Thank you, mark. Stephen stephen stephen. Jon yeah stephen whats going on, jon. Good to see you. cheers and applause hey youre very nice. Oh, the people wonderful. What a lovely crowd. Welcome to the late show. Im stephen colbert. Everybody feeling good . cheers and appe biden is what theyre excited about. cheers and applause i wish that was for me. Big political news today is that al gore went to trump tower yesterday to talk Climate Change with donald trump. Yeah, yeah. applause first half of the meeting was convincing trump that al gore chinese. When gore emerged from the meeting, i gotta say he was passionately noncommittal. I found it an extremely interesting conversation and to be continued. laughter stephen extremely interesting and to be continued, two things that have never been used to describe al gores political career. laughter Stephen Keith breathing. Keep breathing. Meanwhile, trumps twitter stream is just as polluted as ever. This morning he issued this tweet yeah, just cancel. Just treat a 4 billion plane cancel. I hope boeing wasnt close to finishing it. Its kind of a custom order. I guess they could put it on the Seattle Craigslist available bulletproof 747 that can outmaneuver a hellfire missile. 4 billion, or best offer. Serious inquiries only. And then later, trump put his tweet where his mouth is. We want boeing to make a lot of money, but not that much money. Okay . Thank you. laughter stephen a sentiment that is captured on his new hat make America Great again. Not that great. laughter cheers and applause . . . Now, after the comments, boeings stock took an immediate sharp turn downward. I dont know if donald trump years, his most casual offhand comments could shake the stock market. He could cause the next Great Depression with a bad yelp review of taco bell. Gordita supreme tastes so authentic, im having it deported. cheers and applause now, a lot of worried people out there are trying to keep trump from being president , even at this point. A member of the electoral souprun, just wrote an apsed, why i will not cast my electoral vote for donald trump. He said trump is unfit for office and as evidence he cites donald trump. This makes souprun, called a faithless elector, also a lifetime movie about a wife having an affair with a voting machine. This guy suggests that instead should vote for someone like Governor John Kasich of ohio. Come on its a protest vote. You can pick anyone on the planet, and you choose john kasich. Thats like a jeanie giving you three wishes and you saying, ill take three old navy giftcards. Theyre great by the way. Obviously, one of your wishes would be for an Old Navy Guys use amazon . Of course you do. Where else are you going to go at 4 00 a. M. To buy a tent, a nose hair trimmer, and a clarinet . They suggest those together. Hair trimmer and clarinet look alike. Dont mix those up. Theyre very painful but sound beautiful. Well, amazon has announced that it is opening a line of brick andmortar Grocery Stores called amazon go, which, according to store with no checkout required. Simply use the amazon go app to enter the store, take the products you want, and go ive done that. Its called stealing. laughter just take it and go. applause . . . Just think no checkout means never again will you get stuck in line behind some old person counting change. Now youll get stuck in line behind an old person trying to install an app on their anyway, good luck, amazon. I just hope nobody comes up with a way to buy stuff on the internet, or these stores are going to get crushed. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Vice President Joe Biden is here. Stick around. . I tried hard to quit smoking. . But when we brought our daughter home that was it. . Now i have nicoderm cq. 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Get the best deals and the best network, only on verizon. my hero zero by lemonheads get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first months payment on select volkswagen models. Right now at the volkswagen sign then drive event. This is pepsi zero sugar. Zero sugar. ooooh zero calories. ooooo but max pepsi taste. wow applause stephen hey interest you go. Hey, welcome back, everybody. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Jon oh, yeah eers a applse stephen you know,eople watch different reasons, mos ously, information. laughter but a lot of people out the they tell me thehik me like a dad. I often hear that from my own kids, which is nice. laughter in fact, people tell me all the time that they think of me as their tv dad. As a dad it is to spend quality so guess i should sit you down and check in on how arethings going with the family. sight, da family meeting. chrspplause grunts take a load off listen i was hoping we could have a little rap session here, you know, connect, just st some stuff out like you gotta do every so often. I dont have any real power around here. Thats why ive also invited a father figure who has actual comenrity your pops, joe. Good to seeou, pops cheers and app it smportant you do this evy soften. Its so important to h these etings i kow. Though. chee and applause tephen yeah, yeah. Exactly. , listen. All right sit down, fella. Sit down. Havo talu can clap your way ot this meeng. We have to talkbout this. Ey, chp. Stephenpops a i are worried about the sudden changes. We know youre worried about the through. Happens to every family. But im telling you, tre terr g right now . Its not permanent. It will be over in four years maybe 8. Therean old saying in this family life is like a grandfather clock. Stephen exactly, life is ke a grandfather clock maybe the pendium has wing to o se but it the swingk b the other. Point is, you should probably get a newer cloc or better yet, just lo stephen time is rightn there. Sit dow were just getting started. Do y need some bug spray for thents in your pants. Thats a dad joke. Ge used to. Tok abo. Stephiad. Ou u weng som dawenyguth we tonight want to hearhose swear words from you malarkey. Steen , were ons. Theyre going t bleep half of i. Im soosh darn disappoint thene n hat ok wu did sorry, m sorry. Ste look what you did to yourop made him say the d word. E g oay . I thinkoo. Tephen look, i dt r . 1 to comear on the job of your c to be a best. Io, do. Look, here are somefirerks. I want you to take them, ito, at go out andavome, have some . Y[o you, u know,id, been cutting some corners when youveeen mo t l s late en yeah, yeah. Thats a thing in family, life is like a grandfather ock no,read al ste well, thents the saying . Orthoingins, any job worth is teokay, you have to yr besto the lawn. It doesnt matter that somebody else is abo go the job o mowing the lawn after you, even weislawnmo life. Never touched a laughter appl look,o look, kid, it and no mtter our differenc,awnir were all responsibleor its upkeep. And ive got to believe that in theirea, the next mowers is to do the best than c make sure that l, that o laer . Stephen thats aeautif metaph. Taph. Ttaphor . . Lo, talking annou a y talkingou sten, buddy, just rem en youe doing a j,ve 1 and respe your boss. Especially if he has the nuear launch codes. laughter . Stephen good point. Listen tohis man you know what . Res hs 20. Go haveom what i neeo borrowhat0 bucks. laughter applause job pretty soon. Im losing my job pretty soon. Stephen oh, youre losing your job. Oh, yeah, tt right. So what are you going to do next, bosdz . Well,m goig follow my passion, you kw, sedatrang. Dang, you know. And u got your whole life ahead of you,id. Yourhole le af o you. ve got dont listen to him. Speak of life i think its maybe time we had the tk. Dont be embarrassed up here. T perfectly natural. Pops, tell him about the birds and e bee es the deal theyre rasappearing at an alarming applse bond beetheyrelummeting. Theyre plumting. Sphen you know wha wod get those populations back sex. Toue too ab look, go askour mher. Ve lo you. ll be rightk wh vice but we love you, we love you. . . . applause hey come quick. My new beer, stella artois, is finhed. Ve it. R the. Enla artois. Since. Hostne to remember hey barbie of course sa ten when yospend fifty on apparel and accesss h, lat, this year at tmobile, the holidays are on us switch your family of four to tmobile, mite geeverything, and well give you 800. Bnd car. Nodys h but you believed when the right one came along, youd be ready. Shouldnt knee and ankle supports measures your leg in 3d. And recommends our customfit support thats right for you. New dr. Scholls custom fit ankle and knee supports. Find the nearest kiosk at drscholls. Com. . . . cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back. Folks, my first guest tonight is the 47th Vice President of the united states. Please welcome Vice President joseph biden. . Joe Biden Joe Biden . Joe Biden Joe Biden joe biden . Joe bid . cheers and applause stephen welcome back. Its great to be back. Stephen so nice to see you again. Good to see you, pal. Stephen well, this is the first time weve spoke own air in over a year, and it is the First Television interview youve done since the election. Some people were shocked that some people were quite surprised. What was that night like for you . Well, ive been in a closet since then. I havent come out no. laughter look, it was a it was a it was disappointing, to state the obvious. And but there were signs toward the end that this was going to be a lot closer than we thought. Hillary did get 2. 5 million more votes, but the truth of the matter is. cheers and applause and square won. We have an electoral system. Were a republic. And thats the way it works. But i did a total of 84 Campaign Events for her, and toward the end, you could feel there was there was a change. Because this was the there was hardly any discussion about any issues in this campaign. And i remember getting off the plane i guess i was going to cleveland and speaking to a large crowd of a couple of thousand people, and i said what is that the press has only covered these sort of outrageous assertions that have been made, and and there was no discussion of the things that elections are supposed to be about, a referendum on ideas and about what weather what were going to do about education or jobs o or foreign policy. And i, you know, the campaign knew at that time that that the concern was whether there a concern about the states that in fact turned out very closely but went the other way. Stephen well, the last time you were here, you hadnt made up your mind yet as to whether you were going to run for president. And i asked you at the time, and you couldnt give me an answer at the time. And youve said that you have regretted every day not running. Was there a particular day or days. laughter because for me it was november 9 bthree weeks ago. laughter bu year that you went, i wish i had jumped in . Look, let me be clear. About the regret. I know i made the right decision for my family. I know i made the right decision im not sure i would have been able to put my whole heart into it. But what i regret is the circumstance that led me not to be able to run. I do think that i its a was best prepared at this moment to lead the country . I i i did, because i mean i thought the issues that are of greatest concern were in my wheelhouse, things ive dealt with my whole career. So in that sense, im disappointed that im not going to be in a position to be making some of those decisions. But i dont regret the actual decision. The decision was the right decision for me to have made. And by the way, you know, i learned you want to become the most popularuy announce youre not running. Announce youre not run, and, boy, everything moves in a direction. Who knows what would have happened had i run . Stephen well, we might find out because yesterday were you were on capitol hill when you were asked by a reporter, are you going to run for office again . Is it and you said and i quote, yeah, i am, im going to run in 2020. Reporter, for what . For president , so, you know, what the hell man. Well, look, stephen, i know, i did that for one reason. So i could announce now im not running and be popular again. laughter i mean, because i learned. Stephen theres no way . You didnt mean that . What the hell, Vice President . Look, ive become you and i talked about this in a different context before. Im a great respecter of fate. I dont plan on running again. But to say you know whats going to happen in four years i just think is is notio i that is the sound of a door creeking open, is that what that is. Well look i mean, i cant see the circumstance in which id run, but what ive learned a long long, long time ago, stephen to never say never. You dont know whats going to happen. Hell, donald trump is going to be 74. Ill be 77 nbetter shape. Who knows . Stephen arm wrestling. cheers and applause maybe arm wrestling. No plans. Stephen no plans . But im going to stay deeply, deeply involved. Every morning ive gotten up since i was 26 years old. There have been some issues. There were issues i am concerned. My dad had an expression, a lucky publish gets up in the morning, puts both feet on the floor and knows what hes going to do and it matters. There are things i care deeply about, violence against women to whether or not we have a rational arms control policy know, youve been in washington, in Public Service for over 40 years. What do you expect from the Trump Administration . Now, yall are going to laugh when i say this. But the honest to god truth si dont know. No, but im being deadly earnest here. I dont think i dont think the president himself knows for certain. laughter no, by the way, president s who really knew why they were you get there, and its a different world. Im telling you. Its a different world. I served in the senate for 36 years. One of the reasons the president asked me to join him was because i allegedly knew a lot about the government. But its a different laughter but all kidding aside. It is the Largest Corporation in the world. It is, you know, if youre going to do it well, it takes you, you know, 10 to 12 hours a day just absorbing information. And if you look at far, some give me great pause. Theres other people hes appointed offed in the administration that are very solid. Elaine chao, is fully capable being a great secretary of labor. So its just i dont think anybody knows for certain, but we have to be vigilant, and when in fact it looks like the administration is moving in the direction that is harmful or counting on president elect trump to tamp down the this bitterness thees being promoted about everything from the l. G. B. T. Community to African Americans to muslims. I mean what do you make of a president or president elect who seems to be responding on the spur of the moment with tweets to personal slights, like attacking alec baldwin on s. N. L. , or taking a moment to cancel an order from boeing based on we dont know what . laughter and, like, it seems a little mecuriel. Well, i can understand going after latenight hosts. I can understand that. It makes a lot of sense to me, to attack you guys. I dont know. No, look im afraid thats all we have time for. laughter . Look, i we we do. Stephen and the president is saying the first thing that occurs to his thumbs, its a little unnerving. Yes, it is but, you know, look, weve got to do look, lets assume the the worst. It makes no sense to start this off without the rest of us saying were going to give this guy an actual even shot. Were going to give him a clear shot to do the were going to actually be there to work with him, and when he has good ideas and challenge his ideas when theyre not. Heres what i hope we get away from. I hope we get away from what is basically an adhom nem argument that takes place today. Its always about the other guys motive, what the other guy intends, not so much what he thinks or what hes proposing but the reason he did that is because of the following. Very far. One thing is going to happen youre going to see the debate sharpen very, very drastically because theyre not going to be reporting about whether what he said on a particular show i hope. Theyre going to be talking about whether or not his idea to deal with trade mawks sense, whether his idea to deal withing about a wall makes sense. There will be a real debate engaged which never occurred in the last election. Unless he changes some of his views, i think its going to be reports of the demise of the Democratic Party are premature. I see them coming back big time in 2018. Stephen well, well find out, well find out. Well find out. Stephen well be right back with more joe biden. Stick around, everybody. . . . applause welcome. Look at these old navy pajamas. Homemade hors doeuvres . Uh nobody cares. Interrupted, i dont know why im so disgustingly generous. By giving you guurioys lux pajamas from old navy. Awe thank you. I dont want to make you feel bad but i was like. 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