Every week, its another excuse. We had a massive landslide victory, as you know, in the electoral college. Stephen okay, since you brought it up, there have been 58 president ial elections, so far. Of those 58, your victory ranked 46th in the electoral college. Down here. Okay, youre below garfield, and he was a cat. We had many people saying one of t g time. Stephen can you name one of those many people . My children. Stephen anybody whos not you or your family who believes this was a landslide victory . It could be somebody sitting in a bed some place. Stephen i guess they have beds in russia. So why dont you read your daily intelligence briefing . You know, im like a smart person. Stephen how are you like a smart person . Nobody really knows. Stephen are the russian influencing you . No. I dont believe that at all. Stephen lets test that. Do you think rocky really beat well, if you look at the story, and you take a look at what they said, theres great confusion. Stephen no, its clear. At the end of the movie, the referee holds up rockys arm in victory. Theyre not sure. Theyre fighting among themselves. Stephen of course, theyre fighitng its a boxing movie, smartie. Whats your favorite dressing . Is it russian . Yes. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight stephen goodman, denee benton and musical guest norah jones, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, oits Stephen Colbert cheers and applause . audience chanting Stephen Stephen welcome to the late show, everybody. Im Stephen Colbert, your host for the next hour. For the next four years, your president will be donald trump. audience reacts get used to it. No, no. Its the deal. Suck it up. On friday, trump held a rally in baton rouge, where he spoiler alert talked about himself. You know, time magazine, they were both nice and a little they gave me the person of the year. . It used to be called the man of the year. . Now its called the person of the year. . Thats good. Theyre politically correct. They were very politically correct. Stephen yeah, and time isnt even the most p. C. Magazine. That title goes to pc world magazine. The world, thats the one. Fun fact but trump wasnt done complaining who would rather have it be the person of the year . audience reacts a couple of people. Who would rather have it be the man of the year . rs the magazine business isnt so great. Stephen yeah, could be. Magazines do better when they use the word man. Just ask the editors of people who are men magazine. laughter mmhmm. Yeah. That was duane the male johnson. laughter looks like trump will nominate exxonmobil c. E. O. Rex tillerson to secretary of state. audience reacts i got to say, Rex Tillerson is could be one of the most oil tycoon names of all time, right behind tex drillerson. And i know a lot of names have been floated for state, but tillerson might get it because hes close to putin. In fact, in 2013 putin gave tillerson russias order of friendship. And you want to be vladimirs buddy, because putin believes in keeping his friends close and his enemies in a bag. But of course the big story today is that the c. I. A. Has reported to the senate that Russian Hackers acted to aid trump in the election. So, trump was right. Now, this huge surprise is no surprise. Because, back in october, we know the c. I. A. Told the white house Russian Hackers were involved, but they didnt release the report because they didnt want to sway a president ial election. Thats the f. B. I. s job. cheers and applause the c. I. A. s proof is that russia hacked both the d. N. C. And the r. N. C. , but did not release whatever information they got from the republicans. Possibly because nothing in the r. N. C. Emails was as bad as what trump was saying out loud. laughter apparently, russias goal was to undercut confidence in the integrity of the vote. Well, it didnt work. I still have complete confidence in the vote. Its my faith in humanity thats been shattered. applause what do we do . Even if its true, if this proves to be true, what on earth do you do now . Well, democrats and republicans in the senate are calling for a bipartisan probe into russias suspected election interference. Great. Theres nothing more reassuring than the words, dont worry, congress will do something theyre on it crack team top men shoo and what if they find out that the russians did hack our election . What are we supposed to do then . Some people are saying we should have an election doover. All right, somebody go to the woods and find hillary. Ollyolly oxen free jon thats how you do it. Stephen in bird voice fundraiser, fundraiser jon oh, oh i didnt know they made that sound. Stephen now, not everyone believes the russians are behind this. For instance, the trump folks released a statement calling the c. I. A. s story into question, saying, these are the same people that said Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Harsh words, but its true. The c. I. A. Should have done what donald trump did in the leadup to the iraq war take every position possible. Then, later, just pick the one that made you look best. applause making bird sounds but this is unprecedented our electoral system may have been hijacked by a foreign power led by strong, virile and magnetic Vladimir Putin. Putin is number one rock and roll Party President who have too many muscles for shirts whats up with my prompter . Let me check in with prompter operator, johnny cowboy. Johnny, whats happening with my prompter . applause johnny cowboy, everybody. Whats happening with my brompter . Hello, stephen. speaking in russian accent . Teleprompter iok stephen its got a lot of pro russia stuff in it. Stephen, idea that Vladimir Putin is top fantastic hunk is not prorussia. Is just fact. Disney world coca cola, am i right . Stephen im not fighting with that. Youre right about that one. Not hacked, johnny . Your prompter is not hacked, stephen. Make america Cyndi Crawford blue jeans stephen johnny cowboy, everyone applause stay with late show, many laughs occurring with john goodman tonight. Now, make greetings towards jon batiste and the remaining humans . cheers and applause humming stephen well, folks, the years almost over, thank 2016 has been grueling whether your candidate won or lost, you had to endure the election global instability even batman and superman were fighting. cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Very nice of you. Thank you for clapping. Thank you very much. applause so this holiday, were all feeling bummed out. So to cheer everyone up, joining me live via satellite from the north pole please welcome kris kringle. cheers and applause hohoho Merry Christmas, everyone stephen thanks for joining us, santa. I know this is a busy time. Yes, every minute im away, 100 good children dont get a gift, but im sure this is important. Stephen okay, ill make it quick 2016 has been a bummer, santa, and i was hoping you could help cheer up those of us feeling the holiday blues. Santa has an Important Message for those of you feeling down this year suck it up and grow a pair ho, ho, ho. Stephen wait, what . Suck it up . Santa, how can you say that . 2016 has me pretty upset oh, youre upset . Try being an immortal elf whose job was bringing christmas cheer during the bubonic plague. The hot to quick, painless death. Ho, ho, ho stephen gosh, santa, sorry about that. At least you have mrs. Claus. Oh, ho, ho no i caught her with one of the elves oh, who am i kidding, all of the elves now we live on separate poles, stephen wow, santa, youve been through a lot, but you still seem pretty jolly. Whats your secret . Just remember no matter how hard the year has been, on christmas day, you have a chance to just take a break and relax with the ones you love. Stephen thank you, santa. Except for me because i have to work that day. Merry christmas, everyone Stephen Santa claus, everybody weve got a great show for you tonight denee benton and norah jones are here, and when we return, some more christmas . cheers and applause stick around ho, ho, ho when cold and flu hold you back try theraflu expressmax, now in new caplets. Its the only cold flu caplet theraflu. For a powerful comeback. New expressmax caplets. These as well. Luke . Amy. Its been years oh, you smell the same. Meet my wife and my kids. Oh you guys are so goodlooking. And impeccably dressed. Thanks. Its all old navy. You sending off some last minute gifts . I miss us. You know . You should go to old navy. The entire store is up to 60 off right now. Thats an amazing idea. Okay, i think ill go there. Of here. I dont know what that is. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Hey come quick. My new beer, stella aris, is finished. The people will love it. Originally brewed for the holidays. Enjoyed ever since. cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody welcome back, folks its the holiday season, and that means theres plenty of Christmas Music in the air. Everyones singing about rudolph, or frosty or parson brown. Which im pretty sure is a euphemism for sex stuff. That is truly inescapable simply, having, thats all i its Paul Mccartneys wonderful christmas time. . Simply, having . . Thats all i can sing or be sued . Am i the cute one . I guess i am laughter applause your paul . Stephen yes, i wrote eleanor rigby. Personally, i like the song. But i might be alone. Because usa today has called wonderful christmastime, the worst Christmas Song ever, and esquire just put it at number one on their countdown of the bleep Christmas Songs ever recorded. You have to admit, its pretty impressive that mccartney is still number one on the charts. Look at these tweets. I can only listen to simply having a wonderful christmastime so many times before i want to die. Or, its my understanding that mccartneys wonderful christmastime cannot be played to prisoners of war under the geneva convention. Though donald trump has said he will bring back nogboarding. Look, this is ridiculous and unfair to my close personal friend Paul Mccartney whom there is no way that wonderful christmastime is the worst Christmas Song of all time because i have written the worst Christmas Song of all time. applause its called christmas is now, would you like to hear it . cheers and applause i would like to sing it into your hearts and burn it into your minds. bells jing ling s christmas is now christmas is now s now it is christmas and christmas is now. S christmas is now christmas is now s christmas is christmas cheers and applause s christmas is now christmas is now s now it is christmas and christmas is now. Stephen norah jones, everyone. cheers and applause s christmas is now christmas is now s christmas is christmas and now it is now. S now, now, now, now now, now, now, now s now, now, now, now, now, now now, christmas now. S Christmas Christmas s now, now, now, now now it is christmas s and christmas now is christmas is now s christmas is now now it is christmas s and christmas is now christmas is now s christmas is now s and now it is now now, now, now, now s now, now, now, now now, now, now, now, now, now s now christmas now christmas, christmas s now, now, now, now now it is christmas s and christmas now is. Christmas is now s christmas is now now it is christmas s and christmais christmas is now s christmas is now cheers and applause . Christmas is now s christmas is now christmas, christmas s is, is, is now cheers and applause now, now, now, now s now, now, now, now now, now, now, now, now, now s now christmas now stephen well be right back with john goodman thank you for dining with us. Hope to see you again soon. Whoa, whoa, i got this. Almost there. I cant reach it. If you have alligator arms, you avoid picking up the check. What . Its what you do. I got this. Thanks, dennis if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. Growwwlph. Its what you do. . . Is that coffee . Yea, its nespresso. I want in. . . Youre ready. . . Is that coffee . Nespresso. What else . Thats charmin ultra strong, dude. Cleans so well, it keeps your underwear cleaner. So clean. You could wear them a second day. Charmin ultra strong. Its 4 times stronger, and you can use less cheers and applause . Stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause folks, my first guest tonight is one of the finest actors alive who stars in the new movie patriots day. Please welcome john goodman cheers and applause . Stephen nicely done. cheers and applause iad to tie my shoe stephen dont worry about it. John was just remarking to himself he did not tie his shoes before coming out here. You should get hazard pay for doing that. Yep. Stephen you just missed jeepers, mr. Kent you just missed superman i did again . Stephen yeah. Jeepers stephen a little down. Yeah . Stephen tell him to cheer up if you see him. Santacon. Stephen so close, too. He would get action at the actual santa con. I know that. Stephen of course, youre friends with santa. I know i havent seen him lately. Stephen oh, okay. Anyway stephen anyway, Merry Christmas . Yeah. And Merry Christmas to you, too. Stephen thank you very much. And Merry Christmas to all my friends. cheers and applause stephen are you a Big Christmas guy . You got all the decorations up and all that fun stuff . Yeah, my wife bought, like, a avenue and shes in the midst of decorating it. Stephen really . Yeah, we were going to get a 50footer and displace the people upstairs. But im only in the neighborhood another month or so. Stephen you dont live in new york full time. Youre here because youre on broadway. cheers and applause youre doing the front page at the broad hurst theater. Yes, i am. Sen middle of your broadway run. Yes. Stephen we here think we have a hard job. We do about 200 hours of show a year. You do about 200 shows every couple of months. About eight shows a week. Yeah. Stephen you look like youre in fighting trim. Is it wearing on you . It wears on my voice, unfortunately. But every once in a while, i go prednisone which is a steroid. So i have a good excuse if somebody is out in the audience with a cell phone, i can go psycho on them. Stephen do people take cell phones away . I dont know if they do. Im not paying that close attention to anything. At the end, theyll take photos. Its stephen dont make this dont make him angry. You still like it when hes angry but you just dont want him to be angry. You used to live in this neighborhood. Yes, i lived on 51st. Stephen when did you live here . 77 till 87. Ten years in the neighborhood. I was here another two years. Stephen whats the biggest thing thats changed . Avenue. Its gentrified. Stephen what was it like back in the 70s . It was like hells kitchen. Stephen did you have to be friends with them . No, i pretty much avoided them. Stephen sounds like a pretty good story there. It was a little rough. For fun when i was broke id watch the junkies 52nd street try to nod and see who was going to hit the ground or not, recovery time. Stephen you and your buddies place bets . I didnt have any buddies, but thanks. Stephen no buddies . No. Stephen what . I understand you did . Right . You did childrens theater when you first started . I did, too. My first professional gig. My first professional show is rumpelstiltskin. Because i bleep you not, my first professional gig was rumpelstiltskin. Really . Stephen yeah. We did rumpelstiltskin versus the queen. It was, like, a law case, teaching kids how courtrooms work. He comes in to claim the child and we have a courtroom. I built the set. I did a lot of band driving and costume loading. I think i was the minstrel. Stephen do you remember any of your lines . . Good day to you . . Good day to you . . Good day to you my friends . Thats it. cheers and applause stephen youre got the part youre hired you know knees guys . I dont. I do now. Stephen you live in new orleans. Hes from new orleans. Jon yeah, man how you doing . Where you at . Jon whats happening . You are. Hows your mom and them . Jon good. Hows your pa and them . Solid. Stephen well, thats all we have time for. Thank you so much. Im doing a movie, too. Stephen this has been a vacation for me. laughter youve done a lot of create Cohen Brothers movies. Can you go bowling anymore . I was ner a big anyway. Stephen yeah . Ive got a backup ball. It always goes to the gutter. Stephen uhhuh. I went to bowling to drink. I mean, lets face it. Stephen it is one of the few sports that has a bar right there. Curling and bowling. Theyll bring it to you. Stephen really . Yeah. Stephen you go to better bowling alleys than i do. Could i ask you a favor . Say something to the president elect of the united states, would walter have a message to donald trump . Youre out of your element, donnie applause stephen thank you. Youre welcome. Stephen i might play that on a loop. laughter now your new fil patriots day about the boston bombing of the marathon, and what do you remember about it . Because people remember where they were when it happened, it was so shocking. It was in germany shooting a film. It was just shocking. It was like an invasion. Stephen yeah, it was really extraordinary. And you play the Police Commissioner ed davis. Yes. Stephen and whats his hes a co co concilitator, brins people together, the police. Its an impossible job trying to quell the fears of the city. You have angry cops, people angry at the muslim community. Just trying to quell things and intensify a manhunt to get these guys off the street. They were on their way down here. Stephen we have a clip here and it is the f. B. I. And the Boston Police in the room together trying to figure out whether to release photographs they have to have the tsarnaev brothers. Those are not our guys. Meanwhile, you guys are not closer to identifying the two were really looking for. We need to release the pictures. Well have zero control. If we play over our head we may is working against us. Normally