tweeted out that you wanted Mark Zuckerberg to give you 53 million. In hindsight, should that have gone on facebook . Yes, i should have put it on facebook. Now, i understand why he didnt hit me back. I feel that if i had more resources, i could help more people. I have ideas that can make the human race existence within our 100 years, better. Period. bleep the paparazzi, whatever perception you have of me, starting with the truth, starting with what everyone is thinking, start there. Put some dope bleep with it. The exact amount of emotion and color palates and sonics and everything that i put into my music, i put them into the shoes. And they worked. I dont give a bleep how much youve sold. If youre playing on radio, are you connecting . Picasso is dead. Steve jobs is dead. Walt disney is dead. Name somebody living that you can name in the same breath as them. When i make clothes, its funny, because i would sit there with obama, and leos talking about the environment. And then im talking about clothes, and everyone looks at me like, thats not an important issue, or something. But i remember going to school in fifth grade and wanting to have a cool outfit. I called the head of payless. Im like, i want to work with you. Im sorry, daytime television. Im sorry for the realness. laughter stephen no apologies necessary, no apologies. That was the realest daytime tv has gotten since bob barker neutered a cat on live tv. Did it right on the dinette set. Now, a lot of people are saying that kanye engaged in a rambling, incoherent word dump. I disagree. But i understand kanye because were a lot alike. I feel like if Mark Zuckerberg gave me 53 million, i could buy more shoes. laughter i got some rockports at payless. Theyre ugly, but theyre great for slipping on in the morning to get the paper. I have ideas that can make human existence better. Period. End of sentence. Punctuation. Semicolon. Ellipses. Parentheses. I want to make better hot dog buns. People say thats crazy when i talk to them about hot dog buns. But when i was in second grade, i ate hot dogs. I called oscar meyer. Im like, we got to make longer buns that match the length of hot dogs, all right. I want to take everything ive learned from lunch and put it into a bun. Because, yes, yes, we have no bananas. Humans are connected. Picasso is dead. Walt disney is dead. Sleeping beauty . Not dead. Just looks dead. Somebody kiss me. Im a pretty girl. Wheres my castle . Wheres my apple . I was raised by wolves. I was raised by wolves. Tarzan was my nanny. I want to change the world, man. I want to invent fashion that stops Global Warming and a computer that fixes racism. I want to own a boat so big it ends poverty. Im sorry. Im sorry, latenight tv. Im sorry for the realitude. Im sorry for dropping honesty clusters into your healthy morning breakfast cereal. I have resources that can help the human race, 100 years in the future and 100 years in the past. Thats my skill set color palettes. Soft palates. Soft cheeses. Easy cheesie. Lemon squeezie. Talking about yeezy. George and weezy. Were all moving on up and well be right back with seth rogan. Or right forward, because time is an arrow that points in the opposite direction of history. I got a bplus in history. cheers and applause ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh what are we ahhhing about . My money, its gone thats just bad security you know. 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Lost love is sweeter when its finally found dont wake me im not dreaming band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. You know and love my next guest from such fine films as knocked up, superbad, and pineapple express, and now, neighbors 2 Sorority Rising. Just you dancing is enough to distract the entire sorority . I dont know about that. That will work. It usually works. I dont even know where we are right now. Im ready. No i dont have the baby oil. Its not a big deal. No, its the most important thing. With baby oil you get, like, two extra lines here. Really . Yes. Hold on hold on hold on lets go. Oh, thats hot oh, thats really hot ow, it burns. Rub it in. Rub it in. Oh, my god. Get it all over. What . Were in a rush come on, man, get his thighs. Stephen please welcome seth rogen. band playing cheers and applause welcome. Thank you. Stephen do you often get Standing Ovations . No, people exclusively sit for me when i enter rooms so that was very nice. Stephen nice to see you again. Great to see you. Stephen last time you and i were together was over at the old show. Yes. Stephen and that was a very special day for you because you were there for your movie the interview. Yes, and as i was there, i was being embroiled in an international incident. Stephen because the movie was about you and james franco interviewing kim jong un. And they were not happy about that. Has that blown over . I hope so. Actually, it was during your show, essentially, like, when i came out to promote it, i had a movie, and when i came off the interview the movie was not in theaters anymore, essentially. Stephen thats how well the interview went. I was like man, thats a bummer. And then they told me i would have an armed guard with me at all times, which, again, is not what you want to hear. Stephen that is not why you went into comedy . Exactly. And i had him for a few weeks, and one day i woke up and went outside and he was gone. laughter stephen did you notice, at first . Oh, yeah oh, no, i instantly noticed he was gone. And i prayed it coincided with my newfound safety. But i think it just coincided with somebody didnt want to pay for him anymore. And literally just saw it on a log, were still paying for this guy . Send him home. And i called franco, and i said, is your guy still there . And he said, oh, no, hes gone, also. No ones killed us yet, so i guess thats good news so far. Stephen so happy, its awfully nice. It is nice. Stephen it really is nice. Its really nice that no one killed us. Stephen living is good, more living is better. The more im alive the better i am not dead. You know what they say. Stephen they do. Theyll say it now. They will from now on. Stephen one of the things you said at the time is you liked writing about real stuff, and this was a real thing, this dictator. Now youre writing about other real stuff because youre one of the writers and creators of neighbors 2 Sorority Rising. Yes, the most unnecessary thing after a colon, maybe, of all time. Stephen but the Sorority Rising part of it is the real part. I did not know this, sororities cannot have parties. In america, if youre part of the greek system, sororities are not allowed to throw parties in their own houses. In a lot of houses, if theres more than three women in it, in a lot of states its considered a brothel. Stephen honest to god, this movie, people were saying it has a feminist bent to it because its allowing women to be just as terrible as as disgusting as men are, yes, finally. Yes, if one thing if women are earned the right for anything, its to be as gross and disgusting as men are. Stephen i went to Northwestern University and at northwestern, in evanston, in that town, its still the law there, if more than two women are living in a house together who are not related, its considered a brothel. No, its a real thing its psychotic. And i go to these places and i throw money at them and nothing happens. laughter and im, like, hey. Stephen its terrible. Its on your books, man. Why are you advertising something that youre not . But im only into people who are related, so it doesnt work out. laughter stephen thats good. Thats good. You might want to get the Security Guard back. I should get him back. Stephen i understand you did research for this movie by looking at pranks . On youtube . Yes, there are a lot of pranks in the film, people a prank war breaks out. And so, yeah, youtube is the best resource for people doing really mean things to each other. And there is a prank in the movies where people put airbags in each others seats and launch them up in the air, and thats, like, a real thing people do to each other. Stephen seriously. Yes. Stephen that was in the first movie and i thought, no, that will kill you. It will kill you, but people are still doing it to one another to hilarious results, generally speaking. Stephen did you do did you do pranks when you were younger . Did you do violent things for fun . I got into a pyromaniacal phase. Stephen who didnt . Where one day all my toys just turned from being the things i love to things i could explode with fireworks. Stephen you find out those little army men melt . Yeah, they burn. Stephen everything is napalm. Everything will explode. And in high school, around halloween, the weed dealers would start selling explosives as well as weed. Stephen so, wait, they would come to you, do you want a dime bag and mighty mights or some cherry bombs. Stephen thats that seems like a dangerous combination. Its a super dangerous combination. And they both require ignition, i guess, is the only common thread. But, yeah, so we would yeah, they would give you deals, honestly. Which, again stephen where did you live that fireworks were illegal . I grew up in South Carolina where everything, all fireworks were illegal. Im from vancouver, british columbia. Where fireworks are illegal, but firecrackers, like cherry bombs stephen m80s. M80s, were not legal but weed dealers would sell them at great prices. Stephen did you ever do this one . We would take the cardboard tubes out of a hanger, and stick it through a big gulp lid to protect your hands and put bottle rockets in that and ride our bikes down the street and joust with each other. We would take golf clubs and knock the club part off so it was just a big, metal tube, essentially, and we would fill them with bottle rockets and shoot them at each other stephen yeah. In, like, really violent ways. My friend mike sopersky burned his hand really bad one year, actually im sorry, mike. laughter stephen i have to get to something here, your mother did that is after my own heart. Your mother gave you is this true, she gave you a book . A book called learn the didgeridoo. Why did she give you a book on how to learn the didgeridoo . She was in australia and she also got me a didgeridoo, whoa, but heres the thing. This is amazing because she got me a didgeridoo, and a book on how to learn to play the didgeridoo. If theres anything thats hard to learn to play from a book, i assume its the didgeridoo. Stephen im guessing you put your mouth on something shaped like this many times before. I have, yes. Stephen want to give it a shot . Give me a note, jon . Do you not know how to do it . You have to get your lip all fat in there . Get a fat lip going. Whoa whoa cheers and applause stephen neighbors 2 Sorority Rising in theaters today. Seth rogen, everybody, lets do it cheers and applause take on the unexpected with a car that could stop for you. Nissan safety shield technologies, available in the altima, sentra and maxima. Now get 0 apr for up to 72 months, plus 500 bonus cash. Out out get get get grrr did you find everything okay, sir . Whaaaaat . The strength test. Like leather, skin is stronger when its hydrat