Mainians . Its wait, wait, wait this just in. North Korea Threatens Nuclear strike near gaum. Near gaum. Apparently they dont know where gaum is either were saved hurray announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight stephen welcomes Millie Bobby Brown, Jim Jefferies and musical guest zeshan b. , featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing captioning sponsored by cbs stephen nice. Thank you very much. Hey, everybody please, have a seat cheers and applause youre too kind sit down thank you, everybody thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your shows Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause folks, before we start the show tonight, id like to go on the record i do not want the earth to blow up. laughter thats where my house is. Going to have a vacation there in a couple of weeks. But things are getting tense between donald trump and kim jongun. We didnt start it. North korea has been testing these missiles and saying theyre making them specifically to attack the united states. So, obviously, a Firm Response is necessary, but maybe not fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen. laughter cheers and applause okay . piano riff i get it i totally get it. I understand wanting to say that, but this is like a hostage negotiation, and you dont start with, go ahead, kill everybody. Ill killem way deader. Then who wins . laughter okay, body count. A lot of people have questioned trumps threatening language, but there is one world leader who thought trump didnt go far enough donald trump. laughter this afternoon, he addressed a nervous world from the steps of the jersey white house. Well, i dont think they mean that, and i think its the first time theyve heard it like they heard it, and, frankly, the people that were questioning that statement, was it too tough, maybe it wasnt tough enough. If anything, maybe that statement wasnt tough enough. If anything, that statement may not be tough enough. Stephen what is tougher than fire and fury . laughter lava and rage . A papercut and a lemon . Rizzoli and isles . Crate and barrel . Key and peele . What . And im not the only one wondering what would be tougher than fire and fury . Youll see, youll see. Stephen well see . I know well see, but it might be the last thing we see. But the president wasnt done. If north korea does anything in terms of thinking about an attack on anybody we love or we represent, or our allies, or us, they can be very, very nervous. Ill tell you why, and they should be very nervous, because things will happen to them like they never thought possible. Okay . North korea better get their act together or they are going to be in trouble like few nations ever have been in trouble in this world. Okay . Stephen oh, my god. laughter i think he just threatened to be their president. laughter cheers and applause piano riff thats not right. Thats not right at all. Thats not right. And trump knows only one global superpower could fix this problem china. China can do a lot more, yes. And i think china will do a lot more. Look, we have trade with china. We lose hundreds of billions of dollars a year on trade with china. They know how i feel. Its not going to continue like that. But if china helps us, ill feel a lot differently toward trade. A lot differently toward trade. Stephen okay, i think what hes saying is trump wants to start a trade war to stop a nuclear war. Then, hell start a thumb war to end the trade war, and then to stop that, hell launch a cupcake war, then a storage war, and finally a war for the planet of the apes. laughter its very good. Not a conventional thriller. applause of course, north korea isnt helping. Today, they said theyre drawing up plans to launch four intermediaterange Ballistic Missiles into waters near guam. Near tbawm but not on guam, okay. Which is the geopolitical equivalent of your brother saying, im not touching you. You cant tell mom, cause im not touching you. Im not touching your face. Why are you crying . Im not touching you. piano riff based on a true story. laughter sorry, lou. Seems like, right now, the only ones who arent scared by this aggression against guam, is guam. Just listen to the governor. There is fear from some parts, but there is also general calm, understanding that this is not the first time. From the standpoint of the people of guam, were almost used to this. Stephen yeah, theyre almost used to threats of nuclear annihilation, which explains the motto on their flag guam you dont have the guts. laughter piano riff speaking of which, the president addressed that threat this afternoon. Lets see what he does with guam. Stephen no, lets not see what he does with guam lets not how about not . You cant just offer a u. S. Territory for target practice its full of people. Just because they cant vote for president doesnt mean theyre not human. cheers and applause piano riff wow. There are a lot, a lot of human being fans here tonight. laughter cheering then the president laid out his Nuclear Nonproliferation plan. Nuclear, to me, number one. I would like to denuke the world. laughter stephen i want to make sure i heard that right. Denuke . Denuke . Ive never heard that word. Its different from nuke, right . Its not like flammable and inflammable . There are children sleeping in that building. I say we make it inflammable. laughter but weve been so distracted by trumps showdown with kim jongun this week that we missed some other big stories. Like trumps showdown with Senate Majority leader and man being told they stopped serving breakfast at 11 00 a. M, Mitch Mcconnell. laughter applause piano riff theres a nice guy. Somebodys grandfather, im sure. You might recall that the senate did not repeal and replace obamacare, and donald trump was cheers and applause mmhmm. And because they did not do that, because they did not do that, donald trump was not happy. This week, senator mcconnell fired back with a lukewarm, highlymeasured response. Our new president , of course, has not been in this line of work before, and i think he had excessive expectations about how quickly things happen in the democratic process. Stephen great point, guy who voted for him. laughter now, this he doesnt know what hes doing. Now, this is a pretty mild criticism, and im sure donald trump would just let it go. And heres the tweet. Senator Mitch Mcconnell said i had excessive expectations, but i dont think so. After seven years of hearing repeal and replace, why not done . Yes, why not done . laughter trump have point. laughter cheers and applause piano riff why bill no pass . laughter trump sad and trump not stop. Trump tweet, can you believe that Mitch Mcconnell, who has screamed repeal and replace for seven years, couldnt get it done. Must repeal and replace obamacare and mitch, get back to work and put repeal and replace, tax reform and cuts, and a great infrastructure bill on my desk for signing. You can do it laughter you can to it . Wait a second. So now trumps his cheerleader, after days of calling him a loser. Its all captured in trumps line of motivational posters, like, you suck, eagle. I believe in you laughter cheers and applause piano riff i want that. I want that. Jay yeah. Stephen i think weve all said that to ourselves a few times. And the president kept the mcconnell feud going this afternoon. All i hear is repeal and replace, and then i get there and i say, where is the bill . I want to sign it, first day. And they dont have it. And they pass repeal and replace, but never had a president or a senate that was going to do it. So i say very simply, where is repeal and replace . Stephen i dunno, maybe check behind that wall you didnt build. laughter cheers and applause just might be. Jon he didnt build no wall he didnt build no wall stephen he wasnt done. The president trumped on. Should senator mcconnell consider stepping down as majority leader . Well, ill tell you what, if he doesnt get repeal and replace done, and if he doesnt get taxes done, meaning cuts and reform done, and if he doesnt get a very easy one to get done, infrastructure if he doesnt get them done, then you can ask me that question. Stephen thats a long list. You know, im starting to think Mitch Mcconnell isnt a very good president. laughter applause of course, donald trump loves this country. And he proved it last night by tweeting this stirring video celebrating the best part of america himself. And im proud to be an american where at least i know im free and i wont forget the men who died who gave that right to me and i gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today stephen i found it truly inspiring. That they were able to find that many photos of trump without any russians in them. laughter piano riff but i do have one problem with trumps allamerican salute to himself it was too subtle. So we put together a video that makes it clear how much trump loves americas president. Because im a bad ass president and ive got a really hot wife hes me sitting in a big truck and driving afternoon even big truck heres a shot of me with all my friends can you believe how many ive had ill build the wall god bless the president cheers and applause stephen god bless him every one. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Millie bobby brown is here. But when we come back, i have the latest proclamations from a big furry hat well be right back. Introducing the new moto z with moto mods. Hello moto. 321 liftoff gasps oh cheering buy the new moto z with shattershield, and youll get a free projector mod. Hello moto. Ltry align probiotic. N your digestive system . For a nonstop, sweet treat goodness, hold on to your tiara kind of day. Get 24 7 digestive support, with align. The 1 doctor recommended probiotic brand. Also in kids chewables. Latches onto youry finger so hard, its like shes saying i love you. Thats why aveenos oat formula is designed for your babys sensitive skin. Aveeno®. Naturally beautiful babies. You can do endless move 201online researchnt, about the escalade. Or, you can come in and have it all for less than you might imagine. Dont wait. Our 2017 models will be moving fast. You can drive a car. Or you can drive a cadillac. Come in now before the end of our made to move 2017 clearance event and leave with the perfect Cadillac Escalade for you. Purchase with 0 percent apr for 72 months. [b[cup hits floor]r] [tray clatters on table] [improvised musical sounds] [improvised musical sounds] [bell rings] welcome to our school cheers and applause band playing stephen give it up for the band, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause thank you, sir jon, good to see you. Now, john, im still incredibly excited about our guest on monday. You guys know who we have monday, we have Anthony Scaramucci monday on the show. audience booing stephen thats right, theyre either saying the mooch or really mispronouncing bruce. Im excited that hes going to bring me a president. He tweeted this, Anthony Scaramucci, talking about money, i am bringing Stephen Colbert a professionally monogrammed frontstabbing knife. Jon hey piano riff laughter stephen good luck getting that through security, my friend. I do have a lot of security because im a very important person. Jon yeah stephen i spent a lot of years working for a network called important central. Jon thats right. Stephen as a late night host, i peeled tremendous power, jon. Jon yes. Stephen as much as historys most ruthless tyrants, genghis khan, kim jong un and Camilla Parker bowles. laughter we all have two things in common, none of us will ever be queen of eng whrand, and we all have a big furry hat cheers and applause drum cadence cheers and applause now that this hat is upon my head, all proclamations i make are now and forever law. Let us begin. drum beat laughter henceforth, restaurant bathrooms must remove all mirrors. I dont want to know what i look like after eating a blooming onion. laughter stephen from this moment, no world leader is allowed to use the phrase fire and fury unless theyre also in a heavy metal band. cheering from now on, fatfree Peanut Butter must be called what it actually is a brown waste of time. laughter applause heed my edict theaters can only show a maximum of five trailers before the movie starts, and only three of them can have spiderman. laughter cheers and applause from now on, any guy who manspreads or mansplains may be womanslaughtered. cheers and applause as of now, if someone borrows your phone charger, apple must automatically send you a new one because youre never getting that thing back. laughter applause anyone who says totes amazeballs will be brutes executed. applause hereinafter to make game of thrones seem slightly more realistic, there must be at least one shot of the dragons pooping. laughter stephen your vacation is now like fight club. Remember the first rule of fight club do not talk to me about your vacation. applause from this day forward, if Donald TrumpsApproval Rating drops below the Rotten Tomatoes score of the 1996 movie kazaam, then Shaquille Oneal becomes president. cheers and applause the hat has spoken cheers and applause well be right back with Millie Bobby Brown. cheers and applause band playing we dont just want to watch games cable gives us. We want all the teams, no matter where we live with directv nfl sunday ticket. We want falcons in new york. Jets in la. Bears in new orleans. Or buccaneers in a quaint, little new england bed and breakfast. Can you please pass the marmalade, charlie . I sure can, crazy pirate. Switch to directv and get every game, every sunday with nfl sunday ticket. Call 1800directv. The ford summer sales event is in full swing. Ill jump out and guide you back. Easy, son. This is gonna blow your mind. Whoa. Awesome. That is really cool. Take on summer right with ford, americas bestselling brand. Now with summers hottest offer on ford f150. Get zero percent for sixty months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein. Thats the built ford tough f150 with zero percent for sixty months plus an additional thousand on top of your tradein offer ends soon during the ford summer sales event. I am totally blind. And i live with non24, a circadian rhythm disorder that can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the people, places, and things i love. The people i love have always been there for me. And now, im there for them, too. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424 to learn more. [ gasps, laughs ] you ever feel like. Cliche foil characters scheming against a top insurer for no reason . Nah. So, why dont we like flo . She has the name your price tool, and we want it. But why . Why dont we actually do any work . Why do you only own one suit . Its just the way it is, underdeveloped office character. Youre right. Thanks, bill. No, youre bill. Im tom. You know what . No one cares. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody welcome back to the late show already in progress. My first guest recently became one of the youngest emmy award nominees ever for her role as eleven on Stranger Things. Youre in trouble, arent you . Who are you in trouble with . Bad. People . They want to hurt you . The bad people . I understand. Stephen please welcome Millie Bobby Brown cheers and applause band playing stephen hi. Hi is that nice to see you again. Nice to see you, too. Stephen you were on maybe a year ago or Something Like that, last summer, maybe, when this thing was just exploding. Now, congratulations, youre the big 13. Youre officially a teenager. cheers and applause last season, your character was named eleven. Is it named 13 . laughter well, im afraid thats all we have time for. Thank you so much. laughter how to you like being 13 . Noits good. Stephen what . What do you mean its not . Are you already a troubled teen . You just got here its not really good. Stephen whats wrong with being 13 . Well, you have to take your shoes off at the airport. Stephen oh, more is expected of you now. Thats got to be the worst part of it. Stephen when i was your age, we went by rail. What did you do . Stephen just rail and stagecoach when i was a child, everywhere i went. So when you were 12 a month ago, you didnt have to take your shoes off . No. Stephen at 13 youre threatening . Now theyre like, take your shoes off im, like, yes, sir. Its actually quite scary. Now i have to take my shoes off. My party was probably the best part of turning 13 because everybody thought it was a 3yearolds party because i had a carnival, obstacle courses, bouncy houses, and cotton floss candy floss cotton candy. laughter i had popcorn and a bucking bronco. Stephen you had a horse . A bucking horse . A bull . Stephen a mechanical bull . Its called back bronco. Stephen in london, they call it bucking bronco . I am the queen of bucking bronco. Stephen could you ride it . Yeah, its pretty good. Stephen its tough on the thighs, though. laughter ive ridden one of those things. Its so interesting. Its like a workout, you know. Stephen i try not to do those. I would love to see that. Much easier when youre 13. Yeah, it was really fun. Stephen do you have brothers and sisters . I do. Stephen where do you fall in the family . Im the third. Stephen of im in the middle of four. Stephen are they all in show business . No, just me. Theyre all, like, millie, really . You got another job . Oh they dont even know im here tonight. Stephen where do they think you are, Millie Bobby Brown . They know im in new york and they know im probably doing something, but, yeah, they wont watch this. They havent seen Stranger Things. Stephen they havent seen Stranger Things . They dont really care, which i love that. Stephen that is nice, i suppose. Its great. Because theres no eleven jokes in the house. Stephen no one says, do you care to be named 13 this time . laughter no, they dont. I love it. Stephen thats great for your family. Yeah. Stephen but youve seen the show, right . No, i havent. Stephen why . Because you werent old enough . Why . Because it