Guest the new pornographers featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it is Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . Stephen right over there, everybody. There you go. How are you . Stephen stephen please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well, donald trump is in france right now and i feel, je ne sais quoi, if you know what i mean. I dont, cuz i dont speak french. And i dont blame donald trump from skipping town. The man has had a really rough week. His son admitted to colluding with russia. His Healthcare Plan is looking dead in the water. And his press secretary still has his head stuck in that honey pot. laughter so. Jon honey pot. Stephen trump is now in paris and is he going to be so disappointed once he learns thatoutout doesnt ou ou doesnt mean what he thinks it does. It is just an allegation, jon. And today trump met with frances elegant first Lady Brigitte macron and of course he treated her like any other woman, by objectifying her. Stephen bad donald. No bad. This is not one of your european wife shopping trips. This is business. laughter applause hes got to learn. The man has got to learn his limits. Then trump held a joint press conference with newly elected french president and show hotter justin trudeau, emmanuel macron. Trump invoked americas long history with france. France helped us secure our independence. A lot of people forget. France is americas first and oldest ally, a lot of people dont know that. Stephen nope, just you. laughter we know. Gave us the statue of liberty too, remember that part, statue of liberty . Of course trump got asked about the biggest story in france. His sons collusion with russia. He took a meeting with a russian lawyer, not a government lawyer, but a russian lawyer. It was a short meeting. It was a meeting that, went very, very quickly, very fast. Stephen welcome to trumps america. Where morality is measured by speed. Because it was over quickly, it wasnt wrong. Its like a Five Second Rule for your soul. Hey, i had sex with your sister, hon, but it was over like that. Now applause im sorry, pardon monsieur president e, were you spinning. Two other people in the room, i guess one of them left almost pleadly and the other immediately and the other one was not focused on the meeting. Stephen those other guys didnt have their head ntion the game but my little done did im not surprised, even as a child he was a very advanced colluder, he took ap collusion, very few people know that. But in the end, looking at the story as a whole, thinking about the meeting. Heres trumps bottomline. I do think this. I think from a practical standpoint, most people would have taken that meeting. Stephen yes, most people would have taken it. To the fbi. cheers and applause but thats not me talking. Thats the new attorney general, that is the head of the fbi saying that. But before donald trump left the country he gave more details on that meeting he had with Vladimir Putin last week, at the g20. He told reuters that he pressed putin on the election hack. I said did you do it and he said no, i did not, absolutely not. Then i asked him a second time in a totally different way. He said absolutely not. Then, then, then i asked him a third time and he said he did do, but then i asked him a fourth time and he said no again, so its probably fine, tremendous guy. I mean you got to give it to him, thats thorough. That is as thorough. He said he asked him twice. There is no way putin could have lied a second time. Its impossible. And remember, he specifically said, that little quote there he said he asked him two different ways. Did you hack our elections, no. Okay. Ay, guvner, did you ack our lections. Thank you. That accent right there . Hold on, no, hold on, no. applause i understand. I understand your desire to praise my accent. They call me the meryl streep of late night. Trump then explained his genius theory proving that putin wasnt involved. Somebody did say if he did do it you wouldnt have found out about it. Which is a very interesting point. Yes. A very interesting point. Very stupid but very interesting. And as trump also explained to 700 club founder and christian smeagel pat robertson, russia couldnt have wanted him to win the election because putin was actually pulling for hillary. If hill rae had won, our military would be decimated. Our energy would be much more expensive. Thats why putin doesnt like about me. He would like hillary where she wants to have windmills. Stephen yes. She would want to have windmills. Trump is always fighting against windmills, that is why they call him donald quixote. And applause of course trumps not the only one defending his son. Last night senior white house advisor and satans trophy wife Kellyanne Conway appeared on fox news and used a little visual aid to drive home her point. I just want to review in case you run out of time. This is how i see st so far. This is to help all the people at home. Whats the conclusion, collusion, no. We dont have that yet. I see illusion and delusion, just so we are cleared, condition cleution, collusion, no, illusion, delusion, yes, i just thought we what have some fun with words. Stephen fun, i want to try. Yeah. cheers and applause got some handy visual aids here. Trump, jr. Tried to articulated, but that turned out to incriminate. applause . Stephen yeah, see easy to remember, its something even idiot would anticipate, and now hes going to be an inmate. cheers and applause some fun with words. Haves no have those sent to the smithsonian. Lets see, what else. Oh, the gop, today the gop took yet another crack at passing their healthcare bill. This is their third attempt, just a word of advice, fellas, if you are having that much trouble passing something, you need to see a doctor. Every version so far, up until now, every version of this gop bill has been incredibly unpopular. Polls show that only 12 of americans support it. To put that in perspective, 12 is the rotten tomato score of the talking cat movie nine lives. Coincidentally nine lives is also what you will need to survive trump care. They had to. Thank you. He cant make it. They had to do something radical to make the bill more palatable this time for people to think the bill looked better. So they put something in known as the ted cruz amendment. Nothing gets people more excited like the fraidz now with more ted cruz phrase now with more ted cruz. Cruzs amendment would allow insurers to sell cheaper plans with fewer benefits that would likely attract younger and healthier americans, so instead of a comprehensive plan, insurers could charge you a little bit each month for a service that doesnt give you everything you really want. Like netflix, but you die. I guess, i guess the white house was expecting a bad score from the Congressional Budget Office cuz yesterday they released an attack ad claiming the cbo makes its estimates inaccurately. But heres the thing, the white house actually had to pull that ad because they misspelled the word innak rattily. Oh innaccurately. Oh, oh, that applause i got to say, that is ironic with a capital y. We got a great show for you tonight. Ashton kutcher is here. I am going to terrify all you parents. Stick around. Stephen jon batiste right there the man. applause jon, i just want to take a moment here, please have a seat, i want to take a moment to say congratulations to you, everybody over there and everybody who works on this show. Because today the late show got nominated for six emmys. applause congratulations, guys. Congratulations. Stephen thank you, thank you. Best show, best writing, best directing and im so proud of everybody who works here, everybody is responsible for this kind of stuff. So tonight something special, at the end of the show, were going to scroll all their names on the screen. And its six nominations this area because its not only for this show but its also for our Election Special which, i dont remember all that well because were nominated in the category of outstanding opening a bottle of bourbon and crying on live television. But anyway, congratulations to everybody. Thank you for what you did. Congratulations. applause congratulations. You know, ive got teen kids, folks. And when you got teens there is so much to worry about. But every once in a while i like to take my mind off those worries and instead worry about what the local news says i should worry about. This is the late shows teen secrets. Teen i you know, it is no secret that teens are always looking for a way to get high, unlike us adults. Cheers to us, by the way. Hmmmm. Hmmmm. Well, there is a new high out there from an unexpected source. A new way to get a buzz from something that is inexpensive, widely available, perfectly legal and teens already love it. Chocolate. A new chocolatebased product, cokeo lock coco loko a powder that users can snort. Stephen finally a chocolate you dont have to taste. This gives an entirely new definition to brownnosing. This snortable chocolate is coco loko and costs 24. 99 for ten servings. Now that sounds like a lot but remember theres also a chocolate on the market that costs 100,000 and that wont even get you high. So what is in it . I will let the c. E. O. Of coco loko explain. It is basically crazy chocolate because its chocolate mixed with other things that creates a crazy effect. Stephen something tells me that snortable chocolate isnt the first time this guy has had a brush with nose candy. And coco loko is more than just inhallable chocolate, folks. Because its mixed with a bunch of other crap. The product is actually a blend, cacao powder with other ingredients often found in n drink, the makers claim it is make an elevated mood and state of euphoria like the eck stas. Stephen but more like the feeling of hey, guys, i couldnt get ecstasy, you want to snort some ovaltine . Coco loko has even gotten the attention of Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer who said this suspect product has no clear health value. I cant think of a single parent who thinks it is a good idea for their children to be snorting overthecounter stim lants up their noses. Wow, what a gloomy gus. Sounds like somebody needs a bump of coco loko. And skinny johna hill here isnt concerned about the potential health affects. I didnt consult with any medical professional. Stephen there you have it. He didnt consult with any medical professionals. Problem ignored. Though he did do some research to make sure coco loko was safe. I basically just saw what europe was doing out here there was no health issues, its been out two, three years, everybody seems fine, its very popular. There is really no neck tiff publicity so i fell were good to go. Stephen yeah, were good to go. Why dont we test all drugs that way. I mean no one currently on cocaine has any complaints about it. I got to say, this guy and his snortable chocolate had made me realize all the ways that candy pushers are already after our kids. This suggest arer ep dik is bigger that be just quoko loco, and we have a choice, do we confront it now or later. Of course, some airheads may say that candy is good and plenty if people use it but ignore their snickers because the smarties know were in mounds of trouble. It seems innocent but eventually youll blow every payday, go on a crime [bleep] spree and the next thing you know, you are on the street turning twix. applause well be right back. With ashton kutcher. Welcome back, everybody. Folks, my first guest tonight is an actor, a producer and a twitter pioneer who now stars in the netflix series, the ranch. Please welcome ashton kutcher. cheers and applause nice to see you again. applause theyre fired up. Stephen how is your summer going so far. Its going amazing. Stephen yeah. My wife was working on a movie in atlanta. Stephen mila k, nis. Yeah, thats her. So i got to spend the last two months in atlanta just running after the kids and handling out. Stephen thats night nice. Yeah, it was tbreat. Stephen did you enjoy any of the regional food that georgia allows . I gained like ten pounds, like for real am between that and its funny, when you dont work all day you can drink beer in the middle of the day and its awesome. Stephen i lack forward to it. An i found, and its right here, im keeping it. Stephen let me ask you something here, i have a question for you, you have invested in uber, spotify, airbnb, skype, you like to support new technologies that allow people to communicate, have commerce in new ways. But like if i had a new idea, what are the questions that you would be asking me about my product . Like what do need to know before you go yeah, kutcher is in. My biggest thing is like founders first. So i want to know. Stephen what is that, founders first. So i believe that the founders of the company, cuz im usually investing in really early stage when it like two guys, a dog and a power point presentation. Stephen like airbnb you jumped in early on that. Yeah, i think there were like 20 or 30 employees when i invested. It was like four or five years ago or something. But i want to know that the idea is audacious and that it is something that has like a gigantic total addressable market. I usually like it when at first it doesnt land in your ear right, like it almost needs to seem nonsensable. Like the idea that people are just going to sleep on peoples couches, and like everyone is being to be cool with that, is like,. Stephen is that the one that surprised you the post because all these things, so many of these things that you invested in have been successful. Is there one that took off that you are like that kind of even surprises me. Airbnb is shocking. To me uber was shocking, the fact that everyone would pay a little more to ride in a black car, like dont we just want to get there. And all of a sudden it turns into this jugger naught. But there is even stuff like, there is a Company Called acorns that we just invested. Stephen acorns. And this company is its basically like a tip jar for your spending. So when you spend, you round it up, you tip it and you tip it into acorns and it invests it for you in an intelligent balanced portfolio. Stephen wait a seconded, so i so i, what happens . Stephen i didnt even here, so im spending money with my phone. It rounds up whatever your expenses are to the nearest dollar. Stephen is i go buy a coffee. Yeah, say its like, you know, 1. 65. It will take the other 35 cents and immediately puts it into your acorns account and then it basically like starts to diversify and build up a savings portfolio for you. Stephen what if i pitch an idea t is you will cad the system that i am working on. Its Communications TechnologyCompany Called flurpee and in flurpee what you do, you have some sort of sensor in youred aboutee that is always checking on your health, like what your temperature is, your endokrine system and if i get sick, it sends a signal to my friends saying stef sen not feeling well, he has a fever, maybe he is feeling a little flurpee and people are like, if i had known you were sick i would have brought you soup or something. And then suddenly, soup, i dont even have to ask for it. Flurpee. applause im in, im in, i love it. I love it. It sounds absurd. Stephen its ridiculous. But maybe thats the next best thing, are you go to promote it on the show every night, im definitely in. Stephen oh yeah, totally, totally. I will find the engineer to build it for you if you are going to do that. Stephen yeah, just make the probe comfortable, thats all i ask. Are you investing in anything fun now that people might be interested in hearing about . I hear you have a cow thing going on. Oh, yeah, i invested in a Company Called cowler. It is basically a fit bit for cows. See in that is how i knew it was good i was. Stephen are cows getting flabby . Why do they need. So im at this incubator and pitching a hundred companies. Stephen and an incubate certificate what. Where Young Technology people go to build their company from the ground up. It is like a supportive community, helps them build it and a guy pitches a fit bit for cows and everyone laughs. And im like thats funny but its not. Because if you think about darey cow production, you actually need to know exactly when the cow is pregnant in order to hit the cycles in order to get the milk from the cow, right . Stephen sure. And the existing infrastructure for this is ridiculously extension expensive and not brilliantly built and these guys are doing it at a reasonable price that actually increases dairy production yield. Stephen that is from knowing how many steps the cow took that day. How do you know the cows arent just doing this in the field, just shaking their paws because that is what everybody just does, im at 10,000. Im going to get them today. Im going to get them today. It tracks the temperature of the cow, it tracks the location of the cow, so you know. Stephen well, that is flurpee. It is basically flurpee. Stephen im suing the damn cows. They stole your idea. Stephen lawyer up, bessie. That one is a good one. There is another company we just testify invested in called hooked, swi really cool. Yeah, hook ed. There is users and they are hear. Stephen he is a pirate out there. I think its like the new form of storytelling which is were so used to reading text messages. Stephen yai yai. That we are building a narrative exeu taition in our brains that is from reading text messages. What this does, it just basically, it is storytelling but through a text message fore mat. So it will start out, the first one will be like mom, dont come upstairs. And then you click it and then it comeses alike what . Stephen all written by 14 year old boys. Its amazing. And its like a horror story where you are enthralled because are you so used to the emotional response that you get from reading text messages. Stephen and you are hooked on the story. And youre hooked. Stephen oh, wow, im in, im in. You want in on that one. Stephen im in for 40. And the cow one too. Stephen cow one. Cowler and hook. Stephen why should i buy the cow when i can get the milk for free, ashton kutcher. Now were you a twitter pioneer, you were the first person to hit a Million People on twitter. Yeah. Stephen okay, what do you think, our president has made a has nothing to do with politics. Nothing to do. Stephen im just asking, our president has made a bit of a career last faw years on twitter and now he is the most powerful twitter user in the world. What do you think of the way he tweets. Have you got any critique of his use of the technology . Just as a pioneer, im just asking as a pioneer, not a political consultants. Okay, so here is what i will say. When twitter first started, when i first got on twitter, you could actually kind of say whatever you thoug