Batiste and stay human. And now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen whooo cheers and applause whooo thanks. Good to see you cheers and applause stephen, Stephen Stephen thank you so much. Welcome to the late show, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Man, it is good to be back in the u. S. A. cheers and applause i dont know if you knew this, but i was in russia last week. You know who did know i was in russia . Russian intelligence. laughter hardcore fans, evidently, followed me everywhere. Also got some attention from american intelligence. A couple guys seemed to pop up wherever we went. You know, but its important to keep your eye on a comedian while he is in russia, you know, doing jokes, you know, i could be over there, i could be giving state secrets to the russians. Oh wait, somebodys already got that covered. My apologies. cheers and applause . Stephen somebodys watching that guy, someone should investigate anyway, we just got back last night, this is true, so im still on moscow time. And we shoot this show six hours before broadcast. And moscow is seven hours ahead, which means my body is one hour later, which i think makes me james corden right now. laughter anyway cheers and applause . Stephen thats not bad, thats fun, that sounds fun, drive around, singing some song. That would be nice. Anyway, we shot for days. How many, we shot like 13 hour days. We shot like four or five pieces. For the most, the most amazing people, the russian people were lovely, in the most incredible locations,ed an were going to have a whole week of that coming up. I will show you a little of my trip later in the show. But while russia was fascinating, it is sincerely wonderful to be back in america. applause . Stephen beautiful, yeah. America. The friend lee confines, as we call it. And lets see what everybody is talking about here, oh, thats right, russia. There is more Election Hacking news. According to the wash upon washton post, barack obama knew about the plot last suggest and that it was based on putins specific instructions to defeat or at least damage the democratic nominee, hillary clinton, and help lech her opponent donald trump. And putin was successful. The only person who did more damage to Hillary Clintons campaign was hillary clinton. Now reportedly, reportedly obama agonized over what to do. He even authorized the planting of cyberweapons, the digital equivalent of bombs, the digital equivalent of bombs, i think, im not sure. I think that means they were playing minesweeper. Right . Jon right. Stephen thats how you frame, you got to hack into the system. Stephen at one point obama personally warned putin that we knew what he was doing and he had better stop or else, yeah. Or else adding i will turn this Global Economy around, mister. Dont make me come back there but in the end, obama did fog before the election, and afterwards only imposed sanctions, but even those who helped design them say were largely symbolic. Yeah, just symbols. He sent this text. You hacked our election, frowny face. Now a huge eggplant is president. Of course cheers and applause . Jon theyre symbolic. Stephen just symbolic. Symbolic. Of course, President Trump is a wellknown russia hacked the election denier. Remember what he said in december. According to the Washington Post, the cia has concluded that russia intervened in the election to help you win the presidency. Your reaction. I think its ridiculous. I think its just another excuse. I dont believe it, no, i dont believe that at all. Stephen yes, he saw the Washington Post, but he doesnt believe in the hacking. So naturally when he saw this Washington Post story his reaction was completely consistent with all his previous statements. Im just kidding. Plaf laughter he tweeted, just out, the Obama Administration knew far in advance of noafer 8th about election meddling by russia. Did nothing about it. Why . laughter cheers and applause . Stephen thats right. Thats right, there was no russian hacking, period, fake news. Wait, it was obamas fault. Russia stole our election and obama let it happen. Thanks, obama. No, seriously, thanks obama, im president now, thanks. And the tweet storm did not end there. Since the Obama Administration was told way before the 2016 election that the russians were meddling, why no action . Focus on them, not t. Wait, wait, what . laughter t time, wait, who, who the hell is t. Who is t. You know there is already a letter for when are you talking about yourself, its i. As in i dont believe anyone calls you t. You cant give yourself a nickname. cheers and applause he should have went with a d. Stephen and prez t is taking his new identity very seriously. Check out his new official president ial photo. Very nice. laughter . Jon i pity the 23508. Stephen thats right, i pity the fool. And trump saying oh, its not just the travel that is exhausting me right now. And trump saying we should investigate the Obama Administration and he knows exactly what they did. The reason that president obama did nothing about russia after being notified by the cia of meddling is that he expected clinton would win dot dot, dot dot dot, and did not want to rock the boat. He didnt choke, he colluded or obstructed, and it did the dems and crooked hillary no good. Hold on. Nobody is accusing obama of colluding or obstructing. Thats your deal, okay. Okay . cheers and applause you cant accuse him of your thing. Okay . That would be like someone accusing you of inspiring hope. It just doesnt fit. All right. He also it wouldnt be right. It wouldnt be right. It would not be right. Thats not right. He also tweeted, the real story is that president obama did nothing after being informed in august about russian meddling with four months looking at russia dot dot dot, dot dot, under a magnifying dplas. They have zero tapes of t people colluding. There is no collusion and no on stluks. I should be given apologies. You know what no no, no no, look, im a big enough man to apologize. And i think i speak for the majority americans when i say im sorry youre president. cheers and applause but it is good to be home. But its a good thing, its a good thing trumps tweeting because were not getting a lot of information from White House Press secretary and man wondering why his sandwich is taking so damn long, sean spicer. Spicer banned cameras from last weeks briefings, and then banned them again today. Evidently while i was in russia, we turned into russia. laughter i dont know how long this is going to go on, but with cameras banned from the briefing cnn sent a Court Room Sketch artist to cover spicers briefing. Yeah, yeah, something tells me it wont be the last member of the Trump Administration we see in a Court Room Sketch. cheers and applause also, also, he looks really good, he looks fantastic. Hes chis eled in that sketch. Also, if you take a look at the right, on the right side, you can see the artist even included a drawing of the cameraman who was not allowed to film this press conference. So counting sean, thats a sketch of two people not doing their jobs. But it turns out two, two. But it turns out that was not the only artist who was sent there. Yes, cnn sent a Court Room Sketch artist but six flags sent a caricature artist. Heres one done by cartoonist scott adams, thats spot on. Hates his job. And there were fine artists there too, here is spicer finding out about Donald Trumps latest tweet. And tough job, tough job. And while they did not allow photography, the press briefing was recreated by famed child portrait artist anne geddes. So adorable. Unbelievably adorable. Eat them up. And it wasnt just sean spicer. Luckily there was a painter on hand to capture the moment steve bannon stopped by to chew out the press. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Michael keaton is here. When we return i will applause going on a targetrun out oneed anything . Watermelon water please and soda grandpa got it get everyday low prices on everyday essentials, targetrun and done. Where are mom and dad . saved money on motorcycle insurance with geico goin up the country. Love mom and dad im takin a nap. Dude, you just woke up im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Im goin up the country, baby dont you wanna go . Geico motorcycle, great rates for great rides. Hes got a condo. Hes got a car. Hes got a career. But that still doesnt mean he gets you. Time to shine. Orbit. Stephen hey. Welcome back, everybody, give it up for jon batiste and stay human, right there. That man. applause . Jon whooo stephen you know, jon, it is fantastic to be back, you know. Ive taken the show overseas before. Ive never wanted to be home more than this. Jon wow. Stephen again, absolutely lovely people. Its just a little weird, just a little weird over there. Because you know there are some things you cant say, places you cant go. You know people are watching you, you know. And as i told you before, when i was standing over there, the top story in the news is high level americans have ties to russia. But this time the ties were me. Because i was over there until last night. And weve been planning this trip for months. I mean theres so many details. Were going to have a whole week of stuff to show you that i shot over there. And the wol thrip was supposed to be top secretary et secret. Im serious. laughter i wanted to get over there and get back before anybody knew. And some traitor leaked that i was over there, luckily after an exhaustive search, we have found the leaker. It was me. laughter i i apologize to me. I owe me an apology. I tweeted about it. I will never trust me again. That right there, thats me in front of st. Petersburg winter palace, or as they call it tsaralago. And while i was and while i was in saibt petersburg i was a guest on the russian late night talk show evening urgant t is hosted by the very talented ivan urgant, ivan i presume is russian for jimmy, im not entirely sure. But for those of you not familiar with late night tv in russia, it might seem a little foreign. Let me explain it to you. A white male host does some monologue jokes then sits behind desk to interview celebrities. It works over there show, im not sure. And while talking to ivan i accidently made some news on purpose. Im here to announce that i am considering a run for president in 2020. And cheers and applause and i thought it would be better to cut out the middle man and just tell the russians myself. If anyone would like to work on my campaign in an unofficial capacity, please just let. Stephen. Stephen now, cut that off right there. Cut that off right there. laughter well have the whole damn thing a little later on in our week of russian shows. Now to be clear, all i said in that little clip there was that i was considering a run. If i decide to run, obviously im not going to ask the russians to help my campaign, okay. I would have my sonl ask them. My son in law ask them. Hello, moscow. Come in, moscow. But i want to say thank you to all the people we met in russia from the government agents following us every day to the extras from john wick with the full sleeve of tattoos triangulating in the lobby, okay, including one of these goons right outside my door, okay. So i really want to thank our pharmaceutical industry for helping me sleep at night. And like President Trump, i can neither confirm nor deny the existence of any other tapes of what i did in russia. I did not personally make any such recordings. But im pretty sure my crew did. And we learned a lot. And you will too. Well be right back with michael keaton. laughter applause glang guyscause this is my jam. N. Showtime tell it to my heart tell me im the only one. Nailed it tim, nailed it. The ford summer sales event is on. Its gonna work, i promise you, we can figure this out. Babe. Little help. Hold on, mom. No, wifi. Wifi. Its not a question, its a thing. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. 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Thank you. Stephen you met jon. I did. Remember, with winton mar salist and i think Christian Mcbride was there the Duke Ellington thing. Jon i remember that. Like three years ago, Something Like that. Jon about two years ago. There was this thing at lincoln center. And i was asked to host the thing or emcee this thing. Man, there were like kids that were like ten years old. I know. Crazy, just playing stuff that was unbelievable. And i saw him and i went are you kidding me. When i saw he was your band leader. Stephen he is very mature for a 12 year old. Jon ive got to get the facial hair together. There was a trombone player kid. Jon oh yeah. And. Then joey was there playing, nice. Were just going to talk. Stephen okay, fine. He goes trombone, he goes oh yeah, yeah, that guy. That say really good trombone play thary can make sounds with that. That is kind of amazing. Stephen isnt that pretty. Looks like Jerry Garcias tshirt. Stephen yeah, thats thats our pride dome today. Yeah. Stephen now. Its nice to meet you, weve never met. Stephen yeah, well, i mean youre a big famous movie star, live in los angeles. Im too big, in other words. Stephen well, youre very busy and im very busy. We sort of met at one of those big famous things, those famous events. I dont go to those. Do you go to those . I always imagine they are like fun things that famous people are doing. I think were definitely missing out. Stephen oh really . Oh yeah. Stephen who is there, like clooney and pit. An were like home. Were just home. Stephen as long as you keep working because ive been a fan of yours since night shift as i was saying backstage. If you havent seen it worth going back and seeing it. The batman movies, clean sober, birdman, spotlight, the range of work is amazing. Thanks. Stephen so when you say michael keaton, Everybody Knows michael keaton. But i found out are you not michael keaton. Correct. Stephen i did not know that, that is just a stage name. Correct. Stephen you actually have another name, your real name you actually seuss use, tell the people what it is. My real make is doug douglas, michael douse las. Immediately gets a laugh. Stephen so easy. Yeah. My real name, and i got a gig, i was just starting out and i got this job and because of the union there was pike douglas who used to have a talk show. Stephen sure. And Michael Douglas, the movie star, actor. And somebody said well, you know, you have to change your name, i said i dont really want to change my name, im very proud of my name, by the way, im easing my name back into im trying to kind of ease it back in. Because im proud of my name. So they said well, you know, you have to change your name. I said why. Because there are two other guys in the union. So i changed my name. Now what is great is i used my real name, Michael John Douglas for everything, except, you know, on a marquee or a gig, right. So people get very confused because there will be, you will be going somewhere and there will be a driver with a sign saying Michael Douglas and then i show up. And they look so confused. Because. Stephen theyre expecting to see. Yeah, it would be one thing if you go oh, well, hes obviously not Michael Douglas who, you know, everyone knows Michael Douglas, wrus like a normal guy. Then they go yeah, but wait a minute, i know. Stephen they think theyre having a stroke. Right. Stephen they dont know what is going on. Exactly. Stephen why keaton. Wait a minute, so what i will do, i will go, it used to be, i have to explain this. Explain, now i dont even bother. I just kind of enjoy watching them just kind of go, wait. Whats going on . Who is he . I dont know, i was in a ks in the alphabet n the union, i thought. Stephen it wasnt like Buster Keaton or die ann keaton. However, im not just saying, a huge fan of both, truly t had nothing to do with that, i was in the ks in the alphabet, it is close enough, how about this, how about this, you know, one of those moments. At the time the brilliant Michael Jackson was certainly not down but remember that period where he was like, the jacksons like crazy, insanely tbreat, then there was a quiet spot until he blew up. Stephen yeah, between jacksons and off the wall. Yes, somewhere right in there. Stephen im a fan. Me too. So i thought you know, my middle name is john, you and i are from large families. Stephen large catholic. Large Irish Catholic neams, a lot of nicknames, my middle name is john, they caused to call me john, johnny, jackson, i thought you know i will put Michael Jackson down. Stephen can you imagine. Yeah. Stephen yeah. Yeah, can you imagine if the driver is holding a sign that said Michael Jackson and you showed up. That would be really confusing. Yeah. applause . Stephen okay, big Irish Catholic family. Yeah. Stephen you were an altar boy. I know, have i watched the show. It was really kind of great being an a