Lindsay vonn. And musical guest Gustavo Dudamel with the simoon boliivar Symphony Orchestra of venezuela. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause captioning sponsored by cbs stephen whats up . Good to see you. Wooo wooo cheers welcome, welcome, everybody. Thats awfully nice. Thats awfully nice. What a wonderful audience. How is everybody feeling tonight . Feeling all right . cheers and applause welcome to the late show, im Stephen Colbert. I hope everyone watching down in florida, georgia, and the carolina coasts is staying safe right now. Matthew looks like a category 4 by the time it makes landfall. So, please, hunker down, hunker up, or just hunker the hell out of there. But if you do have to evacuate, please remember, we are available on cbs all access. You can take us with you. Speaking of disasters, were the Vice President ial debate was last night. And were still sorting through the flaul out of last nights Vice President ial debate. Consensus is mike pence was the winner, though theres still no consensus on which one of those guys was mike pence. laughter in fact, in fact this is a fact in fact, according to one article, after the dust settled, mike pence was the clear winner of the debate. Theres only two problems with that source one, it was from the official g. O. P. Website. And, two, they posted it almost two hours before the debate began. cheers and applause thats how good thats how good thats now good pence was. He tore a rift in the spacetime continuum to prewin the debate. Perhaps, next, pence can use his mutant timebending powers to fulfill the g. O. P. s ultimate fantasy and bring america back to 1953. Now, the ratings of last nights matchup were about half of the president ial debate, possibly because polls show that more than 40 of americans cannot name who is running for Vice President , in contrast to the 90 who are desperately trying to forget whos running for president. laughter but everyone everyone big applause. Jon thats far out. Stephen huge amnesia fans here tonight. But everyone is saying mike pence did well. Maybe too well. When i asked a senior trump adviser, the response was immediate he won, pence won overall, but he lost with trump. Mike pence is getting. Headlines after the debate saying donald trump did badly but mike pence did really well, maybe he should have been at the top of the ticket. And what the adviser said was, you know, that donald trump does not like to be upstaged. whistles . Stephen man, has got to be tough. As much as i disagree with trump, the last thing i want is for the guy to feel like hes being overshadowed. Trumps very sensitive. People praising mike pence too much might push trump over the edge. applause then again, mike pence great guy. I mean, hes just a strong, rockhard specimen of a man. You just look at him and think world leader. And did you see his hands . Theyre massive cheers and applause theyre massive jon big hands. Definitely, defendant the hands of a man who could keep a wife. I bet he could make some amazing deals. I mean, we all know Donald Trumps a genius, but mike pence might be the kind of genius who doesnt lose a billion dollars. I trust i trust mike pence so much, i wouldnt even want to see his taxes. Someone should give that guy a tv show. Does mike pence sell any hats . The point is, it was a big, big night for the pencetrump ticket. I am sorry, i meant it was a big night for donald peninsula. I mean, the guy who lives in pence tower. I mean, trump tower. I dont know why i say pence tower. And i dont know why i had my Graphics Team make this photo. It looks natural, though. One of the big themes of the night was a focus on Donald Trumps other running mate, vladimir putin. laughter governor pence broke with trumps praise of putin to issue this warning about the dangers of a resurgent russia. What were dealing with is is you know, theres an old proverb that says the russian bear never dies. It just hibernates. Stephen yes, yes. Of course, he left off the end of that proverb, it hibernates, then wakes up with a huge boner for donald trump. cheers and applause now, normally, when you hear a proverb, you smile, wait for grandpa to nod off, then rifle through his wallet before you tiptoe out of the room. Hes not going to miss a 20. But this one deserves a little more attention, because it has come to light that mike pence may have just made up that ancient proverb about russia. Made it up. This could be the biggest Trump Campaign scandal since melania quoted the ancient proverbs of michelle obama. laughter applause jon quotation. Stephen now it turns out this was not the first time that particular ancient proverb was used. Mike pence was actually quoting Renowned Russian folklorist, mike pence, who used the same quote about the russian bear going into hibernation in an interview back in 2014. Those were in the ancient days 2014. Those were the ancient times when we cured diseases by pouring ice buckets on our heads. cheers and applause i happen to know and then three other people get it. I happen to know thats not the only Russian Proverb mike pence has made up. I have the rest here in mike pences book of ancient russian. Proverbs. applause beautiful, beautiful edition, Beautiful Limited Edition here. And here are some that guided proverbs we taped into the front page here. The wise polar bear pretends to be deaf when asked to defend the orange jackass. cheers and applause jon youre right, yeah. Yeah. Stephen the snow leopard seems more powerful when he allows himself to be interrupted by the desperate groundhog. And heres one that informed some of his controversial legislation when he was governor of indiana. The wily fox may escape the hunters snare, but you shouldnt have to bake a wedding cake for two dudes. applause okay. Who dudes. And i certainly hope he remembers this proverb the fool that outperforms his master shall soon be thrown from the tower. cheers and applause and mike pence isnt the only trump 0 gat who had a big, big day yesterday. Former new york city mayor and goodwill squanderer Rudy Giuliani went viral thanks to this photo of him smoking a cigar with four men in a car. And judging by the look of them, one in the trunk. laughter applause keep it down keep it down a lot of people speculating about who was in the backseat. Many are guessing it was disgraced former fox news c. E. O. Roger ailes. Hard to tell from this photo. It couldve been any slowly melting sexual predator. cheers and applause no one knows where they were headed, but from the looks of that photo, they went over to the docks to meet with their goons about killing the batman. Of course, both of those men strongly support donald trump. Who, by the way, said something embarrassing this week. I know thats shocking to hear. You know the phrase business acumen . People who have skill or knowledge about business, how important it is to prove your business acumen. Well, this is trump on monday i was able to use the tax laws of this country and my business acumen to dig out of the real estate mess. Stephen yes, business acumin, the main ingredient in business acurry. laughter cheers and applause spicy. A little spicy. But this mispronunciation isnt that surprising to anyone who studied at Trump University laughter we here at the late show have obtained this short educational film that forms the entirety of Trump Universitys curriculum. Jim . So you want to stabbed out from the crowd in the crowded field of business. To do that, youll need to brush up on your business acumin. Business acumin inis important in the a huge part of business acumen is aappearance and it stars starts with the proper weardroab. Youll need slicks, and a shiny pair of shuz. The important part of business acumin is a proper vocabulary. Step three, congraishiations. Thats literally all the acumin you need to win all your dreams bigley all the time. Fabulous. The best. cheers and applause stephen you graduated. You graduated. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Armie hammer is here and lindsay vonn is here. When we return, ill tell you about one of the top threats facing local news anchors. Stuck around. Go paperless, dont stress, girl i got the discounts that you need safe driver accidentfree everybody put your flaps in the air for me go paperless, dont stress, girl i got the discounts that you need safe driver accidentfree everybody put your flaps in the air for me i cant lipsynch in these conditions. Savings oh, yeah my guessing game is strong way too real to be wrong caught up in your show yeah, at least now i know it wasnt love, it wasnt love it was a Perfect Illusion was she expecting to find ther perfect designer boots at such an amazing price . No. But thats the beauty of a store full of surprises. You never know what youre gonna find, but you know youre gonna love it. How do they make starburst taste so juicy . They use wicked small fighter jets to shoot the juiciness into every starburst. [ pilot ] its about to get juicy. Whoo i feel so aliii. It takes guts. [ female announcer ] starburst. Unexplainably juicy. Oh, its actually. S your sfx short balloon squeal its ver. Sfx balloon squeals ok can we. Sfx balloon squeals im being so serious right now. I really want to know how your coffee is. Its. Sfx balloon squeals hahahaha, i had a 2nd balloon goodbye oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasnt it . Yeah. Happens to more people than you think. Try lactaid, its real milk, without that annoying lactose. Mmm. Good right . Yeah. Lactaid. Its the milk that doesnt mess with you. [ clearing throat ]w turthe new golf alltrack. K. With 4motion allwheel drive. Soon to be. Everywhere. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Welcome back, folks. You know jon, thank you so much. Jon yeah. Stephen i dont think i could do a live show last night and turn around and do this show tonight without the energy you guys have. How do you keep your energy up . Jon man, the music is just inspiring when we play. Stephen really . Jon yeah. Stephen i have to learn how to play music. Jon you do play music, trumpet. Stephen i play a cup oficoy is mostly what i play. Theres a story ive avoided talking about for months now because it contains a disturbing level of clown laughter parents, you may want to send your kids out of the room and then leave the room yourself. Jim . Clown panic. A nation on edge over creepy clown sightings around the country. Sinisterlooking clowns with white painted faces have been spotted prowling neighborhoods. Creepy clown sightings now spreading across the country. The clowns were near a playground when they started cursing at the children and throwing sticks. He saw clowns whispering in the woods. The reports that the clowns are just standing under street lamps, waving. Clowns. Creepy clowns. Creepy clowns. Creepy clowns. Not the fun type of clowns. This one was holding a knife. laughter applause cheers stephen clowns are everywhere, and theyre terrorizing our local news anchors apparently, this nightmare all started in south carolina, where several residents at an apartment complex said that people in clown makeup had been terrorizing both children and adults. Yes children and adults everyone is scared of clowns. In fact, the only thing creepier than a clown is someone who laughs at clowns. Haha hes dressed like hes poor. And look at his swollen feet. Somethings hearsayly wrong with him. Haha and since those initial clown sightings, there have been evil clowns reported in alabama, maryland, georgia, and new jersey. The clown epidemic is spreading faster than herpes in a clown car. Yesterday, someone even asked about creepy clowns at a White House Press conference. Come on the white house has more important things to worry about, like which i dont give a bleep anymore hat obama is going to wear today. We didnt make that photo up. Now, many of the sightings have turned out to be false reports, children with overactive. Imaginations, and teenagers pulling pranks. Damn you, teenagers dont you have Something Better to do, like taking drugs or getting each other pregnant . Come on laughter take the trucks. It helps with the pregnant part. Dear cbs, i am pregnant now. Of laughter but all the coverage laughter thats people complaining. cheers and applause i took drugs and now im pregnant. Thanks, colbert. But all the coverage of these hoaxes has led to copycat creepy clowns and made professional clowns worry that theyll become targets of vigilantes, with one clown saying, i walked into a event in a brightcolored hat and vest, and one of the first things someone said was, oh my god. Its a clown in a frightened way. Thats right. Someone said oh my god its a clown in a frightened way. laughter as opposed to the only other two ways you can say that sentence annoyed and horny. laughter oh my god oh my god its a clown i feel for these clowns. Theyre just trying to entertain us. They shouldnt have to answer for the actions of a few insane possies. Thats why we here at the late show can proud to present the following p. S. A. Jim. Clowns arent supposed to be scary. Im just a normal guy who wares silly clothe clothes and coversf in paint to dance in front of children. Clowns are people, too. If you prick us, we bleed. All this blood, yeah, some guys jumped me in thing lot. I dont know what i just want to make people laugh. Whats funnier than a grown man in big sthiewz and makeup . Maybe a fat guy falling down but thats it. Now im afraid women might think the ideal of sex with me is creepy. I just want to make children laugh and adults uncomfortable. Do you want to hear a joke . Knock, knock . Whos there . Im sorry cut, cut scary clowns. Knock it off. Youre making us look silly. laughter please, give us back our dignity. laughter cheers and applause stephen well be right back with armie hammer. applause the new ford escape. Life is a sport. We are the utility. Be unstoppable. King me. rico thinking this must be how Odell Beckham feels when he scores a game winning touchdown. Announcer beckham scores giants touchdown crowd noise Odell Beckham thinking this must be how rico felt when he triple jumped mr. Sanchez pepsi hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Why get your eyes checked the Old Fashioned way, when lenscrafters can digitally map them for you. Introducing clarifye, no other eyeexam is more precise. Nope, its lemonade. Is that icet . Lemonade. Icet . Whats with these people, man . Lemonade, read the sign. Lemonade. Read it. Ok. Delicious. Icet at a Lemonade Stand . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money marin saved by switching to geico. Yo, icet its lemonade, man fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Folks, you know my first guest from movies like, j. Edgar, the man from u. N. C. L. E. And from his role as the winklevoss twins in the social network. His new movie is birth of a nation. Please welcome armie hammer applause quite the curveball. Stephen ive been working on my bowling. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. Stephen nice to see you. A pleasure. Stephen id like to start off with something im sure youve heard before but i cant get over what a great name armie hammer is. I disagree. Stephen what is wrong with the name . Its like being named g. I. Joe. Armie, armie, hammer. Conceptual you i get it. But if youre in a loud room and somebody says, whats your name . Armie hammer. What harvey mammer. Stephen harvey hammer sounds like a porn name. Like armie hammer doesnt . Its a loselose. Stephen it kind of is like a porn name. Its hard when youre five. Especially since its short for armond, which is a big name for a kid. Stephen armond hammer. Its the worst, literally the worst. Stephen but you were named for your greatgrandfather who was the billionaire owner of occidental petroleum. Yes. Stephen which sounds like the Bad Corporation in a batman movie by the way. By the the way, its an oil corporation. This is a Bad Corporation. Thats just the way it goes. Sorry. Stephen is it true tell me if this is true that people would ask your greatgrandfather if he was the same agz the baking soda. Stephen arm hammer. But he was not. He enjoyed so much there was this baking soda company that had the same name he was like, i would like to buy your baking soda company. They said, we appreciate it. We think its funny, too, that its your name, but it is not for sale. And he said okay. A couple of years later they became a publicly traded company and he bought a majority of the stock. Stephen when people said are you armond hammer of arm hammer, he said, yes i am. I understand you spent part of your childhood growing up in the qamen islands. I did. Stephen what did you learn there that you couldnt library anywherees. I can climb a coconut tree. Stephen that comes in handy. Thats an impressive first date. Its actually my litmus test on dates. If she cant climb a coconut tree my with of can scale a coconut tree. You should see her. Stephen can she do that . I dont know. Stephen heres an odd thing. I hope ill make a big choice right now, and i hope i havent been lied to. Oh, boy. Stephen i understand youre something of a knot enthuse aft. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Stephen why . laughter please tell me youre a sailor. Yeah. They make sense laughter theyre theyre logical, like knots just make sense. Theres, in a weird kind of nerdy way, theres a language to them. Its mans oldest tool. Like, we were using ropes before we invented the wheel. Its a pretty handy thing. Stephen its not the oldest tool, but its the oldest you can show in public. Fair enough, fair enough. Yeah. Stephen so, weve got a couple of lengths of some basic rope here. Heres heres a bit of rope. Its also its also a Wicked Good Party trick. People get thrilled when you pull out rope at a party. Stephen i didnt realize it was that kind of party. They figure just the coolest but its also a good way to win a bet. Stephen do you travel