Transcripts For KYW The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 20170

Whatever sean spicer is saying. And just like that, poof. laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes bob odenkirk. Tatiana maslaney. And author George Saunders. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause good to see you. Hey cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome to the late show, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. I am happy to be your host, Stephen Colbert. Lets see, so much to talk about tonight. I thought the show was going to be about one thing and then the other thing happened. So im going to talk about the third thing i didnt expect. laughter this afternoon, we learned that trumps secretary of labor nominee and suburban dentist you meet at the swingers party, andy puzder, has withdrawn his nomination. cheers and applause just to be clear withdraws his nomination. Just to be clear. This is not a scandal. He says he just wants to spend more time with michaels flynn. Puzder beautiful name by the way, puzder. Musical name, puzder. laughter the c. E. O. Of hardees and carls jr. , was controversial for many reasons. He had an undocumented housekeeper, made ads that famously objectified women, and called his own fast food employees the worst of the worst. Thats not right. Thats not right. Hardees employees are great. Its the food thats the worst of the worst. cheers and applause but. cheers and applause i gotta say oh curly fries and a coke. But even with all that, republicans were still on board with puzder until a tape surfaced of puzders wife in 1990 appearing on a talk show describing domestic abuse. That took him down. So who brought that tape to light . I mean, whos powerful enough to topple a cabinet secretary . You guessed it opraaaaaahh cheers and applause thank you, oprah. Thank you thank you, lady o. Oprah can do anything. Quick followup question, no particular reason, oprah did you ever do any shows in russia . Because we could use some help. We just learned from multiple intelligence sources that trump aides were in constant touch with senior russian officials during the campaign. Constant touch, by the way, is also trumps secret service code name. laughter i got constant touch on the move. Constant touch is on the move. Constant touch. Constant touch is coming backstage. Hide the girls. Constant touch. Now, this russian revelation obviously raises questions like are you bleep kidding me . laughter applause and what . This is russia, americas greatest foe since world war ii. I mean, worse than gluten. laughter now, intelligence sources are careful to say that they have found no evidence that trump and he russians colluded to steal the election, but. Where theres smoke. Theres a lot of smoke. Theres a lot of smoke here. Lot of smoke. Theres a lot of smoke. Stephen and you know what they say, where theres smoke, theres steve miller blowing it up trumps ass. cheers and applause we do know that Trumps Campaign was talking to the russians a lot, and the frequency of the communication and the proximity to trump of those involved raised a red flag with u. S. Intelligence. Yes, intelligence were worried that once he got in the white house, he might raise a red flag. The report also makes clear that these calls are different from the wiretapped conversations between Michael Flynn and russias ambassador. It is never a good sign when you have to specify which secret power youre denying. Oh, that act of treason. Tell you what . Let me get back to you on that one. Next question, please. Anybody else . Anybody . Hes on the move. Hes on the move. applause now, the white house vehemently denies all of this. Yesterday, sean spicer was asked about russias ties during americas daily afternoon spicey time. Can you still say definitively that nobody on the Trump Campaign, not even general flynn, had any contact with the russians before the election . I dont have any theres nothing that would conclude me that anything different has changed with respect to that time period. Stephen yes, there is nothing that would conclude him that anything different has changed. laughter heard me that, and conclude ass out of talk he. applause , of course, of course, huge sean spicer fans. Big sean spicer fans here tonight. , of course, the president immediately took to the twitter to defend his administration saying this russian connection nonsense is merely an attempt to cover up the many mistakes made in Hillary Clintons losing campaign. audience booing . Stephen no, no, no, no, look. Hes got a good point. Because if people learn about the mistakes made in hillarys campaign, she might lose . Buddy, youre the only one talking about hillary clinton. Youre like that guy whos still talking about a big touchdown he made 20 years ago. By the way, hillary won the popular touchdown. cheers and applause by the way, okay, trump also called the story fake news, then tweeted that the real scandal here is that classified information is illegally given out by intelligence like candy. Very unamerican yeah, you know how its illegal for americans to give out candy. Thats why everyone wears masks on halloween. Heres the thing it cant be both fake news and an illegal leak of classified information. Your honor, i did not murder that man. The real criminal is whoever filmed me strangling him. laughter the president also held a press Conference Today did you see this . I didnt know this was going to happen. He held a press Conference Today because in the middle of all this insanity, israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the white house. As a courtesy, trump asked his staff to put a 24hour hold on retweeting neonazis. laughter thats just good manners. Thats just good manners. Hes a lovely host. But its funny because its necessary. laughter but he did not right . But he did not take the opportunity of the press conference to address any of the rumors that hes being run by the kremlin, and the two handpicked reporters he called on were polite enough not to ask whether our country is over. Thank you. So far, trump and his senior advisers have not been directly implicated in any of this. The people mentioned in this report are the former Michael Flynn, and summertime Trump Campaign chair and man who keeps rope in his glove compartment, paul manafort. Apparently, phone records show manafort on calls to russia, but manafort denies it saying, this is absurd. I have no idea what this is referring to. I have never knowingly spoken to russian intelligence officers. Its not like these people wear badges that say, im a russian intelligence officer. well, how do you know . You were on the phone you cant hear a badge. laughter applause paul. cheers and applause the guy on the other end could have a hammer and sickle face tattoo for all you know. But maybe manafort really didnt know that he was talking to russian intelligence officers. I mean, its not like every russian person you talk to is a spy. I mean, some of my crew members are russian. Youve never worked for the russian intelligence, right . Nyet, nyet, stephen. Ive worked many jobs. Never russian intelligence. Stephen oh, where did you work before here . The Trump Campaign. laughter stephen good for you. Good for you. Congratulations on the win. That must have been a surprise. You happen to have a badge that says, im a russian intelligence officer, do you . My badge says, i am regular lady. Stephen right. Well, thanks. Sorry. What was your name again . My name . My name is katie. Katie name. Laugh Stephen Katie name, everybody thank you, katie. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Well be right back with bob odenkirk. Stick around. Rock your gimsy soul. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause jon hey my first guest stars as saul goodman on better call saul, and he now stars in the movie girlfriends day. Im thinking a whole line of i regrets. A whole new line. Could there be a song chip in there . No. Playing a sad song . Snow song chips, no glitter, just the truth, right, because thats what cards have been missing. Besides, ive heard complaints about the glitter. You know, i campaigned for a stronger glue about two years ago. Ray, why dont you have lets go retro. Could be hip. Im thinking dime trees. Girl opens the card, there are 10 dimes for her. In a romance card. Could be great for someone you love who you owe money to. Okay, fine, class it up quarters. Thats your idea. Stephen please welcome bob odenkirk. applause class it up quarters, guys stephen thats right. Give your ladies quarters, not dimes. Stephen nice to see you. Good to see you. Stephen people dont know this, we worked together twice before. Yes. Stephen the first time was when you were on stage at second city and i was a waiter at second city. All right. And what did i do. Stephen what did you do . Mention that we should tip our waiters, or something . Stephen i dont think you ever said that. I didnt acknowledge your existence. Stephen no, you did not acknowledge my existence at all. Who was i on stage with. Stephen you, pasquasy great people. Stephen wonderful people. And then you went off to greener pastures. Wait, we worked again together on the daney carvey show. Stephen the late, lamented daney carvey show. For people who dont know, everybody worked on that. It was you, dave cross. Louie c. K. , dana carvey. Charlie kaufman great film writer. Stephen robert karlock, and me and correl. It was a lot of fun. It was an Amazing Group of people who coon get it together. laughter . Stephen we kept on writing things that made us laugh and not america. Because this wonderful show with this great guy, dana carvey, who is so wonderful. Stephen i love him. He came on after Home Improvement and we wrote all these weird bits. Stephen the very first sketch was bill clinton Breast Feeding puppies. I know. laughter and i was in the room when everyone was chort ling mightily about that, and i was thinking, oh, no. Thats not going to make them happy. Stephen we are so canceled. Hey, you know what . I heard some exciting news about you. What did you hear . Stephen this. You threw out the first pitch. Oh, my gosh. Stephen at wrigley field. And tops can we get a shot of this tops made a Baseball Card of you, bob odenkirk, throwing the ball out at wrigley field. applause did you not know this happened . I had no idea. And its making me cry. Stephen how did you throw it . Did you throw it well . I did. Stephen 60 feet, six inches looks way longer. Its so far away i threw a moon ball. Does anyone know what a moon ball is . Its a ball that goes like, that way up high and hope le stephen maybe its a pitch you throw without your pants on. laughter . No. It was unintentional, but it was a moon ball, and it went over the plate, and the catcher caught it. I dont think it even bounced once. Stephen were there people in the stands . Was is a soldout game . Are you kidding me . There were many, many thousands of people in the glandz did you run into my friend Donnie Franks, because Donnie Franks is a hot dog vendor there and he also. cheers and applause what an honor. What an honor. Stephen yeah, yeah. He really throws chin music. Youre selling out hot dogs you can throw out the first pitch. Stephen thats what they say. So valentines day was yesterday. Yes. Stephen you and your wife of 20 years, right. We have been married 20 years. Pretty good, right . applause . Stephen you guys do anything you guys do anything particularly particularly i just do what i normally do on valentines day. I get her a card tomorrow, three days later. Actually, we i was flying here. I left town. Thats what i did for her as a as laughter . Stephen you just leave before dawn. That is really romantic leave town on the morning of valentines day. Stephen you know what i say leave them wanting more. laughter keep them hungry. You have to keep the ladies hungry, bob. I i promise were going to have a valentines day date, i promise. After the kids are in college, were going to stephen how close are we . One year away from the first kid going. Stephen wait a second, youre going to get romantic after in two years stephen when the first child goes to college. Were going to do 22 Valentine Day dates in a row. Stephen the second kid is going to be there. Hell have to watch. Were not going to have a damn thing until both kids are in college and getting good grades. Theres no roses actually, look, Stephen Stephen so the kids are going to have to have good grades for you to get romantic . Got it. Stephen youre going to have to wait until after the midterm exams, oh, he got a bplus. Lets lose those pants. Im pretty proud. My kids have never once caught my wife and i making love and they sleep in the same bed with us. laughter thats called a joke. Stephen thats a family joke right there. The truth is, i give my wife 12 roses every morning. laughter and just so she doesnt get a big head, i tell her its one rose for each of your faults. laughter stephen you are a romantic guy, then, youre kind of a romantic guy. Im terrible. Stephen really. Im not at all. Stephen no. No . I consider cards and flowers thats just emotional porn. Thats what i call it. Stephen you cauliflowers actual porn i call a howto films. laughter i say, lets go watch this howto films. Stephen now you play somebody who has a little trouble with romance. Yes. Stephen did you direct this, also. Girlfriends day. No, michael paul stephenson. Stephen but you wroapt girlfriends day. I did write it with my friends. And a great important film. laughter about a greeting card writer. Its about time. laughter the truth must be told stephen what is it about, like, are are there themes its not about anything. Stephen whats the plot . Ill tell you if its got something. Its not going to win a peabody or anything like that. Its a silly movie. Stephen what happens . What happens in the movie . Stephen, theres no message. Im a greeting card writer. Ive lost touch with my emotions. Stephen youre working for a big company . Im working for a big company. Stephen is it corporate greed and loss of individual identity, anything like that . No, not really, no. I fall in love with a hipster chick. And stephen like generation y, and everything is ironic and you dont have true feelings anymore . No, no, no. Stephen its not about that . No, its not really stephen whats the last whats last line . The last time o line of the , sometimes theres a message there. Im on a motorcycle. Ive got a dog in a side car, a oneeyed dog. And turn to want camera and say, lets start killing those whales and frack this earth. You think thats a message. Stephen so its about, like, mans inhumanity to man . Its antihumanity is what it is. laughter . Stephen thats what you think of odenkirk, antihumanity. Thats what it is. Get me that peabody, please. Im ready. Stephen well, id love to hear more about hating your fellow man. We have to take a little break. Will you stick around and well hate ourselves a little more after that . Yes. Stephen still around. We will have more bob odenkirk. applause how do you become americas bestselling brand . You make it detect what they dont. Stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with moto mods. Get a moto z play droid for only 5 mo. No tradein required. Hambone sally 22 hut hut tiki barber running a barber shop . Yes surprising. Yes whats not surprising . How much money david saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Whos next . applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with our friend bob odenkirk. So bob youre a busy guy. You have better call saul. You obviously have the movie girlfriends day. What else have you got cooking. Funny you should ask. I do have another big project that im really excited about and i think you will be, too. Stephen whale rale . What is it . Its a new film and its called the late show the movie. I play Stephen Colbert stephen youre playing me in a movie . Why was i not asked to audition . Im sorry. I guess they just wanted a Stephen Colbert type, and i was the first one who came to mind. But dont worry. I studied you closely, and i think i nailed it. I believe we have a clip. Jim . All right, everyone shut up sit down im Stephen Colbert all right. Whats in the news today . I dont know. Did everyone hear about iran secretly Testing Nuclear missiles . Who cares . Hilarious. Whew when we return, ill be over there. Talking about zika. So, cheer for jon batiste, stay human. Clap, you pigs stephen what what was that . Hold on. applause no, no, wairkt dont, please. Pretty good. Stephen what the hell was that . I know what youre going to ask, and, yes i was a pit of a praingster on set. Stephen i was not going to ask that. I was not going to ask that. Did you even watch this show . That was just angry and cruel. We we do jokes, man. But, stephen, its never easy to see yourself portrayed. laughter . Stephen but you werent portraying me. Thats not me. Its terrible. Its terrible. If you think its so terrible, why did you agree to make a cameo in it . Stephen oh, shoot. I totally forgot i play you, bob odenkirk, in late show the movie i think we have a clip. Jim . Jim. All right, were back with the actor bob odenkirk. Great to be here, steve. You know, i people know me as a comedian, but i also do drama. And i am doing a movie called girlfriends day. All right, look, this celebrity chitchat bores me. Can we talk about something more serious like, what do you think it feels like after youre dead . laughter . Well, i was talking about this with jeremy piven the other day, and piven said, dont you play Stephen Colbert<\/a>. Tonight, stephen welcomes bob odenkirk. Tatiana maslaney. And author George Saunders<\/a>. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert<\/a> stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause good to see you. Hey cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome to the late show, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. I am happy to be your host, Stephen Colbert<\/a>. Lets see, so much to talk about tonight. I thought the show was going to be about one thing and then the other thing happened. So im going to talk about the third thing i didnt expect. laughter this afternoon, we learned that trumps secretary of labor nominee and suburban dentist you meet at the swingers party, andy puzder, has withdrawn his nomination. cheers and applause just to be clear withdraws his nomination. Just to be clear. This is not a scandal. He says he just wants to spend more time with michaels flynn. Puzder beautiful name by the way, puzder. Musical name, puzder. laughter the c. E. O. Of hardees and carls jr. , was controversial for many reasons. He had an undocumented housekeeper, made ads that famously objectified women, and called his own fast food employees the worst of the worst. Thats not right. Thats not right. Hardees employees are great. Its the food thats the worst of the worst. cheers and applause but. cheers and applause i gotta say oh curly fries and a coke. But even with all that, republicans were still on board with puzder until a tape surfaced of puzders wife in 1990 appearing on a talk show describing domestic abuse. That took him down. So who brought that tape to light . I mean, whos powerful enough to topple a cabinet secretary . You guessed it opraaaaaahh cheers and applause thank you, oprah. Thank you thank you, lady o. Oprah can do anything. Quick followup question, no particular reason, oprah did you ever do any shows in russia . Because we could use some help. We just learned from multiple intelligence sources that trump aides were in constant touch with senior russian officials during the campaign. Constant touch, by the way, is also trumps secret service code name. laughter i got constant touch on the move. Constant touch is on the move. Constant touch. Constant touch is coming backstage. Hide the girls. Constant touch. Now, this russian revelation obviously raises questions like are you bleep kidding me . laughter applause and what . This is russia, americas greatest foe since world war ii. I mean, worse than gluten. laughter now, intelligence sources are careful to say that they have found no evidence that trump and he russians colluded to steal the election, but. Where theres smoke. Theres a lot of smoke. Theres a lot of smoke here. Lot of smoke. Theres a lot of smoke. Stephen and you know what they say, where theres smoke, theres steve miller blowing it up trumps ass. cheers and applause we do know that Trumps Campaign<\/a> was talking to the russians a lot, and the frequency of the communication and the proximity to trump of those involved raised a red flag with u. S. Intelligence. Yes, intelligence were worried that once he got in the white house, he might raise a red flag. The report also makes clear that these calls are different from the wiretapped conversations between Michael Flynn<\/a> and russias ambassador. It is never a good sign when you have to specify which secret power youre denying. Oh, that act of treason. Tell you what . Let me get back to you on that one. Next question, please. Anybody else . Anybody . Hes on the move. Hes on the move. applause now, the white house vehemently denies all of this. Yesterday, sean spicer was asked about russias ties during americas daily afternoon spicey time. Can you still say definitively that nobody on the Trump Campaign<\/a>, not even general flynn, had any contact with the russians before the election . I dont have any theres nothing that would conclude me that anything different has changed with respect to that time period. Stephen yes, there is nothing that would conclude him that anything different has changed. laughter heard me that, and conclude ass out of talk he. applause , of course, of course, huge sean spicer fans. Big sean spicer fans here tonight. , of course, the president immediately took to the twitter to defend his administration saying this russian connection nonsense is merely an attempt to cover up the many mistakes made in Hillary Clintons<\/a> losing campaign. audience booing . Stephen no, no, no, no, look. Hes got a good point. Because if people learn about the mistakes made in hillarys campaign, she might lose . Buddy, youre the only one talking about hillary clinton. Youre like that guy whos still talking about a big touchdown he made 20 years ago. By the way, hillary won the popular touchdown. cheers and applause by the way, okay, trump also called the story fake news, then tweeted that the real scandal here is that classified information is illegally given out by intelligence like candy. Very unamerican yeah, you know how its illegal for americans to give out candy. Thats why everyone wears masks on halloween. Heres the thing it cant be both fake news and an illegal leak of classified information. Your honor, i did not murder that man. The real criminal is whoever filmed me strangling him. laughter the president also held a press Conference Today<\/a> did you see this . I didnt know this was going to happen. He held a press Conference Today<\/a> because in the middle of all this insanity, israeli Prime Minister<\/a> Benjamin Netanyahu<\/a> visited the white house. As a courtesy, trump asked his staff to put a 24hour hold on retweeting neonazis. laughter thats just good manners. Thats just good manners. Hes a lovely host. But its funny because its necessary. laughter but he did not right . But he did not take the opportunity of the press conference to address any of the rumors that hes being run by the kremlin, and the two handpicked reporters he called on were polite enough not to ask whether our country is over. Thank you. So far, trump and his senior advisers have not been directly implicated in any of this. The people mentioned in this report are the former Michael Flynn<\/a>, and summertime Trump Campaign<\/a> chair and man who keeps rope in his glove compartment, paul manafort. Apparently, phone records show manafort on calls to russia, but manafort denies it saying, this is absurd. I have no idea what this is referring to. I have never knowingly spoken to russian intelligence officers. Its not like these people wear badges that say, im a russian intelligence officer. well, how do you know . You were on the phone you cant hear a badge. laughter applause paul. cheers and applause the guy on the other end could have a hammer and sickle face tattoo for all you know. But maybe manafort really didnt know that he was talking to russian intelligence officers. I mean, its not like every russian person you talk to is a spy. I mean, some of my crew members are russian. Youve never worked for the russian intelligence, right . Nyet, nyet, stephen. Ive worked many jobs. Never russian intelligence. Stephen oh, where did you work before here . The Trump Campaign<\/a>. laughter stephen good for you. Good for you. Congratulations on the win. That must have been a surprise. You happen to have a badge that says, im a russian intelligence officer, do you . My badge says, i am regular lady. Stephen right. Well, thanks. Sorry. What was your name again . My name . My name is katie. Katie name. Laugh Stephen Katie<\/a> name, everybody thank you, katie. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Well be right back with bob odenkirk. Stick around. Rock your gimsy soul. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause jon hey my first guest stars as saul goodman on better call saul, and he now stars in the movie girlfriends day. Im thinking a whole line of i regrets. A whole new line. Could there be a song chip in there . No. Playing a sad song . Snow song chips, no glitter, just the truth, right, because thats what cards have been missing. Besides, ive heard complaints about the glitter. You know, i campaigned for a stronger glue about two years ago. Ray, why dont you have lets go retro. Could be hip. Im thinking dime trees. Girl opens the card, there are 10 dimes for her. In a romance card. Could be great for someone you love who you owe money to. Okay, fine, class it up quarters. Thats your idea. Stephen please welcome bob odenkirk. applause class it up quarters, guys stephen thats right. Give your ladies quarters, not dimes. Stephen nice to see you. Good to see you. Stephen people dont know this, we worked together twice before. Yes. Stephen the first time was when you were on stage at second city and i was a waiter at second city. All right. And what did i do. Stephen what did you do . Mention that we should tip our waiters, or something . Stephen i dont think you ever said that. I didnt acknowledge your existence. Stephen no, you did not acknowledge my existence at all. Who was i on stage with. Stephen you, pasquasy great people. Stephen wonderful people. And then you went off to greener pastures. Wait, we worked again together on the daney carvey show. Stephen the late, lamented daney carvey show. For people who dont know, everybody worked on that. It was you, dave cross. Louie c. K. , dana carvey. Charlie kaufman great film writer. Stephen robert karlock, and me and correl. It was a lot of fun. It was an Amazing Group<\/a> of people who coon get it together. laughter . Stephen we kept on writing things that made us laugh and not america. Because this wonderful show with this great guy, dana carvey, who is so wonderful. Stephen i love him. He came on after Home Improvement<\/a> and we wrote all these weird bits. Stephen the very first sketch was bill clinton Breast Feeding<\/a> puppies. I know. laughter and i was in the room when everyone was chort ling mightily about that, and i was thinking, oh, no. Thats not going to make them happy. Stephen we are so canceled. Hey, you know what . I heard some exciting news about you. What did you hear . Stephen this. You threw out the first pitch. Oh, my gosh. Stephen at wrigley field. And tops can we get a shot of this tops made a Baseball Card<\/a> of you, bob odenkirk, throwing the ball out at wrigley field. applause did you not know this happened . I had no idea. And its making me cry. Stephen how did you throw it . Did you throw it well . I did. Stephen 60 feet, six inches looks way longer. Its so far away i threw a moon ball. Does anyone know what a moon ball is . Its a ball that goes like, that way up high and hope le stephen maybe its a pitch you throw without your pants on. laughter . No. It was unintentional, but it was a moon ball, and it went over the plate, and the catcher caught it. I dont think it even bounced once. Stephen were there people in the stands . Was is a soldout game . Are you kidding me . There were many, many thousands of people in the glandz did you run into my friend Donnie Franks<\/a>, because Donnie Franks<\/a> is a hot dog vendor there and he also. cheers and applause what an honor. What an honor. Stephen yeah, yeah. He really throws chin music. Youre selling out hot dogs you can throw out the first pitch. Stephen thats what they say. So valentines day was yesterday. Yes. Stephen you and your wife of 20 years, right. We have been married 20 years. Pretty good, right . applause . Stephen you guys do anything you guys do anything particularly particularly i just do what i normally do on valentines day. I get her a card tomorrow, three days later. Actually, we i was flying here. I left town. Thats what i did for her as a as laughter . Stephen you just leave before dawn. That is really romantic leave town on the morning of valentines day. Stephen you know what i say leave them wanting more. laughter keep them hungry. You have to keep the ladies hungry, bob. I i promise were going to have a valentines day date, i promise. After the kids are in college, were going to stephen how close are we . One year away from the first kid going. Stephen wait a second, youre going to get romantic after in two years stephen when the first child goes to college. Were going to do 22 Valentine Day<\/a> dates in a row. Stephen the second kid is going to be there. Hell have to watch. Were not going to have a damn thing until both kids are in college and getting good grades. Theres no roses actually, look, Stephen Stephen<\/a> so the kids are going to have to have good grades for you to get romantic . Got it. Stephen youre going to have to wait until after the midterm exams, oh, he got a bplus. Lets lose those pants. Im pretty proud. My kids have never once caught my wife and i making love and they sleep in the same bed with us. laughter thats called a joke. Stephen thats a family joke right there. The truth is, i give my wife 12 roses every morning. laughter and just so she doesnt get a big head, i tell her its one rose for each of your faults. laughter stephen you are a romantic guy, then, youre kind of a romantic guy. Im terrible. Stephen really. Im not at all. Stephen no. No . I consider cards and flowers thats just emotional porn. Thats what i call it. Stephen you cauliflowers actual porn i call a howto films. laughter i say, lets go watch this howto films. Stephen now you play somebody who has a little trouble with romance. Yes. Stephen did you direct this, also. Girlfriends day. No, michael paul stephenson. Stephen but you wroapt girlfriends day. I did write it with my friends. And a great important film. laughter about a greeting card writer. Its about time. laughter the truth must be told stephen what is it about, like, are are there themes its not about anything. Stephen whats the plot . Ill tell you if its got something. Its not going to win a peabody or anything like that. Its a silly movie. Stephen what happens . What happens in the movie . Stephen, theres no message. Im a greeting card writer. Ive lost touch with my emotions. Stephen youre working for a big company . Im working for a big company. Stephen is it corporate greed and loss of individual identity, anything like that . No, not really, no. I fall in love with a hipster chick. And stephen like generation y, and everything is ironic and you dont have true feelings anymore . No, no, no. Stephen its not about that . No, its not really stephen whats the last whats last line . The last time o line of the , sometimes theres a message there. Im on a motorcycle. Ive got a dog in a side car, a oneeyed dog. And turn to want camera and say, lets start killing those whales and frack this earth. You think thats a message. Stephen so its about, like, mans inhumanity to man . Its antihumanity is what it is. laughter . Stephen thats what you think of odenkirk, antihumanity. Thats what it is. Get me that peabody, please. Im ready. Stephen well, id love to hear more about hating your fellow man. We have to take a little break. Will you stick around and well hate ourselves a little more after that . Yes. Stephen still around. We will have more bob odenkirk. applause how do you become americas bestselling brand . You make it detect what they dont. Stop, stop, stop sorry. You make it sense whats coming. Watch, watch, watch mom. Relax im relaxed. You make it for 16year olds. Whoawhoawhoa and the parents who worry about them. You saw him, right . Going further to help make drivers, better drivers. Dont freak out on me. Thats ford. And thats how you become americas bestselling brand. Remember 2007 . Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. Hello moto. Snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. Hello moto. Moto is here. The moto z with moto mods. Get a moto z play droid for only 5 mo. No tradein required. Hambone sally 22 hut hut tiki barber running a barber shop . Yes surprising. Yes whats not surprising . How much money david saved by switching to geico. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Whos next . applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Were here with our friend bob odenkirk. So bob youre a busy guy. You have better call saul. You obviously have the movie girlfriends day. What else have you got cooking. Funny you should ask. I do have another big project that im really excited about and i think you will be, too. Stephen whale rale . What is it . Its a new film and its called the late show the movie. I play Stephen Colbert<\/a> stephen youre playing me in a movie . Why was i not asked to audition . Im sorry. I guess they just wanted a Stephen Colbert<\/a> type, and i was the first one who came to mind. But dont worry. I studied you closely, and i think i nailed it. I believe we have a clip. Jim . All right, everyone shut up sit down im Stephen Colbert<\/a> all right. Whats in the news today . I dont know. Did everyone hear about iran secretly Testing Nuclear<\/a> missiles . Who cares . Hilarious. Whew when we return, ill be over there. Talking about zika. So, cheer for jon batiste, stay human. Clap, you pigs stephen what what was that . Hold on. applause no, no, wairkt dont, please. Pretty good. Stephen what the hell was that . I know what youre going to ask, and, yes i was a pit of a praingster on set. Stephen i was not going to ask that. I was not going to ask that. Did you even watch this show . That was just angry and cruel. We we do jokes, man. But, stephen, its never easy to see yourself portrayed. laughter . Stephen but you werent portraying me. Thats not me. Its terrible. Its terrible. If you think its so terrible, why did you agree to make a cameo in it . Stephen oh, shoot. I totally forgot i play you, bob odenkirk, in late show the movie i think we have a clip. Jim . Jim. All right, were back with the actor bob odenkirk. Great to be here, steve. You know, i people know me as a comedian, but i also do drama. And i am doing a movie called girlfriends day. All right, look, this celebrity chitchat bores me. Can we talk about something more serious like, what do you think it feels like after youre dead . laughter . Well, i was talking about this with jeremy piven the other day, and piven said, dont you play Stephen Colbert<\/a> in the movie late show the movie . I said, i do, lets show the clip. Shut up. Shut it. Im Stephen Colbert<\/a>. Black here. Ed this bob odenkirk. Tell us about the movie. Im bob odenkirk. Stephen yeah. Thats enough of that. All right, babies are ugly. Jimmy, roll the clip. applause stephen thats incredible, incredible. Okay, bob, that movie is interesting. I take it back. Whew wait, are we done now . Was that the last clip . Are we are we are we still in the clip right now . I dont know. I dont i dont think so. Stephen you dont think so . Its kind of important. How can we figure out this is real. There is one way. I could, you know, stab your hand, and then if it hurts, well, then its the real world. If it doesnt hurt, its just a special effect. Were still in a clip then. Stephen will that work . I think so, lets try it. Stephen aarrgghh got it, Stephen Colbert<\/a>, youre on clebt hand stab. You got clebt hand stab. Stephen bob, wonderful to have you. Girlfriends day streaming now on netflix. Bob odenkirk, everybody. Wel let me just get through here, sorry. Oh wow, quite a turn out. Tami. Marcus. Okay, other unlimited data plans havent lived up to the name. But today, unlimited gets the network it deserves. And so do you. Verizon. cheering and whistling thudding man you the man uh, sorry, you need more information. Its unlimited the verizon way, without compromising reliability, on the largest, most advanced 4g lte network in america. thudding uh, sorry last thing. Its just 45 per line. Hd video included. Forty. Five. thudding man all right and that is all the microphones that i have. Not just unlimited. Verizon unlimited. Wow, how am i going to get this home . More j. D. 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At olive garden. My hygi. A mouthwash. O try. So i tried crest. It does so much more than give me fresh breath. Crest prohealth mouthwash provides all. Of these benefits to help you get better dental checkups. Go pro with crest mouthwash. Checkup . Nailed it if youin a palace of ice,winter theres only one place to go. And thats not the only thing you can only find in new york state. You can find it all, only in new york. New york. Its all here. Its only here. Plan your winter getaway at iloveny. Com band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, my next guest won an emmy for playing multiple characters on orphan black. She now stars in the other half. Where do i know you from . I saw you at the club the other night . No. Thats not it. This is our favorite restaurant. You probably just saw me here before. No, thats not it, either. Wheres your girlfriend . What . Your girlfriend, the one you were dancing with. Oh, shes not my girlfriend. Does she know that . Yeah. What about you, you got a boyfriend . Boyfriend. Stephen please welcome tatiana maslany. applause stephen nice to see you again. Thanks for having me back. Stephen the last time you were here, you had not yet won your first emmy. No. Stephen but you won for, congratulations. What was that . What was that . Was this your first time nominated . Second nomination. Stephen second nomination, first win. Yes. Stephen since you didnt win the first time, did you think you were going to win second time . Never north remotely. Like, i hadnt planned anything. We were it was the morning of the emmys, and my boyfriend was like, you should write something. And i was like, no, no, theres no way. Stephen youll jinx it . No, theres no way i will need to read something out loud at that event. Im not going to win. So i, like, wrote something on my phone and was like, there. You happy . And then they called me up, and it was on my phone, and not on a piece of paper, and so i was getting these Text Messages<\/a> that had to keep, like, closing stephen everyone was congratulating you . They were like, good job were watching you right now. Im like, shut up stop i couldnt remember my passcode and it was the worst. It was terrible. Stephen so what did you do with your emmy . Where is it living now . Do you have it on a shelf or something . No, my parents came to visit me recently and they kind of, like, fix my life when they come over, so theyve got all these plants, and the emmy was in a box, and my mom didnt know it was the emmy, and so she has a plant beautifully presented on top of the emmy with the box. Stephen yeah, it comes in a nice blue box. Yeah, exactly. Its, like, supporting life. So its a worthy thing to do. Stephen are you ever going to take it out and fut up . No, youre not going to put it up . I dont know. Stephen why . Because i feel weird about it. I dont know. I dont feel like ill be like, yes, i deserve this. Everyone look at this. Stephen but do you no laughter . Stephen well, i think you do. Thank you. Stephen you do such an amazing job on orphan black. And you play so many different characters. I understand we talked about this last time you have an acting double. Yeah. Stephen so you get to perform because your characters have to perform with themselves. You have an acting double who actually plays you. Whats her name. Katherine alexanderry. She does what no actor does, which is be entirely selfless and give over everything. The better she is, the less shes seen on camera. Do you know what i mean . Because shes doing all the scenes with me, but then they remove her and put me in there. So shes does does all this work stephen she should get a emmy . She definitely deserves the emmy. Stephen the new movie the other half, i understand that is that your actual boyfriend . It is. Stephen doing that scene with you . Yup. Tom cullen. Stephen what is it like to work with your actual loved one in ray scene where youre being a loved one . Its its bizarre. And i was terrified to do it, because i was like, hes going to know all my tricks. Stephen like what tricks . You know, you have an understanding with your partner. You know when youre lying. You know when youre making something up. Q. Right. So it was great. It was like a real means of going deeper and being really honest. Stephen what did you talk about at the end of the day . I was acting with this jerk today. This guy kept calling me on my crap. Stephen how do you let off steam when you get home and the person you are working with the person you are living with . We were so excited. We were thrilled to get to do the film together because we love each other as actors and to get to do this tiny movie we cared about so much for zero money. Thats why you do it. Stephen well, you do so many characters on orphan black. Do people ever come up to you and say, i love you as. And they name a character. And you go who is that . Didnt that person die . Stephen they cant come up how many character dowz play now . Like, upwards of 10. 10. And more. They call me like the orphan girl or youre orphan black. Like i had this weird interwaks a woman in, like, an allwomens naked spa. And we were like stephen hold on. laughter . Yeah. Let me set let me set the scene. Were all naik gld all naked in a spa spa. Were all in a cold plunge. Stephen a cold plunge. Which is like freezing polar water that you have to sit in for a minute. Stephen why do you have to . Exactly. Circulation . I dont know. Masochism. Stephen are you hot first. You go into the sauna then a cold plunge. Stephen is this an Eastern European<\/a> thing . This girl, katie name, told me. Stephen katie name. She was over there. I was freezing and holding my body. And she was like, are you that orphan girl . I was like, oh, yes, yes, i am. She was like, i heard that show is really weird. And i was like, yeah. And she was like, i havent seen it. And i was like, oh, thats fine, no worries. Look covering myil shriveling body parts. It was horrible. Stephen you must be used to the cold plunge because youre canadian, right . Yes. Stephen can i commend your Prime Minister<\/a> on something . Have you seen this photograph right here . Yeah. Stephen its getting a lot of attention. Our president is known for grabbing people in a handshake and pulling them off balance. The yank. Stephen and your Prime Minister<\/a> executed a sprp yesterday, by, super power yesterday. Look at that jaw yeah, the like stephen its a resolute jaw. Toablghtly. Stephen i didnt know you guys were so tough. I think he did his home work. He watched the videos of those two other handshakes and he was like, i am not going to go that way. That is not going to happen to me. He, like, braced himself. Stephen thank you. Youre welcome. Stephen its a lesson for all of us. Yes. Maybe all brace ourselves. Stephen because you know, constant touch is the code name. laughter applause it was lovely seeing you again. Thank you so much. Stephen congratulations on the emmy again. Thank you. cheers and applause . Stephen the other half is in theaters on march 10. Tatiana maslany, everybody. Well be right back. With George Saunders<\/a>. Stick around. Itbut one i think with quesa simple answer. We have this need to peek over our neighbors fence. And once we do, we see wonder waiting. Every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. Bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. So, the question you asked me. What is the key . Its you. Everything in one place, so you can travel the world better. With the deduction findingombine superpower of ibm watson . Ah you get more money. Thats what you could get. H r block with watson. Get your taxes won. Dont pay hundreds more for taxes and fees on your wireless bill. Introducing tmobile one. Now with taxes and fees included. Get 4 lines of unlimited lte data for 40 bucks each. All unlimited. All in switch to tmobile today. Hashtag crispety, hashtag peanut buttery. Hashtag stop posting about it and eat it already. Butterfinger. Hashtag stuffy nose. Hashtag no sleep. Hashtag mouthbreather. Just put on a breathe right strip. It instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than Cold Medicine<\/a> alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Everybody. My next guest is a macarthur genius fellow, and quite possibly my favorite living author. Please welcome George Saunders<\/a> applause stephen nice to see you again. You said quite possibly. Stephen quite possibly. I have to check with my other living authors right now. I might have them on at another time when you have to say the same introduction for them. Thats fine gli cant be painted into a corner, george. Some people might know you from the tenth of december. Youre known for your short stories. And this is your first novel. It is calls lincoln in the bardo. Why write a novel . Ive always been told by people who are professional writers, the short story is sort of the hardest thing you can write. Its really hard. The last time i was here we talked about, i dont ever need to write a novel. Im a purist. Im above it. Stephen you didnt seem that smug at the time. In here. I heard a story about lincoln, his son passed away, and he went into the crypt to hold the body i heard this story about 20 years ago. And i was so moved by it, and i thought, no way. Too hard. Too earnest and too sort of sentimental. And about four years ago i was like, you know. I want to write this thing so bad. And i dont want to be the guy whose grave said, he never did the thing he really wanted to do. And i decide to give myself a threemonth pass gr you wrote this in three months. No i gave myself three months to write the first two page s. Stephen what was like how did your process change going from short story to novel . Did you have to adjust the margins or anything like that . You seem to be padding up on the the pages just a little bit here. laughter i just want to point out. Theres a lot of empty spaces. laughter applause a lot of empty pages. Goes to the ones with more text on it. In an earlier edition, had a 60point font. Stephen what is the bardo . Its a tibetan word. In this book it means the space between what happens between the time you die and what happens next, maybe reincarnation. And theres a cool but terrifying idea that your mind when youre alive is kind of dampened by your body. So you might be neurotic and crazy but when youre alive theres a damping on it. The teach teachings say its a d horse stephen your mind is a wild horse. But when you die the tether that ties it to the pole is cut and your mind gets super sized. So whatever neurosises or regrets, they go 10,000 times. Which is a little scary. Whatever religious system you thought, if youre a catholic you see catholic visions. Stephen if i cut the tether, heaven forbid, if i cut the tether between your mind and your body right now, where would the wild horse of your mind go . What would be the obsession . What would be the i dont know. I think we dont know. Thats the thing. Part of any spiritual tradition is youre trying to train your mind so when it goes, it goes to happy things. Whatever you filled your mind with during your life stephen is bardo like purgatory. I was raised in the catholic tradition. Me, too. Stephen you were . Yes. Its a little more workable. My understanding of purgatory is like detention. Stephen after life is over, before you go on to heaven, you have to theres a period of time where there might be punishment, but you know its going to be over at some point. Right. Stephen and then you go on to heaven. You sit on a hard church pew until the end of days. Stephen but you know its going to be over at some point. I kind of morphed the real bardo for my own purposes, but in this book, the idea is if you had any regrets or any kinds of problems, you gotta kind of work through tor youre going to be in that zone forever. Theres a gospel thing, if you bring forth that which is within you, it will save you. If you fail to bring it forth, it will destroy you. First of all, they dont know theyre dead. And they havent quite figured out what it was that is keeping them there. Its a buzzkill. Its a kind of real depressing book. laughter . Stephen it is heartbreak. I will say that. Why are you trying to shatter my heart on every page here . Because because i love you. Because i love you. Stephen well, you are mist ear we have talked about radical tenderness, which is a term i really love, radical tenderness. And the world is a tough place to be tender in. It is. Stephen because tenderness is seen as weakness and you can be hurt for being tender or dismissed for being tender. We have a president right now who is we do . Stephen yes. laughter technically, we do. cheers and applause and in your in your commencement essay congratulations by its way you talk about the need for kindness. Youre only regret is not being kind. Are we being kind enough, however unkind trump might seem in his nature, are we being kind enough to donald trump . Uh. laughter no, this is something i hear a lot of people, progressive people saying. Should we be empathetic, or should we be firm . And my thing is, yeah. You know. Empathy is a really its like a superpower. Very robust if you do it. If you have somebody over here, say a trump supporter, who is believing in certain things that cause great harm to, say, some mexican family over here, immigrant family. Whats the greatest kindness you could do for that guy . You could persuade him. And i think by sort of trying to occupy their mind space, you could be really powerful. I dont think its an eitheror. You could be really, really loving and firm and compassionate and have a sense of humor and be forgiving, and you could be firm as hell and not take any crap and protect the people whose vulnerability is making them in a really terribly scared place right now applause . Stephen you have to be empathetic to them, too. Of course. Theres that kind of theres that kind of liberal notion that empathy means, like, you know, you kind of. Like ta. You know, that kind of look. And somebody drives a spike through your head, and youre like, thank you for the coat rack. You know that thing. Stephen no, i dont know that thing. Well talk. Actually, if you were going to try to persuade, some try to love them and to really understand them is vastly powerful, i think. Stephen and vastly hard. Yeah, yeah. Stephen thank you for trying. And you, too. Stephen lovely to see you. Appreciate it. The book is lincoln in the bardo. The man is George Saunders<\/a>. Everybody. Well be be right back. applause i will nevi wnevereverair again. Wash my hair again now, i fuel it new pantene doesnt just wash your hair, it fuels it. With the first prov nutrient blend, making every. Strand stronger dont just wash your hair fuel it fuel your hair. Because strong is beautiful. Stephen thats it for the late show, everybody. Tune in tomorrow when my guests will be sally field, maggie siff and musical guest, lady antebellum. Now stick around for james corden and his guests zach galifianakis, lena dunham, and laura dern. Good night, everybody. Captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by Media Access Group<\/a> at wgbh access. Wgbh. Org are you ready yall to have some fun feel the love tonight dont you worry bout where you come from its gonna be all right its the late, late show ladies and gentlemen. 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