Why are you hounding me . Im freaking out right now you need to relax. Its just a drivers test. Its my third drivers test, and if i fail again, i have to wait six months to retake it. Thats six more months of you driving me everywhere. And then im like, theres no way im wearing that. And she was like, well, if you dont wear it, then you cant play. Like. And then i was like, well, you know what . Thats fine by me. Honey, like. And she was like, well, if you dont play, then like. Like. Mom mom stop stop saying like all the time youre embarrassing me stop it like, like, like, like, like aah mm. Haley, found your jacket. Why is everyone on me . God ignore her. She cant focus on two things at once. Always a good quality in a driver. Sweetie, we need to get you some shoes for the dance tonight. No, we dont. Im not going. What are you talking about . Why would you not be going to the dance . Because School Dances are lame. A bunch of immature boys trying to impress you with how cool they are when theyre really just a bunch of dorks. [ australian accent ] ready to go down under, mate . Yes. What are you doing . Treasure hunting. Treasure hunting. Wow. [ normal voice ] a few days ago, the cable guy was under the house. When he was leaving, he said to haley, wow, thats quite a collection youve got down there. Heres the thing we have no idea what hes talking about. All week, luke and i have been getting more and more excited about what it could be. I bet its really cool old magazines. Yeah. Or a bunch of necklaces made out of animal teeth. Or bugs frozen in amber. What if its really expensive bottles of wine . Or a suit of armor. What if its gold bars . Oh, you think . For gods sakes, why dont you go under the house and look . Hey, cam. Cam, where did we get this dolly from . Oh, from janice and olivia. They brought it over yesterday. Lily loves it. It seems a little frilly, you know, coming from them. What, because theyre lesbians . Thats sort of an offensive stereotype, dont you think . Yeah, i suppose. Im sorry. Oh, hey, did they bring back our coffee maker . No, it was too big. They were on their motorcycle. We got off to an awkward start with our pediatrician, a very nice asian lady irrelevant. Named dr. Miura, so i took the bold step of inviting her over for brunch. [ scoffs ] im sorry, uh, bold . She said no patient had ever done it before. Yeah, subtext this is weird. I didnt hear any subtext. Do you hear any now . I dont even know why were doing this. Because what if lily gets sick and theres a tamiflu shortage . Who do you thinks gonna get that medicine . The patients she likes, thats who. Well, maybe if you bake her a cake, shell give us free xrays. Its all about making connections. Why do you think the dentist gives me all that free stuff . Um, because hes a huge queen and he has a big crush on you. Really . Do you think so . Manny mom . Gloria hmm . I have a fever. Ay, mi amor, come here, and i feel you. Oh, i dont want you to get you sick. It could be fatal. Then by all means, stand next to me. Let me feel you. Ay, papi, but youre not warm. Uh, probably because you were cooking and your hands are warm. Id better skip the party tomorrow just to be safe. Oh, yeah, the party. What . The party. I understand about 20 of what goes on around here. The party is at an amusement park, and manny is afraid of roller coasters. Poor kid. I dont know where he gets his fear from, because his fathers not afraid of anything no bulls, no heights, no helicopters, no fast cars. But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come. Then youll see fear in his eyes like the waiters a ghost. Excited . Yeah. Were like Ponce De Leon and his son. Little ponce. Whos that . Famous treasure hunters. His name was ponce . Hed get made fun of at my school. Theyd probably call him pants. [ laughs ] pants. Or maybe, um, fancy ponce. [ chuckles ] thats a good one. All right. Lets do this. [ animal chittering ] oh, hey, wow. You okay, dad . Yeah. Yeah, i am. Yep. Gonna take a little more than getting trapped in a small, dark space with a wild animal to rattle your old man. All right. You never want your kids to see you scared. You want to be that rock that they can grab ahold of in a stormy sea. Actually, a rock would sink, so a floating rock. Lets start over. Its windy, and youve got a lot of papers. Okay. Lets do this, buddy. [ clears throat ] [ animal chittering ] okay, good recon. Got the lay of the land, so. Arent we going in . Yep. We are, but wont it be fun if we did it with ski goggles and barbecue tools . I guess. Yeah. Yeah, lets do that. All right. Can i just say, that is a lovely outfit . Oh, thank you. Well, its just nice to see you out of your lab coat. You actually have quite a nice figure. Take it down a notch. Were just trying to make a friend, not initiate a threeway. Oh. Lily looks great. Do you think so . Shouldnt she have more teeth . I see these kids running around at the park, and they look like sharks. Dont worry. Shes perfect. Arent you, lily . Oh, look how calm she is with you. Shes usually very fidgety around new people. Well, i just think she senses youre gonna be a good friend for her during in good times and and flu season. Mommy [ coughs ] did she just did she just say. Well. [chuckles] her first word was every gay fathers worst nightmare. [ crying ] mommy. Oh. Jay, he wont admit it, but i know that mannys sad because hes missing the party. Why dont we take him somewhere to take his mind off it, hmm . I could have guessed hed have trouble with roller coasters. That kid gets woozy at barbershops when they spin his chair towards the mirror. How about we take him to the pier and go fishing, huh . Manny he likes to fish . Yeah. He comes from a long line of fishermen and smugglers. But i encourage the fishing. Manny, you like to fish . Fishing . Yeah. You want to go to the pier today . Is this a trick to see if im really sick . No. Maybe the fresh air will make you feel better. Well, then, yeah, cause theres no place where im more at one with just get your coat. Are you nervous . Shut up, alex. I was just asking. Id be nervous if i were you. Alex, leave your sister alone. Shes gonna be fine. As long as i dont get the same guy. Hes so mean you probably will. You wont. He hates me. He doesnt hate you. He yelled at me. You drove into the bushes. Oh, no, its him. Please dont be for me. Please dont be for me. Please dont be for me. Please dont be for me. Hi. Oh, thank god. Man well, come on. I dont have all day. Im gonna throw up. Okay, no. This is what youre gonna do. Youre gonna get in that car, put on your seat belt, and take three deep breaths and relax. This guy sees hundreds of kids every day. He probably doesnt even remember you, all right . Okay. Okay. Yo lets move it, two strikes. [ breathing heavily ] thats more than three breaths, honey. See how much better this is . The truck goes in, it gets video, and then we get a preview of whatevers in there. How ingenious is that, huh . Are you too scared to go in . Why would you say that . Well, when you stuck your head in, you screamed a little. I told you, that was the house settling. Besides, this is so much cooler. This is how nasa does it. Now, hand me the itty bitty booklight. Yeah. Final piece of the puzzle. [ imitates whip cracking ] [ chuckles ] blast off hey, dad . Yeah . How are you supposed to steer if you dont know where youre going . Stay in the present, buddy. Got to do it by feel. You got to get all jedi on it. [ motor revving ] [ motor grinding ] uhoh. Did you just lose my truck . No. You just lost my truck no, i didnt that was my truck grandpa just gave it to me i told you to stay in the present stop yelling truce . Yeah, sorry. This is delicious. Oh, thank you. The recipes from the nowdefunct gourmet magazine. Why do all the things i love go away . Look, i dont even think she said the m word. No, we heard it. It was clear as day. Ii just dont know what weve done wrong. I quit my job so i could stay at home with her, but maybe its not enough. [ voice breaking ] maybe were not providing her with the Feminine Energy that she needs. [ sobs ] yeah, i wouldnt be too concerned about that. You you know its because youre asian, right . Mitchell cam no, im sorry. What, am i just supposed to ignore the giant panda in the room . Pandas are from china. I well, it doesnt matter. Okay, okay, um, i think what my hysterical partner is just trying to say and if i may that for the First Six Months of her life, lily was raised by very loving asian women in an orphanage, with whom she clearly bonded, you know. And then suddenly you come in with all of your. Asianness and and and breasts and womb, lady bits, and it it all just comes rushing back to to her, and. You guys are overreacting. Im sure lily just strung a couple of random syllables together and they happened to sound Something Like that word, but thats all. [ chuckles ] do do you really think that . Of course yeah, she shes right. Shes right. Were being ridiculous. Were being ridiculous. Your daddies are being ridiculous. Mommy okay. [ crying ] mr. Tucker . No, no, shes shes shes made her choice. Shes made her choice. Uh, left turn. Here . At the intersection, yeah. Okay. Left. What . I said, left. Youre going right. Wait no, wait im trying, okay . pull over. No, i can do this pull over now why are you crying . [ crying ] why do you hate me . Oh, hell. Haley, i dont hate you. You seem like a nice girl. You remind me of my daughter, which is why i want you to live a long and happy life and be safe. And not hurt my daughter. I really want my license. Ive been practicing a lot, i swear. You gonna drink and drive . No, sir. You gonna text and drive . No, sir. All right. Lets start this from the beginning. Could you smile first . Ill be less nervous if you smile. Okay, that didnt help. Just go. Manny today feels like a good day for halibut. Why are we going this way . Its just another way to go. Uhoh. Somethings going on. What are you talking about . Wake up, old man. Shes trying to get me on that roller coaster. [ screaming ] no, shes not. Yes, i am. What . Told you. Manny, you have to face your fears. Thats why were here . But why didnt you let me in on your little plan . Because youre the worst liar. He would have seen right through you. I dont want to go on the roller coaster. Manny, you were afraid to light the barbecue, but now your eyebrows have grown back and your salmon is legendary. What if i fall out . I will catch you. Thats not possible. He would crush you. Wwhat if i throw up . I will clean it up. It wouldnt be the first time. Ah, geez, these are new shoes. Youre not gonna let up, are you . Baby, i think you know the answer. [ sighs ] fine, lets get it over with. [ chuckles ] thats my boy vamos, jay. No, im not going on that. Thats bad for my back. Your back is fine. Yeah, i got an innerear thing. Oh, please. Dont tell me youre scared, too. Scared . What what is this scared stuff . What what am i, a child . Im not scared. You see . Youre the worst liar. Well, if hes not going, im not going. Oh, for gods sake, fine. Ill go alone. Here, take my girly purse. And you, my floppy hat. And if you need it, theres the ladies room. Im not man enough to fight this. Here, hold my purse. Oh, hell modern family will be right back. [claire] dont go away. [phil] modern family will be right back. When ouwe got a subaru. S born, its where she said her first word. little girl no saw her first day of school. little girl bye bye made a best friend forever. The back seat of my subaru is where she grew up. What . announcer the twothousandfourteen subaru forester. girl what . announcer built to be there for your family. Love. Its what makes a subaru, a subaru. G them so long . I dont know. The only reason im not panicking is i havent seen a giant geyser. You know, honey, i think i know why you dont want to go tonight. Because School Dances are lame . No, cause you dont know how to dance. Thats not it. I can help you with that. Come on. Oh, god. No come on. No mom oh, yeah, back in the day, i was quite the dancer. Oh, my god, you and dad together suddenly makes so much sense. Mom mom, stop stop please, stop. I know how to dance. I just dont want to be part of that freak show. Sweetheart, youre a beautiful girl. Someone will ask you to dance. I know that. Its just stupid. Somebody will ask you. Why do you keep saying that . Somebody will ask you. But what if they dont . Honey, if they dont, then you do the exact same thing i told your sister, okay . Take three deep breaths and relax. Even the advice i get is a handmedown. Mom, i did it i passed aah oh, my god i got my license congratulations. I have my license i got my license haley, cars not in park. Oh, oops. [ emergency brake engages ] you better run to that counter. Go. Run run right now i still cant believe you lost my truck. Its gone, buddy. Let it go. You know, maybe its better we dont solve this little mystery. Sometimes treasures more sparkly in your imagination, where it could be gold or baseball cards or pirate maps. Do you really think there could be pirate maps under there . Im 100 sure its possible. All right. Im going in. What . [ breathing deeply ] really . Buddy . Whoa what do you see . Nothing. Its really dark in here. Wait a minute. I think i see my truck. Its right over there by the uhoh. What . Ii think im stuck. How are you stuck . My belt loop got caught on a pipe, and its hot have you tried wiggling . Dad its hot hurry im coming, buddy and hurry there are spiders in here oh coming and im sorry if we got all weird in there. Oh, it was fine. Well, wed like to say its different than how it usually is, but youve seen us enough to know that thats not true. Guys, listen. I had a very complicated relationship with my mother. She was born in japan crazytraditional. She didnt want me to become a doctor. She wanted me to get married and have kids. But my father we would talk, and he would actually listen to what i wanted. Anyway, what im trying to say is, having a mother isnt always what its cracked up to be. Oh. Thank you. And if you ask me, having two fathers who care as much as you do makes lily the luckiest little girl in the world. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for that. Thats very sweet. Thanks. Thank you. And how are things with you and your mom now . [ engine turns over ] ugh. The only way shell be happy is if im some asian stereotype, but that just isnt me. I didnt see those [ glass shatters ] [spits] spider web. Oh, god. Phil my boy was in trouble, so i put my fears aside, and i came to his rescue. Now, does that make me a hero . Yes, it does. [ grunting ] there thanks, dad. Hey, just what dads do. Lets get out of here. I want my truck. Really . It was a Christmas Gift could you go get it . Yeah. Yeah, sure. Scoot. Scoot through. [ grunting ] there it is. [ grunts ] got it. You okay . Yeah. Are you okay . You know what . I am okay. Hey hey. [ laughing ] we did it whoohoo were under the house [ laughing ] yeah [ laughing ] what the heck . Were down here. Why dont we see what we got, huh . Yeah. Two intrepid explorers. Make their way on a journey [ both screaming ] dead bodies we called the police and got a bunch of detectives over. Turns out it was the last owners halloween decorations, which is pretty funny. At least, i thought it was. Everybodys afraid of something, right . Heights, clowns, tight spaces. You like it, jay . [ laughs ] i did it whoo those are things you get over, but then theres our children. Will they fit in . Will they be safe . Those are fears you never get past. So, sometimes, all you can do is take a deep breath, pull them close, and hope for the best. Bye eyes on the road love you eyes on the road whoohoo oh, god phil i mean, things dont always work out. Oh, cam, i think she wants her doll. I dont know where it is. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. When you squeeze the doll, it says mommy. Did did you know that no clue. [ chuckles ] the doll says mommy. The doll says mommy. The doll says mommy [ both laughing ] phil but you got to love it when they do. Hey, dad . Hmm . Mom says theres an old trunk in the attic. Oh, yeah, my grandpas old steamer trunk. In this movie i saw, there was this old trunk, and there was a secret compartment, and when you opened it, there was a whole bunch of paintings by the worlds greatest painters hidden in the war. My grandpa was in the war. Should we go up there . Totally. It could also be diamonds. Or a samurai sword. Or the declaration of independence. You know, it almost doesnt even matter whats up there. What matters is what you do with the money from whats up there. We could get a motorboat. Or a robotic gutter cleaner. Or an indoor pool. Or a twoman submarine. Ooh individual frittatas what a treat. Youre a lucky man, phil. Im always saying, im. claire phil. Sorry. You left the milk out again. Oh. cameron mmm. I may have to take one of these little guys home. Claire, did you ever find that tupperware i lent you . Sweetie, for the hundredth time, i gave it back to you, remember . I remember you telling me a hundred times, yet my pea soup is in baggies. Did you check your car . In the. Trunk. Because thats where you found that thing that you thought that you gave me long time ago, the. The. Pizza cutter. Go ahead. Give me another one. Yes, i was wrong that time. Its a piece of plastic. Youre ruining brunch. jay dont sweat it, cam. I forget things all the time. Like i can never remember the name of that weather guy that i liked. Uh. Thunder something. Stormy. Flash stormy . Ah, whatever the hell it is. I dont know. Just eat your eggs, jay. Yeah, just eat your eggs, jay. jay ohh oh cameron oh, ho ho ho grandpa got told jay laughs look at them. They all think lilys so great. The novelty will wear off. We used to be the cute ones. Now she gets all the attention. We need to take her down. jay and i should remember his name, too, because your mom and i got in a big fight over him. She was using the convertible, and i told her, put the top up because its supposed to rain tonight, according to. Ppppartly mccloudy . Whatever the hell his name is. Anyway. She didnt. Ruined the car. chuckles well, not to be the one that always comes to moms defense. speaks gibberish what . It was 20 years ago. What, you think hes gonna ground you . It was you . Yes. Yes, i left the top down, and i let mom take the fall. And then they got divorced. 12 years later. Im just saying. Ugh. Youre ruining brunch. Relax. It was years ago. Theres a statute of limitation on this stuff. In that case, i should probably let you know i let the top down to let out the cigarette smoke. phil uhoh not mine. My bad friend eleanor. Remember when i told you that i couldnt get to your figure skating semifinal because i was stuck at work . Yeah. Well, by stuck i meant drunk, and by work i meant the golf course. laughter claire wow. Dad mitchell oh, no. I got one. I got one. Remember that time we went golfing together, and you got a holeinone . Yeah . You never got a holeinone. I got bored and i kicked it in the hole. laughter phil this is fun. Heres a corker. They didnt used to label babies as carefully in hospitals, so for two days not now, phil. What do you mean, you kicked the ball in the hole . What, was it, like, on the edge . Yeah, it was on the edge of that sandy thing. Gee, its sure gonna be fun to face my friends today. Well, you dont have to tell them. They call me ace, mitch. I havent paid for a lemonade down there in 20 years. Youre mad at me . claire mm. Gre