Stephen Stephen Stephen stephen thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Its a packed house. Super energetic crowd tonight. Super packed house. People are very excited about the election, right . Me too, me too. How are you doing jon, feeling good. Jon feeling good. Were doing it. Stephen i love that jacket. You look like barney from the waist up. Up. Jon i used to watch barney when i was a kid. You know, i used to check him out. . I love you you love me . Stephen i do not know what you are talking about. One of us is slightly older than the other, and i would like to not dwell on it if you dont mind. Well, ive got to start tonight with some shocking news. Theres a huge scandal out there that does not involve donald instead, it involves future former president barack obama. Remember a few months ago when he got iran to release four american prisoners . Well, it turns out, he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, turns out 400 million was flown to iran on a plane loaded with cash. Dont you hate ien an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to 400 million . You dont know who gets the armrest. Its incredible. And now, a lot of people are saying it sounds like ransom, because they know what the word ransom means. laughter but the administration is denying any connection between the money and the prisoner release, claiming that the timing is coincidental. Already full of cash. Hey why dont we do the the. laughter so its great the prisoners came home, but this does not look good for the obama administration. And i am going to keep talking about this story, or my names not stephen colbert, and my Swiss Bank Accounts number cheers and applause okay. Okay. What else is in the news . Have you heard of this donald trump guy . Very interesting guy. People talk about him a lot. Today on coffee joe morning, and the funky bunch, coffee joe revealed this policy expert on the International Level went to advise donald trump, and three times he asked about the use of nuclear weapons. Three times he asked, at one point, if we have them, why cant we use them . Stephen ooh, i know that one applause chingching. Aarrgghh time passes. Yes, i followed his orders and dropped the bomb. Okay, right up there, the thing with the rope and the noose . Okay, ill go. laughter and i can really picture donald trump at that National Security meeting i know there are probably reasons not to use nuclear weapons. I cant think of one, but im open to hearing them. Meatloaf, your thoughts . Arsenio hall, should i bomb gary busey . Now, this caps off a week in which trump attacked a gold star family, seemed happy about getting a purple heart as a gift because it was much easier than earning one, and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. And ive been out here for five minutes, so im going to say fivegallon can of van kamps pork and beans. He makes more gaffes than i can keep up with. Its like i love lucy in the aint chocolate. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. cheers thank you. Thank you. Peabody, please. Now, things have gotten so bad that trumps allies are plotting an intervention. An intervention. They love you, donald. Is admitting that youre the problem. Im guessing and this is just Wishful Thinking but senior g. O. P. Officials are exploring options if trump drops out. In fact, Top Republicans have been seen standing outside mitt romneys House Holding boom boxes. laughter applause because on monday, paul ryan retweeted a poll that said, harambe the gorilla is polling nationally at 5 , adding the comment, one in 20 want to see harambe in the oval office. laughter applause its a bold choice. Only obstacle i can foresee is that hes a gorilla, and hes dead. On the plus side, im pretty now please say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. . . . cheers and applause now just over there a second ago i was saying that desperate republicans are looking to replace donald trump at the top of the ticket. But realistically, who could they turn to . Whoever they pick would have to be hawkish on national defense, friendly to wall street, and is despised by liberals. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. applause admittedly. ch a she fits the bill, but shes spoken for. Speaking of which, trumps got a new nickname for this woman. Why did hillary get rid of her middle name . Huh . Hillary . No, but why did she get rid of it, hillary rotten clinton. Rotten clinton. Hillary rotten clinton. Maybe thats why. Its too close. Stephen hahaha. laughter applause by which i mean, sleep at nigh applause cheers . . . Hillary rotten clinton. And several Top Republicans, like congressman Richard Hanna and g. O. P. Fundraiser meg whitman have Just Announced theyre going to vote for Hillary Clinton. So its clear the g. O. P. Establishment is not pleased donald trump, hand, he cant stand them either. For instance, senator mccain has promised that he will support the republican nominee, despite trump saying this hes not a war hero. He was a war hero because he was captured. I like people that werent captured. booing . Stephen i know, but it really brings you back to a simpler time. When that statement was shocking. Despite that, mccain endorsed trump. But despite that, yesterday, trump said this ive never been there with john mccain because ive always felt that he should have done a much better job for the vets. He has not done a good job for the vets. Stephen oh, my lord, that is below the belt. Which isnt hard, because at 79, mccains belt suparound his armpits. I come here, come here, mister come here now his belt is up around where a prom dress sits. Now, paul ryan was slower to endorse donald trump than most. Back in may, he said im just not ready to do that at this point. Im not there right now. Stephen yes, he wasnt there he was in his happy place, fantasizing about president harambe. But, eventually, ryan did throw his support behind trump and then threw up a little in his mouth. But, yesterday trump rewarded that endorsement with a ringing nut punch saying, i like paul, but im just not quite there yet. Im not quite there yet. Ouch oh working the boys like a speed bag down there. Using paul ryans own words against him. Thats a great way to take down your political opponent, which for trump, is now everyone. Here for some indepth analysis on trumps childish laughing out at his own party, please welcome Trump Campaign senior junior strategist, timmy jenkins. cheers and applause timmy. Timmy. As always, timmy, thank you for joining us. Your pleasure, stephen coldsore. Now, you are the mastermind behind Donald Trumps campaign strategy, correct . Thats right. During the primaries, i was the brains behind those powerful nicknames lyin ted, little marco, booby jindal. Stephen booby jindal . I never heard that one. Yeah, he dropped out before we could use it. Biggest regret of the campaign. Invention switching from crooked hillary to hillary rotten clinton. Stephen that was you . Yeah. It works on so many levels. Stephen it actually only works on one level, timmy. Calling your opponents names is one thing, but throwing paul ryans own words back in his face . Doesnt a president ial candidate have to be more mature than that . Doesnt a president ial candidate have to be more mature than that . laughter stephen timmy, please. Im trying to have a serious conversation. Im trying to have a serious conversation. Stephen stop it stop it stephen i mean it stephen im a big dork now, why would you say that laughter have some selfrespect, stephen coldballs. Stephen timmy, seriously. Okay, the last four or five days have been the roughest i can recall for any president ial candidate. Trump is down in the polls, Party Leaders are discussing replacements, reports are that morale within the campaign is plummeting. Doesnt any of that make you question whether your bullying strategy is working . Doesnt your face make you question whether your butt is working, stephen coldballs . Stephen you already used that one. Okay, listen, i know. We node to talk for a second, mantofartknocker . Stephen go ahead, sure. Im in over my head, man. I thought this would be fun, you know, share some laughs, but trumps out of control. Stephen wait, timmy, what are you saying . That guy is too childish to be president. Im voting for hillary cooties be damned cheers and applause stephen timmy jenkins, everybody. Wow im with her, buttlickers stephen well be right back with john cena. Stick around. 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Excited crowd. Stephen very excited to see you. Was that your music they played when you came out here . That was. Stephen thats your entrance music . Youre hired. You guys did it better than jon were already theyre already working . Thats cool. Stephen maybe on the weekends. I love that suit, man. Oh, thank you. Stephen thats, like there is a reason behind our brand new w. W. E. Program on the u. S. A. Network, smack down live. Stephen its blue, that is the color, that blue . It is this blue but it serves a guy my age 39 years old, every once in a while can still blue himself. laughter applause stephen i have not i have not done enough yoga,un you what else i like. You have a really nice suit on here. This is teen Choice Awards. This is you as Hillary Clinton at the teen Choice Awards right there. Thats a really good thats a really good look. Yeah, yeah. She should think about it, yeah. I should stop thinking about it. laughter now, obviously, you probably dont talk about politics a lot, but i have to ask you one question donald trump seems figger. Do you think he would do well in the world of wrestling . Stephen, do i donald trump is a w. W. E. Hall of famer. Stephen what . W. W. E. Is made for a guy like donald trump. Donald trump has been to wrestlemania and shaved my boss head. Stephen really. So, guys, this is all my fault. Stephen wait a second. Is there any chance this entire campaign is scrimented and you know how it no. Stephen no . No. Stephen okay, summerslam 2016, what can we expect . You can expect everything. For those people who dont worry w. W. E. And there are only one or two of you out there, i thank the rest of you. The rest of you are in for a hell of a show. If you dont know, its the best live production you can possibly imagine. We take the drama and excitement roll it into this one big ball and send it out to the w. W. E. Universe live at w. W. E. Network. At summerslam its basically our season finale. If you watch game of thrones you always watch the whole thing to gear up for the finale. Stephen you got any dragons . Do you go buck naked or anything like that . So i tried both of those. laughter the dragons and being naked at the same time. Stephen bad combination . A poor management decision, my friend. Stephen who are you fighting . A guy named a. J. Styles. Stephen a. J. Styles youll take him with one hand tied behind your back. Please dont say that. Stephen no, youre going to take him is he good . Ive never heard of him. applause is he good . Hes very good. Stephen hes very good. Hes very good. Stephen have you fought him before . I have. Stephen and stephen oh, wow, oh, wow. Could i ask you about your about your some of your signature moves . Yeah, sure. Stephen i love the attitude adjustment. Yes. Stephen and what is this . What is this called that do you . Thats called the you cant see me, can which sets up a maneuver called the fiveknuckle shuffle. Man, my life is weird. laughter stephen whose idea was this. You do this right before the attitude adjustment, right . Little brother and he dared me i wouldnt get it on television. Stephen because its so dumb . laughter because thats what Little Brothers not me thats what Little Brothers force their older brothering to do. I was really excited to be here tonight. Stephen still be. Still be excited. Quite frankly, youre being very hurtful right now. Stephen i apologize, i apologize. Thats cool. I cant see you, so its good. He gets it. Clip of you doing it. Jimmy, show the people the good stuff. That right there is the attitude adjustment. And wait for it. Wait for it. Im about to become invisible. Hold on. Theres a big buildup because theres a magic potient. And im invisible right there. I disappear. I disappeared. Stephen okay, i take it back. cheers and applause i take it all it actually works, but only in a w. W. Wring. I actually become invisible for a few seconds. Stephen wow, amazing. A couple of quick questions . What do you bench . Enough to let me beat a. J. Styles live at summerslam on the w. W. E. Network. Stephen all right, thats more than i can. Ill tell you that much. Do you have like ive heard, like, the rock has a crazy amount of food he has to ingest on a daily basis to stay all is it all just live chickens . If it breathes or its green you eat it. Stephen if it breathing or its green you eat it. Stephen if it breath breathd its green its gone bad. Yes, if it breathe and its green its gone bad. Stephen did you have any big wrestling heroes when you were younger . As a kid i loved macho man. I loved the hulkster . I c as a kid. You brought up dwayne johnson. I think hes a hero and inspiration to myself and anybody in the w. W. E. applause thank you, a couple of rock fans here tonight. He certainly has blazed the trail for all of us. He always comes back and continues to perform year after year in the w. W. E. And has really set the precedent that were all not just w. W. Superstars. Were a little bit more. We can sit in a chair and banter ultrawitty stephen colbert. Stephen did he start you acting . Is he the reason you started acting . Have you seen any of my stuff . laughter this has all been kind of a soft open to my start in acting. Im going to start a few years down the road. Its not exactly acting what im doing right now. Im trying my best. Im swimming with the floaties on. Stephen we have to take a commercial break will you stick around . Yes. Stephen well be back with more john cena. Were going to act. . . . applause gilman go get it, marcus. Go get it. Coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1 cash back everywhere, every time. At places like the batting cages. . [ crowd cheers ] 2 back at Grocery Stores and now at wholesale clubs. And 3 back on gas. Which helped him give his players something extra. More cash back for the things you buy most. Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Back to school is like our red carpet. Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. And they have jeans starting at like 10 bucks. Noice dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Ping . The Bud Light Party believes in change. Thats why bud light has a new look. And we want to share it with everyone. Jackpot still the same refreshing bud light. With a new look. Poor mouth breather. Allergies . Stuffy nose . Cant sleep . Take that. A breathe right nasal strip instantly opens your nose odnight, mouthbreathers. Breathe right. The new chicken mcnuggets look fantastic made with 100 white meat chicken, no artificial preservatives, flavors and colors, it just might convince the judges here today. crowd cheers and theyve done it n mcnuggets rightfully claim their gold marco. polo marco. polo marco. polo marco. polo marco. s . . Polo marco. polo scusa . Ma io sono marco polo, ma. Marco. playing marco polo with marco polo . Surprising. Ragazzini, io sono marco polo. S . , sono qui. Whats not surprising . How much money amanda and keith saved by switching to geico. Ahhh. Polo. Polo fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Polo cheers and applause stephen were back with john cena. John, before the break we were talking about your workout regimen, you have to stay all that some of my producers have asked me to ask you this this isnt you asking me. Stephen this is not me. This is being asked through me by some of my producers. And lets just say she would like to know of all the muscles on your body, are all of them as big as. laughter . What the are purported in certain movies theyve seen . My goodness, man. Stephen again, its not me. If you vacation south of the equator its going te trip. laughter stephen really . Really . Im not doing any nohanded pushups any time soon. laughter applause im so glad that in the w. W. E. We wrestle without our shirt and not without our pants. Stephen that is that is are we cool . Stephen yeah, were absolutely cool. Now, this is how i would answer that. Ask me. So, stephen, ive been wa