Yeah, i dont think radio active spider bites are covered either announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen welcomes john oliver, Woody Harrelson and musical guest Emmylou Harris, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen a litten gentler thank you very much hey, everybody jon, rare to see you in the same outfit audience chanting Stephen Stephen hey, everybody cheers and applause i wish we had a crowd like that thursday and friday night. These people are incredible. They give and give. piano riff welcome to the late show. Im Stephen Colbert. End of a long week for donald trump, jr. laughter he hasnt been under this much stress since his first job interview. I see here on your resume that youre my son. Special skills, having my same name. Youre hired. laughter and its looking more and more like that meeting with the russian lawyer might not just mean trouble for donald trump, jr. , but also the other Campaign Staff he invited, Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner. Eric trump wasnt invited, because they were afraid hed try to take off the russian lawyers head to see if there were more lawyers nesting inside. laughter applause piano riff too dangerous. They could not risk it. International incident is what that would be. Jon yeah. Stephen and who was the international operative who set up this clandestine meeting . None other than music publicist and old guy at the rave no one wants to dance with, rob goldstone. Goldstone runs a Public Relations company in england named oui 2. Which is also what trump allegedly ordered in that Russian Hotel room. laughter allegedly goldstone is a shadowy character, but my team of experts were able to dig up some evidence on him through a complex hacking method called visiting his facebook page. laughter and hes clearly a master of disguises. Here he is as a chef, pirate shriner, and mexican wrestler. Clearly the man has spent decades deep undercover in a popup halloween store. Because if goldstone werent an international superspy, why would he have other identities, like this video i like to condition and moisturize my hair. Im a good girl. Stephen jim, thats the wrong footage. I didnt ask for an international supermodel. laughter okay. Of course, with don, jr. And Jared Kushner embroiled in scandals, President Trump can still turn to Senior Advisor and man drinking quietly at the back of the bowling alley, steve bannon. booing lot of steve bannon fans tonight. We havent heard from bannon in a while, but hes back in the news thanks to a new book called devils bargain. Which is also the name of Steve Bannons signature cologne. laughter an excerpt of the book was published this week in new york magazine, and its full of juicy details like his rivalry with Jared Kushner, who bannon says was trying to shiv him and push him out the door. Oh, yeah, you know jareds a badass. I heard he was captain of his prep schools shiv team. laughter applause who doesnt love a good shivving . And according to the book, when the president fired james comey, bannon was against it. But once the backlash hit, trump turned to bannon to create an outside war room to put a prophylactic around the oval office. So, at least now we know trump is using protection when hes screwing us. laughter jon oh stephen its so important. piano riff its so important. Jon its important to use protection, huh . piano riff applause stephen and you need not worry about Steve Bannons selfesteem. The book reveals that he owns an oil painting of himself dressed as napoleon in his study. We just have reports, no image of the painting, but i had my Graphics Team work up a rendition. Heres the original. And heres bannon. laughter looking good. Hes had a little work done. Hes had a freshen up. But bannons not the only trump insider in the news. So is attorney general and imp who gets your firstborn if you dont guess his name, Jeff Sessions. laughter earlier this week, sessions spoke to an antil. G. B. T. Hate group in a closeddoor speech. Closeddoor . Come on guys, its 2017 its okay to come out, and let your hate flag fly youre here, you fear, were used to it. cheers and applause piano riff thank you. Were celebrating your journey the Group Sessions spoke to was Alliance Defending freedom, a powerhouse christian law firm, defending clients like the bakery that refused to make a samesex wedding cake. They also wrote model legislation, such as bathroom bills, which are aimed at keeping transgender people out of restrooms. So no cake for gay couples, no bathrooms for transgender people, and bisexuals may not use shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle. Gotta pick a side. applause got to. Its in the bible someplace. Leviticus. Always a safe bet. laughter leviticus is a very safe bet. Whoever wrote leviticus was uptight, let me just say that. laughter the a. D. F. s mission has been described as seeking to recover the robust christendomic theology of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th centuries. Ah, the good old days laughter the third, fourth and fifth centuries when men were men and women died in childbirth at fourteen. So what did sessions say to these people . Weve asked but we dont know because, so far, both the a. D. F. And the Justice Department have declined requests to release his full remarks. Which means we can only speculate what he said. So i will. laughter applause jim, could we . laughter good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I do declare i am positively flabbergasted by the amount of homosexualitizing i see in our country these dark days. We must return our culture to what god intended. Men marrying women, having Marital Relations just for reproduction, lights off, socks on, finishing with firm handshake. laughter i just realized theres a man behind me in this shot laughter then, then pay no attention to the man behind the cookie laughter then, when this heightened moral state is achieved, im going to take away their pot heh heh im Jeff Sessions lets go visit stephens tummy tum wheeeee ahhh cheers and applause stephen so good. So good. So good. Jon i had one earlier. Stephen if seeing me eat our nations attorney general gave you the munchies, and you live in nevada, ive got some good news because, starting this month, nevadans can buy legal marijuana. cheering personally, im against it i think its wrong to be high while youre gambling drunk with a prostitute. laughter apparently, sales are already far exceeding expectations, with estimated sales of 3 million in the first four days alone. Explains their new tourist slogan what happens in vegas stays in. Wait, where are we again . laughter but sales have been so good that less than two weeks in nevadas marijuana supplies are already running low. Its so bad, that the governor declared a state of emergency. laughter a state of emergency jon wow wow stephen up until now, a weed emergency was when you lock yourself in your room because youre paranoid that your cat knows youre high. Hes going to figure out im the one who had him fixed. laughter hey, any fellow catholics here tonight . cheers then you got the alert on that catholic app we all have. For those who arent catholics, big news out of pope city, the vatican has outlawed glutenfree bread for holy communion. Of course, you cant have the body of christ without gluten, he is risen laughter piano riff thats the truth. Thats the truth. Jon i like that. Stephen its the truth. Live it. Its all based on the teachings of famed catholic scholar the pillsbury dough pope. laughter now this puts catholics with celiac disease in a tough position. Do they compromise their health to take communion, or do they refuse the churchs most important sacrament . Im sure when they get to heaven, st. Peter will say, you feed the poor, cared for the sick, and loved your neighbor as yourself, but youre one of those annoying glutenfree people. Go to hell laughter but the vatican isnt entirely heartless. They say, parishioners who cannot tolerate even a trace amount of gluten should receive wine only. Which is kind of nice. Wine on an empty stomach really makes mass fly by. laughter now, as a catholic, i am legally obligated to agree with my church. The communion must include gluten. The only one who can disagree is god himself. And i do disagree, stephen. Stephen oh, hi. Its god, everybody say hey to the lord hey, everybody cheers and applause hey hey how you doing . Long week, huh . Thank me, its friday. laughter stephen so youre against the church insisting that the eucharist have gluten . Oh yeah, im glutenfree. Im also doing a cleanse right now. Can i tell you about it . Stephen i dont really its lemon water, cayenne pepper, and a little maple syrup. Goes through you like samson through the philistines. laughter yeah. I had to drop a few lbs after i ate the dinosaurs. Stephen you ate the dinosaurs . Yeah, i was doing paleo. An old girlfriend got me into it. Shes a tattoo artist now. Her names crysta krystal with. laughter stephen but youre god. If youre glutensensitive, cant you change the communion rule . Ehhh, im not actually glutensensitive, stephen. I heard about it on dr. Oz once, and i just wanted to be cool. Frankly, ive been dying for an excuse to hit this meatball sub. Mmmm want some, stephen . Please say no. Stephen actually, im vegan right now. You go to hell stephen god, everybody. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Weve got special never before seen president ial battle between me and john oliver. But its friday and that means midnight confessions. Stick around cheers and applause band playing . Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea heres pepto bismol ah. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea and now im sure its more than a stroke of luck yeah, i love you, do you love me, too . Yeah, i love you, do you love me, too . Clap your hands if it feels good clap your hands, ohh this blue goo leaves a residue quit playin with my eyes,ghter. Goo. So, seventh generation developed this powerful natural detergent it gets your clothes clean. Really clean. Buh bye blue goo, and come clean with seventh generation. [ sighs ] hey, i was using that. What, you think we own stock in the Electric Company . I will turn this car around right now theres nobody back there. I was becoming my father. [ clears throat ] its. Been an adjustment, but were making it work. You know, progressive. Com makes it easy for us to get the right home insurance. [ snoring ] progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto. [ chuckles ] all right. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause jazzmataz jon, i love the weekend, fridays, i love getting away, being with my family and having fun, but im excited about getting back here because next week its russia week on the late show. We went to russia, deep inside, behind the iron curtain, which isnt even there anymore. We went to the hotel where donald trump stayed. We talked to oligarchs, people on the street, to Cyber Security experts, it was spooky. Couldnt wait to get out of there. I almost kissed the ground when i got off the plane, but it was inside j. F. K. And i know whos been walking there. Not a good idea. Not a good idea. laughter as i was saying before, im catholic. And as a catholic, i feel a lot of guilt about how much i talk about my guilt. And i dont get to confession as often as i like or ever. So, if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. laughter okay. Be right back. soft organ music forgive me audience for dessert last night, i had a cupcake, which is an abbreviation for a couple of cakes. laughter when people ask me if celebrities get special treatment, i always tell them the same thing please step away from the hovercraft. laughter if i ask to pet your dog, its because the mens room was out of paper towels. laughter i dont know what a toilet towel is. I meant to say toilet paper but its friday and ive already started drinking. cheers and applause i always lie to get out of jury duty. And the judge always says, sir, youre the defendant. laughter i believe with all my heart we should do everything we can to fight global warming, other than turn down the air conditioning one degree in this theater. laughter ive been eating a strictly vegan diet all week, and its very empowering. For instance, i no longer fear death. I long for it. laughter applause i have a box of kraft macaroni cheese in my cupboard with an ad on the back for a bugs life. laughter the premise being that the box is so old. laughter applause if someone tells me when god closes a door, he opens a window, i want to lock the door and shove them out the window. laughter forgive me, audience audience we forgive you stephen thanks. When we come back, john oliver, and i, will see each other face to face in a president ial battle that was so good we saved it for tonights show. cheers and applause band playing to tinto a flamecker youll need a spark. New emergenc Energy Natural caffeine from green tea to focus your mind. 7 b vitamins plus vitamin c to fortify you. Spark the energy within you every day. Emergenc energy . Emerge and see. Whats going on here . Um. Im babysitting. Thatll be 50 bucks. You said 30. Yeah, well it was 30 before my fees, like the pizzaordering fee and the dogsitting fee. And the rummage through your closet fee. Who is she, verizon . Are those my heels . Yeah yeah, were the same size. In shoes. With tmobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just 40 bucks each. The price we say is the price you pay. Which one of you the cheetos snacks . Okay, ive given you guys a chance to confess. This little baby can detect trace amounts of cheetos dust. Whaaaaat . Gloria . Kids . [meow] when did we get a cat . Dangerously cheesy. When it comes to hitting prperfect drives,er. Nobody does it better. Hes also into oil painting. Looking good. But when it comes to mortgages, hes less confident. Fortunately for rickie, theres Rocket Mortgage by quicken loans. Its simple, so he can understand the details and be sure hes getting the right mortgage. Apply simply. Understand fully. Mortgage confidently. People are experiencing all the excitement chevy has to offer. Ahhhh. Oh boy. Im looking straight up. Holy smokes. I cant tell im towing anything. Wow. Thats the jam right there. Go for thrilling drives and deals at the chevy summer drive. I want to go to the chevy dealership right when i get home. Get the last of the 2017 traverse lt models with 15 below msrp. Thats over fiftysix hundred dollars on this chevy traverse. Find new roads at your local chevy dealer. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome back to the late late show. Welcome to a special Bonus Edition of john oliver. cheers and applause any other show would waste this moment right now on a webex tray. Huhuh. Stephen huhuh. This is bonus john oliver, you didnt ask for or want. laughter stephen i have a bone to pick with you. Pick it. Stephen its because you and i both got wind that town in gettysburg, pennsylvania. Thats right. Stephen this was the gettysburg president museum hall of fame. The wax president ial museum. Stephen wax president ial museum. And we didnt know each other were interested. Stephen no. We sent people down, and you sent people down there. Because were both attracted to things that are objectively ridiculous. Stephen and jon stewart sent somebody down there because what do you want . You want a wax president. Stephen or a wax first lady which, if you remember, they had the wax first ladys for only twothirds the height, as if back in the 18th century there was no calcium. Representing hope women would eventually be paid. audience reacts stephen thats commentary, not endorsement from him. Hes a satirist. I cant be the bad guy there it wasnt a suggestion, it was a criticism laughter stephen we have Zachary Taylor, thats who you bid on, and you got warren g. Harding, right . We got five president s of which my favorite was indeed the ultimate warren g. Stephen five . Five. Stephen these things arent cheap. They cost thousands. Thats more of that dragon money, right . laughter yeah. Stephen damn it but heres the thing, i was happy for you. I was almost validated because i i respect you. He wanted some, i got some. I was happy for you. This is what you said on your show. Congratulations, stephen worth pointing taylor tied of a stomach bug. applause stephen i know what this means and it doesnt apply. That was totally uncalled for and i would like for you to apologize you want me to apologize to you for insulting your wax president . Stephen no. I want you to apologize to wax Zachary Taylor. Bring him out, fellas cheers and applause playing hail to the chief cheers and applause i would love to apologize to a wax president , but i dont see a wax president. I see a oneyear wonder who died of a tender tummy. laughter you want to see what a real wax president looks like . Let me take you to the gspot. The warren g. Harding spot bring my boy out cheers and applause playing hail to the chief stephen all right, lets settle this like men with insults. Oh, its on you know how Zachary Taylor died . After a july 4th celebration where he treated himself to too much milk and cherries. He basically o. D. d on a snack for preschoolers. Boom stephen really . Can i get a boom on that . Stephen really . Yes. Stephen known philanderer warren g. Harding also died in office of a heart condition. Really . I didnt realize your heart could get syphilis hey hey hey respect the office no one even knows who your guy is 90 of americans thi