My hit single, rose the late in the summer wine. Rose, that late in the summer wine say hey summertime wine and dine chuck rose but youve got to buy the album. Horks lla at you, boy. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes charlie rose and jessica williams. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo right there. Nice. Very nice. Hey, whats going on . Please, thank you so much. Wow. That is that is make no mistake make no mistake, that right there, that is a friday crowd right there. cheers and applause i wish we could have a crowd like this two nights in a row. Thats incredible. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, i want to say thank god its friday. cheers and applause though, im not entirely sure gods the one who has been in control this week because the news is a hellscape. Your know they call the presidency the bully pulpit, so far, donald trump is only doing the bully part. One of his victims this week is alaska senator and summertime manager of the overlook hotel, lisa murkowski. laughter murkowski was one of only two republican senators who voted against bringing the g. O. P. Healthcare bill to the floor on tuesday. cheers and applause yeah, yeah. That clapping means youre not donald trump, because trump tweetwedgeied her and with this tweet, i just let them down a little further. Too bad okay, thats tough talk. But shes not up for reelection until 2022, so hes got nothing on her, he cant threaten her. Which is why the Trump Administration has threatened retribution against the entire state of alaska over murkowskis votes. Hes got to. Because donald trump knows that being president is like being in prison youve got to walk up to the biggest state in the union and just jack em. Otherwise, the senate smells weakness and turns you into their sweetmeats for the next three and a half years. But im surprised trump would threaten alaska. Theyve got a lot in common. He got his start on reality shows, just like every citizen of alaska did. Apparently, murkowski and alaskas other senator both got a threatening call from interior secretary and man who wants to get you into a used pickup today, okay, whats it going to take . Ryan zinke. He called the alaskan senators to tell them that the vote had put alaskas future with the administration in jeopardy. Oh, come on you cant scare alaskans. Their state motto is if you have to, eat the dogs. laughter applause so i think thats true. Its in latin. It sounds better in latin. So trump sent one of his goons to threaten people who cross him. This administration is like organized crime, except for the organized part. cheers and applause its not very good at this fellas. I dont know. I cant tell. Is donald trump really willing to throw an entire state under the bus just because his feelings are hurt . Jimmy, could we look at the white house today . Can we zoom in on that flag . Oh, that does not look good. That does not look good. Puerto rico, polish up your resume. This might be your shot laughter the one person in washington trump has really givin the executive swirlie to this week is attorney general and pixie watching you have sex from behind a clover leaf, Jeff Sessions. laughter trump is still furious that sessions recused himself from the russia investigation. And now he doesnt have a right hand man at justice who will fire mueller for him. And we have now learned that trump has been talking privately about how he might replace sessions and possibly sidestep Senate Oversight with a recess appointment. Wow, just replacing sessions while everyone is out on vacation . That is cold. Thats like saying, hi, kiddo. Welcome back from summer camp by the way, this is your new sister, alice. Shes replacing your old sister, martha, who lets face it was a little mouthy. Anyway, get washed up, buddy, come on or youre next its the first baby goose step so a lot of senators are trying to stop it, like illinois senator and bugeyed squeezy toy, dick durbin, who said, were exploring the ways right now to keep the senate formally in session through the august recess. They might cancel recess . That means Mitch Mcconnell would have to set up his slip and slide on the senate floor cheers and applause and, and, its not. cheers and applause it looks fun. That looks refreshing. Its not just the democrats. South Carolina Republican and oldest man in an Elementary School picture, lindsay graham, is warning the president not to mess with sessions. Im 100 behind Jeff Sessions. There will be no confirmation hearing for a new attorney general in 2017. If Jeff Sessions is fired, there will be holy hell to pay. Stephen holy hell. Holy hell. I do declare. Holy hell. If you persist, i will whip you with my fiddlesticks. Holy hell. And graham went on to warn any effort to go after mueller could be the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. cheers and applause . Stephen yes, and again, if he doesnt go after mueller thats also the beginning of the end of the trump presidency. So either way, things are looking up. And graham is not the only republican standing up to trump. Chairman of the Senate Judiciary committee and ancient idol carved from potato, Chuck Grassley, tweeted, everybody in d. C. Should be warned that the agenda for the judiciary comm is set for rest of 2017. Judges first subcabinet, second a. G. , no way. Wow, i did not know Chuck Grassley was into slam poetry m. C. , tap that grassley. A. G. , no way in the u. S. A. You oughta know this, potus im the o. G. Of the g. O. P. In the sennot of the united hates of ascareica. cheers and sorry. These are expensive, i think. Im not sure i should have done. Jon you dont want to break that. Stephen lets talk about press secretary and mother of the kid who bit your kid, Sarah Huckabee sanders. Its been a jampacked week. Reporters have had a hard time getting straight answers about jared kushner. Attorney general jeff session, in or out. Hiewrg. So wednesday huckasanders cleared everything by reading a letter from a random kid. Aye name is dillon but everybody calls me pickle. Im nine years old and youre my favorite president. I like you so much that i had a birthday about you. Stephen hold on. Whats a trumpthemed birthday look like . Is there a wall around the pinata . Do you laughter applause what do you i dont know what you i dont know. Do do you blow out the candles or do some nice russian ladies, lets say, extinguish them . laughter you dont have to make a wish, pickle, but definitely close your eyes. Im sorry, you were answering the tough questions . Then dillon goes on to ask a few questions. I dont know why people dont like you . Me, either, dillon. You seem really nice. Can we be friends . Im happy to say i directly spoke to the president , dillon, and he would be more than happy to be your friend. Stephen id be careful, pickle. laughter applause i know one little boy, little jeffy sessions, who wrote the same letter last year and he regrets it. Anyway, sarah, thank you. Thank you. cheers and applause thank you for sharing that. I know you only give reporters a limited amount of time so how about a quick question about jareds meeting with the russian. Guys, i hate to cut it short. The president has an event. Stephen would love to talk about undermining our democracy but i would like to have the deep dive on that pickle letter. To doles cheers and applause shes just shamelessly, shamelessly running the clock out on journalists. Whats next, a cooking segment with mario lopez . laughter i would watch that. I would watch that. Yeah, i would definitely id have him on here but id want him shirtless. So unbelievable. Unbelievable. So all you frustrated reporters, if you want your questions answered, clearly theres only one way to do it. Come on out here, norah norah, everybody give it up there you go. Thank you so much for being here. Good to see you. Good to see you. So great. Hi, stephen. Stephen hi, norah, are you ready to help americans get their questions answered. Sure am. Dear president , my name is norah, but everyone calls me mustard. Youre my favorite current president. laughter anyway, i was wondering, does the attorney general enjoy your full support . And how do you plan to implement the ban on transgender people currently serving in the military . Will those on active duty be called home . Sounds like a logistical nightmare. laughter one more thing are you a puppet of Vladimir Putin . laughter i love puppets cheers and applause i love puppets i made one at camp love, mustard. cheers and applause p. S. people say we have the same hands laughter cheers and applause . Stephen mustard, everybody meanwhile, last week, i dont know if you guys watched the show, i had former Vice President al gore on the show to promote his schedule to an inconvenient truth, which is great news. It turns out there is still enough earth left to make a sequel. Its a great documentary about Climate Change that i suggest everyone check out. After all, theres no better way to show you care about the planet than sitting in a theater with the air conditioning blasting while drinking out of giant plastic cups. Plus, during our interview, the former Vice President unveiled an interesting Marketing Strategy for the documentary. We are going to win this. The only question is how long it will take. And to young people, in particular, i really recommend this movie as a date movie. laughter stephen because . Its a hot date movie. Its an amazingly hot date movie. Stephen because if the end of the worlds coming, you might as well hook up with me. laughter youve got to admit, that does make a great pickup line. So with that in mind, we at the late show want to offer anyone interested in finding a date for this movie, al goreapproved Climate Change pickup lines. Are you Climate Change . Because when i look at you, the world disappears . Stephen im like 97 of scientists i cant deny its getting hot in here. Looking at you, two things are clear heaven is missing an angel. And the u. S. Is missing any kind of viable responsible climate policy. Stephen is that an iceberg the size of delaware breaking off the Antarctic Ice shelf or are you just happy to see me . I hope your not powered by fossil fuels, because youve been running through my mind all day. Stephen tell you what sea levels not the only thing rising around here. Either wastewater disposal from fracking has caused an increase in earthquakes in this area, or you have rocked my world. cheers and applause stephen an inconvenient sequel is in theaters today. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Its friday, so that means midnight confessions. Stick around. Whats going on here . Um. Im babysitting. Thatll be 50 bucks. You said 30. Yeah, well it was 30 before my fees, like the pizzaordering fee and the dogsitting fee. And the rummage through your closet fee. Are those my heels . Yeah yeah, were the same size. In shoes. With tmobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just 40 bucks each. For a limited time save 300 dollars on the amazing iphone 7. When we say study you say haul study haul study haul when we say study you say haul study haul study haul everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. First you start with this. These guys. A place like shhh no. Found it and definitely lipton ice tea. Lots of it. A lipton meal is what you bring to it. And the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. My advice for looking get your beauty sleep. And use aveeno® absolutely ageless® night cream with active naturals® blackberry complex. Younger looking skin can start today. Absolutely ageless® from aveeno®. I. Prilosec otc 7 years ago,my doctor recommended. 5 years ago, last week. Just 1 pill each morning, 24 hours and zero heartburn. Its been the number 1 doctor recommended brand for 10. Straight years, and its still recommended today. Use as directed. Hey. What can you tell me about your new Social Security alerts . Oh well alert you if we find your Social Security number on any one of thousands of risky sites, so youll be in the know. Ooh. Sushi. Ugh. Being in the know is a good thing. Sign up online for free. Discover Social Security alerts. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody, right over there. Give it up for the band right now cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen, if youre new to the show, you may not know this but i am a catholic. But i have a hard time getting to mass sometimes because there isnt a church in my bedroom. laughter and i really miss some of my catholic traditions. The one i miss the most is confessions. So id like to take a moment right now, if you dont mind, to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Forgive me, audience, i never go to the gym, so i bought a home gym. Now i never go home. laughter im about eight reminders away from considering rescheduling my next dental visit. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes when i wake up from a beautiful dream, i feel a little sad. When i see the car i just rear ended. laughter i dont always drink beer, but when i do, i make up for all the times i dont. laughter audience, i have never pre heated the oven a single second longer than it takes to open a roll of cookie dough. laughter laughter cheers and applause laughter laughter forgive me, audience, i took a much smaller bite in rehearsal. laughter ah if youre hitchhiking and i pick you up, its only because i think i can take you in a knife fight. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i secretly hope i get the flu so my todo list will shrink down to finish bowl of soup. They say theres no wrong way to eat a reeses, but im thinking a whole bag while youre idling in the driveway is close. laughter sometimes, my hips lie. laughter you know, i never i never tell the flight attendant, but i am not prepared to help out in the emergency exit row. laughter applause what am i supposed to do with the door again . Do i do i ride it down the wing like a surf board . I dont know. Sometimes i write booze into my comedy bits just as an excuse to drink. laughter cheers and applause mmmm. That tastes necessary to the scene. laughter forgive me, audience. Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back. applause the ford summer sales event is in full swing. They are not listening to me. Watch this. Who wants ice creeaaaaaam . So thats how you get them to listen. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer. Get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. During the ford summer sales event get zero percent for seventytwo months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Offer ends soon. The Samsung Galaxy s8 get threeat best buy. Lars off how was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Itshop early to save big ls and Friends Family take an extra 20 off kids backpacks are just 11. 99 juniors denim is 17. 59 and fila sneakers are just 23. 99 plus youll get kohls cash too this saturday at kohls. Dear fellow citizen, spending time hunting treasures with my daughter is wonderful. Because before im even ready, shell be off to college. And though ive planned for it, i may need a loan to help her pay her way there. Just like i do for my son. Citizens bank student loans, call 18669990150. As a leader in student lending, we have student loan options that others dont. Including better alternatives to federal loans. I can show you how to pay for your own childs way to college. In case you dont find that treasure chest. If you have a question about student loans, ask me. Sincerely michele wright, fellow mom and fellow citizen. Citizens bank student loans, call 18669990150 to apply now. Y band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody thank you, jon i love that song. Thats yours, right . Jon yeah. Stephen i love that. My first guest has made a remarkable career asking important questions on cbs this morning, 60 minutes, and charlie rose. My question is how does he have time to be sneer please welcome charlie rose. I like the football trot. Thats very nice. Nice to see you again. That interview with the boy scouts keeps on giving, doesnt it. Stephen the boy scout thick is extraordinary. Were you a boy scout . I was, indeed, but never an eagle scout glifs an eagle scout for one day. I cant brag about it. For one day is a big thing. Stephen for one day, yeah. I marched through woods i already knew. You were a South Carolina boy. I was a North Carolina boy. The boy scouts were a big thing. Stephen it was. I wanted to play with my friends. I said cant we play alone without the adults around and then we can set fires without supervision. Its much more fun. Yes. Stephen its sort of extraordinary. Theres sort of a moral heresy, i think, going to children and pouring your political poison in their ears. Its inappropriate, dont you think . Absolutely. It was an interview or piece that kept on giving one possibility to do a joke after another. It was like, im doing this for stephen, wrrch he, is i hope you are listening. Stephen well, if you are listening, sir. Stop. All full, thanks. Well, listen. How are you doing . Since the last time we had you on here you had heart surgery. I did. Stephen . February. Are they building a bigger, better, indestructible charlie rose. The bionic man. I have two artificial valves and im not sure whats next but im ready. Stephen youre certainly tough as hell. We sho