There is a base. No announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, ll cool j, phillipa soo, musical guest gorillaz, and jon batiste with stay human. Now from ed sullivan theater in new york city city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody audience chanting Stephen Stephen thanks, please have a seat youre too kind piano riff welcome to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause for those of you checking your calendars, we are nearing the end of trumps first 100 days in office. cheering well find out what that means later. Could go either way. laughter only 1,400 more to go. cheers and applause still cant figure out the mood here. However anybody feels about it, i cant wait for these first hundred to be over with, though. Its just exhausting, watching this man trying to accomplish something. laughter he said he was going to do everything, right . He said he was going to change everything. When he was running, his message was, ill get the job done. Im a negotiator. I wrote art of the deal. i agree with that art part. Its like modern art. When i look at his presidency and think, my fiveyearold could do that. laughter applause take his health care bill. He promised to repeal and relays obamacare, right repealandreplace, promised it but then pulled his bill without a vote. Now he changed his mind and revived it as something people have been calling zombie trumpcare. A lot of republicans arent happy about it because look at the crowds that are showing up at their town halls. screeching tires stephen not happy. But thats democracy. Thats democracy. cheers and applause piano riff stephen and in this new plan, unlike obamacare, states would be allowed to not cover preexisting conditions. It will be, like, state by state. audience reacts not a good deal. Which is why New Hampshire is changing their license plates from live free or die to live here and die. And in preparation for this passing, yesterday, the house g. O. P. Exempted themselves from zombie trumpcare. audience reacts oh, listen, hey, hey, hey, no, do not be too hard on these guys. You have to understand they all would have lost their coverage because being a douchebag is a preexisting condition. cheers and applause right . Jon oh stephen thank you, jon. Thank you very much. And thats just one of the many things trump has almost done. Yesterday, donald trump careened dangerously close to action, hinting out of nowhere that he was going to sign an executive order withdrawing the u. S. From nafta. But then, he quickly tweeted, i received calls from the president of mexico and the Prime Minister of canada asking to renegotiate nafta, rather than terminate. I agreed. Dot, dot. Adding, dot, dot, dot, subject to the fact that if we do not reach a fair deal for all, we will then terminate nafta. Relationships are good, deal. Very possible so, to recap he threatens to end the relationship, then gets a panicked phone call, and now says the relationships are good. No wonder hes on his third marriage. applause heres his anniversary card. To my loving wife. Happy anniversary. I want to terminate marriage. But love is good. Makeup sex very possible laughter applause makeup sex with mexico and canada. Ive seen those guys. laughter but, hey laughter i just got distracted with the thought of having sex with the Prime Minister of canada. cheers and applause but, hey, im flattered. Im in a relationship. Im flattered, justin. But, hey, heres the good thing, i want you to hold on to this at least were all still alive. For now. laughter because i saw this headline today u. S. Commander not confident north korea will refrain from nuclear assault. Wow note to self move studio to abandoned mineshaft. Of course, that headline is a little unfair. What the commander actually said was that he didnt have a timetable for reaching an Inflection Point, but, he did not have confidence that north korea would refrain from doing something precipitous. I think my pants have reached an Inflection Point because, after reading that, im not sure i can refrain from doing something precipitous. applause obviously, this is unprecedented. It is literal Nuclear War Nuclear war this is an unprecedented Nuclear Crisis with a madman with Nuclear Weapons who says he will use them against the united states. Because of this, yesterday, the white house bussed in all 100 senators for a classified briefing on north korea. Field trip okay okay, everybody have their permission slips . Okay, get a travel buddy. Come on, someone has to be Mitch Mcconnells travel buddy. Touch him, it doesnt rub off. Come on. Mitch, come out of your shell. Mitch, come out of your shell. Someone get him some lettuce. Just feed him a little. Come on. piano riff so why the special trip . Well, according to the senators, they still dont know because, apparently, they learned very little during the briefing, with one anonymous republican saying that the briefing failed to clarify even the most basic questions. So, apparently, it was led by sean spicer. laughter cheers and applause jon good old sean. Oh, heres Something Else trump didnt do but did undo. Yesterday, trump signed an executive order calling for a review of our countrys National Monuments, which could open them to drilling, mining, and logging. audience reacts no, guys, guys, look, hes just trying to do the right thing because its important that we finally find out how much oil is in lincolns eyeball. laughter trump specifically has his eyes on federal land in utah where obama created the Bears Ears National monument. Well, leave it to obama to name something after ears. laughter he had large ears. Very nice. They fit his head, though. laughter and while its a controversial executive order, trump really believes in it. Sometimes i look at some of the things im signing. Stephen sometimes he looks at the things hes signing . Sometimes . laughter just randomly . Not all the time . Has anyone tried putting a Resignation Letter in front of him . Its worth a shot. cheers and applause just sometimes . Cold blooded stephen may god help us. Im sorry, go on, sir. I say, maybe people wont like it, but im doing the right thing. And no regular politicians going to do i dont know if you folks would do. I will tell you, literally, some politicians have said, youre doing the right thing. I dont know if i would have had the courage to do some of these things, but were doing them because its the right thing to do, and its for the good of the nation. Stephen so, after a long debate with himself and people offcamera who probably arent there, trump dug deep and found the courage to call himself courageous. laughter besides thanking himself, trump also thanked his other supporters at the ceremony. I am pleased to be joined by so many members of congress and governors, who have been waiting for this moment. Governor lepage of maine, who, by the way, has lost a lot of weight. laughter i knew him when he was heavy, and now i know him when he was thin, and i like him both ways, okay . audience reacts stephen oh, he likes him both ways. I like em fat i like em proud mmm. Mmm. Mmm stephen thats right, john, thats right. I was playing the guitar. applause the job of reviewing our National Monuments falls to secretary of the interior and guy whos trying way too hard to look outdoorsy, ryan zinke. And trump knows why zinke is the right man for the job. Secretary ryan zinke is doing an incredible job. Soon after he was confirmed, we had a snowstorm, big one, and he was out there on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial shoveling the snow all by himself, and hes a strong guy. He did a good job. Stephen really . Really . Thats what trump thinks the secretary of the interiors job is . Then forget zinke, he shouldve appointed Toro Powermax 826. But everythings going to be okay, you guys, because obamas back, baby cheers and applause stephen on monday, barack obama did a forum at the university of chicago and he was fired up and ready to go. Give a speech today to Investment Bankers for 400,000. So hillary wasnt able to continue obamas legacy, but at least obama was able to continue hers. applause i mean, good for him. Good for him. Hes out of office, time to cash in, but, man, 400,000 . With that kind of money, you could join maralago. cheers and applause we have a great show for you tonight. L. L. Cool j is here. But when we return, ill tell you my latest midnight confessions. 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The refreshing citrus kick of mtn dew. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody right there cheers and applause jon, im pretty excited about our guests tonight ll cool j. Jon mmhmm cheers and applause stephen its not just the ladies who loves cool james. Everybody loves cool james out there. Im also excited because tomorrow night we have mr. Tom hanks on the show. cheers and applause we talk about religion from time to time on this show because im hoping to get this theater recognized as a church for tax purposes. laughter and i was interested in this story the Defense Department recently expanded its list of recognized religions from just over 100 to 221. So there may not be atheists in foxholes, but now there are pagans, wiccans, and members of the schwenkfelder churches, schwenkfelderians, which is a cross between amish and jerry lewis. Schwenkfelderian the lady with the sig ooh ooh denhagen i dont speak fluent lewis. One of the militarys newest recognized faiths is humanism, which emphasizes the inherent value of human beings you can identify humanists by their symbol, the happy humanist seen here being robbed by the aramark logo. cheers and applause take my wallet ive got children look how happy this guy is. There is no god the stars blindly run well never see grandpa again laughter now their religion, not mine i know grandpas waiting for me my religion has always been recognized by the military catholicism. But i dont participate in all of the rich traditions that i should. For instance, confession. But i like to get things off my chest. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, wait right there. organ music playing softly in the background forgive me, audience. When im at mcdonalds, i always casually say, you know what . Throw an order of fries in there even though id been planning on fries all along. laughter sometimes, when i throw my hands in the air like i just dont care, i actually care very deeply. laughter audience while i wish her well, i do not care about april the giraffe. laughter just never got into it. Audience, usually, when we do confessions, i come up with an excuse to drink liquor back here, but i couldnt think of one this week. cheers and applause i have never filled out a birthday card anywhere other than the bathroom of the restaurant where were celebrating your birthday. laughter audience, you know how on airplanes, they have that secure your oxygen mask before helping others rule . I dont need to be told that. laughter cheers and applause until i got married, i once went 11 years without changing my sheets. audience reacts at parties, im a big fan of the irish goodbye. But im an even bigger fan of the irish hello when you dont even show up. laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back with l. L. Cool j. cheers and applause band playing the birds and the bees let me tell you bout. The birds the bees and the flowers and the trees and the moon up above and a thing called love. Let me tell you bout the stars in the sk , a girl and a guy and the way they could kiss on a night like this. When i look into your big brown eyes its so very plain to s e that its time you learned about the facts of life startin from a to z. Let me tell you bout the the birds and the bees lifes as big as you make it. Introducing the allnew seven seater volkswagen atlas and a thing called love. Poallergies . Reather. Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose up to 38 more than allergy medicine alone. Shut your mouth and say goodnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. Skinew bandaid® brand skinflex™ bandages. Our best bandage yet it moves like a second skin. Dries almost instantly. Better . Yeah. Go good thing because stopping never crosses your mind. Bandaid® brand. Stick with it™ to protect our families and our civil rights. Hes represented black lives matter, occupy wall street, and parents protesting the closing of schools. Larry krasner will reform the criminal justice system, ending a war on drugs and the era of mass incarceration that targets poor and minority communities. Because justice makes us safer. Not just talking the talk, walking the walk. Larry krasner, democrat for district attorney. cheers and applause band playing stephen wow thats an incredible crowd. I mean, they came back from that commercial just now as if they had just rehearsed it. Unbelievable. Jon thats right. Thats right. Stephen folks, my first guest tonight is a multiplatinum musician who, for the past eight years, has been solving crimes on ncis los angeles. Looks like he was getting rid of evidence. Evidence of what . Gold heists. So comes down here, they fire at him, he takes them out. Second comes from behind, catches him by surprise. A hit . Maybe. Two fuel cans, two vehicles. And only one body. Stephen that means there is someone else here. Stephen please welcome l. L. Cool j cheers and applause band playing okay stephen i like how you gave a little knock out to the camera there. Touched it up a little bit. Stephen i had not met you till two months ago or Something Like that till we sat each other. American song book gala. Stephen i have been watching you on talk shows for a long time. When did you do momma said knock you out. In the 90s. Stephen i saw you on Dave Letterman do that. Thats funny. Stephen i said, that guy is cool for a reason. Yeah, yeah. Stephen you have been cool since the 80s. How do you keep cool for so long . A lot of people lose their cool at this age. If i really tried to answer that, i would be uncool immediately, right . Stephen you cant name i am so coulibal i am so coo, cool, cool look its a bird, a plane, no, count cool, cool, cool laughter stephen first album was 1985. Stephen okay. Because my producer looked this up and he said the same year you released your first album when were you born, john . 86. Stephen damn it. cheers and applause the first year you released this album, the number one song was we built this city. Now humble. Sit down, be humble stephen are you surprised how hiphop changed the Cultural Landscape . Did you have any sense of it back then . No, if i knew all i know now i would have trademarked a whole lot of stuff, right . But laughter i mean, thats the real answer, right . I can give you the tv answer and the real answer. The real answer is i was making way more money now because i know exactly what to do. You know, i had no idea but it was always big in my world. In order for you to succeed at anything, you have to be obsessed with it, you have to love it, you have to be passionate about it. For me and the guys in my community and friends growing up in queens, you know, hiphop was the biggest thing in the world. So, you know, i did notice a change. When i started seeing, like, silverhaired ladies in montana wrapping while rapping while they did mop and glow, and the kids in the background, i knew things had changed, you know what i mean . The landscape altered a little bit. When iowa is like, l. L. laughter stephen when you were first touring and left queens, what was it like to go out of the area where hiphop was known. When i was 16 or 17 we first went to maine on tour, i had to actually explain to the audience what hiphop was and what we were doing. This is the deejay, he has two records. Hes going to extend the break by mixing the records back and forth and im going to rhyme on top of it. When i say, put your hands in the air. When i say, ho, you say audience ho they didnt catch on that quick. Kendrid goes out and tours and says, im an artist but i had to explain. Stephen the fella out there is gonna do some poetry it was crazy, a different world. And they were white. Stephen well, the biggest part of the hiphop audience is still white, white suburban boys . Isnt that the people who pay for the most hiphop music . Yeah, millions of little m ms running around. Stephen god bless em every one. I love em. They bought my records. Stephen somebodys got to pay for that earring. Thats a gift. Stephen an engagement present . Yeah, yeah. Stephen i dont think i could pull that off. You would be surprised. If people think youve got a check, you can pull anything off. You can wear cinderellas diamond slippers and they say, oh, yeah, the style, you know. Stephen im not sure i would start with the diamond stuff to cool myself up. Youre already cool. Youre already cool. Youre already cool. cheers and applause stephen is that the tv answer or the real answer . No stephen its cbs, i want to make sure. Geeks are people, too, right . cheers and applause stephen ill take that as a compliment. Im a classic geek. Thats why i named myself ll cool j. Though people