dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm oh, heres one. Did i ever tell you about the time that my brothers videotaped the lottery announcement and bought the winning numbers the next day, and then, played the tape for me the next week and you thought you guys were millionaires. You heard that one. Yes, but thereswait. Oh theres a funny ending to that story. I cant remember. That i thought we were millionaires. That you thought you were millionaires. Yep. Thats funny. Shoot, i knew that one thats all right. The senator and i still have mystery. Im always waiting to see what hes gonna surprise me with next. [spits] [coughs] you all right . You support the taliban abroad, so i assume youre willing to live by their rules here. Anything else would be inconsistent. Will you join me then in a pledge to live by taliban law in this office . Absolutely, i will. I feared nelly had some sort of a plan, but she used a ridiculous font. [snorts] [in cockney accent] you dont have a plan when you use a ridiculous font, no one thinks you have a plan. Looking for this . What the oh, this is a lovely pen, [exhales] and its mine now, because i stole it. Gimme that. Didnt you sign a contract to live under taliban law . And now, theres been a theft. That means youre not serious, or someones getting their hand cut off. Youre insane. I know, so its better that you pick another charity. Oh, and let your precious operation power grab proceed unchecked . No, thank you. In that case, you. Will have to chop off my hand. This cleaver appears to need sharpening. I suggest you spend some quality time together, just you and your hand, tie a shoe, toss a salad. Do any of the twohand activities that youll miss the most. I tell you what. I need to make three calls. And then after that, you can become a person who chops off peoples hands. Sounds like a plan. Clark wants to film you in different outfits inside his apartment . Yeah. Clark, you and i need to have a little chat. What clothes does erin need for this news audition . Uh, a couple of buttondowns, a camisole, a blazer, a pencil skirt, stilettos, maybe a no, no, not maybe, definitely opentoed. Uh, something lowcut, because the camera makes everything seem highercut. Really . Yeah, industry secret. Youre gonna want some of those pantyhose with the seam up the back. Seems unnecessary for an audition. And then, you know, maybe just a robe to wear in between takes, but i probably got one that she could borrow at my place, so thank god someone here knows what theyre talkin about. [chuckles] i want you to take this credit card. Take erin to the mall, and get that stuff. I absolutely will do that. Awesome. Plop. [blows lips] guess ill just head over to the mall then, buy erin some sexy, fun outfits. That clark, huh . [growls] [mimics explosion] next question for our oldyweds. What is the craziest place you ever made whoopee . Language. Who was pams first celebrity crush . Oh, thiis good, okay. Pams first celebrity crush. [whispering] john stamos. Ready . Uhhuh. John stamos. Oh, yes john stamos was temporary. I quickly moved on to Johnny Johnny depp. Uh, um, i was having a separate conversation with kevin . Uh, johnny depp. Totally. George clooney. [phone rings] mmhmm. Okay, ill have one. I have one. [overlapping chatter] where is the craziest place you ever made whoopee . Kevin, stop it with that question. Right . And did you show them the marketyeah. And whatd they say . Thats awesome. [chuckles] thataw, my god. Wow. Its not even real yet, and im not gonna tell her until its real. I think maybe theyre actually is something i dont know about jim. Could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Yep, Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know the ancient pyramids were actually a mistake . Uhoh. Geico. Fifteen minutes could save you. Well, you know. Fifteen minutes could save you. Well, you know. Erin has an audition to be a newscaster. All wow woo uhhuh. Congratulations and i want her to feel very comfortable in her very sexy skin, so everybody Say Something that you like about her body, all right . Darryl. Okay. Um, i like erins hair. Its a very pretty color. Yeah, right . Im sorry. This is for a news audition . Yeah. Then why are we talking about her looks . Why not her credibility or her reliability . News flash, everyone the human race finds attractive people more trustworthy. So sorry, andy, but for 20 years, the most trusted man in America Walter cronkite. Cronkite was hot. If i could go back in time, id take that moustache ride. Does erin have any experience . Has she taken any journalism classes, maybe . Has she done the pageant circuit . No, i watch the news shes gonna be amazing. Look at her. Shes gonna light up the screen. This is a first for me, and i dont get a lot of chances, so i have to take them really seriously. I will do whatever it takes to get the job. Whatever it takes. Yeah, i know, i heard. This is it. Any questions . Is it gonna be numb . No, its gonna be over before you know it. Mmhmm. Afghan President Hamid karzai declared a new policy of dollar days throughout the country, promising low, low prices on all 2012 kia sentras and sonatas. Arent you glad you waited . Karzai commented. Um, where did you get that story . A little bit here, a little bit there. I bet you didnt think i knew current events. I love it. Its fantastic. Now, tag it with your name. For channel 11 news, im erin hannon. Pause after news. For channel 11 news, im erin hannon. No, pause longer. That was a good one. Pausepausepause longer. Okay, build suspense. Dont be shy. Got it. [clears throat] for channel 11 news. What, its im erin hannon. Okay, all right. Great. Some great stuff in there. I can feel you looking at me. Okay, well heres something you dont know. A couple of weeks ago. Mmhmm. I ran into this guy from my high school who has just gotten divorced, and he hit on me in the mall. And i didnt tell you becausei dont know, i felt embarrassed, and i didnt know if youd be mad or worried, but anyway, i thought youd wanna know. That didnt happen. You wouldve told me right away. Yeah, i wouldve. [chuckles] what about you . Come on, theres gotta be something. Between your birth and the last two days, something you just havent had the chance to tell me. Uh. Just tell me. God, give it up, beesly. You know me too well. [grunting] [grunts] hey. Hmm. Um, i knew something bothered me, and i finally figured it out. What news producers are gonna wanna see is how erin relates to the other people on the news team. Oh. The weird thing is erin is doing the audition alone. Oh, god. Now, id say clark could be your cohost. Hes already doing camera. [scoffs] somebody whos already got rapport with erin, maybe. I dont know. [grunts] hey, this is for real this time. [grunts] its gettin late. Thought you guys could use a little inspiration. Oh, a movie. What is this . 127 hours. Its abouthis guy who no, no, no, no, no spoilers. Please. My bad, my bad no youre right, okay. Good night. Hey hey. Everybody. Yeah. Come in. All right. Come on in. [gasps] wow thanks. What are you doing here . [exhales] sorry, man. Andy thought erin need a coanchor. Im his makeup guy. My hands are tied. [sighs] the victim was released from the hospital with seconddegree burns. Oh, wow. You know what they say, erin . If you cant take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Well, he tried to, but the fire door was blocked. He sure did. [chuckles] all right. We got that. Thats a rap everybody. [sighs] its justyou sure, clark . Yep, shes done. No, i just i dont mean erin. I mean for me. I didnt feel good about that. Oh, no, we got it. We got it. Great lets get some food. Im starving. I dont think we did get it. I could do a couple more takes. We could do it in closeup. That might even be better for editing. Okay, i dont. All right. Im hungry. Uh, pete, you wanna take erin to get a burger or something . Yeah, whatever you say, boss. Okay. Ill call you later. Okay. Okay. Great job. [clears throat] so this is a single. Hey, even this doesnt work out for me, im just glad i had the guts to do it, and maybe itll work out for andy. And what do you do . Oh, i sell insurance like no one else. Oh, thats nice. Thank you. Now, thats progressive. Call or click today. So hurry in and try three succulent entrees. Like our new snow crab and crab butter shrimp, just 14. 99. Only at red lobster where we sea food differently. [ male announcer ] now try 7 lunch choices at 7. 99. Sdwiches, salads, and more. [ man ] adventure, it means taking chances. It means trying something new. [ woman ] just, that uncertainty of whats to come. [ man ] just kidding. Can you please stop doing that . [ woman ] you walk outside in brooklyn, and its cement and broken glass. And this is just like. The opposite of that. The opposite of that. Oh, that is absolutely revolting yeah. He is so good, though. Yes. The way he just cut off his arm. If you like james franco, we really should watch rise of the planet of the apes. Well, hes a genius, you know . He was in graduate programs at yale, columbia and nyu all at the same time. Whoopdedoo. That doesnt make you a genius. Well, it doesnt make you stupid. Oh, yeah, it does. Actually, it makes you real stupid. Oh, stupid like you. No, like you. Like you. Youre the stupid one. Both youre the stupid one. You, you, you, you, you youre the stupid one. Smile on your brother everybody get together try to love one another come on, people, now [ female announcer ] breyers. The taste youve loved for over 140 years. Right now michael we are going to beloved f standing herears. Every monday for the next seven mondays. This summer, corporate is sponsoring a little weight loss contest. You lost 31 pounds. Hey fax this for me. Come on, man. She goes to new york in, like, ten minutes. pam tomorrow i start a threemonth Design Program at the Pratt Institute in new york. Why havent i proposed yet . We just decided that, um, we didnt want to spend the first three months of our engagement apart. Uh. That was the last time, dwight. I mean it. Monkey. No, no, i have a fiance i very much like. Hey, could i have a rain check on the mini golf . I, uh. Actually have a date tonight. [cheerful music] holly its kind of a good news, bad news situation. The bad news is were not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is that all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are. So corporate upped the prize to five days. So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off. [door opens] hows my favorite branch doing . All right. Michael Ronnie was blecch. Things were at an alltime sad here. But then i got an email from ryan that he was coming back to town. And i called the temp agency, and i told them, i will pay you any amount. Just give me ryan howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him. And you got a goatee. I did. Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine . Yes. Goooatee fireed guy [chuckling] hey, kevin. Thats really funny. Yeah. Its great to see you, kev. You too. ryan im keeping a list of everyone who wrongs me, so when im back on top, theyll be sorry. Kevin just made the list. Jim. I wanted to apologize for how i treated you last year. I lost sight of myself. And now that ive quit the rat race, i realized theres so much more to life than being the youngest vp in the companys history. Ive even started, um, volunteering. Giving back to the community. Thats great. Youre talking about your courtordered Community Service . I dont need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. But he did, right . All right. All right. Well, you lost zero pounds. [all groan] no change. On the brighter side, you gained zero pounds. Hey, you know what . I cant do this by myself, people. Kelly and i are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. Damn it, i need these five days for my honeymoon who is slacking . Okay, lets just all try and work harder, okay . No, i want names this is the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my entire life. I havent had a very hard life. So how was your date . 8. 5. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But hes cute, right . [moans] whats wrong . Nnmm um. Close the door. This is your fault. No. Your stupid friend zone. Hmm. I shouldve been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice you know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty. Whyou sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man. Attention attention we only have a few weeks left, and most of you are just as fat as the day we began. This is what im gonna do. Im gonna randomly select three names, and these three people will get liposuction. Uh. Stanley, phyllis, kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills. Kelly. Oh, hello, ryan. You look well. I wanted to say im sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years. Ii was in my midtwenties, and. I was going through a lot of stuff. I think i never really processed 9 11. Um, i want you to know ive changed. Cool. We should get a drink later, catch up. Pick me up around 8 00 . Oh, that is so sweet, um, but im dating darryl still, and were, like, crazy in love, so. Iicool. Um. Well, maybe ill see you around. Its a small office. Yeah. Hey, phyllis, do you have a minute . Listen. Im really sorry about what i said before, okay . I was way out of line. Yes, you were. But you know what . I want to make it up to you. There is a surefire sale, but its a twoman job. Interested . Split the commission . [breathes deeply] 60 40, hmm . Ill drive. michael hey, jim, over here sit here. jim probably the weirdest thing about pam being gone will be lunch, actually. But, um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people i consider. Coworkers. Oh, my god. Uh, okay. Everybody just act normal. Dont say anything. What . My exgirlfriend, shes right behind you. Really . Where . Just hide me. No, no, dont look hmm. Wow, was it the age difference . Uh, actually, kind of, yes. I just didnt like eating dinner that early, so. [cell phone rings] [chuckling] hey, jim. Um, listen, can i call you back in a little bit . I made friends. [doorpens] are you insane . Hey, hey. God, what happened . There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone. And you burned over 1,000 calories walking home, and this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis vance, ladies and gentlemen you left me in a bad part of town. Yeah, i took your purse. What are you worried about . dwight you look great. I can definitely see the difference. Phyllis vance for david wallace. He wasnt getting the necessary nutrients, so my pediatrician recommended pediasure. [ male announcer ] pediasure is a source of complete, balanced nutrition to help support healthy growth and development. Pediasure. The 1 pediatrician recommended brand. That people are finally getting together. I think its wonderful now that people are finally getting together. I think its so groovy now that people are finally getting together. I think its wonderful now that people are finally getting together. dootrick or treat mmm thank you mmm mmm holly dunder mifflin wants to make it clear that dunder mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weightloss strategies as was clearly stated in the official michael, deep voice oh, bang boom shake clargh why, hello, everybody what are you doing . Fair question. I say, i say, i say sit down, holly [normal voice] ill take it from here. [deep voice] i am beautiful. They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful. Its my sumo suit. I just didnt inflate it all the way. Im so glad that i bought instead of rented. Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society. See, youre always saying theres something wrong with society, but maybe theres something wrong with you. If its me, then society made me that way. Now i know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, why are you dressed in a plussize suit . Because youre kind of doing Michael Klump. How do you know Michael Klump . Because its your making fun of fat people character. How dare you Michael Klump is a celebration of fat people. I think of him as more like a monster. What about, i say, i say, i say, i sit on you . No, no, no. It goes, it goeslook. [deep voice] i say, i say, i say i sit on you no, no, no, no you know what . Fat people are not monsters. Why dont you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject . Bang, boom case in point. Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside, and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy man. Vamping. Hey, why dont you just sit down, please . Eh, ive been sitting all day. Were doing this because of you, so why dont you just go stand somewhere else. Hey, hey. Shaved. I did. Why . professor so in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air contioning system that was installed. Some on the highpowered lights. Others feel that fungus is due to [chuckling] pam nice. Quiet, please. Sorry. Sorry. Dwight, i would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her, is basically a death march. dwight she should thank me. Okay, phyllis, thank dwight first. Why should i have to thank him . Youre right, youre right. Just dwight, do it. Just say it, okay . [exhales] i apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise. Finally right . Okay, phyllis, you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why dont you have a seat . Lets all clap at phyllis. [applause] okay. Well, Michael Klump wants to remind you that corporate their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight. But more importantly, what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, kelly. [softly] kelly thats back, back kelly, i want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. Okay, i want you to look at her. Shes a beautiful indian woman. Why . What makes her beautiful . Everything. Shes perfect. meredith i like her nails. Okay, be more specific. I like her finger nails. I like her purple dress. What about her looks . Hell of an ass. What else do people like . I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs. Kelly, will you just agree to stop this madness and stop trying to kill yourself . I hate dieting. I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me i want you to know kelly, look at me. I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. Mmm. jim summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Klump. I have a weird pain in my left side that im convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in new york, and i havent seen her in ten days. Hows your summer . Could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. Yep, Everybody Knows that. Well, did you know the ancient pyramids were actually a mistake . Uhoh. Geico. 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