I did not agree to appear in this. I was just told to wait here with these things on my ears. No one mentioned this is part of the weirdly earnest a cappella song for clinton. Awful. What the hell we talked at the a cappella meeting. I was going to have the hat and the hair . This is our fight song . Again, i did not agree to be part of this. This song is going to irritate people. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, stephen welcomes john oliver. Jai courtney. And Charlamagne Tha God. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its time for the 2016 Democratic National convincing. Death, taxes, hillary. cheers and applause stephen welcome to the late show. Hey, everybody Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen thanks so much thanks, everybody cheers and applause thank you, paul. Thank you, mark. Whats up, jon . Whats up, joe . Whats up, jon . Whats up, joe . Hey hey, everybody oh youve got to love it. Its electric. Wooo you can feel it. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here. Welcome to the late show. Im your Host Stephen Colbert we are live on night three of the Democratic National convention. cheers and applause last night, Hillary Clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party. cheers and applause it was yay, pretty exciting. You really felt it. It was an historic moment covered by all the papers. Ive got them right here. Lets see. First up, the wall street journal, had Hillary Clinton wins nomination. And the photo. Wow, there she is. Hillary really looking president ial there for some reason. Similar thing on the washington post. Historic nomination for Hillary Clinton right there. Then theres the seattle times. Houston chronicle. Pittsburgh postgazette. All with no photo of Hillary Clinton. If she wins, i expect her inauguration coverage to read, Justice Roberts performs historic swearing in of unidentified woman. laughter applause cheers im not sure what im supposed to do with all this newspaper on the floor. I think thats a fire hazard. Now, the democrats had big names tonight. My oen moving speech. cheers and applause a moving speech that posed the eternal question why cant joe biden be the nominee . And uncle joe wasted no time going after donald trump. Hes trying to tell us he cares about the middle class . Give me a break thats a bunch of malarkey applause stephen what . Were live. Next hes going to say fawlderal, i cant believe it. And he closed with a rousing call to optimism. We are america, second to none and we own the finish line dont forget it god bless you all. And may god protect our troops come on cheers and applause were america thank you stephen come on come on lets do this come on you gotta be kidding me what are we doing its ridiculous, is what it is what are we doing . Oh, hey cheers and applause . . . Its malarkey is what it is and the theme of the night was love, which seemed to resonate a little better than the r. N. C. Fear festival last week. Its almost as if and im just guessing here its almost as if an audience wants to hear something other than their country is a giant flaming turd pile. Some people like being told we love each other, and everything is going to be okay. Thats why, when you skinned your knee in 2nd grade, your mom didnt say, were broke, and isis is coming to kill us all. applause my mom didnt. I dont know about. cheers and applause also tonight, Hillary Clintons running mate virginia senator and loosefit khakis model, tim kaine was there. The thrilla whos vanilla now, see if you can guess which demographic theyre hoping tim stephen theyre pushing this spanish thing so hard that tonight they introduced him by breaking him out of a pinata. laughter applause finally, finally and finally, the moment we all were waiting for, president barack obama who gave a great speech. Did you see it . Amazing speech. The guy knows how to talk. Office. You fell for my brilliant wife and partner michelle. cheers who somehow has not aged a day. cheers i know. The same cannot be said for me. Stephen its true. He has aged. Jimmy, can we see a photo of him in 2008 . There you go. Yikes oh thats without the makeup. Thats without the makeup. You didnt see that . You have to see him without his makeup. Thats what he looks like. He wasted no time building up Hillary Clintons credentials. You know, nothing truly prepares you for the demands of the oval office. You can read about it, you can study it. Desk, you dont know what its like to manage a Global Crisis or send young people to war. But hillarys been in the room. Stephen and im pretty sure she used to sit at my desk when i was asleep. laughter applause gotta things would move. Things would move around. cheers and applause adjust the chair. Surprise guest, Hillary Clinton. That is nice. That is a really lovely moment. And maybe tomorrow, you know, shell be on a newspaper. laughter its nice for her to get in there. Of course, tonights theme was working together, which they stole from Vladimir Putin and donald trump. Because, in case you havent heard, in case this is news for you, the latest d email scandal is that. Is the f. B. I. Suspects russia. And its easy to imagine putin and trump teaming up. After all, whats annexing crimea if not a very aggressive real estate deal . Putin fans here tonight evidently. Of course, we dont know for sure theyre colluding. All we know is that the hacking groups responsible go by the names cozy bear and fancy cozy bear and fancy bear . Hold on, wait a second. Jimmy, put up a picture of Vladimir Putin. Cozy bear now put up trump. Fancy bear oh, my god. It all makes sense even more suspicious even more suspicious than that. Even more suspicious, putin was recently spotted hunting trumps next hairpiece. laughter but theres absolutely no proof that donald trump is colluding with russian intelligence in secret. Hes doing it in public. Russia, if youre listening, i hope youre able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. Stephen also, those boner pills didnt work the way you said they would. laughter if anything if anything if anything, they made my hands even smaller. laughter still, still, i gotta say, it would be great to see hillarys deleted emails. And, russian hackers, while youre at it, see if you can dig up Donald Trumps tax returns. cheers and applause stick around, everybody. Well be right back. With a very special announcement. Youll want to hear it. . . . Whats up schumer . Okay, i got roped into spending the day with my sisters kids makes farting noise and they like keep talking about back to School Shopping . Back to school is like our red carpet. Just go to old navy. They have like the coolest back to School Clothes up to 60 off. Its what we all wear. Dont say noice. Sounds stank no. Stop. Okay. Um. Guess what were going to old navy. Whos excited . Who wants to go shopping . America thought our pancakes were pretty special. But we knew we could do better. So we did. We made dennys new pancakes 50 fluffier with fresh buttermilk and hint of vanilla. If you disagree, the cakes are free. Free for all. Get a free Samsung Galaxy for everyone in the family. Thats right, free and get 4 lines for just 30 bucks a line. Dont miss the galaxy free for all. Were going to prove just how wet and sticky your current gel antiperspirant is. Now, were going to show you how degree dry spray is different. Degree dry spray. Degree. And we want to share it with everyone. Jackpot . . . applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Welcome to the live show. It feels alive. Welcome to the live late show everybody. After the third night of the national convention, before we go any further. Jon you have very special guests. Jon we have rock n roll hall of famer, grammy award winner, hiphop legend, d. M. C. cheers and applause stephen thanks for being here, man. Thank you so much. Folks, im really enjoying these Live Convention shows. You liking them . cheers and applause theyre electric. And one moment that i really enjoyed last week was the return of Stephen Colbert, the host of the colbert report. cheers and applause im glad you liked it. Im glad you enjoyed it. Ill tell you, you know who didnt enjoy it so much . Corporate lawyers. Cbss top lawyer was contacted by the top lawyer from another company to say that the character Stephen Colbert is their intellectual property, which is surprising. Because i never considered that guy much of an intellectual. So it is with a heavy heart that i announce that, thanks to corporate lawyers, the character of Stephen Colbert, host of the colbert report, n audience no booing stephen i understand. I understand. Listen, i feel the same way, but what can i do . The lawyers have spoken. I cant reasonably argue i own my face or name. laughter and as much as id like to have that guy on again, i cant. So instead, joining me now, live via satellite from philadelphia, please welcome, Stephen Colberts identical twin cousin, Stephen Colbert. Hello. Stephen thank you for joining me, stephen. Youre welcome, stephen. Hello, america. Hello, colbert country stay strong be brave stephen now, i just want to be clear here, are you not the guy who had a Television Show for a decade. Absolutely not, stephen. Thats my twin cousin. This is my first appearance on television ever. How am i doing, america . cheers and applause now, identical twin cousin, how does that work . Its simple, stephen. Our moms were identical twins who married identical twin husbands. Then had sex at the exact same moment and gave us the same name. Stephen okay. That checks out. laughter but lets just make sure youre definitely not him. His wifes name was lorraine. Stephen he went to dartmouth. I applied to dartmouth. Stephen okay, so totally different guy. Totally different guy. Also, pretty sure hes gay. Nothing wrong with that. Just saying he talked about it a lot. Where theres smoke theres fire. Stephen ill take your word for it. Most of all, stephen, i want you to know im happy to be here tonight to save this country and join the late show team. So you want to be a permanent part of this show . Stephen, whenever you need me, wild horses, ridden by corporate lawyers, could not keep me away. Stephen well, youre a good man. Yes, i am. Stephen thank you. Stephen colberts twin cousin. Stephen colbert, everybody cheers and applause have a great show, everybody youre a damn fine looking man, by the way. Stephen hes a good guy. Hes a good guy. I like him. Have that other guy with the tv show. I really like some of the bits he used to do. But, again, what can i do in the face of corporate lawyers . Which brings us to tonights werd the lesser of two evils. Folks, the two weeks of Political Conventions are drawing to a close, and we now know one thing for certain we know this november it will be hillary in and polls show that many of us have already chosen the outcome we really want. We want neither. Both clinton and trump have historically low approval ratings. In fact, 52 of Trump Supporters say theyre only voting for him because they dont want hillary to win. And i dont blame them for that soft support. Meanwhile, 56 of hillary supporters say they just dont want donald trump to win. Hillarys critics see her as untrustworthy, selfish, and too willing to bend the rules. laughter meanwhile, Donald Trumps critics say hes prejudiced, unprepared, and has the wrong temperament for a president. Think about it. Its not like anyones going to change their minds about these two. Both candidates are already if you dont like wonder bread, youre not going to like president wonder bread. Same goes for the new mcdonalds angry meal. Lets face it, lets face it. cheers and applause both candidates know it. Thats why this is expected to be the most negative campaign in american history. Hillary clinton will say things. Trump will attack hillarys integrity. laughter this negativity could likely turn away voters from the polls. But there is another option. cheers and applause since Many Americans cant bring themselves to vote for a candidate, this year, i say, we should change the system. So on election day, you can vote want. Then at the end of election day, we just count all the against votes, and the candidate with the lowest score becomes president. It makes voting like golf if on the outside chance they do not institute my plan, no matter how you feel about the candidates, please, you still have to go to the polls on yes, you might have to vote for a person you dont really want, but its better than getting the person you really dont want. And thats the werd. Well be right back. cheers and applause . . . [son] mom. Dad. Nurse. Today were talking about automotive awards. What if i told you there was a car company that received all of these awards . One company won an award in all of these . Chevy. Ahhhh chevy chevrolet is the most awarded car company over the last two years. I love it im just going to stay in here, is that okay . This summer find your tag and get 16 of msrp cash back on select remaining 2016 vehicles in stock. Thats over 4,100 cash back . Just when you think you know what a computer is. You see a keyboard that can just, get out of the way. And a screen you can touch. And even write on. When you see a computer that can do all that, it might just make you wonder. Create your own tour of italy is back starting at 12. 99, only at olive garden. Choose 3 of 9 of our favorite italian dishes to get everything you want, all on one plate. Plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. Hurry in and create your own tour. Offer ends sunday. Olive garden. . humming . So youre up at dawn, . . K, look alive. . . Youve been saving for a big mancave. . . You made the most of your retirement plan, . . So you better learn to drive that rv, man. . . So many things youre doing in your life. . . . . cheers and applause stephen folks, welcome back. Folks, my first guest tonight hosts the emmynominated last week tonight on hbo. Please welcome our friend john oliver cheers and applause stephen welcome i didnt mean i know absolutely right. Stephen i didnt mean to interrupt your dance break. I know at heart, youre really just a hoofer. I speak with my body. When my body feels the beat, it expresses that beat, and it does that with whatever this is. Stephen okay, did you watch did you watch the convention tonight . I did, i did. Ive just been watching it backstage. Im all about tim kaine. Where are my kaineiacs in the audience. That is the view of tim kaine in america. Oh, yeah . He spoke tonight . I dont know if you saw him, if hes going to be americas step dad, that was an exemplary performance. The dad jokes and expressions that came out of that mans soft he is a tall glass of lactaid. His donald trump impression doesnt just not sound like donald trump. I dont think it sounds like anybody. laughter i would buy he even he did a dad flex at the end where the only thing he was flexing was his face. He went. We did it cheers that guy. Tim kaine. Thats the star of the evening. Stephen yeah. Forget the president. Tim kaine is where its at. Stephen did you watch joe biden . Sure, but again, i can no, no, Tim Kaine Stephen no joe biden. Joe biden was fine. Stephen feelings. I nevermented to be called scamp by someone as much as i have. Stephen hey, sport. Bedtime, scamp, late. Stephen assistant manager of a local Hardware Store . Exactly. Here, ill open your beer. Id rather you drank it here with me. Stephen so hes the cool stepdad. Hes as cool as could possibly be. I never saw anyone more about to stephen he can do it. He can do it. I think he must have been frisked on the way out. Tell me you do not have it with you, tim. They want to hear it. I promise you, they dont want to hear it. Well slap it out of your mouth. Stephen thats your impression of Hillary Clinton . Thats right. I will open hand slap it out of your mouth. I so wanted to him hear say, i hereby accept the nomination for . . . . I accept the nomination . Except my impression of a harmonica is more like a tim kaine impression because it sounds nothing like a harmonica or anything. Stephen thats because youre trying on play your fingernails but you cant do that. Like a stubby flute. Stephen did you watch last week . Did you watch the Republican Convention last week . Did you enjoy that . I did. I think thats why i needed tim kaine so badly. I just needed a break from everything. And i needed stepdad to come in and tell me it was going to be okay before flexing. laughter stephen what was interesting to me was that this week from the democrats, they they did the thing that you always do in a Political Convention that the republicans forgot to do, which is to say, great country. Its going to be greater. Its an incredible thing to forget to say for four days. laughter to get to the end of four days and go, we definitely said we loved america, right . We must have said it. We say it all time. Why would we not have said it. Stephen i thought you were going to say it. You definitely said it. Stephen i was going to say a flaming poop pile. Someone said it, im sure. We must no audio we said it. Stephen one think we didnt say is s h because this is stephen thank you for being here for my last broadcast. What an honor youre my last guest. Because of hbo, you got off lightly with that curse word. It could have been a lot worse. Stephen youve have some great shows lately but one of the things that stands out for me is that you actually use the power of your perch. Yes. Stephen to help a russian warlord find a chechen warlord. Its a geographical gray area. Stephen the russians putin would say youre absolutely right. Stephen well, vlad and i go way back. You actually helped a warlord try to