[ laughter ] congress narrowly passed the republican plan to replace obamacare today. Also narrowly passing grandma. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] i didnt take away her health care. [ light laughter ] a member of the conservative House Freedom caucus said, yesterday, that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump, because its hard to tell what hes thinking. Also if. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] there were several protests here in new york for President Trumps first planned visit since his inauguration. Including one protest at trump tower. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] today was respect for chickens day. Thats right. Respect, said President Trump trying to spell chickens. [ light laughter ] that was my favorite one, so there you go. [ light laughter ] sometimes sometimes we diverge. [ light laughter ] thats right. Today was respect for chickens day. Which is information that would have been useful to me before lunch. [ light laughter ] according to a new biography, former president obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met michelle obama. But he paused so long she walked away. [ laughter ] will you ah [ laughter ] will you ah marry me . [ light laughter ] diane . Some psychologists say that a socalled masturbation break at work could increase productivity. Said one employee, huh. I guess i would get more work done if i took a break from masturbating. [ laughter ] hes so happy. [ light laughter ] and finally, today was National Star wars day. And if you celebrated, no girlfriend you have. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. Shes in the new film snatched. For my money shes one of our greatest comediennes. Wanda sykes is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] so happy to have her back on the show. He has a fantastic comedy special, career suicide. It will air on hbo may 6th. My very good friend Chris Gethard is back on the show. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from an exciting new country artist. Devin dawson is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] youre really going to enjoy hearing from him. But before we get to all of that, today republicans led by President Trump and House Speaker paul ryan rushed a bill through the house of representatives that would strip Health Insurance away from millions of people before most americans and even many members of congress knew what was in the bill. For more on this, its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] seth in the runup to todays vote, trump spent the week continuing a habit of his from the campaign, making absurd promises about his deal making skills that have no basis in reality. Yesterday, for example, he claimed that he might be able to solve the most intractable conflict in the world the israelipalestinian conflict. Let see if we can find a solution. Its something that i think is frankly, maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years. Seth maybe not as difficult as people have thought . Peace in the middle east is the phrase people use to describe something thats difficult. [ light laughter ] thats like saying, when i need a needle, i just go straight to the haystack and grab one. Boom. Easy as that. [ laughter and applause ] trumps claims about middle east peace are a lot like his claims about what his Health Care Plan would actually do. Naive, overconfident and detached from reality. And now, were also getting a glimpse how Trumps White House will square the promises he made about health care with the reality of this bill. Theyll just lie. Just take as an example, the border wall. Trump has not gotten any money for his wall, so yesterday press Secretary Sean Spicer argued that fencing was just as good as the wall trump promised. And reporters were not having it. We have a porous border right now with broken fences, things that can be cut through and to replace this with 20foothigh ballard wall will protect our country. Are those photos of fences or walls . That is called a ballard wall that is called a levee wall. Thats the wall that no, no, no. No, no. There are various types of walls that can be built. So thats not a wall. Its a levee wall . Thats what its actually called. Thats the name of it. Thats what it is. Its not the wall the president promised. No, no. Hold on. [ light laughter ] hes telling reporters, the president s supporters to be satisfied with this existing tough guy fencing until hes ready to build the wall . [ light laughter ] seth i love that reporters are now just fully [ bleep ] with sean spicer. [ laughter ] hey, sean sean, the president promised a wall and i dont know, bro. [ laughter ] it, ah, kind of looks like a fence to me. Right, everybody . [ laughter and applause ] no. Its a wall its a ballard wall, you jerks. Did you just say . Did you just say your balls were hard . [ laughter ] no i said ballard [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course, the deal trump has been desperate to get done has been the Republican Health care bill. And today, republicans got one step closer to making it a reality by rushing a bill through the house. Now, if the American Health care act becomes law, trump and the gop will not be able to escape the negative consequences. They will own them. But im not sure trump fully understands that. In an interview on monday, he was asked about a famous quote by george w. Bush, who said that the reason the oval office is round, is there are no corners you can hide in. Obviously, its a metaphor about taking responsibility for your actions. Yet trump seemed to take it literally. George w. Bush said, the reason the oval office is round, is there are no corners you can hide in. Well, theres truth to that. Theres truth to that. There are certainly no corners. And you look, theres a certain openness, but theres nobody out there. [ light laughter ] you know, there is an openness, but ive never seen anybody out there, actually. As you can imagine. What he meant was, it all comes back to you. Sure. Sure, sure. Seth sure. [ laughter ] sure, sure, sure. Trumps like a guy who didnt get a joke. Take my wife, please. Okay. Where is she . [ light laughter ] also, id like to point out that the metaphor he didnt get was from george w. Bush. [ laughter ] thats where were at. [ applause ] the one thing george w. Bush never thought hed do is go over someones head. [ laughter ] but in reality, trump will not be able to hide from the ramifications of this bill, and those ramifications are disastrous. Remember, when republicans first tried to pass this bill a few weeks ago, the Congressional Budget Office found it would kick as many as 24 million americans off of Health Insurance, raise premiums for older, poor americans by more than 750 , cut federal medicaid spending by 880 billion, and give the wealthiest people a giant tax cut of nearly 1 trillion over a decade. The bill literally takes from the poor and gives to the rich. Its exactly what Bernie Sanders warned us about. The only thing bernie would hate more is a bill that bans free crackers at diners. [ light laughter ] i take them home, and i feed them to my birds [ light laughter ] and then, on top of that, to get the bill passed today, republicans added new things that made it even worse. They basically took an oatmeal raisin cookie and added cilantro. [ light laughter ] for example, the new version would allow states to waive out of obamacares ban on preexisting conditions and essential benefits, such as pregnancy, lab tests, emergency room trips, and ambulance trips. Thats right. Republicans think your Health Insurance shouldnt have to cover ambulance trips. So if youre having a heart attack, dont call 911. Call 6666666 remember 6 [ light laughter ] seth can you remember that . [ light laughter ] despite all that, republicans hastily arranged a victory celebration at a the white house today and were absolutely giddy. And trump could not help but brag what he always brags about, the fact that he won. What we have is something very, very, incredibly well crafted. And, you know, coming from a different world and only being a politician for a short time. How am i doing . Am i doing okay . Im president. [ applause ] hey, im president can you believe it . Right . Seth no [ laughter and applause ] no, i cant. Cannot. Also, look how happy those old, white guys are. I guess they just are happy they finally passed something that wasnt a kidney stone. [ laughter ] no longer covered, by the way. [ laughter ] but heres one of the most gulling parts of the whole process. In 2010, when democrats passed obamacare, republicans complained constantly about what they claimed was a rushed process that lacked public input. Back then at least, obamacare went through tons of hearings, took well over a year to become law. And what about this gop bill . There have been no hearings, no studies, no Congressional Budget Office analysis, not even text of a bill circulated the day before the vote. In fact, some republicans right now are just outright admitting they did not read the bill they voted on. A bill that would reorganize 1 6th of the american economy. Like Virginia Republican tom garrett who said this on msnbc today. Have you read the whole bill . Oh, gosh. Lets put it this way. People in my office have read all the parts of the bill. I dont think any individual has read the whole bill, but thats why we have staff. Seth thats right. Your elected official didnt read the bill, but jonah did. [ light laughter ] even the basic question of how much the bill would cost has been a mystery to republicans. Like texas congressman joe barton, who said this last week. Is this going to be a cheaper bill when everything is said and done if it passes, or a more expensive bill than obamacare . Well, thats a very good question. The honest answer, greta, is that nobody really knows. Seth and when it comes to health care, i think all americans want the comfort of not knowing. [ light laughter ] am i covered for this lifesaving procedure . Why dont we do the operation now and ill well tell you tomorrow . [ light laughter ] ooh, that sounds fun. So americans and members of congress havent even read this bill and the Congressional Budget Office has not told us how much it costs. I just wish someone would have the courage to come out against such a secretive process. I wish someone would just tell paul ryan that we shouldnt pass bills we havent read and dont know what they cost. I dont think we should pass bills that we havent read, that we dont know what they cost. Seth thank you, paul ryan. [ light laughter ] that was paul ryan in 2009, when obamacare was making its way through congress. Of what ryan claimed to hate back then, hes tota if you rush this thing th is,h hats not good democracy. Thats not doing our work for our constituents. Speaker pelosi is trying to jam her bill through as fast as possible. I think this is less about Health Care Policy and more about ideology. This is not bipartisan. For bipartisanship to work, the majority has to be willing to collaborate with minority, that has not occurred. We are right here creating a legislative trojan horse in which a handful of people hidden from public view will reshape how all americans receive and pay for their health care. And theyre trying to muscle through by the end of this week. Seth and when it comes to muscling, no one knows better than paul ryan. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] look at that guy hes in amazing shape. No wonder hes not worried about health care. His resting heart rate is he doesnt have one. [ light laughter ] everything that paul ryan claimed to hate about the obamacare process in 2009 hes doing now. Republicans are lying through their teeth about the impacts of the bill and premiums and preexisting conditions and hoping no one will catch them, because theres no cbo score. And until last night, there was no text. Americans are being conned and there will be consequences for the people doing the conning. But dont take it from me. Take it from this guy. What people are going to get is not what they think theyre getting, based on the rhetoric that was used to sell this health care bill. This is not about Health Care Policy. If it were, we could pass a bipartisan bill to fix whats broken in Health Care Without breaking whats working in health care. This is about ideology. My friends, the choice is not whether youre going to stick with your party leaders, the choice here is what side of history do you want to be on . Seth yes. Whats it going to be . Are you with paul ryan . Or are you with paul ryan . [ light laughter ] this has been a closer look. [ cheers and applause ] well be right back with wanda sykes, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] a Millie Dresselhaus doll happy birthday, sweetie oh, millies. Trick or treat were so glad to have you here. What if we treated great female scientists like they were stars . Yasss queen what if Millie Dresselhaus, the first woman to win the National Medal of science in engineering, were as famous as any celebrity . [Millie Dresselhaus was seen having lunch today. ] [. Rumors of the new discovery. ] what if we lived in a world like that . crowd applauding we know a place thats already working on it. First you start with this. These guys. A place like shhh no. Found it and definitely lipton ice tea. Lots of it. A lipton meal is what you bring to it. And the refreshing taste of lipton iced tea. You never know whatll inspire you. But i take it all with me, and give it all back. Experience more as a member. The marriott portfolo has 30 brands in over 110 countries so no matter where you go, you are here. Prone jar shatterst livthe competition. Pe . Olay regenerist hydrates skin better than creams costing over 100, 200, and even 400. Fact check this ad in good housekeeping. Olay. Ageless. [ cheers and applause ] seth welcome back, everybody. Give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, weve been so lucky this week. We have had the fantastic musical talent of this drummer and singer from the band paris monster, whose latest single, aint no movin me can be found on itunes and bandcamp. Com. Josh dion everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. Thank you, sir. [ cheers and applause ] seth its been a fantastic week. Weve really enjoyed it. Our first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning writer and comedian who can be seen in the film snatched, in theaters everywhere may 12th. Lets take a look. Please look away. Would you just give him the danger eye . I dont even know what danger eye is. Its like this. That kind of thing. I didnt make that face. I think you gave him some danger eyes. Go go away ride or die. Seth please welcome back to the show, the one and only wanda sykes, everybody [ cheers and applause ] seth how are you . Hi. How are you . Seth good. So good to see you. You made this very funny film with a lot of funny people. Amy schumer, joan cusack, goldie hawn. Goldie hawn. Goldie hawn. Seth goldie hawn. And you got to do it you got to be in honolulu. Yes, yes. Seth how was that, being with funny people . It was crazy. I mean its youre in hawaii. In honolulu, it was just gorgeous. Beautiful hotel and, you know, like, you forget that youre there working. You know . Seth right. Yeah, youre like, i should go learn how to paddleboard. [ light laughter ] then youre like, oh, shoot. Im late. [ light laughter ] but yeah, it was great, and, you know, amy is always doing something. She has that crazy energy. Seth yeah. So shes, hey, lets go do a popup show tonight. So i was like, alright cool. Ill go up. Seth so just do standup. Unexpected standup . Yeah, just go do a show. Unexpected standup. Yeah. So i texted one of the makeup ladies. I said, hey, amy and i are going to go do standup at this bar. She sent back in big caps, be careful. Im like what its hawaii. What is there to be careful about . And i was like, hey amy, she said, this bar, oh, yeah, its a pretty dive bar. Its awful. Im like, okay. Then i thought about it. Well it cant be like, our awful . Seth right. [ light laughter ] seth you know, youre in hawaii. You know, so im like, so whats awful there . You know, they only got two tiki torches. [ light laughter ] its bad. They dont even put the little umbrellas in your drink. [ light laughter ] bad and, really, we get there and its like folding chairs. So im like, yall are nuts. Seth thats not that bad. Its not that bad. Did anybody get shot . No. Okay. [ light laughter ] seth well you think though there is a hawaii five0 tv show, so they must have some crime. Right, yeah, yeah. Seth but it is all about tiki torches going missing. Exactly, exactly, exactly. Seth so you joan cusack is sort of your costar. The two of you are and you describe yourself as her hype man in the movie, but theres a reason for that. Right. Right. Well yeah, were staying at the same resort that amy and goldie are staying at, and were kind of like trying to rescue them, i guess. But joan and i, were traveling together, and im her hype man, because she was in special ops, and she cut her own tongue out to avoid being, you know, tortured for secrets. Seth got it. So she cut her tongue out. Seth so joan cusack, the great joan cusack, does not have a line in this movie . Yeah, she does not have a line in the movie. [ light laughter ] you know and they gave her that option whether she wanted to have the character with lines or not dialogue and she goes, im going to go with no lines. Im like, oh, okay. Then she would do stuff, stuff like this to me. We had like a 6 00 a. M. Call time. Shed go, hey wanda, you want to run lines . Im like, you know what . [ light laughter ] you you can kiss my ass, joan cusack. [ light laughter ] seth so youre in hawaii ive got whole paragraphs to learn and shes just in there [ light laughter ] seth youre in hawaii. Youre in a tropic paradise. Was it anything like the Fyre Festival that we heard about last week . Oh, that made me laugh. I mean that is just ridiculous who trusts ja rule . Seth yeah. [ laughter and applause ] what made you go you know who seems like the best tr