Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes gordon ramsay. David sedaris. And musical guest, pixies. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen wooo cheers and applause jon yeah stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its friday. Its friday. cheers and applause thats not just any friday crowd. That is the friday crowd before the friday before summer begins. It is summer, ladies and gentlemen. Congratulations. You made it. Thats it thats it. Im going to get a tan, man. Im going to get a tan this summer. Im doing the cocoa butter. Its going to be fantastic. Yes, i am. Im going to do the cocoa butter. Im going to smell im going to smell like a buffet at a jimmy buffet restaurant. Its the first day of ramadan. Happy ramadan, or whatever emotion goes with ramadan. I dont entirely know whether its a happy day. Its a time of fasting, so hungry ramadan. Just have a good one, thats all i ask. Donald trump is still out of the country. cheers and applause we still have time to change the locks. Hes in sicily for the g7 meeting. Theyre talking about Climate Change down at the g7 this year, or as trump calls it Weather Channel fake news. Gets cold every winter, dont understand. laughter yesterday, donald trump was in brussels for the nato meeting . Yeah, the newto meeting in brussels. And the moment everyone is talking about is his handshake with newly elected french president and guy who wants to try it with the lights on tonight, emmanuel macron. laughter the White House Press pool described the handshake this way each president gripped the others hand with considerable intensity, their knuckles turning white and their jaws clenching and faces tightening. Pretty exciting stuff. Jon pretty exciting. Stephen thats pretty exciting stuff. The White House Press pool is also now writing erotic fan fiction. Get ready for 50 shades of orange cheers and applause trump was in brussels for the nato summit, as i was saying before. And when they were lining up for a photo, look at him get kind of handsy with the Prime Minister of montenegro. All right, outta my way, you montenegro alpha male coming through. Sit down, pink hair. What a jerk. laughter get out of the way i got it. Adjust the jacket, no one will notice. I dont think that kind of shoving is appropriate for an international summit. Thats the kind of shoving that belongs at the buffet line at maralago. And trump wasnt done offending our allies. 23 of the 28member nations are still not paying what they should be paying and what theyre supposed to be paying for their defense. Stephen while trump was dressing them down, look at the nato leaders faces. Check this out. Oh, come on. Cheer up. Hes not your president cheers and applause you dont have to live with him here. No wonder that trump was left largely on his own after the speech as leaders mingled and laughed with each other. Oh, they wouldnt let poor donald join in any nato games no, nope, no. Guys, guys, wait up. Did i ever tell you the story of when i won the election . I won michigan. I won wisconsin. Where are you going . I didnt tell you about pennsylvania yet. Wanna guess whether i won it . laughter now, james comey is back in the news again. Comey stories now are the new is Jennifer Anniston pregnant . This new story goes back to last july, back comey was still the f. B. I. Director, and we were all 80 years younger. Back then, in the middle of the election, he took the unprecedented step of holding a press conference to announce the f. B. I. Had found no criminal conduct in the Hillary Clinton email investigation, but that she had been a very, very bad secretary of state. Bad clinton. Nobody knew why comey did it, until now, because the Washington Post reported that comey based his decision on a russian document now viewed within the f. B. I. As unreliable and possibly a fake. Comey, comey fell for fake news he should have known when the documents return address was 12 actual avenue, truthburg, realtucky, usa. applause laughter yeah, apparently all the stamps. Apparently and i dont understand how this happens. Theres a lot about the story i dont get. Apparently, the russians sent the f. B. I. A fake Intelligence Report about attorney general Loretta Lynch assuring the Clinton Campaign that the email investigation would not push too deeply. Comey was then worried that Hillary Clinton was improperly pressuring someone to drop an investigation which, in hindsight, makes her seem very president ial. laughter applause yeah, sure, why not . And when comey read the fake report, he believed he had to come forward because he feared that if lynch announced no charges against clinton, and then the secret document leaked, the legitimacy of the entire case would be questioned. So he did it, clinton lost, and now only the legitimacy of the entire election is in question. So thats it. Comey fell for a fake email. But but you know what . He landed on his feet. I hear hes earning 2,000 a week working from home on his laptop. Yeah. I just there are so many comey stories. Theyre an emotional roller coaster. I just dont know what to think about james comey. First, he seems like hes a good guy, then he seems like hes a bad guy, then it seems like he sacrificed himself to save other people oh, my god. Is james comey severus snape . Are we going to find out he loved us all along . laughter applause no . No. Im being told no. Im being thoald, that, no, he is not severus snape. One positive thing for the administration is that while trump is overseas dealing with the other leaders over there, he is less likely he is too busy to say dumb stuff to get him into trouble. Luckily, his staff has stepped up to do it on his behalf, starting with hud secretary and man counting how many black people there are in the cabinet, ben carson. Dr. Carson did a radio interview recently for sirius radio, and had this to say about the state of poverty in america i think poverty, to a large extent, is also a state of mind. Stephen yes, poverty is a state of mind. No, no. This is true. Do you know in many states, its legal to pay your rent with optimism. Its not in reality, but it is up here. Unfortunately, he went on. You take somebody who has the right mindset, you can take everything from them and put them on the street. I guarantee you, in a little while, theyll be right back up there. And you take somebody with the wrong mindset, you can give them everything in the world, theyll work their way back down to the bottom. Stephen yeah, its all about mindset. I mean, remember the Great Depression when america had a case of the blahs . Look at this debbie downer. Come on turn that frown upside down, little lady. Why not look at the bowl as half full of dust . laughter and spooking of the administration, we just learned an important detail about donald trump. He has diched his Android Phone in favor of an iphone with one app twitter. Just the one. Just the one. I guess i shouldnt be surprised. What apps did i expect him to have, words with friends . He might have friends, but he does not have words. cheers and applause and trump is such constant and allencompassing news not even disney world can escape his gravitational pull. You know disneys hall of animatronic president s . You know, where the president s get up and they talk . Well, sources say disney world will overhaul the hall of president s to keep donald trump from speaking. cheers and applause when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are originally, the only president s who spoke were washington and lincoln, but that changed 25 years ago. Now, whoever is currently president also has a few lines. That started in 1993 with bill clinton. I believe his first words were, hey, sleeping beauty, you up . laughter jon oh oh oh stephen but trump has said so many outrageous things that petitions are circulating insisting that disneys robotrump should not speak. One petition has over 14,000. Another says, even closing down the hall of president s is better than adding donald trump. cheers and applause but then but then what . But then what would they do with the trump robot . Well, you know, if the rumors out of that Russian Hotel are true, hed feel right at home on splash mountain. applause thank you, sir. Thank you very much. Keep it light. One things for sure, if disney doesnt add donald trump to the hall of president s, they should at least add his hands to its a small world. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Gordon ramsay is here. But when we come back, well be reading some first drafts of graduation cards. Stick around are graduate. Well its a perfect nespresso hold on a second. Orge. Mmm. [mel torme sings comin home baby] hey there. Want a lift . Where are we going . No dont tell me. Let me guess. Have a nice ride. How far would you go for coffee thats a cup above . I brought you nespresso. Nespresso. What else . We, the entertainmentloving people, want all our rooms to be tv rooms. Because those are the best rooms. Because they have tvs in them. And, when were not in those rooms, we want our shows to go with us. Anywhere . You got that right, kid show thing. Get a directv allincluded package for 4 rooms. Only 25 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. Available for at t unlimited plus customers. I. Prilosec otc 7 years ago,my doctor recommended. 5 years ago, last week. Just 1 pill each morning, 24 hours and zero heartburn. Its been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10. Straight years, and its still recommended today. Use as directed. The toothpaste that helps new parodontax. Prevent bleeding gums. If you spit blood when you brush or floss you may have gum problems and could be on the journey to much worse. Help stop the journey of gum disease. Try new parodontax toothpaste. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey jon batiste and stay human, right there. Jon yeah oh oh stephen jon, jon, jon are you excited . Jon yeah. Stephen are you excited about that audience Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen thank you very much. Youre too kind. Youre too kind. Jon, are you excited are you excited about summer taking off here bstarting up the summer . Jon oh, yeah, im looking forward to it, man. I love summer, its my favorite. And the end of the school year. Jon it i it is. Stephen and last week i understand you gave the commencement address at Salve Regina University college. What did you say to the kids . What was your message of hope and leadership . Jon i said you have to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and who you can help along the way. That was my theme. Stephen thats nice. applause yeah, yeah. We like to help people. We leak to help people on this show. Jon oh, yeah, yeah. Stephen we try to, we try to. We do, we do. Stephen and we would like to help some of the graduate right now. In around of all the graduates we would like to do a graduation segment of first drafts. No, stupid stephen whenevery do first drafts i need somebody to help me read the first drafts up here. Got anybody who is still in college right now . Anybody out here who is still in college . Are you . Young lady, are you still in college . I graduated. Stephen you graduated . What is your name . Ashlee. Stephen get your ass up here. Come on. Thank you. There you go. Go all the way up here. All right. Listen, so you already graduated . Just graduate gld where did you graduate from. The university of kansas. Stephen what did you study . Thats a great school. Community health. Stephen Community Health . Do you have a Health Care Plan for america . I wish i did. Stephen to celebrate your graduate, heres a lukewarm keg beer, and a copy of all the places youll go. Thats for you. Thank you. Stephen you can hold on to that. Whats your last name. Thats actual beer. Stephen thats actual beer. Wait, are you 21 . I am. Stephen everythings great then. Got me worried there for a second, ashlee. Can you put that over there . I want you to hold this stack of cards. These are graduation cards, okay . Okay. Stephen that we have two drafts. We have the original draft, and we have the and the phenyl draft, okay. And we show how the premise of this bit that were about to do is i will read the final draft and then read the first draft, to see the mistake they made the first time thigh tried to read the write the card. Do you understand . Yes. Stephen with me . Yes. Stephen ill take that first one. Heres a lovely graduation card. It says, congratulations class of 2017. Its a big world out there go for it which is awfully nice. The kind of message you wouldnt mind getting for your folks. But the first draft read, mom changed your room into a shoe closet. applause . Something thigh mom would do. Stephen is your mom here . No, shes in kansas. Stephen shes back in kansas . This ones pretty profound. I believe this is a quote from thomas paine. Congrats, grads. The mind once enlightened cannot become dark. Deep stuff, right, deep stuff. But the first draft read, your drunk facebook photos are never going away. laughter applause . Oh, no stephen its true. I better get to deleting then. Stephen what are you planning to do with your degree now that youre now that you have graduated . What do you want to do with your degree . I dont know. Are you guys hiring . Stephen im being told were not. Im being told were not. This ones a bit of a pep talk. It says, congrats, graduates. Now that all stands between and you your dreams is belief in yourself. Thats true. The first draft read, remember, if you have to, you can sell your blood. Oh, no never done that, i can say. Stephen i really like this one. It resident, great work, grad. Your future is up to you. Its true. Its true, ashlee. The first draft read,ing, wee not paying for grad school. Arev you thought about grad school . I thought about it gr i didnt go. Im going to take a break. Stephen i was going to go to graduate school and here you are. Stephen yeah, works out. I am proof that education is overrated laughter heres a card that says, next stop med school that could be for you. That could be for you, ashlee. You never know. But the first draft said, please become a doctor before trump takes away our insurance. This card says theres a lovely graduate right there. And it says, hooray, you did it. What did it really say . Stephen but the first draft said, you can finally tell people youre dating your professor stephen any of that going around at the university of kansas . I hope not that. Not they heard of. Stephen my college loved that. But i went to acting school, so thats to be expected. Right. Stephen its part of the major. Heres one that says theres an owl, kind of charming. And it says, we knew you could do it but the first draft said, we just didnt think it would take you seven years laughter applause did you do it in four years . Four years. Stephen four years . Stephen five, i did five. It took graduated, there was no diploma piece legal pad that story. I got annt. The last timausee yoll but the first draft said thats stephen wedl on. Stephen you can take the you. With you. Start by. Oh, is that a galaxy s8 . A world traveler, handsome screen. Well pack that. Uhop, oh okay were moving fast. Youll need a tour guide. Apparently not. Dont forget a big camera. Or that phone will work. Okay, i guess you have the world traveler thing covered. You might not ever just stand there, looking at it. You may never even sit in the back seat. Yeah, but maybe you should. laughter my belly pain i could build a small city with all the overthecounter products ive used. Enough ive tried enough laxatives to cover the eastern seaboard. Ive climbed a Mount Everest of fiber. Probiotics . Enough avo if youve had enough, tell your doctor what youve tried and how long youve been at it. Linzess works differently from laxatives. Linzess treats adults with ibs with constipation or chronic constipation. It can help relieve your belly pain, and lets you have more frequent and complete bowel movements that are easier to pass. Do not give linzess to children less than six, and it should not be given to children six to less than eighteen. It may harm them. Dont take linzess if you have a bowel blockage. Get immediate help if you develop unusual or severe stomach pain, especially with bloody or black stools. The most common side effect is diarrhea, sometimes severe. If its severe stop taking linzess and call your doctor right away. Other side effects include gas, stomacharea pain and swelling. Talk to your doctor about managing your symptoms proactively with linzess. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a worldrenowned chef are a restaurateur, and a television personality. His new show is the f word. Ive traveled across the country to new york city for a former prodigy of mine and her students. Theyll be cook along a star chef without them knowing. First stop, the makeup chair to become somebody else. Lets go my name is maria. I spent last seven years as an executive chef for the Gordon Ramsey group. My name is james, and i want to learn how to cook. Do you think Gordon Ramsey would be proud of my work . He would be. Stephen please welcome chef Gordon Ramsey. cheers and applause thank you hello thank you very much stephen thank you for being here. Thank you stephen now, you already you already seem more cheerful than im used to seeing your face. This is more smiling than we normally get on one of your tv shows. We do have good days, though, days of utter perfection. But, unfortunately, they may look somewhat boring so i like to spice it up a little bit. Stephen every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way as saying goes. You have 31 restaurants, multiple michelin stars . Yes. Stephen multiple michelin stars. Youre a member of the order of british empire, o. B. E. Is that good, is that fun . For cursing. Stephen it just adds a little bit of extra extra class when you drop the f bomb. Order of the british empire, and the queen gave it to me as well, so it was really nice. Stephen is it like a sword situation . No, that is like when you get knighted. O. B. Is under that. So a little handshake and a polite bleep off. She mutters it under her breath. Stephen thats nice. Yes. Stephen okay, when you go into a restaurant, do people freak out because they know who