[ laughter ] House Speaker paul ryan said today that he sees President Trump less as a traditional president and more as a chairman. While trump sees ryan as more of an ottoman. [ light laughter ] White House PressSecretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that President Trump will be issuing his next executive order on immigration this week. Hell, yeah said Michaels Craft stores and anywhere else that sells poster board. [ cheers and applause ] its a boom time. Boom time for the poster board industry. President trump was interviewed on fox friends this morning. Heres basically how it went. Seth no, these questions are too hard [ laughter ] during his interview on fox friends, President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life hes actually earned. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] hes happy. He doesnt care. There are 20 days until spring, and those hibernating bears are in for quite a surprise. [ laughter ] [ grumbling ] [ applause ] according to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just wont bother to tell you. [ laughter ] not my problem. A pennsylvania man was arrested over the weekend for biting his wife after she ate his potato chips. And im guessing its going to be a while before he gets lays again. [ laughter and applause ] a 100yearold dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide. [ laughter ] a woman who received a ticket for eating an egg roll while driving is heading to trial to challenge the charge. Though the craziest part is how she got the ticket. [ laughter ] according to reports, for the first time in 146 years chicago has not had snow in the months of january and february. So either Climate Change is real or the cubs winning the world series really screwed up the universe. [ laughter and applause ] and finally, a taco truck stuck in a traffic jam in seattle yesterday opened up and served lunch to drivers stuck on the interstate. Because nothing gets the traffic moving like a taco. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight [ cheers and applause ] youre here at a good one. From fxs great new show, legion, our friend aubrey plaza is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] were always so thrilled to have aubrey here. From the new abc mini series that chronicles the history of lgbt rights, when we rise. Whoopi goldberg and Dustin Lance Black are here. And he is the host of cnns fascinating new show, believer, reza aslan is here tonight. So [ cheers and applause ] very exciting to talk to all of our guests this evening. Before we get to that, here at late night, every night i deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that, due to me being a straight white male, would be difficult for me to deliver. But we dont think that should stop you from enjoying them. So wed like to share them with you now in a segment called jokes seth cant tell. [ applause ] seth these are two of our writers, amber and jenny. Im black. And im gay and we are both women. Seth and im not. [ light laughter ] so heres how this works. Ill read the setups for these jokes and amber and jenny will read the punchlines. Here it goes. Footwear Company Birkenstock is coming out with a new line of beds. Said lesbians, i already get laid in birkenstocks. [ light laughter ] seth yeah. Yeah. Seth a recent essay in usa today argues that America Needs more blackowned banks. A black bank is just like a white bank, except it only has money in it on fridays. [ laughter ] seth a lesbian couple was recently asked to leave a mcdonalds after an employee told them they were being inappropriate. It turns out when you go to mcdonalds youre not allowed to eat tacos. Seth jenny [ laughter ] would you have preferred i said mcmuffins . [ light laughter ] seth weirdly, yeah. President trump is scheduled to meet soon with members of the congressional black caucus. So to the members of the congressional black caucus, i just want to say, its a trap [ light laughter ] seth a burger king in israel recently offered a socalled adults meal that came with two beers and a sex toy. Or as lesbians call it, a friday night. [ light laughter ] seth im learning so much. According to a recent study, the black rhinoceros is on the brink of extinction. Apparently, cops keep shooting them, too. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] seth woo researchers in malaysia recently released a group of endangered turtles back into the wild. A group of turtles is called a bale, while a group of lesbians is called the army. [ light laughter ] you know what a group of black people is called . Seth what . A riot. Seth oh. [ laughter ] wait, wait. Then whats a group of white people called . Congress. Seth oh, right, right, right, right. Should have known that. [ cheers and applause ] its my bad. Abc announced recently that for the first time the lead on the bachelorette will be africanamerican. Still no word on when theyll have their first black viewer. [ laughter ] seth so, amber, youre not excited about the black bachelorette . If i wanted to see a black woman who can choose between any white man she wants, id just look in the mirror. [ audience oohs ] [ cheers and applause ] [ light laughter ] seth thats definitely one i couldnt tell. [ laughter ] i would like to do this after my punchlines, though. You could probably get a couple white guys. [ laughter ] seth thats a question for jenny i think for sure. Seth okay, thank you. D. C. Comics announced recently they are bringing back their lesbian superhero, batwoman. Shes just like batman, except her parents arent dead, just disappointed. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] seth adele recently won the grammy for album of the year over beyonce. Amber, whats the joke . That is the joke. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter and applause ] seth i need you to know, im dancing to adele. [ laughter ] hey, seth, why dont you tell one . Seth no, i couldnt oh come on, bud seth i feel like ill get in trouble if i do. No, you can do it. Come on do it seth all right, all right, i trust you guys. I trust you both. You should. Seth youre my friends and i trust you. You wouldnt lead me astray, because i trust you. I trust you both so much. Yeah, you should. Seth a man recently became the champion of philadelphias wing bowl after eating 409 chicken wings in one sitting. Said black people, amateur how dare you seth you told me it would be okay seth, how could you . 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[ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody give it up for the 8g band, right over there [ cheers and applause ] also back with us tonight, hes a drumming hero whose worldrenown playing can be heard with such Iconic Artists like frank zappa, herbie hancock, sting, and jeff beck, to name just a few. Vincent colaiuta, everybody [ cheers and applause ] how are you, vinnie . Good seth, thank you. Seth thank you so much for being here thanks for having me, man. Seth you know our first guest tonight from her work on the hit comedy parks and recreation, and films such as dirty grandpa and mike and dave need wedding dates. She stars in the fx series, legion, which airs wednesday nights. Lets take a look. Kid, hey kid [ whistle ] its sweet, really. They think they can save you. What is it . The Speech Center of his brain is active, but hes not talking. You cant be here. What are you doing, kid . Stop. Do you think youre safe here . With these clowns . Theyre helping me. Oh, like the hospital helped you . No, no, im not sick. I have abilities. Hmm. Theyre showing me my past. I have powers. Oh. Oh no, thats good. Im happy for you. Seth please welcome back to the show, one of our favorites, our friend, aubrey plaza, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, friend. Why, thank you. Seth its so wonderful to always have you here. I know, im just always here. Seth youre always here. [ light laughter ] congrats on this show. Thanks. Steve this show is very unique. This is like, half a superhero show, half a scifi show. Would you say thats accurate . Yeah, its kind of psychedelic, psychological. Seth it is psychostyle. Seth its a lot of psycho stuff in it. Superhero show. Seth its sort of from the xmen universe. It is. Seth dan stevens plays professor xaviers son. Thats right. Seth and you play lenny. And lenny is a pretty interesting cat. How would you describe lenny . Lenny lenny busker is the name. And its really hard to describe without giving away the entire plot of the show. Seth thats true. Which im not allowed to do. But um seth we can say shes a very mysterious seth can we say what happens to your character . Because youre still on the show. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Seth i mean, thats allowed, right . Yes. Seth yeah. Because you died. Thats right. Seth yeah. [ laughter ] yeah. Seth but but just watch and see. [ laughter ] i dont know how to talk about it. Its so hard to talk about it. Seth youre still on the show. Im on the show, and my character does die in the First Episode. But then i keep coming back, and somethings not quite right. And youre like, what is going on with this crazy character . Seth i would say the first thing thats not right is when a dead person keeps coming back. Thats usually a red flag. Well, not to lenny. [ laughter ] and um seth so, lenny is just a normal thing. Shes got a plan. Seth and len was corn flakes the middle name in the script . Yeah, corn flakes was the middle name in the pilot script, but that hasnt really paid off and i dont think it ever will. Seth gotcha, but you used it as inspiration. Except for in my own mind. Seth its so you, to prepare for the character of lenny corn flakes what was the last name . Busker. Seth lenny corn flakes busker. Its a great name. Yeah, its like a stripper name. Seth what stripper name . [ laughter ] i dont know. Seth i would not but seth if i was in a strip club and they said, up next, lenny corn flakes busker. Id be like, im going to go get a drink. [ laughter ] i would be like pulling corn flakes out of my vagina woo [ laughter ] take a couple of these. Seth you guys like fiber . Yeah. [ laughter ] i live on the street. Seth but you used your corn flakes as inspiration. Yeah, i use my corn flakes [ laughter ] in a lot of ways. Seth yeah. I yeah. I had a lot of inspirations for the character. David bowie was one of them. Seth that makes sense from what ive seen. The character was originally written as a middleaged man. Seth uhhuh. In the pilot script and then when i came on board, it changed, because seth yeah. And then yeah. So but the lines didnt change. Seth how . So the gender changed, but not dialogue. So i kind of seth thats really cool. How did i mean, what an interesting casting process, that they would go so far afield of how it was written. Could they just thats noah hawley. Seth yeah. Hes a really interesting guy and he makes really cool choices, i think. Seth noah hawley created the show. He also created fargo. Yes. Seth the great fx series. Hes a great author. And and an identical twin. Seth does he really have an identical twin . I think so. [ laughter ] seth okay. I dont know. Maybe i shouldnt have said that. Seth yeah. Its a secret. Seth oh, got it. Now its not. Seth so not only does your show have spoilers his twin is evil. No, i think hes identical i dont know if hes identical or fraternal, actually. So dont quote me on that. Seth okay. Im going to do a long interview about noah hawleys twin after this. Well the thing about his yeah i dont know anything about it. [ light laughter ] at all. Seth but this the First Episode. I watched the First Episode twice of this show, because it is its very complicated and that seems negative. Yes. Seth but its i would say its intricate. No, i think, you know, the show its great that its on the air. It will be, i think even more for fun for people that have missed it and that will end up bingewatching it. Because its such a its such a complicated show, it has many layers and its trippy, man. Seth yeah. So youve got to just you know. Seth were you confused when you read the script the first time, was it hard to follow . Yes. I read it i had to read it so many times. Even when i was shooting it, i read it over and over again, because i was like, i am not smart enough to be in this show. [ light laughter ] everyone else is smart, except for me. So i had to really read it and really go, yeah, i get whats happening. Seth dan stevens, who is your costar, great actor from downton abbey. We knew him from that. Yeah. Seth and is it true that you have because everybody must be confused by the script. But you try to try to you tried to tell him that you know more than he does. Well, yes, i did. Because my character is appearing to him in the show. And so and his character, the premise is that hes schizophrenic, and hes in a mental hospital, and he thinks hes crazy, but really he has super powers. So he never knows whats real or not. So when we werent shooting, and id always be like, dan, you know that, you know that this character is going to end up doing this to you. And he would be like, are you serious . No one told me that. And id be like, oh, yes. And i wouldnt know anything. And i would just constantly mess with him. Like all day long. [ light laughter ] and for me, i felt like it was my job to do that. Seth oh, yeah. Thats where [ laughter ] so just, psychologically kind of seth thats what corn flakes does. Yeah. [ laughter ] typical corn flakes. Spreading her corn flakes all over the place. Seth if you just making a real mess. Seth if you if you aubrey plaza, could have a super power, what would your super power be . Um, i dont know. I said once that i would want it to be something where you put something in your mouth and its so spicy that your head explodes. Seth uhhuh. I and i would call that, muy caliente. [ light laughter ] and so it would be kind of like a pleasure and pain scenario. Seth so your you would im sorry, you would make other people [ laughter ] thats not a good answer. I dont know why i said that. Seth well how can i do it again . Seth yeah. [ laughter ] now i dont seth but i want to talk about muy caliente. Wait, i dont want to talk about her anymore. She died. [ laughter ] seth oh, she died too . Yeah. Seth is she died, dead dead . Or does she come back too . She she dead. Seth she dead . [ light laughter ] when you died on the show, you had to wear a harness, right . Yep. Seth and had you ever done that before . No, im now in the marvel harness club. Seth oh, thats a thing . Which i well, in my mind. I created it. Seth okay, got it. But i only had to do it one time. But now i know what it feels like. And i liked it. It was like a very tight diaper. Seth oh, yeah. And [ laughter ] seth who wouldnt like a very tight diaper . I actually would rather wear a diaper at all times. [ laughter ] seth here comes lenny corn flakes wearing a diaper. [ light laughter ] shes got a diaper full of milk ooh, yeah. Look at those soggy corn flakes dripping down her thighs. Man, im turned on by that. Seth yeah. I want to congratulate you on something else. You produced two films that were in sundance . Thats right. Seth thats really amazing, well done. Thanks. Seth thats so exciting. Yeah. Seth were you in both . I was. Thank you. [ laughter ] mom. [ cheers and applause ] hey, you didnt have to seth you one of the films, you play a nun, correct . Yes. Both of the films, i believe, will come out this summer. One is called the little hours where i play a nun and one is called Ingrid Goes West. Seth gotcha. And for the nun, is it true, i heard that you helped research by actually you were actually reading the bible. Yes, i was. Theres Prayer Services in the film, so i was for some reason put in charge of writing those services and coming up with all of the responsorial psalms. So just i went back to my catholic roots and stole a bible from my hotel room. [ light laughter ] and just just started from page 1, and i was like, this is interesting stuff. Seth yeah. I mean seth how do you think the church feels about stealing bibles from hotel rooms . Where do they land on that . I think that they would love it. Seth yeah. I mean, dont they want everyone to read it . Seth yeah. In my mind, stealing a bible is like what they secretly want you to do. Seth yeah. Because theyre like, yeah, now youre going to read it and do everything it says. And im like, no i wont. But seth yeah. It must be such a bummer when you get to thou shalt not steal and youre like, oh, [ bleep ]. Yeah, then i just immediately convert to judaism. [ light laughter ] yeah. Seth how was did prob like, being a producer, which is so different. Did you ever run into problems with either of the films being a producer . Yeah. I mean yeah, it was really interesting kind of being with both proj