Where there is not an actual connection, where there is smoke, there is fire, and theres so much smoke. Okay, thats less dumb, but it not what a frog would say. Next. Action. As a teenager i would go up to people at rocks and hammers and baseball bats and hammers and, of course, many people know the story when i was 14 and i had tried to stab someone. How did you get in here . Security action. The American Dream is dead. Okay, remember, kermit is a beloved character. Can you Say Something that everyone will love . We need a new president fast. Perfect, youre hired. cheers and applause announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, we welcome john oliver. Mike birbiglia, and michael showalter. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hi, how are you . Whats going on, chris, please have a seat, please have a seat, everybody. Welcome. cheers and applause hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Let me ask you something here. Let me ask you a personal question. Everybody feeling good . cheers and applause well, clearly, clearly you do not work in the white house. laughter because it is wednesday, and you know what they call that at the white house, we are so humped day. laughter let me explain to you why. Let me remind you, recap the last couple of days. You know the whole Trump Campaign colluded with russia to influence our election and the didnt happen, dont know what youre talking about. laughter well, turns out it did, and they do, because yesterday donald trump, jr. Released emails explicitly detailing an invitation by the russian government to collude, and his enthusiastic acceptance, i love it oh, oh, don, not as much as i do. laughter cheers and applause delicious. Yeah, yeah. Now listen, just to give you, okay, so that was yesterday, that was yesterday, we have had a full news cycle. To give you a sense of the fallout, let me present you with a bouquet of early blooming headlines. The white house is paralyzed. And im pretty sure trumpcare does not cover that. laughter lets see another one, ready . Here we go. piano riff heres another headline. The white house is facing a category 5 hurricane. And remember, republican president s have a spotty track record when it comes to dealing with hurricanes. audience reacts but, obviously, obviously, thats not fair. Those were the Washington Post and cnn. How about hearing from someone on their side, try the New York Post. Donald trump, jr. Is an idiot, yes. Yes. applause yes, keep in mind, keep this in mind, and i mean this, they are defending him. Because the alternative to idiot is inmate, and its hard to argue that point. Donald trump, jr. Is quickly rising to the ranks of americas most embarrassing Donald Trumps. laughter things are so bad, things are so bad, check out this tweet of staffers and white house visitors placing their hands on President Trump and praying for him today. laughter okay, either that, either that or they are playing hands on a soft body. laughter whoever keeps their hand the longest gets to fire robert mueller. laughter so with his agenda in tatters, with his white house paralyzed, in turmoil, with his family in disgrace, the president did the right thing, and headed to france tonight. France, and its understandable, thats his safe space. Trump is like jerry lewis over there, in that he seems like an idiot, because this proof of the Trump Campaigns collusion may have cost the president something he loves even more than his son. It will cost him his favorite catchphrase, because last night one white house advisor admitted the russia story will get worse and worse and you cant just really say any more fake news. cheers and applause yeah. You cant. You just cant say it any more. Cant say it. I know how donald trump is going to feel about that. Sad. laughter so tonight we bid a fond farewell. We are fighting the fake news. Its fake, phony, fake. You notice now theyre using, everybody is using the word fake news. Where did you hear it first, folks . Its all fake news, its phony stuff, it didnt happen. Fake news, cnn. Fake. Whoops, the camera just went off. cheers and applause stephen so cheers and applause im crying fake tears. laughter so, pretty much everybody agrees, trump, jr. Was dumb to tweet this stuff. And the smart thing to do would be just to shut up. So last night he went on fox news laughter and explained why he is not responsible for any of this. Someone sent me an email. I cant help what someone sends me. Stephen yes, he cant help. He has to do whatever it says in an email. That is why his apartment is full of nigerian princes and boner pills. laughter you are going to want to keep them apart. applause you are going to want to keep those two, keep those two apart. Plus this was way last summer. It was a totally different time. This is pre, like, russia fever, prerussia mania, this is 13 months ago before the rest of the world was talking about that. Stephen yeah, he colluded with the russians before people were talking about russian collusion. laughter okay . Thats like saying, yeah, i fired a gun at that guy but that was before everybody was talking about this whole murder trial, all right . How did i know . cheers and applause what am i supposed to besides, i mean, the meeting was a dud. It was literally just a wasted 20 minutes which was a shame. Stephen yeah, it was all on his yelp review, one star, did not deliver treason to table, would not collude again. piano riff and applause its going to be harsh for her business. Shes going to have trouble shaking that one off. Ive got some news for you, don. Just because you didnt get your secret russian intel doesnt mean youre the good guy here. You never heard the pervs on to catch a predator say, wait, what is with the cops, i brought wine coolers, what a wasted 20 minutes. laughter cheers and applause wait, what, why, where am i going, whats happening . But don, jr. Did learn an important lesson from all this. In retrospect, i probably would have done things a little differently. I know more now, but hindsight is always 20 20. Stephen hes right, hindsight is 20 20. And i think a lot of voters will be using hindsight in 2020. cheers and applause and meanwhile piano riff and meanwhile, of course, of course the white house is defending don, jr. One official said, he just wants to hunt, fish and run his familys real estate business. Yes, why did we force him to get into politics . You know he would rather be in a forest pursuing his first love, brawny man cosplay. laughter another, another laughter another anonymous source said, the kid is an honest kid. Okay, pump the brakes a little bit here. This kid is a 39yearold man. laughter and i got to say, its never a good sign when the person sticking up for you wants to remain anonymous. laughter don, jr. Is a good person, wait, youre not going to use my name, right . Even bill oreilly rose from the nonspin crypt laughter tweeting it was tabloid guy set him up with a russia lawyer who promised hillary dirt, she didnt deliver. Leave it to bill oreilly to find a way to blame the only woman in this story. The president cheers and applause yeah, yeah. Clearly shes a collude tease. laughter now, the president has been noticeably quiet through all of this, in part because his schedule is unusually light. And hes been watching tv and venting about the investigation. Light . Trump has spent half his presidency golfing. How much lighter can his schedule get . Sir, you have to get up, its time to go to bed. laughter but, but, the president denies there is any trouble. Tweeting this morning, the white house is functioning perfectly. Focused on health care, tax cuts slash reforms and many other things. I have very little time for watching tv. I got to say, its not exactly comforting when the person in charge starts randomly assuring you that everythings just fine. This is your captain speaking, the plane is functioning perfectly. We are focused on flying, landing, and many other things. I have very little time for watching tv. Meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile, President Trump himself is going through a news scandal. I had to change my emotional state there. Is going through a news scandal of his own. Yesterday there were some shocking revelations from former Celebrity Apprentice and spare tilda swinton, clay aiken. laughter according, according to clay aiken, trump didnt make the decisions to fire people on Celebrity Apprentice, the shows producers from nbc made those calls giving trump instructions through a teleprompter on his desk that looked like a phone. Donald trump didnt even call the shots on his own tv show. Hes not the, youre fired, guy. That is the second catch phrase he lost in one day. laughter the implications, obviously cheers and applause jon youre fired stephen i know i know, the implications here are enormous. Maybe, maybe he wasnt the one who decided to fire gary busey after his mechanical dog idea. Maybe it wasnt Donald Trumps idea to have Latoya Jackson and lil jon work in a pizza parlor for charity. Oh my god, oh my god. Donald trump may not be qualified to be president. laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. John oliver is here. Stick around. When i was too busy with the kids to get a repair estimate. I just snapped a photo and got an estimate in 24 hours. My Insurance Company definitely doesnt have that. You can leave worry behind when liberty stands with you™ Liberty Mutual insurance. Are you one sneeze away from being voted out of the carpool . Try zyrtec® its starts working hard at hour one and works twice as hard when you take it again the next day. Stick with zyrtec® and muddle no more®. And were gonna get the phone his phone,ry sorry. Uh out of you. The important thing is that were going to make you better. voiceactivated doubletone okay. Heres how to make butter. Pour two thirds a cup of cold heavy cream into a one cup canning. Snickers® satisifes. With at t you can get your entertainment right here. Right now, when you get the incredible iphone 7 from at t you can get unlimited data and live tv. The channels you love. Your favorite shows and movies. Making your iphone into more of a. Oh my tv is ringing. Hey. Im in the middle of a. A second iphone from at t . Okay right now when you buy a new iphone 7 from at t youll get a second iphone 7 on us. And power both with unlimited data and live tv. Get on up, mama. Get on up. Do what you want. Do you want, let the record hop. Degree motionsense. Ultimate freshness. With every move. The more you move, the more it works. Degree, it wont let you down. Woman so this happened. Zoe brought over some limearitas to avas rooftop and thats when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. Thats elyse busting out her dance move from summer of 08. Looks like were staying here tonight. Limearita. Make it a margarita moment. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin stephen thats right, thats right. Jon, listen man, im super excited, i want to remind everybody watching out there that next week is our russia show, all week long pieces we shot in russia. Here is the thing, i dont know if i told this to you but i was talking to chris about this about when we were talking about when we are going to have our russia week, we have so much material, we shot so much over there, five pieces we shot over there. And we want to have them pretty of all done before they we announce the week. I said if we wait until the 17 of july is anybody going to still be talking about russia. I was actually afraid, really, are people going to care by the 17 of july. And you said probably. So i was wrong. I was wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, im terribly excited because my first guest tonight is the emmy and peabodywinning host of last week tonight, please welcome our friend mr. John oliver. cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen at ease, at ease. Please, as you were. Good evening. cheers and applause good evening to all. Stephen nice seeing you. Yes, and you. Stephen now, i want to thank you for being here because i understand you are here thats little really too many ows laughs stephen well edit some out. No, that is a problem, i acknowledge cheers and applause by drawing attention to it is like giving a child a tambourine, you cannot be trusted with the knowledge of the power you have. With the ow. Stephen well, you are on hiatus right now. Yes. Stephen between seasons right now. Between seasons . Stephen dont you have seasons . Have i been canceled, what . Stephen between seasons. Just between weeks. Were working, but were stephenyou have a show this sunday . No, were working without doing a show. It is the dream. laughter so, were in the office and working, researching but we dont have to do anything at the end of it. So everything is perfect. Stephen wow, and you can get paid for that . cause i actually have to come out here and talk every night. I think thats the mistake. I think, it is the ultimate bank heist, isnt it, not having to actually produce anything at the end of it. Stephen those dragons are paying for everything over there. As long as the dragons are flying, everything is okay at hbo. Have they got defibrillators for those dragons, it is a dragon based economy. Stephen i imagine you took these two weeks off because this is the part of the summer where you go nothing, nothings going to happen. Its always quiet, right . laughter stephen its safe. It is safe. You would have to have an offspring who is so stupid, that is the only cheers and applause and what is the chance of that . Nothing. Nothing. We had we called this whole looming scandal way back in march, we came up with this framing device for stupid watergate, the idea that something with all of the gravitas for watergate but where everybody involved is stupid and bad at everything. It was supposed to be a self contained joke but Current Events are making it more and more relevant which is not normally how jokes work. Stephen right, right, right. Let me ask you something. When trump, jr. Tweeted his emails yesterday. Yeah, he did do that. Stephen without a gun to his head, i might add. Thats right. Stephen the first one said, first one, said this is part of russia, and its Government Support for donald trump. Yeah. Stephen what was your Immediate Reaction . Well, you know, it is probably, wow. And then it is probably followed by the idea, well, this is something, as long as we live in a world where something means anything. And im not sure we do any more. Stephen i know what you mean, yeah. It seems serious, but do we live in a world devoid of consequences now . I forget where we are in human history. Stephen right. That is the kind of mind blowing part, this seems like a seismic event, but it might be nothing. Stephen right, it might be, i was talking with my executive producer, tom purcell, earlier today and we were saying that, you know, i am used to a world where were divided on things like abortion, or taxes, or government control of health care. Polarizing issues, yeah. Stephen polarizing issues. Have we come to a nation where colluding with a hostile foreign power to manipulate our election is a leftright thing . I dont know. Stephen is that it . Is that where we are . But the very fact you just said that sentence out loud showed that we are turbo bleep . laughter piano riff just the fact that you can say that thats what i found amazing was his confidence in saying this is nothing. And i dont know what is he referring to there, the contents of the emails, the contents of his head. If it is the second one, i agree, if it is the first, i fiercely disagree. But i cant even fathom how his lawyer must have felt, i tweeted it out, it is nothing. Oh, but thats a lot. laughter stephen the most nothing ive ever seen it is a massive amount of nothing. And if you dont understand that, its even bigger. I cant i think i dont want to be your lawyer any more. laughter this isnt fun for me stephen i think his lawyer, you know what his lawyer needs . A lawyer. Do you think they just dont understand . Because it seems selfevident. It seems selfevident, people like trey gowdy or the New York Post saying this is, yeah, this is not good. laughter but again, the fact were at a point where we are going, do you think they understand . Is it possible theres not a logical sequence of thoughts in their minds that have made them understand the gravity of the situation theyre in. The fact that we are wondering that, and you wonder it not just with this issue but with a lot. Are they just too dumb to realize whats happening . And the answer is not definitely no. laughter stephen you dont know. You dont know stephen that is the most chilling thing about this, you actually dont know. That is what is making this a roller coaster time in american history. Stephen yeah. Well, speaking of american history, russia, because yeah, yes, welcome home. Stephen exactly. Well done. Stephen you heard me saying earlier when i was introducing you here, that we delayed putting our russia stuff out because there was so much stuff to go through, and some of it literally had to be translated. And so i was worried it wouldnt be relevant three weeks on. You went to russia. You interviewed Edward Snowden when you were there. A couple of years ago. Stephen how long were you there. I was there for the least amount of time we could possibly be there, because the russians were angry we were there. And the americans were angry that we had gone. And it was just it was the most terrifying around 36 hours ive spent. Stephen did you go to moscow, st. Petersburg, where just moscow. So we landed, and its just a group of terrifyinglooking people in your hotel. At the best of times, Large Russian men have arresting face of international hitman. At the best of times. Stephen absolutely. I called them like extras from john wick, that is what it feels like in the lobby of our hotel. Literally it will be in the lobby. You checking in, i think this man could break me with his eyes. laughter stephen right. Snap me in twain. Stephen and there is one outside your hall. You are being followed all the time. Stephen followed by the f. S. B. , the new k. G. B. Is the f. S. B. All the time you think im just being paran